Changed RPG

( Owl to Xenophilius Lovegood, c/o The Quibbler, His Eyes Only )

( Owl to Xenophilius Lovegood, c/o The Quibbler )

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Confirmed: A Vampire at Hogwarts
Xenophilius Lovegood

It’s a well-known fact that Albus Dumbledore is a man who believes that variety is the spice of life, and that this is true particularly when it comes to selecting his staff. Who, besides him, would hire on a centaur to teach Divination? (Who, besides him, would actually manage to earn a centaur’s respect as an employer?). Of course, a centaur on staff shouldn’t seem all so shocking when but a few years ago the wizarding world was rocked by the controversial news that a mild-mannered werewolf was employed at the greatest school of Witchcraft and Wizardry that the world has ever known. Still, it does rather suggest a trend.

However, the Quibbler has recently uncovered evidence to suggest that neither of these rather odd professor choices were Albus’ first dive into diversity. It was, in fact, another teacher who currently resides at the school who is a little bit less (or more) than simply human. This one not a mighty steed or a man who takes to stalking the moors beneath the light of the full moon—but a pale immortal who feeds upon the blood of the living. A vampire.

Thankfully, Vampires are easily identifiable and this one has all the traits that anyone might expect. It has as dark features and pale, waxy skin due to his dead-but-not-decomposing state. He would avoid sun and light at all costs, never travelling out of doors (unless the need arises to attend high society Christmas functions) and almost always stalks the school dungeons.

A constant lust for blood must leave this vampire in a nearly-constant foul mood. Or at least that might explain his bitter behaviour towards the younglings in his charge. The root of his foul smell is slightly harder to identify, if only because vampires do not sweat and rarely smell of decay. Our best guess is simply that he’s growing a nice crop of undetectable mildew on his already-dark cloak.

Although Albus Dumbledore more than certainly has the vampire well beneath his thumb, recent reports that the Headmaster has left his post leave us to wonder if the tides might turn. Perhaps, students should think twice before they sneak out after curfew has been called…

PAGE ONE
Holiday Warning: Vendetta Poinsettia and Cannibalistic Carolers in Cambridge
Xenophilius Lovegood

The holiday season is a time for joy and merriment. A time to reconnect with family and to make time for those which we are all guilty of neglecting or ignoring because the truth of the matter is that we don’t really like them all that much anyway. But, as you sit down this holiday season to feast on cranberries and turkey remember that no matter what time of year it is--there are always things in the world that want to kill you.

Lucky for you, we at the Quibbler are almost entirely devoted some of the time to making sure that you make it through to see (at the very least) the end of 1997. Thus, we want to bring to your attention a few things that you ought to keep your eyes peeled for this dangerous and festive season.

If you happen to be in Black Pool, you might want to be extra cautious around Poinsettia. These normally poisonous plants are, well, poisonous and could cause you a great deal of harm if you decide to put them in your Christmas salad. They are not an edible green (and red) and should be avoided at all costs.

But those of you in the north are at even more risk! It seems that Poinsettia are beginning to grow weary of their own contained poisonous properties and are beginning to contaminate everything they come in contact with! Keep them off your dinner tables, away from your desserts and out of the reach of pets, children and irresponsibly adults. You’ve read it here first! The Poinsettia have a vendetta and it’s against you. Be careful!

There are many horrors in Cambridge, England at just about any time of year--besides, of course, the University students--but Christmas is a particularly dangerous time in this sleepy hollow. Legend has it that every year, a group of undead carollers rise from the dead to stalk to the beautiful architecture of the lovely city in search of blood. These are not--and it cannot be stressed enough--your typical ghosts. They are hungry sirens singing songs of Christmas cheer only to lure the unsuspecting to open up their homes to welcome not good tiding of great joy, but painful soul-sucking death.

And no one wants that for Christmas.

PAGE ONE
No Werewolves in Kent
Xenophilius Lovegood

A werewolf attack is a terrible, horrible accidental tragedy--but what isn’t an accident (but tragic all the same) is the fabrication of a werewolf attack. No word yet on whether there were muggles attacked in Derbyshire but we can report that there were no Ministry officials injured or murdered in Kent. In fact, our sources say, there was exactly no evidence of werewolf activity in Kent whatsoever.

In fact, an individual who would like to remain anonymous--but who works within the Ministry’s DRCMC has even gone so far as to report to The Quibbler that there does not seem to be anyone missing from the department or any official record of werewolf sightings or the dispatch of officers on the particular night in question.

What does this mean? It means, quite simply, that the Daily Prophet cannot be trusted. They’re spreading lies to push their own agendas. Why on earth should we think that there was so much as a snout in Kent when they’re trying to sell us that Harry Potter broke Death Eaters from Azkaban? Ask yourself that! Honestly! It’s as bleeding ridiculous as a hippogriff with a haircut.

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Azkaban Breakout -- Ministry Organised
Xenophilius Lovegood

Friday evening saw an attack on Azkaban prison which the Daily Prophet reported was orchestrated by none other than Ministry-marked ‘Undesirable Number 1’ Harry Potter. This, I am happy to report, is absolute hogswallop (no offense to hogs intended with this comparison).

Sources say, shockingly, that the truth of the matter is as follows: it was the Ministry of magic itself that staged the Azkaban escape! Why? So that they could be met with less resistance in implementing their new systems and checks! They are using fear and panic to push along their own agendas and blaming innocent people, like Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter, to create even more confusion.

Why on earth are they being allowed to get away with it? Why on earth are people sitting back and blindly accepting a world of things that make absolutely no sense? No, that wasn’t a rhetorical question at all, if anyone actually has any kind of an answer they ought to feel free to forward it along to us because we’re actually at a loss.

The Quibbler will even go so far as to say that that we believe that if asked if he expected to see Lestrange in prison for long, the Auror who arrested Rabastan Lestrange would say no--not at all--and that he knew it was simply part of an elaborate ruse to make the Ministry look swell. (Caradoc Dearborn could not be reached for comment)

The Ministry is taking the fine witches and wizards of London for a spin, and the longer we remain silent, the more we’re letting them do it, and thus I declare:

Ladies and Gentlemen, a call to arms. A call to replace your toilet paper with the Daily Prophet because that’s about all it’s good for these days. We will not stand for this misinformation any longer -- Harry Potter is not a criminal, and the Ministry of Magic is not to be trusted.