Dexy's Demented Diversions

Title:You're a Mean One Voldemort
Author: dead_sexydexy
Rating:PG
Form: filk (song parody)
Word Count 214
Characters: Voldemort
Warnings Rather silly
Notes: Any unfamiliar creatures were pulled from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them. Inspiration also drawn from dishes served at Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party.
Comments: are love
Listen: To You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch. (It can be difficult to sing along at times because of differences in rhyme schemes and some rather dodgy rhythms on my part. I think it helps to at least get the tune into one's head before you try to sing it, if you're so inclined.)

You're a Mean One, Voldemort

You're a mean one, Voldemort.
You really are a skrewt.
You're as cuddly as dragon,
You're as charming as a newt.
Voldemort.

You're maggoty haggis,
In a slimy black bowl.

You're a monster, Voldemort.
Your heart's an empty hole.
You're brain is full of death threats,
You've gone and ripped your soul.
Voldemort.

I wouldn't join you if faced with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot troll.

You're a vile one, Voldemort.
You scare Dementors with your kiss.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a hungry Basilisk
Voldemort.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the hungry Basilisk.


You're a foul one, Voldemort.
You're a sentient heap of gunk.
Your heart is full of angry knarls,
Your soul's locked in a trunk.
Voldemort.

The three words that best describe you
are, and I quote: "Psycho. Evil. Punk."

You want Potter, Voldemort.
You're the king of pureblood snots.
Your heart's a putrid rotting shrake
with acid-y green spots,
Voldemort.

Your soul is a barren waste land split seven times
by performing the most deplorable acts of evil
magic imaginable,
hidden away in secret spots.

You infuriate me, Voldemort.
With a fury super-fur-ious.
You're an insane overlordy
And you'll never be my boss.
Voldemort.

You're a three decker doxy and boomslang sandwich
with asphodel sauce.

Title: Twas the Night Before Christmas
Author: dead_sexydexy in dexy_demented
Rating: PG
Form: Parody (of 'Twas the night Before Christmas-- rather obviously)
Word Count: 534
Characters: Sirius, fangirls, Jo, with cameos by several other HP Characters
Warnings: Idealized smexxy Sirius, destruction of pencils
Notes: This is broader fandom version of the poem written in 2006 for Immeritus. It's an odd mix of fanon/canon/and general silliness with a wee bit of DH canon worked in and a wee bit of it ignored. There's also a nod to the LJ/6A wank of this past year.
Disclaimer: The Potterverse is not mine, I make no money from it, I don’t intend to harm it or anyone else.
Comments: are all I want for Christmas.




'Twas the Night Before Christmas, Siriusly

'Twas the night before Christmas, when many delirious
Fangirls had gathered to write about Sirius.
Fanart was saved on their hard drives with care,
With wishes that Sirius could really be there.

The fangirls were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of motorbikes flew through their heads.
And Mods sans maces and Maintainers sans straps,
Had just logged off their laptops for long winter's naps.

When from somewhere in the darkness there arose such a clatter,
They restarted those puppies to see what was the matter.
Away into cyberspace, they logged on in a flash,
Eyes glued to the screens, some hoping for slash!

As they scrolled through the pages muffled sounds they did hear-y.
Could it be a 6-A invasion? Of these they were weary.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But a tattered black veil and they shuddered in fear.

Then a smiling blonde writer appeared with a glow,
They knew in a moment it could only be Jo.
More rapid than thestrals her off'd characters they came,
And she whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now, Albus! Now, Severus!
Now, Fred and Barty!
On Tonks! On Remus!
On James and Lily!
To the edge of the page!
To the dust bin by the wall!
Now die away! Die away!
Die away all!"

So away to the edge, her characters they walked.
Joined hand in hand, they laughed and they talked.
Then Lily nudged James and he murmured, "Curious,"
And called, "Hey Jo, what'd you do with Sirius?"

And then, in a twinkling, all heard from the veil
A sharp bark-like laugh, most distinctively male.
They nearly got whiplash as they were turning around,
Through the veil, Sirius came with a bound.

He was dressed all in leather, from collar to boots,
And his trousers were designed to accentuate tight glutes!
A bunch of fab gifts were flung on his lean back,
And he looked like a Greek god just opening his pack.

His eyes- how they smoldered. His hair, how shiny!
His pecs were like steel as was his hiney!
His kissable lips were parted just so,
And the gleam of his teeth was as white as snow.

The end of a wand he held tight in his hand,
And for the dead, he was surprisingly tanned.
He had an angular face and a six pack for a belly.
That rippled when he laughed, the fangirl's knees turned to jelly.

He was long and lean, a right splendid sight,
They hoped Jo wouldn’t harm him, for fun or for spite.
A wink of his eye and a shake of his hair
Soon mesmerized them all--they hadn’t a care.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And broke all of Jo’s pencils, then turned with a jerk.
And running his fingers through his black hair,
And giving a nod, his bike appeared from thin air.

He sprang to his motorbike, to the girls gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, just as fast as a missile.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas Fangirls!
Party at my place tonight!”