Gaza held a hand over his eyes, clamping them shut under his palm, blocking out the world around him. Essex had granted him a kindness, if it could be called that: the ability to switch off the vast view of his surroundings provided by his mind's eye, to shield himself from the endless vista, simply by closing his eyes. It had been a necessary quirk to add to the powerset grafted onto him by the infamous mad scientist. It enabled the Savage Lander to sleep.
Sleep was a distant concept now though, a flimsily abstract idea, a thing which loomed over him and was to be fought against, repelled, slain. He stood in the centre of his room, his usually sturdy frame swaying unconsciously, resting his mind with his hand rather than climbing under the covers and losing himself to slumber. He couldn't stay awake for much longer. It had been three days since he'd last leapt from his bed to escape the nightmares and his reserves were almost fully depleted. His bones ached, he didn't know it but his skin was pale and grey, dark purple-black smudges beneath his eyes, he was nauseous, cold, seeing the shadows of shapes he knew could not be real. All he had to do was lay down. But he couldn't.
At first he'd been punishing himself, tormented by his failure to see what was happening at the school, across the land, in plain sight. Gaza watched. That wasn't just a hobby or even a job. It was his
purpose. But he hadn't seen. He was just a blind man after all. As the others had begun to recover from their injuries (inflicted upon them because they were forced to save
him, because his failure had extended to his inability to keep himself from being captured by the tribe from another planet), as they returned one by one to their usual routines, Gaza had quietly retreated. Each day, he spent just enough time with them to be sure that they were well, to keep them from worrying about him when they should be caring for themselves, but largely he'd spent his time alone whenever possible. His thoughts were too dark and he didn't want them to see that darkness reflected in his face. He didn't want them to see how weak he was. He didn't know if he deserved them anymore.
But fatigue was overwhelming him now, swallowing even the greatest of his guilts so that all he could think about was his own exhaustion. He couldn't sleep though, wouldn't. He was too afraid. They had come for him when he was sleeping. How could he be certain it wouldn't happen again? Irrationally, absurdly, he was scared to let his head touch the pillow, and sickened by the weakness in him implied by that fear. Gaza was losing himself, and there was only one thing, one shape, one man he wanted, needed, but the urge to retain some shred of the proud warrior he'd believed himself to be had kept him from asking for help. He was so tired though. He was so tired.
"New entry." His voice was a low murmur, aimed at the device held in his other hand, the words forming on his lips before he was aware of speaking at all. "Filter, Lupo." He was silent for a full minute, two, the machine in his grasp waiting patiently for further input so it could complete its addition to the journal network. Finally, Gaza forced himself to say what he should have said weeks ago. "Please come,
okeo. Please come." His brow furrowed into a pained frown and he lowered his head, his shame complete. "End entry. Send." In motion at last, he placed the device on the bedside table, then moved to the door to unlock it and leave it open, ready for Lupo's arrival, before finally walking to the other side of the bed and sitting down on its edge, back to the door, head hung. He was supposed to be stronger than this.
[ LUPO ]