Alright, slackers. We got a wave of new arrivals. Give me the times and dates of your next classes.
Demons 101: Sunday 10am
Ghosts, Ghouls, and Wraiths: Monday 9pm
Shapeshifters: Thursday 8pm
Angels, Sirens, and unicorns oh my!: Thursday, 7pm
Vampires: Wednesday 4pm, Thursday 3pm
Witches: the good, the bad, and the ugly: Wednesday 7pm
Why we don’t make deals: Monday, 4pm.
Creatures that want to eat you: Tuesday 8pm
WHAT UP, NEWBIES? Welcome to Seals 'R Us - the très mystérieux land of monsters, mayhem, and inevitable confusion! I'm Kenzi and my contributions toward your unfortunate post-apocalyptic vacay are as follows:
1. Ruh-roh! You're in an alternate universe! Demons are real! The Seal is an unpredictable mystical douche that could randomly dump you on the moon or turn you into a monkey or send in your worst enemy AT ANY POSSIBLE MOMENT! Well, shit. What's a displaced person to do? Simple: get your party on. Ditch your displaced woes for a night and breathe! You don't know anyone here? No prob! I'll take you out, I'll get to introducing, and soon enough you'll find that you actually aren't as alone in this mess as you think you are.
2. Not much of a drinker? No big! There's one form of therapy that I find even more appealing than washing away your woes behind a bottle - SHOPPING. You're new. You have nothing to wear. It is time, my friends, to treat yo selves. And who better to do it with than your friendly, neighborhood me? Lawrence is limited when it comes to fashion, but I know the wheres and I am all too willing to help you all rustle up a wardrobe worthy of your fab selves.
3. So you don't like shopping. That is incredibly tragic and we're probably going to need to have a serious conversation, but okay, okay. I'll deal. There are still sights to see and places to go and you're probably gonna want to get the lay of the land. If you need a tour guide? Look no further. I've got you covered, ladies and gents.
In other news, I'm off the meds and up and at 'em (hence the post!), but these bandages are super itchy. I've said it before and I'll say it again: PETER PAN AND HIS LOST BOYS ARE LITTLE BITCHES WHO DESERVE TO BE STRANDED ON THAT STUPID ISLAND.
Oh, and Felicia. Dude, I'm glad you're back, but the coffee delivery was really not a thing that needed to happen. You know how I feel about shit coffee that is actual shit.