InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Snape. Snape. Severus Snape."

Caitlin Snow/Killer Frost (frostandsnow) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2011-06-15 22:23:00

Entry tags:

ruby winchester, sam winchester

Who: Ruby & Sam Winchester
What: A letter arrives
Where: Their Bedroom
When: Early Morning
Rating: Probably low but TBD
Status: In Progress

Ruby heard the door, just a little noise, someone dropping a letter off and quickly finished making Sam's coffee before practicly running to the front hallway. There it was. Just an envelope, something so simple but she held on to it like it was the most precious thing in the world as soon as she'd put the coffee down and bent to pick it up. The puppy Sam had bought for her seemed just as eager to play with it as she was so she had to move him back just to get at the letter. The address was handwritten and she knew. This was it. And it was a hell of a time for it to arrive. Sam was still in bed, sleeping off the various injuries he'd gained, from where he wouldn't tell her but she knew it was more than just his fight with Dean. He was too badly hurt. She hadn't questioned when she'd found him. She'd just helped him to their bed, dressed his wounds. Made sure he was comfortable. It crossed her mind only once that her blood would heal him. It wasn't worth it. Especially for the sake of why they'd gone to find a doctor in the first place. It wouldn't do either of them any good to start down that road if in a hypothetical future they'd start trying for a kid. They hadn't had one in the future but then they hadn't had the animals either. They hadn't been so very domestic as they'd become. As domestic as a Hunter and his demon wife could be at any rate.

She turned the envelope over in her hands a few times not sure if she wanted to open it or not. Her gut told her it wasn't good news. If she could have had kids normally they'd really have been Brangelina by now. Hordes and hordes of kids. They had a lot of sex. Something would have happened by now. So in her heart she knew what the contents would say. The doctor had been kind if a little wary of her. Told her she'd done something amazing just by walking away from hell. He'd done tests. Sam had left the room when she'd needed to give blood, under much protest mind, he'd been calling in from the hall asking what was going on. Oh so protective. The Doctor had done what he needed to do and told her he'd have news in a few days.

And it seemed he did.

Ruby finally nodded, grabbed the coffee from where she'd left it on the table near the door, and moved toward the stairs quickly tracing the familiar path to the room she and Sam shared. The room was dark and the puppy bounded along behind her, but waited at the door. Fluffball was curled up on the pillow she had not long vacated. Ruby moved instead to sit at Sam's side of the bed waking her husband with a soft kiss and looking over the injuries to his face with a critical eye. He was stable still. He'd heal. He was strong. "Baby its here, the letter from the doc." she told him handing over the envelope and his coffee as soon as he was awake enough to take them. "I'm pretty sure its a no, I mean...it'd be impossible if I could and we hadn't yet but maybe there's something we can do. He said he'd look up some stuff, let us know. But if I can't I mean...thats okay isn't it. We said it wouldn't change anything..."

It wouldn't, she knew that. Sam loved her too much to let it change anything, and she was expecting not to be able to. But there was a small part of her. A tiny part of her that said maybe, maybe it was just coincidence that she hadn't gotten pregnant. Maybe she could and maybe someday... Nah there was no point. The puppy jumped at her legs seeming to sense the anticipation in the room and Ruby reached down to pet him, it didn't do much to take her mind off any of it.

"So...do we open it."

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-17 02:32 am UTC (link)

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you're pretty familiar with this story, right? I mean, you and your demon buddies were my biggest fangirls at the time, weren't you?" He nudged her shoulder playfully, hoping to brighten up her spirits a little in the process. "I spent the rest of my childhood dreaming up something big. Wishing for more, even though I knew I could never really have it. Back then, there wasn't really an escape. It was do what Dad said, that was the golden rule, no matter how often I imagined I'd turn on heel and run the other way and do whatever I damn well wanted to. So no, I don't think you're crazy. You got this idea of something really beautiful put into your head and now you think maybe one day you might want it. Being disappointed by the knowledge that you can't have it is perfectly fine. I know it's not exactly the same, 'cause I was a kid then and eventually I did get to go to college - for a little while, at least - but I don't think that you getting upset over having a potential option for your future torn out of the path you're walking on is a crime. It's understandable that you're upset right now, especially since you deserve to have ten million kids someday, if that's what you want."

Sam's expression softened. He reached over and tilted Ruby's chin upward, cupping her face in a hand while he dragged his thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear. "I'm so sorry you'll never be able to give birth to a child of your -" He paused, knowing that wasn't just what she wanted. "- our own. I'm sorry. Maybe everyone else'll have kids, maybe we'll have to sit by and watch as Dean and Jess and whoever else builds up a family of their own, kids and all. But you know what? You and me, we'll still have each other. We'll always have each other, okay? And while they're off having kids, we'll be the one's visiting and teaching them all kinds of crazy stuff and they'll call us their super cool Aunt Ruby and Uncle Sam. And hey, they won't be wrong. We are super cool."

Not the eggs thing again. "I'm not hungry. And I'm sitting up and there's nothing you can do about it. So those two things? Non-issues. I do think you need to hug me more, though, because I'm feeling sorely neglected in that department."

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frostandsnow
2011-06-18 08:56 pm UTC (link)

How could he completely turn her emotions just by hugging her. She didn’t understand it but she knew she’d never be capable of loving anyone else the way she loved Sam. He could make her feel better just by being there. And he was hurting and he still went out of his way to make her feel better, pulling her close to him so she would know he cared. And he told her it was okay, how she felt. Told her she was allowed to feel bad. Allowed to let it show. And she knew that, she was around him. She hated that she was being so irrational and, dare she say it.. girly about this. It shouldn’t have mattered to the demon that she couldn’t have a kid. It was probably better for the world that she and Sam never could. But that part of her, that little voice in her head saying Sam deserved better, deserved a wife that could give him some semblance of normalcy, it kept screaming at her that she was hurting him. He might not say it, he might not think it at all but she was. Because she was keeping him from having any semblance at all of a normal life. She was more than convinced Mary thought it too, and Dean, and everyone else that cared about Sam. And she knew it was probably ridiculous and that he’d yell at her for even considering thinking like that but there the thoughts were larger than life as usual. She knew how much Sam hated to see her upset, she felt the same when he was, and there was nothing she could say to make him better. But unlike her he didn’t deserve to feel like that. Or no, was that what he wanted her to stop doing. Putting herself down. Acting like she deserved every bad thing that came her way. But she did. 800 years of evil, surely she didn’t make up for that with a short time of being the good guy. He was always saying she deserved to be happy, and she was, she was happier than she’d ever been, this was just one more knock. And she was used to taking them.

And she was right, because then Sam said it, told her to stop putting herself down, and she couldn’t resist another soft kiss against his chest.

“I know. I was actually just thinking you’d say something like that...” she said amusement finding its way into her voice.
She knew he’d give her the world if she wanted it. But Ruby didn’t, had never wanted the world. The world could be for other people with more ambitions that live happily with the man she loved and be the best wife she could be. What else she wanted was simple, and impossible, and a ridiculous dream she had to give up before it had even really become anything stronger than a future potential maybe. When Sam started talking about his childhood though she smiled, she knew it well, the whole story. But hearing it from him? That was different. She hadn’t known the effect the teacher had had on him. One experience that they hadn’t tainted on him. And it seemed the guy had had an effect. They’d wanted Sam to be the perfect solider, and John was training him up good and proper. But someone had made him believe that he could be more than that, there was nothing wrong with that at all.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-18 11:06 pm UTC (link)

Ruby liked the guy, whoever he was. He’d given Sam hope for something better, at least for a little while. “Yeah I knew the story, but I didn’t know about him. That teacher, that wasn’t us. That wasn’t anything we’d planned for, sure we used Stanford, Azazel sent Brady out but you getting there, those hopes and dreams they were real. And sure, I had that whole dream. I wanted so badly for maybe someday us to be normal, with our normal life and family. But we can’t do it. Its not gonna happen. But I know you. You’d give me the world if you could and you’d do anything for me. So you’re gonna do something for me. You’re gonna go to school. Maybe not right away, and maybe only part time but I want you to. Because you deserve to. You study whatever the hell you want. But you do it. That way there’s something good we can do with ourselves. When all this is over you be something you wanna be and I’ll be the most awesome housewife ever. You can buy me things!”

All joking aside though, she was serious. She wanted this.

When he wiped her tears away she smiled softly, she would be the best Aunt in the world. “I can like, feed the kids fries and be a pain in the parent’s ass right? Like with Parker. You know he calls us Aunt Ruby and Uncle Sam. And it feels okay. I expected weird but...I don’t know, he’s a good kid, and we’re practically related what with the guy love you have with his Dad and all.” she added teasingly. She couldn’t help it, it never failed to amuse her, but when he told her she needed to hug him more she was more than happy to oblige, even if she was pretty sure it was a veiled ploy to avoid eggs cooked by her. She laughed curling into him more and slowly pulling him back into a lying position on the bed. “I really am getting better at eggs. The boiling of them anyway.” she said pulling his arms around her till she could entwine her hand in his. “All the same though, when we’re being cool Aunt and Uncle for those kids, You’re gonna want to do the cooking aren’t you”

This could be okay. She was disappointed yes, maybe she always would be. But she could get on with things. That’s what people did right, that was human. Fight through the disappointment. And he’d be there with her every step. She knew that too.

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-18 11:53 pm UTC (link)

"If you knew that I was gonna say that, then you must know I'm right," Sam pointed out, "you deserve so much more than you believe you do. It's not fair that you go around thinking that you don't, because you do." Sam thought that it was fair that he got to make that call for the both of them. If Ruby tried to say that her victims wouldn't agree, he'd be real quick to say that he had been one of her victims at one point, too, and that he believed more than anything else that Ruby deserved her shot at happiness in every way possible. It didn't matter that he held an extremely biased opinion on the matter, Sam was pretty sure that anyone around here would say the same if Ruby asked them. She was a person. A good person with a bad history, that was all. She couldn't keep living in a world where she kept punishing herself for things that were buried deep down into her past. She was trying, every day, to better herself and Sam thought that was more than good enough. For every life she didn't go around destroying, she was making a difference. She was one less bad demon in the world, fighting against the very creatures she used to be. And she did a damn good job at it, as far as Sam was concerned. "Promise me you'll stop beating yourself up about this, Ruby. Promise me you'll start thinking more of yourself, 'cause I can't stand to see you put yourself down the way that you do. You don't deserve it."

He only realized, then, that he was being something of a hypocrite. Fortunately, he wasn't the subject of the conversation, so his hypocrisy didn't exactly linger in the limelight. Sam didn't want it to. This was about Ruby and her issues, which were a lot more alarming to him than his own.

Okay, maybe there was an unfortunate part to this conversation. Ruby was bringing up school. Sam had hoped to use that for an example, not something that Ruby genuinely wanted to talk to Sam about. He didn't even think she ever really thought about him going back before, but here she was, insisting that he promise her he'd go. Sam shifted a little and shook his head, immediately disagreeing with the suggestion. "I can't. I'm legally dead. My name won't go through the system without ringing a hell of a lot of bells and then it'd just be the FBI chasing me and Dean and you down all over again. It'd get messy and we don't need anything to be more messy than it already is." He shrugged. Or tried to shrug as much as he could with a stabbed shoulder, which didn't go over all that well. Suppressing another wince, Sam tightened his hold on Ruby with his good arm and shook his head again. "I can't. Anyway, school isn't for me, Brady and Jess proved that, right? I'm just - I'm a hunter now. And I'm okay with that. I've settled, you know?"

Sam felt Ruby pulling him back, fighting his stubborn insistence to sit upright and be all supportive and comforting in a position that didn't make his entire body ache in protest, and Sam found that he wouldn't have been able to fight the gesture off even if he had tried. She was strong. His back hit the pillows propped up behind him and Sam felt his body loosening up. Relaxing. It was good. "Hey, it's not guy love, it's - we're just good friends, okay?" Sam made a face. "Don't call it guy love." Sam was pretty sure that Booth would be on his side on this one. Guy love sounded...less awkward that he was married, but still pretty awkward. Sort of.

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-18 11:57 pm UTC (link)

"Uh, yeah," Sam agreed, "all the cooking is gonna be handled by me, sorry." Sam paused. "I mean, good job on the eggs? Go, Ruby, go?" Sam grinned at her, hands smoothing over her own gently. She didn't seem to be crying anymore, which was good. He was doing something right here. "Look, we can be as normal as we want to be, okay? We'll be our level of normal. No kids, kids - it doesn't matter. And, hey, if you're really looking to fulfill this adorable idea that you've gotta be the stereotype housewife - which, by the way, you don't need to do at all, because I find the idea of a crazy demon wife so much more sexy - gimme a couple minutes to rest up and finish my coffee here. Then help me get down to the kitchen, because I'm pretty sure that staircase is going to royally kick my ass. I'll let you cook your eggs and I'll show you how to fry up a couple pancakes. Deal?"

If nothing else, sitting back and watching Ruby try to successfully make pancakes would make for a good laugh.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-21 05:32 pm UTC (link)

There it was. The man she loved was doing what he did best and raising her confidence just by talking to her, talking her through her crazy and making sure she knew exactly what he thought every time she did this to herself. Every time she put herself down like that. And she knew it hurt him but sometimes she didn’t see how she was allowed to get this lucky. It wasn’t fair to all the people she’d hurt and killed and twisted enough to send them screaming to hell, countless thousands that had every right to wish her nothing but misery and here she was happily married and deeply in love. “I know how you think, that's not the same thing all the time Sam.” she said softly, no she didn’t really want to debate this but here they were all the same. He wanted her to stop beating herself up over her past, thinking more of herself. And Ruby hated to make him feel bad. He hurt when she did it but it was almost instinctive in her mind. “I’m not trying to make you upset, I just know my past better than you do. There are thousands of people that would have lived perfectly happy lives without me. People that for whatever reason Azazel sent me after. And I never asked why, never cared. I just did it, killed, seduced, sent screaming into death. And you want me to stop feeling guilty about it. I thought feeling guilty was what I had to do because if I didn’t then how am I supposed to be better than before?” She wasn’t thinking about it every second of every day but when something bad happened why could she not wonder that it was her fault. That she paid for her many many sins. “I’m not sure I can promise you that. I’m not sure I know how?”

The school thing he was throwing arguments at her about, sensible ones in some ways yeah. He was legally dead. But he was also Sam Winchester. “Forge transcripts, are you saying you or someone here can’t do it? Do a correspondence course if it comes to that. But do something. I know you’re fine being a Hunter now but you still have your dreams. Somewhere in there. And I want you to work toward them, even slowly, even part time, even if it takes you six years. I want you to be doing something. I don’t want to keep you at this place where we are. No kids no career, just existing, that's not fair to you baby and I’m not gonna let you just settle. You don’t deserve to settle you deserve to have everything you want.”

They settled into a comfortable position as he seemed further traumatised by her mocking of the guy love. It was a little bit adorable. He was a little bit adorable. It helped. “What’s wrong with guy love!” she teased making sure he was in as comfortable a position as possible from the injuries he wouldn’t tell her the reason for. It hadn’t all been Dean but she wasn’t about to push him. Not yet. He’d tell her when he was good and ready. Or she’d eventually get impatient and demand to be told. That was of course always a possibility.

“The eggs will be fine. This time they stayed together when I cracked them after boiling. I might attempt scrambling or poaching them next time round.” His hands met hers and she smiled softly tilting her head just enough so their eyes locked. “The kids thing, I’ll get over, but only if you help by actually doing all you can to have some kind of career that you deserve, that you want. You can still be a Hunter but you can be this too. Besides we need a sexy lawyer type in Lawrence and I want to be married to him.” she insisted. “And you can come home to the sexy demon housewife. Cause I have no intention of getting a job. I’d snap and make my boss vomit worms for trying to tell me what to do It’d be messy, there’s no point. So you have to fund my life of luxury with your lawyerly ways. Look at least promise me you’ll think about it?” His use of the word deal so comfortably around her never failed to amuse her.

“Lets call it another promise.” she said laughing and moving to help Sam stand up. “And my pancakes will be amazing. Thank you.”

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ex_demonbloo908
2011-06-23 01:42 am UTC (link)

"I'm not saying don't feel bad for what you did," Sam said, leaning over a little to look at Ruby as best as he could without tearing his stitches apart. "I just don't think you should let that guilt lay waste to the rest of your life, you know? Look back and remember, feel sympathy for those that you killed, acknowledge that you made mistakes, but don't ever think that you don't deserve to live and have a life of your own now. You deserve to live. If you didn't think that, you wouldn't be here with me. We wouldn't be married. You'd have walked away or kept your head down when I vowed to kill you that day you told me the truth, remember? You wouldn't have fought back. You wouldn't have confirmed that you loving me was the only truth we had in all of that. If you thought you could keep living with me, if you thought that maybe you deserved a second chance, then you need to take it in every way possible. Don't do it half-assed."

Forgery was always a risk. Fraud. Pretending to be someone else. There was always a risk of it going wrong. Faking ID's and pretending to be someone that he wasn't was a lot easier when Sam didn't have to look back. He'd grab all the info he needed, interrogate a few people here and there, take care of the hunt, then push out of the picture before too many eyebrows were raised. Being in school, taking on an education, working hard to obtain some kind of recognizable role in the world - it was a lot more complicated. The second someone picked up on his lies, they'd cancel out everything that Sam had worked for. His education wouldn't matter. All that dedication and hard work would be thrown away and Sam would have to start over again or throw up his hands and admit that he'd thrown himself into something that had been a complete waste of his time.

Anyway, Sam didn't know what good it would do if the world was supposed to be ending. He certainly didn't think it'd be beneficial to him if they were running from Croatoan zombies in the next couple years or if he eventually did find a way to stop Lucifer. Especially not if stopping Lucifer, as Sam often wondered, would be the end of the line for him. One day he would have to right all his wrongs and maybe there'd be a cost.

A very big one.

"Look, I'll think about it, okay? I'm not making any promises here. If I come back and tell you that I don't want to, then that's it. I don't." He wasn't really going to think about it. Not much, anyway. Knowing Ruby, she wouldn't let up on him until he agreed to consider it, which meant that Sam would have to shrug it off for now. He didn't want to fight with or upset her. Emotionally, Sam couldn't take it right now. With the news of their not-plans for a future child being tossed out the window, Sam didn't think that Ruby could handle it right now either. It was better this way. "I'm honestly happy where I am," he added, "so if it's a no, I have you. I'll always have you, right? That's everything to me."

At her exclamation of guy love, Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head. "It sounds lame. There's no guy love. We're just guys. Who like to hang out. It's a friend thing. You have friends. There's no serious love there." Sam shot her a look, one that he played off as amusingly suspicious. "Or is there?" He reached out and took her hand, grimacing as various points of pain shot through his body with the lift out of bed. Sam took a small moment to settle himself, wrapping one of his arms over Ruby's small, but - fortunately - strong shoulders. "Right." Sam winced. No deals. Sometimes he forgot about the word usage when it came to her. But Sam didn't exactly see Ruby as just a demon, so maybe the forgetting was forgivable. "Promise is probably the better word anyway, 'cause now I can do this." Sam tilted his neck over, cut and bruised face leaving a kiss square on the side of Ruby's cheek.

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frostandsnow
2011-06-25 05:25 pm UTC (link)

She supposed that was true, or maybe it’d been selfishness, maybe she should have let him kill her that day, but she’d needed to see if there was a chance for them. If the reason she’d given up on her faith and her promises to Azazel would ever actually go anywhere, and it had. It had given her everything she could have imagined and more besides. “I fought back cause I needed to know. I had to know that you loved me back and then I couldn’t walk away, even the guilt I was starting to feel, even all that darkness, wasn’t enough that I was willing to give you up to pay for everything I did. I love you too much and maybe that’s selfish but that’s all it is. Is it enough to look back and feel bad? They wouldn’t think so, those people. I didn’t think about it like a second chance. I guess I didn’t think about it beyond being with you. And maybe I do feel like I don’t deserve happiness because of all that. It’s hard Sam”

Thinking about it meant no, meant he didn’t want to do it, meant he’d come up with a dozen reasons, each more sensible than the last as to why he couldn’t do it. And it made Ruby so sad that she couldn’t help him be what he wanted deep down. That there was no normal for them, bothered her more than anything else. And it seemed like the dream of it happening eventually was taking blow after blow. But she wasn’t gonna push him, there was no sense in that, he said he’d think about it and she’d try and convince him there was a way to do it. Maybe there was something someone could do. Maybe there was a way around it. She’d keep looking because he deserved to have a shot at his dream. She was already living hers.

“Okay, but you have to actually think about it and not just humor me, cause I know you, and I know this is what you do. But yes you’ll always have me. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes us I’ll always find my way back to you. That’s what’s important.” Ruby knew it was the best she was likely to get so she took it. It would do for now. And he said he was happy, but then part of her wondered if he’d say that to her anyway. “You have to promise me you’re actually happy just hunting, because I know your past, and I know how you work. So promise me you’re content and promise me you’ll think about it. That’s what I need from you.” Oh he was everything to her too, but there was nothing she wanted in life that she could have. She wasn’t like him, she didn’t have childhood dreams of aspiring to be better, or if she did, she didn’t remember them. He deserved to remember his.

Meanwhile though she’d just amuse herself by how traumatized he was by the guy love discussion. It was adorable. “Right right, my bad, just guys who like to hang out, that's all. That’s perfectly fair. Very manly and not becoming of guy love at all, and no no, I’m in no way planning to run away with Needy. Never happen.” she told him, all mock innocence and teasing. When she helped pull him to his feet she immediately steeled herself to help him walk, his arm wrapped around her, he was hunched over more cause of the height difference than anything else, maybe a taller vessel would have made more sense but she thought he liked her all little and petite. She’d grown too used to this body to give it up and it was holding out really well. When he promised and when he kissed her she tilted her head lifting on her toes to kiss him properly, there were no deals involved and she had no intention of making him do what she said with any other way than with her own personal charms.

“And now I can do this.” she told him when she finally broke the kiss. “Now downstairs. We’ll attempt pancakes and not burning the kitchen. It’ll be a bonding experience.”

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