Pax Letale

I don't know who the FUCK decided to let themselves into my apartment today, but I have some very good ideas. You owe me a six pack for the two beers you drank - and do not bring some cheap hipster ass motherfucking PBR to my door - and if you touch my fucking PS3 again, I will hunt you down and break your goddamned fingers and call it in as self defense during a home invasion. Sack up and pay me back now and we can all act like this never happened. I hope I make myself really fucking clear, 701 and 703.

In case anyone is curious when the commercials finally start running, yes, that is my voice on promo spots for the Renaissance Pleasure Faire down in Irwindale this spring. Not even my face, sadly, so no recognition there but a job is a job, right? Don't even ask me why they thought my voice worked so well. You would have thought it would be all about my cleavage, huh?

I also wanted to give any football fans a heads-up... or maybe a bottoms-up is the better word! ;) If you're watching the coming Superbowl, keep an eye out for the new Reebok Easytone commercial debuting at some point that night. More specifically, look for the Daisy Dukes paired with the purple pair of sneakers. Believe it or not, it was crazy-fun to film.

Guess there is life beyond Disney. LOL

so i've been missing for like four days. well not missing. in the hospital. still there. some drunk fucker mauled me after work and i got a knife to my side. no internal organs got hit thankfully. so i'm hangin' in the hosp. trying to convince my hot ass nurse that i am totally okay for relations. she doesn't believe me.

Good afternoon!

I have to admit that I feel a little awkward about logging on and introducing myself like this. It isn't really encouraged in New York. In fact, it's pretty much frowned on...unless you want to set yourself up to get robbed or labeled as the weird, overly-friendly neighbor. But, since it seems to be standard practice here...

My name is Cara Clark. I'm pretty well-settled in #807, but I need a little advice about where to shop and where to pick up the best food. I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb as an out-of-towner, and, to be honest, I'm just not sure what's in on this coast.

I've just opened up my own little flower shop. I'm sure you'll catch a glimpse of my arrangements now and again in the lobby. The room needs flowers. Trust me.

I'm looking forward to getting to know all of you!

[Public from 305]
Hey, fellow denizens! Your ol' buddy Jack needs a favor, now that shit has settled down around here. Does anyone have a copy of this Japanese cartoon "Castle of Cagliostro" I could borrow for a few days? I'm preparing for an audition and need to do some research. I will TOTALLY make it worth your while if you can help me out. Comps, backstage passes, whatever you want, your ol' buddy Jack will hook you up. 305, open door policy in effect. Thanks!


[Locked to 706]
Hey, Rick! Sorry I never got in touch with you when I moved in, I was having girl problems three-day drunk fests will do that to a guy all that weird shit with the building got to me I guess. Hell of a housewarming!

Anyway, pleasure to meet a fellow thespian! Let me know when's a good time and I'll take you up on that offer of coffee and talking shop. Hey, would you be interested in coming along for the ride next time I head up to Hollywood to meet with my agent? She's dynamite, really enjoys giving new guys in town their first big break. I'll help you pull your book together to show her. Never let it be said that ol' Jack doesn't look out for his fellow performers. Ciao, babe!

When the building changed, I went around with my camera and took photos of every floor. I just got those pictures back. Like everything else, the changes had disappeared. I guess this leaves a Mass Hypnosis effect as the only theory remaining...

Hair is pink now.

( Sylvia Plath - Mad Girl's Love Song )

Boredom doesn't sit well with me. I'm starting to go stir-crazy. I need to shoot something. Legally would be better.

Anyone for paintball?


**EDIT: Looks like a building party to me. Let's meet around 5:30 PM on Friday at [insert outdoor paintball venue and corresponding address here]. SHOW NO MERCY.

P.S. I'm feeling generous, so if anyone wants to meet afterward at Bottoms Up Tavern around 8PM, I'll buy the first round. That goes double for the paintball fiends.

Hey, neighbors! Jack Mallory here, the new occupant of apartment 305 so no need to call the cops. I'm an actor, I've done mostly tv work and some commercials. Some of you may know me better as Jack Daniels, the "rock-n-roll" comic at The Comedy Store on Thursdays. I got connections all over Hollywood, so let me know if there's anything you want to see and I'll hook you up. Anything for my fellow Pax Letale denizens!

So does anyone know what's up with this place? It didn't look like this when I was here a few weeks ago. Far be it from me to look a gift upgrade in the mouth and it BETTER be free, there's no fucking way I'm paying for it, but it looks like a film set or something. If it is, I'm going to kill my agent. Really nice work. The Egyptian tomb thing in the lobby is FUCKING CREEPY a particularly festive touch.

Anyway, I think I'm going to explore the rest of the place, check out the scenery. Especially of the female variety. Maybe I'll run into some of you ladies. Ciao, babes!

Clearly nothing manufactured by Glade is going to get rid of the smell on our floor, so I'm politely turning to my neighbors. I'll pay anyone who can bring anything - candles, incense, etc - to D1 that will cover this reeking mess. Obviously you're also welcome to as much of this alcohol as you can cart back to your floor. I believe it's honey mead?

Here's a story about a man named Mirza who came home from work to be horrified. I was on the first floor and I noticed 'well hell, looks a lot like a dig site from before my father retired from being an Egyptologist, only brand new.' And then I opened up a Qebehsenuef canopic jar that I saw laying about. THERE REALLY WERE INTESTINES IN THERE.

Thankfully, I made it up to my apartment (in a fucking... I don't even know!) before vomiting.

The end.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BUILDING

Is anyone willing to call my job for me and tell them that I died, but I'll be back after the weekend?

Just thought I would ask.

Greetings Fellow Residents Old & New,

It has been far too long a time since I have posted a public entry here on the oh-so-convenient apartment forums. Indeed, I have been quite busy with a great many number of awfully important agendas and endeavors, that unfortunately have lead to my lack of time and motivation to inform you all of something of large significance.

I now have the opportunity to announce that Elijah in apartment #904 is my cousin. Not only is he related to me by blood (and this is why he's so handsome.) he also happens to be my favorite cousin. When he lies and says he isn't on the forums, we will all now know the truth, now won't we? You heard it here, kids. He's related.

To me.

Sincerely,
Mr. V. Laurent.

Hey. I don’t actually own a computer, so I’m writing this from a borrowed machine at the library. Comment if you must.

I’m Shae. Just moved into #907. If we ever meet in person, we’ll talk more. Technology is overrated. Period.

Hello, my name is Ren and I live in room 404. I just moved in a few days ago and I have just started unpacking most of my stuff so I haven't been very social or gotten a chance to use this thing yet. Yet I have already unpacked my games and have played six hours straight on Halo, BUT that is my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

For someone who grew up with electronics, you would think something like this would come second nature, but it just feels a little awkward introducing myself to "the neighborhood" via this thing. It probably would have been a lot stranger to go door to door introducing myself. Yeah, like I would have done that, hahah. Not a girl scout, not selling cookies.

Though I do know a couple of people here from before I officially moved in and here is a special message for one of them: Chris, dude, call me already before I have to stake out your apartment.

I have come to the conclusion that I hate unpacking and I have nothing to eat right now except ramen noodles. It might be a few days before I am able to find my way back out of my apartment long enough to go stock up on things like...food. So does anyone here know of a few good places that deliver and are on the relatively cheap side? Cause man can not live by ramen noodles alone.