Darker London

Joss had told Carly – echoing the words that Ismail had told him – that it felt like the hardest part of recovery was figuring out how to want to recover. This thought was a tangled road, full of guilty offshoots and haunted dead ends, and was an exhausting one to walk.

He didn’t want to be over Kenzie, because whatever she'd been she’d been important, and letting go of that sense of importance felt like lying to himself. Joss didn’t want to lie to himself and pretend like nothing had happened, pretend like he was not the person he was. But he did want to be a better person.

( ... )

“Merry!” Zoe called out as she saw the other girl walking stiffly past the library toward her first lecture. It was the first day of the final week of class; those who were up at almost-nine in the morning walked across campus with a determination that spoke of ploughing through, sleep or no sleep, till they reached the end of the semester. Those that weren’t walking across campus were still in bed.

“Ah,” said Merry, and at the same moment, both girls said: “I wanted to talk to you.”

Both girls looked at each other. "Well this sounds promising," Zoe said cheerfully.

( ... )

Merry was woken up by someone banging on her door, and she scrambled out of bed with her heart in her throat and her phone in her hand. The light burned into her eyes when she turned it on, and she paused at the door. “Who is it?” she called, blinking as she adjusted her eyes.

Though if it was… Russian ninjas or anything like that, surely they wouldn’t knock. She probably didn’t need her phone ready for an emergency but she had it anyway.

“April,” called through the door, and Merry swallowed a mouthful of heart and unlocked her door to let April in.

( ... )

Merry woke up earlier than most people in McKinley Hall, enjoying the quiet hour before the campus burst into life. It was nice just to stay in her room without listening to conversations or music through the walls, without flinching whenever anyone ran down the hall. It was nice to be able to use the showers before they were crowded. There were a few others she saw most mornings, usually the group that would hit the gym early, though there was also a group who set up camp near the coffee in the kitchen and frantically finished assignments.

When Merry and Ellie first moved into McKinley they’d almost always had breakfast together, but she hadn't seen Ellie at breakfast for weeks. This year, Ellie was more likely to run past, minutes before class started, skull down a glass of milk and dart out the door, banana in hand. Merry missed the time they used to spend together in the mornings. They had lunch together when their schedules allowed it and dinners most nights, but there were always other people around and Merry didn’t think it was selfish to miss the days when she had her best friend all to herself.

( ... )

April lay on her bed listening to the same Ingrid Michaelson song over and over as all the light faded from her room. She’d eaten a family bag of crisps and her stomach was cramping. She hadn’t had a shower today and she felt like she was doing depression really badly.

I’m an invisible disaster, Ingrid sang.

Yeah, thought April, bitterly satisfied that someone else got it, annoyed that they got it and turned it into something they could sell.

Broken down the middle of my heart – heart –

Maybe that was overdoing it a little, Ingrid. April sighed.

She was bored of being depressed and alone.

( ... )

Things had gone sour at uni, anyone could see.

Joss had turned up once on Monday, stayed at home for the rest of the week, and turned up again on Friday afternoon. One side of his face was painted with fading bruises. He felt pummelled, but could not bear to stay at home another day. Razvan was judging him.

( ... )

It was some late hour on Tuesday morning when Joss got home, stumbling into the chasm of the entranceway, one hand on the wall as he moved, step by step toward his bedroom. He’d stayed at the uni pub with April till they closed, then went back to the halls for more drinking, as he and April encouraged a group of first years to write off Monday night completely. On the surface is was a great night. There was a lot of laughter, especially when he and another guy (Jack? Frank?) walked in on April with her hand down Ollie’s pants, and when Dana threw up out the window and everyone who wasn’t a Nutford resident had to flee out the same window because one of the dorm neighbours called campus security because it was nearly three in the fucking morning and they just wouldn’t shut up.

He and April split up from the others, running toward McKinley till April had to bend over, hands gripping her knees, gasping for breath till the panting turned into tears.

( ... )

Zoe tensed when she heard footsteps running up the library steps behind her, even though she didn’t expect that whoever it was was actually trying to catch up with her, even though people ran past her all the time, she still tensed. You could expect danger, and still not be prepared for it, which was why when she heard the voice behind her say her name, she wasn’t expecting it, and jumped.

Merry smiled because she understood jumping at the sound of her own name. It was a ridiculous thing to understand, but it was a ridiculous thing to do. Her stupid, jumpy self; she hated it. “Alright,” she said, to Zoe.

“Hi,” Zoe said.

The girls eyed each other suspiciously, out of habit.

( ... )

On the Sunday before classes started back, Merry was reorganising her room in McKinley Hall, unpacking her life back into her room. It felt like ages since she’d been here; a different woman had returned than the one who had left, and Merry wasn’t sure she liked her as much.

They’d been back in London for a week – she and Ellie and Geordie, Joss and Leon. Merry had been staying at Neil’s, and there hadn’t been a single day between coming home and leaving again than Merry hadn’t burst into tears at something totally stupid. This was not like her, not like the person she wanted to be at all.

She was more exhausted, and, Merry though, less brave.

( ... )

Merry spent the first week of the summer holidays feeling like she was going mad with frustration. She’d moved back home for the break, though she spent most of her time at Geordie’s house, or at Ellie’s, where it was quieter.

How did you track down a boy, a girl and a ghost, when they didn’t want to be found?

( ... )