FRONT PAGECannibal to Visit St. Mungo'sRita SkeeterNative healer, Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, from Papua New Guinea, is slated to visit St. Mungo's Hospital this Monday. What his true intentions for this visit are unknown, but there has been much bravado about his impending visit. After speaking with numerous employees about this expected visitor, it has come to my attention that his presence might not be for St. Mungo's best intentions. A few nurses are making sure to stay close to the nursery ward just in case his cannibalistic tendencies are set on the newborns within the hospital.
One nurse in particular, Mildred Dehctar, who has been working at St. Mungo's for over twenty years, spoke exclusively with me about her apprehension and fears of this healer visiting St. Mungo's. With her large green eyes glossy with fear and tears threatening to spill over flush pink cheeks, Mildred put on a brave face and gave me information to share with you lovely readers.
"We're all worried about this healer coming to St. Mungo's. Unfortunately, because he is a guest of the Minister, there isn't much us nurses can say against it." Mildred admits, her hands wringing around a kerchief nervously, "The nurses, well, we're all ready for the worse. We have around the clock watch on the nursery wards, and we're hoping that we can get some hitwizards to patrol with us. We just want to be safe, you never know what these types of people can do. I tell you, the Minister must be mad for inviting a known head hunter to the hospital. I mean, have you heard the stories?! He chops off the heads of people and wears them around his neck like it's some sort of TROPHY! Why would the Ministry invite someone like THAT to our quiet hospital?!"
After much research about healers from Papua New Guinea, this reporter has found that some of their rituals involve human sacrifice, and after the consumption of newborn babies. How the Minister of Magic can allow such a barbarian into the safe walls of St. Mungo's is beyond me.
The information I have found about Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, seems to be under wraps within Ministry, almost like they are attempting to hide such facts. Ask the Ministry why a known head hunter - that is, a person who likes to hunt human beings for fun, lop off their heads and wear them around their neck as a sign of power - can be allowed within St. Mungo's. Unless, of course, this said head hunter is being admitted to the Janice Thickey Ward, but I doubt the Minister Shacklebolt would invite a person to the hospital just to lock them away.
No, of course not. This bizarre barbarian who likes to eat little children and lop of the heads of others is instead invited to St. Mungo's in hopes of teaching the healers there a thing or two about head hunting and human sacrifice. One can only assume what is going to come from this. I recommend all slated births be move to another magical hospital for fear that their newborn child might be eaten by this ruffian!
"All the nurses here are scared. We're bracing for the worse." Adds Mildred.
Stay vigilant, patients of St. Mungo's, and stay wary of a man who looks like
this.PAGE TWOCannibal Lecturer Causes ConsternationErastus SaintConcerned citizens across Britain railed today at the news of a witch doctor Iecturing at St. Mungo's Hospital in London. The person in question, Khakhua Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba, is proclaimed to be a visiting Healer and tribal ambassador from Papua New Guinea according to a press statement from Ministry officials, but sources close to the Prophet insist he is a practicer of strange magic and a consumer of human flesh.
''How can this man -- and I hesitate to use that word to describe him -- call himself a doctor if he sees his patients as food?" said Owain Rhys Llewellyn-Llewellyn, head of the Grand College of Healers of Cymru. "What sort of oath did he take? First, do no harm; second, add salt to taste?"
"I would never allow myself to be examined by someone like that," said Aoife McCIannaghan, an apothecary in Armagh. "I'd be too afraid that any potion he might give me was really a marinade of some sort."
Those attending the proceedings when Tagoga Yauwii Dobunaba arrives on Monday should be aware of a potential picketing of the event by concerned Wizards and Witches.
PAGE THREEBook Pulled From Shelves; Marketing Ploy or Controversy?Rose FaustLast May, Naturalist Rolf Scamander (Grandson of former Hogwarts Headmaster, Newton Scamander) released his first book
World Wolf. This controversial book deals heavily with the
lax international laws surrounding werewolves which are leading to a dangerous increase in their world population and how Scamander, through his findings, thinks such a problem should be dealt with.
Unfortunately, as of yesterday, the books are no longer to be sold and all English copies have been pulled off shelves. The author allegedly claims that some of his findings were 'misinterpreted' when his book was translated into English from it's original German release.
"The book was released prematurely," claims Arnold Moths, Scamander's barrister, "Mr. Scamander was never given the chance to properly examine his work for the mistakes that, with the re-release of his book, he hopes to correct."
Whether this is true, or some ploy to boost sales when the books are re-released (tentatively in December) only time will tell. Scamander's representatives have been very vague about what was so wrong about the books, so we here at the Prophet can only speculate.
PAGE SIXCannons Make Unknown Their First Summer SigningEvan LightnerChudley Cannons fans have been hoping for a big-name signing this off-season. Chudley finally made a move a few days ago, signing a player whose surname is a somewhat sizeable eight letters long.
The Cannons have signed Cormac McLaggen on trial as their reserve team Keeper. McLaggen joins the Cannons after a brief career at Hogwarts as a reservist on last year's Cup-winning Gryffindor squad.
"If he's half as good as he says he is, he'll be starting before long," Cannons manager Ragmar Dorkins said in a news conference yesterday. "He gave a good account for himself in trials, so we'll let him have a fair crack at playing."
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