Changed RPG

PAGE ONE
Confirmed: A Vampire at Hogwarts
Xenophilius Lovegood

It’s a well-known fact that Albus Dumbledore is a man who believes that variety is the spice of life, and that this is true particularly when it comes to selecting his staff. Who, besides him, would hire on a centaur to teach Divination? (Who, besides him, would actually manage to earn a centaur’s respect as an employer?). Of course, a centaur on staff shouldn’t seem all so shocking when but a few years ago the wizarding world was rocked by the controversial news that a mild-mannered werewolf was employed at the greatest school of Witchcraft and Wizardry that the world has ever known. Still, it does rather suggest a trend.

However, the Quibbler has recently uncovered evidence to suggest that neither of these rather odd professor choices were Albus’ first dive into diversity. It was, in fact, another teacher who currently resides at the school who is a little bit less (or more) than simply human. This one not a mighty steed or a man who takes to stalking the moors beneath the light of the full moon—but a pale immortal who feeds upon the blood of the living. A vampire.

Thankfully, Vampires are easily identifiable and this one has all the traits that anyone might expect. It has as dark features and pale, waxy skin due to his dead-but-not-decomposing state. He would avoid sun and light at all costs, never travelling out of doors (unless the need arises to attend high society Christmas functions) and almost always stalks the school dungeons.

A constant lust for blood must leave this vampire in a nearly-constant foul mood. Or at least that might explain his bitter behaviour towards the younglings in his charge. The root of his foul smell is slightly harder to identify, if only because vampires do not sweat and rarely smell of decay. Our best guess is simply that he’s growing a nice crop of undetectable mildew on his already-dark cloak.

Although Albus Dumbledore more than certainly has the vampire well beneath his thumb, recent reports that the Headmaster has left his post leave us to wonder if the tides might turn. Perhaps, students should think twice before they sneak out after curfew has been called…

PAGE ONE
Holiday Warning: Vendetta Poinsettia and Cannibalistic Carolers in Cambridge
Xenophilius Lovegood

The holiday season is a time for joy and merriment. A time to reconnect with family and to make time for those which we are all guilty of neglecting or ignoring because the truth of the matter is that we don’t really like them all that much anyway. But, as you sit down this holiday season to feast on cranberries and turkey remember that no matter what time of year it is--there are always things in the world that want to kill you.

Lucky for you, we at the Quibbler are almost entirely devoted some of the time to making sure that you make it through to see (at the very least) the end of 1997. Thus, we want to bring to your attention a few things that you ought to keep your eyes peeled for this dangerous and festive season.

If you happen to be in Black Pool, you might want to be extra cautious around Poinsettia. These normally poisonous plants are, well, poisonous and could cause you a great deal of harm if you decide to put them in your Christmas salad. They are not an edible green (and red) and should be avoided at all costs.

But those of you in the north are at even more risk! It seems that Poinsettia are beginning to grow weary of their own contained poisonous properties and are beginning to contaminate everything they come in contact with! Keep them off your dinner tables, away from your desserts and out of the reach of pets, children and irresponsibly adults. You’ve read it here first! The Poinsettia have a vendetta and it’s against you. Be careful!

There are many horrors in Cambridge, England at just about any time of year--besides, of course, the University students--but Christmas is a particularly dangerous time in this sleepy hollow. Legend has it that every year, a group of undead carollers rise from the dead to stalk to the beautiful architecture of the lovely city in search of blood. These are not--and it cannot be stressed enough--your typical ghosts. They are hungry sirens singing songs of Christmas cheer only to lure the unsuspecting to open up their homes to welcome not good tiding of great joy, but painful soul-sucking death.

And no one wants that for Christmas.

PAGE ONE
No Werewolves in Kent
Xenophilius Lovegood

A werewolf attack is a terrible, horrible accidental tragedy--but what isn’t an accident (but tragic all the same) is the fabrication of a werewolf attack. No word yet on whether there were muggles attacked in Derbyshire but we can report that there were no Ministry officials injured or murdered in Kent. In fact, our sources say, there was exactly no evidence of werewolf activity in Kent whatsoever.

In fact, an individual who would like to remain anonymous--but who works within the Ministry’s DRCMC has even gone so far as to report to The Quibbler that there does not seem to be anyone missing from the department or any official record of werewolf sightings or the dispatch of officers on the particular night in question.

What does this mean? It means, quite simply, that the Daily Prophet cannot be trusted. They’re spreading lies to push their own agendas. Why on earth should we think that there was so much as a snout in Kent when they’re trying to sell us that Harry Potter broke Death Eaters from Azkaban? Ask yourself that! Honestly! It’s as bleeding ridiculous as a hippogriff with a haircut.

PAGE ONE
Azkaban Breakout -- Ministry Organised
Xenophilius Lovegood

Friday evening saw an attack on Azkaban prison which the Daily Prophet reported was orchestrated by none other than Ministry-marked ‘Undesirable Number 1’ Harry Potter. This, I am happy to report, is absolute hogswallop (no offense to hogs intended with this comparison).

Sources say, shockingly, that the truth of the matter is as follows: it was the Ministry of magic itself that staged the Azkaban escape! Why? So that they could be met with less resistance in implementing their new systems and checks! They are using fear and panic to push along their own agendas and blaming innocent people, like Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter, to create even more confusion.

Why on earth are they being allowed to get away with it? Why on earth are people sitting back and blindly accepting a world of things that make absolutely no sense? No, that wasn’t a rhetorical question at all, if anyone actually has any kind of an answer they ought to feel free to forward it along to us because we’re actually at a loss.

The Quibbler will even go so far as to say that that we believe that if asked if he expected to see Lestrange in prison for long, the Auror who arrested Rabastan Lestrange would say no--not at all--and that he knew it was simply part of an elaborate ruse to make the Ministry look swell. (Caradoc Dearborn could not be reached for comment)

The Ministry is taking the fine witches and wizards of London for a spin, and the longer we remain silent, the more we’re letting them do it, and thus I declare:

Ladies and Gentlemen, a call to arms. A call to replace your toilet paper with the Daily Prophet because that’s about all it’s good for these days. We will not stand for this misinformation any longer -- Harry Potter is not a criminal, and the Ministry of Magic is not to be trusted.

PAGE THREE
Just Who Are the Masterminds of the Eternal Full Moon Plot?
R. MacFusty

The theories that have blossomed in light of the situation in Leipzeig have flooded in over the last few weeks. And while the Ministry still maintains their stance that the eternal full moon is an impossibility concerned citizens know better. While the possibility of an unending full moon is frightening what has become almost even more frightening are the possible groups behind this dark magic.

Many theories fall apart under close scrutiny even though they sound solid at first. Many but not all. While all theories have been heard and discussed, the one with the most merits is by far the scariest. There are, actually, some beings in this world who claim to understand the skies
like no other: the Centaurs. What if a group has arisen amidst these generally docile beings? Centaurs that have been planning world domination since eons back, constantly persuading the heavens to bend towards their will, unbeknownst to even their kin and herds, and their plans are now starting to pay off? Unfortunately, the evidence is overwhelming…

Far from being stupid, Centaurs were originally acknowledged as the Beings they are, but they requested to be classified as Beasts. Why on Earth would anyone request that, unless it was to avoid attention? Any subsection would have to patient and incredibly devious to not only control the heavens but puppet the entire Centaur community into unknowingly supporting their motives. The ways of the Centaurs are by nature cryptic and secretive, the very environment that would cultivate the mentality to form this sort of cabal. They always speak in unsolvable riddles and are completely indifferent to humankind. As the moon stops following it’s usual cycle, chaos will sweep over the world. Werewolves will rise, just like the tides and all control of the situation will be lost. And for what? “Perhaps the Centaurs like to have especially bright spots on the heavens? They sure kept on talking about the brightness of Mars for decades...” Mr. Buckles suggested when he first proposed the theory. It’s beyond belief that the entire Centaur community has aligned against the rest of the world in such a way but the possibility of a few working behind the scenes to create this horrific outcome is frightening for humans and Centaurs alike.

Of course nothing has been unequivocally proven as to the presence of a cabal hidden in the Centaur hordes. And while it cannot be ruled out it can not be assumed to be the only possible answer. Werewolves have long be persecuted by the larger Wizarding community, they are shunned and generally regarded with fear and disgust. Fear of Lycanthropy has led to an accepted culture of hatred in which restrictive anti-werewolf legislation is able to pass. Such blatant discrimination is the perfect atmosphere for retaliation and resentment to develop. Werewolves have already been known to come together to support each and often choose to exist away from other wizards. They are a tight knit, closely guarded group and finding werewolves willing to bring outsiders into their groups or discuss their communities matters is extremely difficult, this correspondent learned first hand. It is not a large leap to think there could be, just like with the Centaurs, members of the persecuted community that have banded together to take back their rights by force.

Attempts to find experts willing to put aside their preconceived notions and discuss what sort of Dark Magic could shift the heavens around was impossible. Without expert guidance on what to look for we are left to presume it can only be the work of extremely dark and dangerous spells, the sort only able to be preformed by the most powerful wizards. The known violent werewolves, such as the wanted Fenrir Greyback, also have reputations for throwing their lot in with He Who Must Not Be Named and his followers. Could they be exchanging their brute force and allegiance for the magical aid of powerful Death Eaters? Or are there simply powerful wizards that have been turned and have been lying in wait for the right moment to take back their place in society by taking the attempt to turn more werewolves to the next level, the global level?

Whether Werewolves, Centaurs, Death Eaters or even a horrible combination are behind this devious plan remains unknown. But what is known is that the clock is ticking everyday and that something must be done to stop the heavenly shift and bring the culprits to justice before the entire world is brought to it’s knees.

PAGE FOUR
Eternal Full Moon Over Leipzeig, Germany?
R.Macfusty, Correspondent

There have long been reports of Global’s Warming, a worrying change in climate of our planet and how it is changing drastically. However, recent events brought under magical scrutiny suggest the problem is far worse than hereto expected: In fact the problem is astronomical!

Mr. Willard Buckles Sr., a resident of Archery-on-the-Docks and faithful Quibbler subscriber, who is visiting Germany on holiday, came across some shocking news. The family decided to visit a local zoo know to have a most unique attraction they were calling the ‘Bare Bears.’ Unlike the Muggles around them who were watching the ‘bears’ happily, pointing and smiling as the strange sight, Mr. Buckles was shocked and frightened to find himself face to face with caged werewolves! The shock was all the more vivid as they visited the zoo in broad daylight and no less than ten days after the full moon! It was clear from the signs the ‘bears’ had been in this condition for quite sometime, around the clock, regardless of the weather.

Mr. Buckles tried to warn the zoo’s director, who had clearly been Obliviated and Confunded as he insisted the ‘bears’ had long been property of the zoo. He maintained firmly it had only been recently that they had lost their furs but had always been part of the park - a completely unbelievable explanation of course! Who has ever heard of bears capable of taking their fur off?

( CONTINUED ON PAGE SIX )

Half-Giants in Muggle Communities?
R. MacFusty

Some wizards may be aware that Muggles play a sport known as “basketball,” a game played on a flat surface with five players on each team, a single ball, and a single hoop at each end of the pitch (or as they call it, “the court”). What might be lesser known is that the game marks a dangerous merging of magical and muggle worlds.

The first time I attended one of these basketball games, the first thing I noticed (besides being confused by the complicated rules -- five chasers, no keepers, beaters or seekers) was something extremely odd. Some of the men there looked about the size of ... well, I hadn’t seen anyone that large since Care of Magical Creatures classes with Professor Hagrid. I know Muggles can be large, but it was just beyond credibility! Since then I have followed the game and players closely, never missing a chance to watch a match. When I noticed the players were making grunting sounds I began to get worried.

It is entirely possible that the Muggles are not only in the presence of magical creatures they don’t know exist but are raising them to places of power and respect. There are Giants, or more accurately half-Giants, entering Muggle cities and picking up on this basketball thing. Players seem to grow larger as time passes. If the trend continues it is entirely possible, even probable that all Muggle athletes in basketball and other sports may be completely overwhelmed and replaced by members of the Magical world. Needless to say this would be a serious violation of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy of 1692 and demands an immediate reaction from all authorities.

Despite attempts to reach out to spokeswizards for the Ministry of Magic, the Quibbler was unable to get any sort of statement on what the Ministry is prepared to do about the problem or even a hint that they accept this is a growing concern. To make matters more complicated a number of these players for some reason are followed by journalists, for some reason referred to as paparazzi for their devotion to their subjects, follow these men everywhere they go. Getting them in for questioning about something that can’t even be revelead would be exceptionally difficult. Lifting the Secrecy Ban would at least create an open environment for proper regulation and screening to ensure the Muggle world’s continued safety.

“Sure, just put a Disillusionment Charm on them at night, while they’re asleep,” Retired Department of Magical Law Enforcement member and frequent Quibbler source, Arnie Wolport proposed. “Then Disapparte with them and take them in for questioning so these, what, paparatsi [sic] guys don’t see them. Then, once they’re finished, wipe their memories and take them home! Certainly that would work, I’m sure they’ll try that any day now.” Whether the Ministry will take the advice of their former agent and forced retiree, only time will tell. While what actions that can be taken remain a question, we can only hope in the meantime the Muggles remain safe.