InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "He's only Mostly Dead!"

Caitlin Snow/Killer Frost (frostandsnow) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2011-06-15 22:23:00

Entry tags:

ruby winchester, sam winchester

Who: Ruby & Sam Winchester
What: A letter arrives
Where: Their Bedroom
When: Early Morning
Rating: Probably low but TBD
Status: In Progress

Ruby heard the door, just a little noise, someone dropping a letter off and quickly finished making Sam's coffee before practicly running to the front hallway. There it was. Just an envelope, something so simple but she held on to it like it was the most precious thing in the world as soon as she'd put the coffee down and bent to pick it up. The puppy Sam had bought for her seemed just as eager to play with it as she was so she had to move him back just to get at the letter. The address was handwritten and she knew. This was it. And it was a hell of a time for it to arrive. Sam was still in bed, sleeping off the various injuries he'd gained, from where he wouldn't tell her but she knew it was more than just his fight with Dean. He was too badly hurt. She hadn't questioned when she'd found him. She'd just helped him to their bed, dressed his wounds. Made sure he was comfortable. It crossed her mind only once that her blood would heal him. It wasn't worth it. Especially for the sake of why they'd gone to find a doctor in the first place. It wouldn't do either of them any good to start down that road if in a hypothetical future they'd start trying for a kid. They hadn't had one in the future but then they hadn't had the animals either. They hadn't been so very domestic as they'd become. As domestic as a Hunter and his demon wife could be at any rate.

She turned the envelope over in her hands a few times not sure if she wanted to open it or not. Her gut told her it wasn't good news. If she could have had kids normally they'd really have been Brangelina by now. Hordes and hordes of kids. They had a lot of sex. Something would have happened by now. So in her heart she knew what the contents would say. The doctor had been kind if a little wary of her. Told her she'd done something amazing just by walking away from hell. He'd done tests. Sam had left the room when she'd needed to give blood, under much protest mind, he'd been calling in from the hall asking what was going on. Oh so protective. The Doctor had done what he needed to do and told her he'd have news in a few days.

And it seemed he did.

Ruby finally nodded, grabbed the coffee from where she'd left it on the table near the door, and moved toward the stairs quickly tracing the familiar path to the room she and Sam shared. The room was dark and the puppy bounded along behind her, but waited at the door. Fluffball was curled up on the pillow she had not long vacated. Ruby moved instead to sit at Sam's side of the bed waking her husband with a soft kiss and looking over the injuries to his face with a critical eye. He was stable still. He'd heal. He was strong. "Baby its here, the letter from the doc." she told him handing over the envelope and his coffee as soon as he was awake enough to take them. "I'm pretty sure its a no, I mean...it'd be impossible if I could and we hadn't yet but maybe there's something we can do. He said he'd look up some stuff, let us know. But if I can't I mean...thats okay isn't it. We said it wouldn't change anything..."

It wouldn't, she knew that. Sam loved her too much to let it change anything, and she was expecting not to be able to. But there was a small part of her. A tiny part of her that said maybe, maybe it was just coincidence that she hadn't gotten pregnant. Maybe she could and maybe someday... Nah there was no point. The puppy jumped at her legs seeming to sense the anticipation in the room and Ruby reached down to pet him, it didn't do much to take her mind off any of it.

"So...do we open it."

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-16 01:22 am UTC (link)

It was sort of funny. All that pain he was in, physically and emotionally, and it was the tiny, gentle kiss that Ruby laid onto him that pulled Sam through the veil of sleep and into the world of consciousness. The place where her lips had met his skin burned pleasantly, momentarily drowning out the stings and aches and roundabout dictionary of definite words that were generally used to describe that a person was, in fact, in a very distinctive, notable amount of pain. Even with all that pain in mind, it was the kiss that stood out the most - just that one kiss - so maybe it was a little more than funny. Maybe it was right, or beautiful, or romantically remarkable ; the kind of thing that Sam could never really find the right words to describe, but knew to be the type of thing he was supposed to feel, because it was coming from the woman that he loved. And he was right. It was the woman that he loved, he could tell that much before he even opened his eyes, knowing just how her kisses felt. Through all the pain, she was there making sure that the first thing he felt was something warm. It probably wasn't an intentional thing, just something that Ruby had opted for in order to wake him up, but in his sleep ridden mind all Sam could think of was how lucky of a man he was to have her there to wake up with every single day.

Except...why was she waking him up?

Tiredly, Sam opened his eyes and blinked at Ruby in a state of groggy confusion, mind only half processing the words that were spilling from her mouth until she was shoving a warm mug and an envelope his way. In spite of the protest of his aching limbs, Sam sat upright, the sheets that he had tucked around his body dropping down to his waist to reveal that he'd slept without a shirt the night prior. Considering he'd taken a knife to his right shoulder and had a few stitches thrown into his side and back as a result of some kind of injury he'd received during some point of the unfortunate ass kicking he'd participated in, Sam found it was easier to work without the clothes on his upper body for a while. Cleaning his wounds, changing the bandages, and making sure that his stitches were setting in properly was a hell of a lot easier to do when he didn't have to put himself through the process of pulling his shirt on and off - especially with that shoulder of his right now, which didn't want to do any stretching or lifting whatsoever until it stopped feeling like it was going to fall off. At least it was mostly done bleeding all over the place. Optimism: he had some.

Of course, even with all the dramatic description of his injuries, Sam was more than able to handle himself. This wasn't the first time he'd gotten out of the bad end of a fight, nor were these injuries the worst he'd ever gotten, so Sam was able to deal with it all without having to be carted off to some hospital someplace. It also helped that his wife was able to stitch up flesh like a pro, which Sam was more than appreciative about, as it meant he didn't have to do the job himself.

The wife. Right. She was sitting beside him now, coffee and envelope outstretched his way with a concerned look set into her features well enough to make him sit up just a bit faster. Sam rubbed a hand against the side of his head and through his hair, then took each item from her hands, the fresh smell of coffee waking him up just enough for him to catch onto what Ruby was talking about.

Thank god for the coffee. If Ruby wasn't a literal demon, he'd be dubbing her a saint right now.

"It doesn't change anything," Sam repeated, words coming through honestly, though his voice sounded a little rough. The coffee would help. Seriously, it was a godsend. Shifting on the bed, just enough so that Ruby could comfortably slide over and sit closer to him, Sam took a gulp from his mug, set it over on the bedside table, then handed the envelope back to Ruby. "I think you should open it. But only if you're ready." He thought that maybe it would be better if she was the one to do it. Even though Ruby was playing it cool, Sam could tell that this meant a lot to her. She deserved to be the first one to read it.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-16 04:18 am UTC (link)

Handing her back the envelope was unexpected, and now she had it in her hands she wasn't sure if she wanted to open it or not. She busied herself looking over his injuries, making sure all the bandages were still in place, she'd have to redress one or two of them later and maybe Sam would want breakfast. He probably would. It would be the thing to do rather than sitting about reading stupid letters she already knew the contents of. She was more than a little nervous now it was there in her hand. It was such a simple thing really, just a letter, but she was finding it meant more and more to her to be able to do this for Sam. Even if they never did have kids, even if they decided their lives were just too crazy and they didn't want them it would be nice to be able. To have that option. Because that was normal wasn't it? Most women could do this for their husbands. And if they couldn't well there were other options, fertility drugs, or surrogacy or even adoption. But no agency would allow them to adopt when they didn't even have identities really, and Sam's original one was declared dead. Very dead. Exploded in a police station as a wanted criminal dead. She figured she needed to feel bad about sending Lilith there. Those lives, that little virgin, they'd meant more than a lesson to the boys and it had taken her this long to see it. No, she needed to look in that envelope. For her, and for the husband that had pulled her out from hells grasp and treated her like a person and not a monster. This was for them.

She waited till he'd sat up a little and moved to wrap herself in beside him. Not pressing against him too much, he was still hurting and she had no intention of making it worse. But she needed him close when she did this. That warmth he had that seemed to be only for her. She needed it now as she slid a nail along the top of the envelope to get to the letter inside. She took a deep, albiet unneeded breath and skim read the letter. Unusual case... never had to consider ...in spite of ...due to possessions effect on the body ...not applicable in this case ...most likely unable to concieve a child of your own Most likely unable. Most likely. He couldn't just say no. That she was a demon, a thing of evil and she couldn't ever be expected to give her husband a kid, even with the options other people had.

Well that sucked.

"Yeah so, no." she said simply, trying to brush it off. It was ridiculous anyway. She didn't even want a kid, so why did her insides feel like they were tearing up just from reading the damn letter. She was a demon. And she'd known Lucifer hadn't twisted souls just so they could spawn little baby demons. The body she walked around in it wasn't even hers. Would any kid have even been hers anyway? Or Sam's and the woman, the Jane Doe who's name she'd never now know even if she cared to. It was better this way. It was simpler. And he still loved her, he'd said so. He'd said he'd still love her even if that option was gone now. And he would. She'd stopped being jealous enough to think he wouldn't love her if she wasn't perfect like Jessica. His love for Jess had turned to friendship. She was his wife, and she was slowly but surely becoming more content in that positon. She'd had to have or he'd probably have gone mad eventually trying to convince her.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-16 04:19 am UTC (link)

She didn't care, she didn't need to care. She needed to worry about Sam now. He was what mattered. "Right so thats done." she said scrunching up the letter and letting it fall into the bin nearest the bed. "I was thinking breakfast. I could do eggs. I'm getting better at eggs. You just put them in water. Even I can't screw up boiling an egg right. Then I can change those bandages and we could just spend the day together, you'd like that, right? We could just watch movies or silly talk shows on TV, or do some research, there could be that? We never did hit that case before everything went crazy back here. And I mean it doesn't even begin to matter that we can't have...that we won't... not in comparison to what Mel's gonna have to go through. He really loves her doesn't he? Adam I mean? Its amazing to see how people form relationships. I never thought about it from the outside. It never really clicked, even Epiphany and Nathan and jeez who saw that coming right? Not me? Probably not anyone, funny how love happens isn't it. Crazy really especially in a place like this, all the different worlds and stuff coming together..."

Yeah so she was babbling, so sue her. Maybe she needed to babble. "...I need to feed Schmoopie, so, I'll do that and make you that egg and do you want more coffee after that. I should get on that." she said moving to pull away from him. She didn't want him to see how much it was affecting her. Because it shouldn't even bother her. It didn't really even bother her. It was stupid. They should never have wasted time getting it checked out. They had better things to do with their lives than worry about impossibilities. She'd go about her life like a normal person, feed the dog. Sit with her husband.

Thinking like she had been was dangerous. Thinking like she had a chance at motherhood, she'd given up that idea over eight centuries ago for a reason she didn't even remember. For some deal involving witchcraft and a demon whore who used witches as her bread and butter in the real world. Then obviously the deal had come due and she'd been dragged to hell. That was her first memory, the hellhounds. How could she expect to be mother to a kid when her first memory was of vicious cruel animals that tore people apart for kicks. How could she teach any kid to be good, to have a normal life when its Mom was a monster. It was better that she couldn't and better that she didn't think like that again. It was a stupid plan.

It was stupid.

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-16 05:26 am UTC (link)

Sam didn't need the verbal verification. Ruby popped that letter open with a wary, somewhat hopeful look in her eyes that she couldn't have hid from him even if she wanted to and, as she silently skimmed the paper held out in front of her, Sam could see that hopeful expression fall away, crumbling into a brief state of sadness, which Ruby quickly buried as she shrugged off the news and began to spout out a list of activities and chores that had absolutely nothing to do with the important information that they had just received. Sam caught her arm, preventing Ruby from sliding off the bed, and pulled her back. She wasn't going anywhere. "Sit down," Sam told her, brow creasing with concern. "You're upset. You're avoiding discussion, you're trying to run off on me, and you're hiding your emotions from me, even though you and I both know I can see on your face bright as day that you're not happy." Even though his entire body protested him moving by much, Sam pushed his back away from the pillow he had been leaning against and swung his legs over the side of the bed, doing all he could to keep himself from looking too pathetic by suppressing the wince that followed the movement. His jaw went tight for a second as he steadied himself, then Sam turned so that he was sitting opposite Ruby, his good arm beckoning her closer so that he could pull her to his chest.

"The eggs and coffee can wait," Sam promised, "stay here with me. Talk to me. I know you're trying to act tough 'cause that's what you do sometimes when something is bothering you, but you don't have to pretend in front of me."

Sam didn't know how he felt about any of it yet. He was nowhere near ready to have a kid and the talk that he and Ruby had before was all just talk, so he hadn't thought too much about it. Then there was the whole thing where their child wouldn't be normal, which would lead into more hunters trying to take them out of the picture, which would mean that even if they did manage to put this apocalypse down, they'd still have to constantly worry about someone trying to hunt them down. And that was only if they didn't need to worry about their child being the one that they needed to be afraid of.

All that didn't mean that Sam protested the idea of he and Ruby potentially having a child together someday, but right now he just wasn't so certain if the parent thing was right for them. The news wasn't great, but it wasn't bad enough to upset him the way it was Ruby. Truth be told, it was Ruby's reaction to all of this that drilled into his own personal reaction, which was worrying about Ruby. He had followed through on these tests because of her, because she had been so concerned about whether or not they would be able to create life on their own one day, should they ever decide that they want to. It seemed like maybe Ruby did want to, or at least she was leaning toward it more than she used to be, because the news was hitting her a lot harder than she wanted to let on.

She wanted to make him happy. She wanted to submit to the rules of society by fulfilling their expectations in regards to what 'normal' wives were supposed to do, no matter how many times Sam told her he didn't care about normal, because being with her was more than enough for him, and knowing that she would never be able to carry a child for him, no matter how hard she tried, was more than enough news to bring her down. Sam could tell her that he didn't care. He could make her all kinds of promises that this didn't bother him, that they'd be okay at the end because all that didn't matter to him, but she'd still take it personally and that bothered him.

"This doesn't change anything," Sam reminded her, "C'mere. I'm right here."

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frostandsnow
2011-06-17 12:36 am UTC (link)

Yeah she was upset. More than she wanted to let on, least of all to her husband. And it was stupid. She didn't want kids. But having that option taken away from her entirely, it hurt more than she could put into words. Cause someday she could have changed her mind, her and Sam both, ad they'd have worked out a way for it to happen. A little kid running around the grass outside, playing, calling for them to watch and whatever kids did. They could have made life, like most other people could and maybe in some small measure it would make up for all the horrible things she'd done in her long existence. And irrationally it only made her resent Jo all the more. Jo and her stupid bauble baby and the baby she'd already been carrying. How did someone that didn't even want kids until last year get that lucky. Someone that was treating them like a burden. Someone that cliff dived in her first trimester for god sake. ...Yeah, God. Clearly it was his fault. But she wasn't gonna lie to Sam now, tell him it was all okay when it wasn't. He deserved better than that from her. So she waited until he'd sat up, wincing in sympathy at how hard it had to have been for him. And when he did she rested her head as lightly as she could against his chest, sliding in to sit closer to him. She wasn't gonna tell him it was all okay. But it wasn't.

"I'm not...I mean I don't want kids. I just hate that I can't now. Not ever. I hate that that decision isn't ours and I hate people that don't even care just being able to." she sighed. "I know, I'm a demon. I shouldn't expect the world to turn around and be good to me. I don't deserve that. I'm a monster inside and I shouldn't be able to be a Mom, and now that I can't I wonder how I could have thought for a second I ever could. But I feel like...I know you don't want them now, neither do I, not for years yet. But is that how it'll be in ten years. When you're nearly 40 and don't have anyone to pass on the name to? Who knows maybe Dean would by then, maybe Jess'll meet someone, there'll be kids running around Lawrence but none that are ours. And we can't even do any fertility treatment, we can't even adopt cause well, you're legally dead and I'm a demon with no official identity. I feel like I failed and thats what tears me up inside."

More babbling seemed like the thing to do but she didn't expect the tears. Stupid trecherous tears that she didn't let out around anyone but Sam. And she sat there in his arms, just letting the hurt of it all out.

"I'm not trying to be normal or whatever. We had that talk. I'm just annoyed, and its stupid and I shouldn't let it get to me, but here it is getting to me." Ruby's hand wrapped around her husbands waist softly as the other wiped her eyes. She wasn't going to let this break her. It just hurt. And Sam knew what to say and what to do. Sometimes she figured she just needed to babble. Sometimes it was easier just to let out what she thought because then he could tell her if it was irrational and crazy or if it made sense. It was how things worked for her cause she knew sometimes she could be more than a little crazy. But it seemed he liked her that way. "Is it crazy? Thinking like this? Feeling bad for something I might never even care about. It seems like its crazy." she asked. She felt bad sometimes, the levels of crazy she put him through.

"I really should think about those eggs you know." she finally mused. "And you, you shouldn't even be sitting up."

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-17 02:31 am UTC (link)

She was crying. Oh, how Sam hated to see her cry. A painful twinge coursed it's way through his chest and grabbed at his heart and, injuries be damned, Sam pulled his bad arm up and around Ruby's side, tugging her in closer without a single care as to how his wounds felt about it. His emotions were far more powerful than any physical pain he might well take on, especially when it came down to the woman he was cradling in his arms. She needed this. She needed him and he wasn't about to let her down. "Hey," Sam said softly, leaning down to kiss Ruby's forehead, "it's okay. You're allowed to let it get to you, all right? This is something you care about. Don't be afraid to let that show." It was weird, sitting here and comforting her about the possibility of them being able to have a child being blown completely out of the water. Maybe he should have been more disappointed on his behalf, but he wasn't. It was only Ruby that upset him. Her reluctance to talk about it, the tears that were spilling down her face, the sense of Ruby's heart being torn into pieces because of the knowledge that she'd never have the opportunity to bring life into this world - Sam wished that he had some way to change it all, that she'd have that shot if she really wanted it, because it'd be one more thing in this life that he could give her. Things were pretty damn complicated when it came to Ruby. Sam was happy that she had turned her back on Hell, he was grateful that she regretted all of those things that she had done before she'd understood what it was like to be on the other side, but he still couldn't stand to see Ruby beat herself up over it. That quiet look she'd get on her face sometimes, suggesting that she was okay with being put down or kicked to the curb, always reaching the worst possible conclusion when it came down to what she did and didn't deserve - it killed him. Sam wanted Ruby to be able to believe that she was allowed to have more. That she didn't need to be punished every second of every single day because of that life she had lived before, because she was changing everything just by standing tall and proud with the people fighting against Heaven and Hell and everything else that decided that it wanted to bring on the bad. She deserved happiness. She deserved more. Ruby was allowed to want things. She was allowed to hope and dream and wish for something better and Sam would never rest until he truly believed that she understood and accepted that.

He only hoped that day would come soon. It killed him every time he had to watch her tear herself apart.

"First and foremost, I want you to stop putting yourself down," Sam pointed out, "you're a demon, but you're reformed and you're making one hell of a difference out here, fighting with us." Sam pulled some of her hair out of her face and squeezed Ruby gently, letting her lean into him as much as she needed to. "You're just as deserving as anyone else. More so, if you ask me. If I could give you the world, I'd set out and start setting it up for you in a heartbeat." But Ruby didn't want the world. She wanted to be able to carry a child, something that they now knew would never be able to happen.

"When I was younger and still going to school - pre-Stanford, I mean - I was running around, being trained up to be Dad's perfect soldier, moving from place to place with the knowledge that I was never going to be anything more or less than a hunter." Sam paused, a sad, faint smile crossing his battered features for a flicker of a moment. "That was until some teacher put this idea that I could be more into my head. He told me I was smart. Said I could really get into a good school if I wanted to, which was kind of surprising to me, you know? I'd never really thought about school before. It was the family business for me, werewolves and vampires and ghosts and all that crap, right up to the very day I died and that was it. But as soon as he put that idea in my head, everything changed. I figured, hey, what if? What if I did go to school? What if I majored in something, got a real job, settled down, got married, did all that crap that normal people did, because it was a hell of a lot more appealing than living the way I had been then."

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-17 02:32 am UTC (link)

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're pretty familiar with this story, right? I mean, you and your demon buddies were my biggest fangirls at the time, weren't you?" He nudged her shoulder playfully, hoping to brighten up her spirits a little in the process. "I spent the rest of my childhood dreaming up something big. Wishing for more, even though I knew I could never really have it. Back then, there wasn't really an escape. It was do what Dad said, that was the golden rule, no matter how often I imagined I'd turn on heel and run the other way and do whatever I damn well wanted to. So no, I don't think you're crazy. You got this idea of something really beautiful put into your head and now you think maybe one day you might want it. Being disappointed by the knowledge that you can't have it is perfectly fine. I know it's not exactly the same, 'cause I was a kid then and eventually I did get to go to college - for a little while, at least - but I don't think that you getting upset over having a potential option for your future torn out of the path you're walking on is a crime. It's understandable that you're upset right now, especially since you deserve to have ten million kids someday, if that's what you want."

Sam's expression softened. He reached over and tilted Ruby's chin upward, cupping her face in a hand while he dragged his thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear. "I'm so sorry you'll never be able to give birth to a child of your -" He paused, knowing that wasn't just what she wanted. "- our own. I'm sorry. Maybe everyone else'll have kids, maybe we'll have to sit by and watch as Dean and Jess and whoever else builds up a family of their own, kids and all. But you know what? You and me, we'll still have each other. We'll always have each other, okay? And while they're off having kids, we'll be the one's visiting and teaching them all kinds of crazy stuff and they'll call us their super cool Aunt Ruby and Uncle Sam. And hey, they won't be wrong. We are super cool."

Not the eggs thing again. "I'm not hungry. And I'm sitting up and there's nothing you can do about it. So those two things? Non-issues. I do think you need to hug me more, though, because I'm feeling sorely neglected in that department."

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frostandsnow
2011-06-18 08:56 pm UTC (link)

How could he completely turn her emotions just by hugging her. She didn’t understand it but she knew she’d never be capable of loving anyone else the way she loved Sam. He could make her feel better just by being there. And he was hurting and he still went out of his way to make her feel better, pulling her close to him so she would know he cared. And he told her it was okay, how she felt. Told her she was allowed to feel bad. Allowed to let it show. And she knew that, she was around him. She hated that she was being so irrational and, dare she say it.. girly about this. It shouldn’t have mattered to the demon that she couldn’t have a kid. It was probably better for the world that she and Sam never could. But that part of her, that little voice in her head saying Sam deserved better, deserved a wife that could give him some semblance of normalcy, it kept screaming at her that she was hurting him. He might not say it, he might not think it at all but she was. Because she was keeping him from having any semblance at all of a normal life. She was more than convinced Mary thought it too, and Dean, and everyone else that cared about Sam. And she knew it was probably ridiculous and that he’d yell at her for even considering thinking like that but there the thoughts were larger than life as usual. She knew how much Sam hated to see her upset, she felt the same when he was, and there was nothing she could say to make him better. But unlike her he didn’t deserve to feel like that. Or no, was that what he wanted her to stop doing. Putting herself down. Acting like she deserved every bad thing that came her way. But she did. 800 years of evil, surely she didn’t make up for that with a short time of being the good guy. He was always saying she deserved to be happy, and she was, she was happier than she’d ever been, this was just one more knock. And she was used to taking them.

And she was right, because then Sam said it, told her to stop putting herself down, and she couldn’t resist another soft kiss against his chest.

“I know. I was actually just thinking you’d say something like that...” she said amusement finding its way into her voice.
She knew he’d give her the world if she wanted it. But Ruby didn’t, had never wanted the world. The world could be for other people with more ambitions that live happily with the man she loved and be the best wife she could be. What else she wanted was simple, and impossible, and a ridiculous dream she had to give up before it had even really become anything stronger than a future potential maybe. When Sam started talking about his childhood though she smiled, she knew it well, the whole story. But hearing it from him? That was different. She hadn’t known the effect the teacher had had on him. One experience that they hadn’t tainted on him. And it seemed the guy had had an effect. They’d wanted Sam to be the perfect solider, and John was training him up good and proper. But someone had made him believe that he could be more than that, there was nothing wrong with that at all.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-18 11:06 pm UTC (link)

Ruby liked the guy, whoever he was. He’d given Sam hope for something better, at least for a little while. “Yeah I knew the story, but I didn’t know about him. That teacher, that wasn’t us. That wasn’t anything we’d planned for, sure we used Stanford, Azazel sent Brady out but you getting there, those hopes and dreams they were real. And sure, I had that whole dream. I wanted so badly for maybe someday us to be normal, with our normal life and family. But we can’t do it. Its not gonna happen. But I know you. You’d give me the world if you could and you’d do anything for me. So you’re gonna do something for me. You’re gonna go to school. Maybe not right away, and maybe only part time but I want you to. Because you deserve to. You study whatever the hell you want. But you do it. That way there’s something good we can do with ourselves. When all this is over you be something you wanna be and I’ll be the most awesome housewife ever. You can buy me things!”

All joking aside though, she was serious. She wanted this.

When he wiped her tears away she smiled softly, she would be the best Aunt in the world. “I can like, feed the kids fries and be a pain in the parent’s ass right? Like with Parker. You know he calls us Aunt Ruby and Uncle Sam. And it feels okay. I expected weird but...I don’t know, he’s a good kid, and we’re practically related what with the guy love you have with his Dad and all.” she added teasingly. She couldn’t help it, it never failed to amuse her, but when he told her she needed to hug him more she was more than happy to oblige, even if she was pretty sure it was a veiled ploy to avoid eggs cooked by her. She laughed curling into him more and slowly pulling him back into a lying position on the bed. “I really am getting better at eggs. The boiling of them anyway.” she said pulling his arms around her till she could entwine her hand in his. “All the same though, when we’re being cool Aunt and Uncle for those kids, You’re gonna want to do the cooking aren’t you”

This could be okay. She was disappointed yes, maybe she always would be. But she could get on with things. That’s what people did right, that was human. Fight through the disappointment. And he’d be there with her every step. She knew that too.

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-18 11:53 pm UTC (link)

"If you knew that I was gonna say that, then you must know I'm right," Sam pointed out, "you deserve so much more than you believe you do. It's not fair that you go around thinking that you don't, because you do." Sam thought that it was fair that he got to make that call for the both of them. If Ruby tried to say that her victims wouldn't agree, he'd be real quick to say that he had been one of her victims at one point, too, and that he believed more than anything else that Ruby deserved her shot at happiness in every way possible. It didn't matter that he held an extremely biased opinion on the matter, Sam was pretty sure that anyone around here would say the same if Ruby asked them. She was a person. A good person with a bad history, that was all. She couldn't keep living in a world where she kept punishing herself for things that were buried deep down into her past. She was trying, every day, to better herself and Sam thought that was more than good enough. For every life she didn't go around destroying, she was making a difference. She was one less bad demon in the world, fighting against the very creatures she used to be. And she did a damn good job at it, as far as Sam was concerned. "Promise me you'll stop beating yourself up about this, Ruby. Promise me you'll start thinking more of yourself, 'cause I can't stand to see you put yourself down the way that you do. You don't deserve it."

He only realized, then, that he was being something of a hypocrite. Fortunately, he wasn't the subject of the conversation, so his hypocrisy didn't exactly linger in the limelight. Sam didn't want it to. This was about Ruby and her issues, which were a lot more alarming to him than his own.

Okay, maybe there was an unfortunate part to this conversation. Ruby was bringing up school. Sam had hoped to use that for an example, not something that Ruby genuinely wanted to talk to Sam about. He didn't even think she ever really thought about him going back before, but here she was, insisting that he promise her he'd go. Sam shifted a little and shook his head, immediately disagreeing with the suggestion. "I can't. I'm legally dead. My name won't go through the system without ringing a hell of a lot of bells and then it'd just be the FBI chasing me and Dean and you down all over again. It'd get messy and we don't need anything to be more messy than it already is." He shrugged. Or tried to shrug as much as he could with a stabbed shoulder, which didn't go over all that well. Suppressing another wince, Sam tightened his hold on Ruby with his good arm and shook his head again. "I can't. Anyway, school isn't for me, Brady and Jess proved that, right? I'm just - I'm a hunter now. And I'm okay with that. I've settled, you know?"

Sam felt Ruby pulling him back, fighting his stubborn insistence to sit upright and be all supportive and comforting in a position that didn't make his entire body ache in protest, and Sam found that he wouldn't have been able to fight the gesture off even if he had tried. She was strong. His back hit the pillows propped up behind him and Sam felt his body loosening up. Relaxing. It was good. "Hey, it's not guy love, it's - we're just good friends, okay?" Sam made a face. "Don't call it guy love." Sam was pretty sure that Booth would be on his side on this one. Guy love sounded...less awkward that he was married, but still pretty awkward. Sort of.

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-18 11:57 pm UTC (link)

"Uh, yeah," Sam agreed, "all the cooking is gonna be handled by me, sorry." Sam paused. "I mean, good job on the eggs? Go, Ruby, go?" Sam grinned at her, hands smoothing over her own gently. She didn't seem to be crying anymore, which was good. He was doing something right here. "Look, we can be as normal as we want to be, okay? We'll be our level of normal. No kids, kids - it doesn't matter. And, hey, if you're really looking to fulfill this adorable idea that you've gotta be the stereotype housewife - which, by the way, you don't need to do at all, because I find the idea of a crazy demon wife so much more sexy - gimme a couple minutes to rest up and finish my coffee here. Then help me get down to the kitchen, because I'm pretty sure that staircase is going to royally kick my ass. I'll let you cook your eggs and I'll show you how to fry up a couple pancakes. Deal?"

If nothing else, sitting back and watching Ruby try to successfully make pancakes would make for a good laugh.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-21 05:32 pm UTC (link)

There it was. The man she loved was doing what he did best and raising her confidence just by talking to her, talking her through her crazy and making sure she knew exactly what he thought every time she did this to herself. Every time she put herself down like that. And she knew it hurt him but sometimes she didn’t see how she was allowed to get this lucky. It wasn’t fair to all the people she’d hurt and killed and twisted enough to send them screaming to hell, countless thousands that had every right to wish her nothing but misery and here she was happily married and deeply in love. “I know how you think, that's not the same thing all the time Sam.” she said softly, no she didn’t really want to debate this but here they were all the same. He wanted her to stop beating herself up over her past, thinking more of herself. And Ruby hated to make him feel bad. He hurt when she did it but it was almost instinctive in her mind. “I’m not trying to make you upset, I just know my past better than you do. There are thousands of people that would have lived perfectly happy lives without me. People that for whatever reason Azazel sent me after. And I never asked why, never cared. I just did it, killed, seduced, sent screaming into death. And you want me to stop feeling guilty about it. I thought feeling guilty was what I had to do because if I didn’t then how am I supposed to be better than before?” She wasn’t thinking about it every second of every day but when something bad happened why could she not wonder that it was her fault. That she paid for her many many sins. “I’m not sure I can promise you that. I’m not sure I know how?”

The school thing he was throwing arguments at her about, sensible ones in some ways yeah. He was legally dead. But he was also Sam Winchester. “Forge transcripts, are you saying you or someone here can’t do it? Do a correspondence course if it comes to that. But do something. I know you’re fine being a Hunter now but you still have your dreams. Somewhere in there. And I want you to work toward them, even slowly, even part time, even if it takes you six years. I want you to be doing something. I don’t want to keep you at this place where we are. No kids no career, just existing, that's not fair to you baby and I’m not gonna let you just settle. You don’t deserve to settle you deserve to have everything you want.”

They settled into a comfortable position as he seemed further traumatised by her mocking of the guy love. It was a little bit adorable. He was a little bit adorable. It helped. “What’s wrong with guy love!” she teased making sure he was in as comfortable a position as possible from the injuries he wouldn’t tell her the reason for. It hadn’t all been Dean but she wasn’t about to push him. Not yet. He’d tell her when he was good and ready. Or she’d eventually get impatient and demand to be told. That was of course always a possibility.

“The eggs will be fine. This time they stayed together when I cracked them after boiling. I might attempt scrambling or poaching them next time round.” His hands met hers and she smiled softly tilting her head just enough so their eyes locked. “The kids thing, I’ll get over, but only if you help by actually doing all you can to have some kind of career that you deserve, that you want. You can still be a Hunter but you can be this too. Besides we need a sexy lawyer type in Lawrence and I want to be married to him.” she insisted. “And you can come home to the sexy demon housewife. Cause I have no intention of getting a job. I’d snap and make my boss vomit worms for trying to tell me what to do It’d be messy, there’s no point. So you have to fund my life of luxury with your lawyerly ways. Look at least promise me you’ll think about it?” His use of the word deal so comfortably around her never failed to amuse her.

“Lets call it another promise.” she said laughing and moving to help Sam stand up. “And my pancakes will be amazing. Thank you.”

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-23 01:42 am UTC (link)

"I'm not saying don't feel bad for what you did," Sam said, leaning over a little to look at Ruby as best as he could without tearing his stitches apart. "I just don't think you should let that guilt lay waste to the rest of your life, you know? Look back and remember, feel sympathy for those that you killed, acknowledge that you made mistakes, but don't ever think that you don't deserve to live and have a life of your own now. You deserve to live. If you didn't think that, you wouldn't be here with me. We wouldn't be married. You'd have walked away or kept your head down when I vowed to kill you that day you told me the truth, remember? You wouldn't have fought back. You wouldn't have confirmed that you loving me was the only truth we had in all of that. If you thought you could keep living with me, if you thought that maybe you deserved a second chance, then you need to take it in every way possible. Don't do it half-assed."

Forgery was always a risk. Fraud. Pretending to be someone else. There was always a risk of it going wrong. Faking ID's and pretending to be someone that he wasn't was a lot easier when Sam didn't have to look back. He'd grab all the info he needed, interrogate a few people here and there, take care of the hunt, then push out of the picture before too many eyebrows were raised. Being in school, taking on an education, working hard to obtain some kind of recognizable role in the world - it was a lot more complicated. The second someone picked up on his lies, they'd cancel out everything that Sam had worked for. His education wouldn't matter. All that dedication and hard work would be thrown away and Sam would have to start over again or throw up his hands and admit that he'd thrown himself into something that had been a complete waste of his time.

Anyway, Sam didn't know what good it would do if the world was supposed to be ending. He certainly didn't think it'd be beneficial to him if they were running from Croatoan zombies in the next couple years or if he eventually did find a way to stop Lucifer. Especially not if stopping Lucifer, as Sam often wondered, would be the end of the line for him. One day he would have to right all his wrongs and maybe there'd be a cost.

A very big one.

"Look, I'll think about it, okay? I'm not making any promises here. If I come back and tell you that I don't want to, then that's it. I don't." He wasn't really going to think about it. Not much, anyway. Knowing Ruby, she wouldn't let up on him until he agreed to consider it, which meant that Sam would have to shrug it off for now. He didn't want to fight with or upset her. Emotionally, Sam couldn't take it right now. With the news of their not-plans for a future child being tossed out the window, Sam didn't think that Ruby could handle it right now either. It was better this way. "I'm honestly happy where I am," he added, "so if it's a no, I have you. I'll always have you, right? That's everything to me."

At her exclamation of guy love, Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head. "It sounds lame. There's no guy love. We're just guys. Who like to hang out. It's a friend thing. You have friends. There's no serious love there." Sam shot her a look, one that he played off as amusingly suspicious. "Or is there?" He reached out and took her hand, grimacing as various points of pain shot through his body with the lift out of bed. Sam took a small moment to settle himself, wrapping one of his arms over Ruby's small, but - fortunately - strong shoulders. "Right." Sam winced. No deals. Sometimes he forgot about the word usage when it came to her. But Sam didn't exactly see Ruby as just a demon, so maybe the forgetting was forgivable. "Promise is probably the better word anyway, 'cause now I can do this." Sam tilted his neck over, cut and bruised face leaving a kiss square on the side of Ruby's cheek.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-25 05:25 pm UTC (link)

She supposed that was true, or maybe it’d been selfishness, maybe she should have let him kill her that day, but she’d needed to see if there was a chance for them. If the reason she’d given up on her faith and her promises to Azazel would ever actually go anywhere, and it had. It had given her everything she could have imagined and more besides. “I fought back cause I needed to know. I had to know that you loved me back and then I couldn’t walk away, even the guilt I was starting to feel, even all that darkness, wasn’t enough that I was willing to give you up to pay for everything I did. I love you too much and maybe that’s selfish but that’s all it is. Is it enough to look back and feel bad? They wouldn’t think so, those people. I didn’t think about it like a second chance. I guess I didn’t think about it beyond being with you. And maybe I do feel like I don’t deserve happiness because of all that. It’s hard Sam”

Thinking about it meant no, meant he didn’t want to do it, meant he’d come up with a dozen reasons, each more sensible than the last as to why he couldn’t do it. And it made Ruby so sad that she couldn’t help him be what he wanted deep down. That there was no normal for them, bothered her more than anything else. And it seemed like the dream of it happening eventually was taking blow after blow. But she wasn’t gonna push him, there was no sense in that, he said he’d think about it and she’d try and convince him there was a way to do it. Maybe there was something someone could do. Maybe there was a way around it. She’d keep looking because he deserved to have a shot at his dream. She was already living hers.

“Okay, but you have to actually think about it and not just humor me, cause I know you, and I know this is what you do. But yes you’ll always have me. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes us I’ll always find my way back to you. That’s what’s important.” Ruby knew it was the best she was likely to get so she took it. It would do for now. And he said he was happy, but then part of her wondered if he’d say that to her anyway. “You have to promise me you’re actually happy just hunting, because I know your past, and I know how you work. So promise me you’re content and promise me you’ll think about it. That’s what I need from you.” Oh he was everything to her too, but there was nothing she wanted in life that she could have. She wasn’t like him, she didn’t have childhood dreams of aspiring to be better, or if she did, she didn’t remember them. He deserved to remember his.

Meanwhile though she’d just amuse herself by how traumatized he was by the guy love discussion. It was adorable. “Right right, my bad, just guys who like to hang out, that's all. That’s perfectly fair. Very manly and not becoming of guy love at all, and no no, I’m in no way planning to run away with Needy. Never happen.” she told him, all mock innocence and teasing. When she helped pull him to his feet she immediately steeled herself to help him walk, his arm wrapped around her, he was hunched over more cause of the height difference than anything else, maybe a taller vessel would have made more sense but she thought he liked her all little and petite. She’d grown too used to this body to give it up and it was holding out really well. When he promised and when he kissed her she tilted her head lifting on her toes to kiss him properly, there were no deals involved and she had no intention of making him do what she said with any other way than with her own personal charms.

“And now I can do this.” she told him when she finally broke the kiss. “Now downstairs. We’ll attempt pancakes and not burning the kitchen. It’ll be a bonding experience.”

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