How could he completely turn her emotions just by hugging her. She didn’t understand it but she knew she’d never be capable of loving anyone else the way she loved Sam. He could make her feel better just by being there. And he was hurting and he still went out of his way to make her feel better, pulling her close to him so she would know he cared. And he told her it was okay, how she felt. Told her she was allowed to feel bad. Allowed to let it show. And she knew that, she was around him. She hated that she was being so irrational and, dare she say it.. girly about this. It shouldn’t have mattered to the demon that she couldn’t have a kid. It was probably better for the world that she and Sam never could. But that part of her, that little voice in her head saying Sam deserved better, deserved a wife that could give him some semblance of normalcy, it kept screaming at her that she was hurting him. He might not say it, he might not think it at all but she was. Because she was keeping him from having any semblance at all of a normal life. She was more than convinced Mary thought it too, and Dean, and everyone else that cared about Sam. And she knew it was probably ridiculous and that he’d yell at her for even considering thinking like that but there the thoughts were larger than life as usual. She knew how much Sam hated to see her upset, she felt the same when he was, and there was nothing she could say to make him better. But unlike her he didn’t deserve to feel like that. Or no, was that what he wanted her to stop doing. Putting herself down. Acting like she deserved every bad thing that came her way. But she did. 800 years of evil, surely she didn’t make up for that with a short time of being the good guy. He was always saying she deserved to be happy, and she was, she was happier than she’d ever been, this was just one more knock. And she was used to taking them.
And she was right, because then Sam said it, told her to stop putting herself down, and she couldn’t resist another soft kiss against his chest.
“I know. I was actually just thinking you’d say something like that...” she said amusement finding its way into her voice. She knew he’d give her the world if she wanted it. But Ruby didn’t, had never wanted the world. The world could be for other people with more ambitions that live happily with the man she loved and be the best wife she could be. What else she wanted was simple, and impossible, and a ridiculous dream she had to give up before it had even really become anything stronger than a future potential maybe. When Sam started talking about his childhood though she smiled, she knew it well, the whole story. But hearing it from him? That was different. She hadn’t known the effect the teacher had had on him. One experience that they hadn’t tainted on him. And it seemed the guy had had an effect. They’d wanted Sam to be the perfect solider, and John was training him up good and proper. But someone had made him believe that he could be more than that, there was nothing wrong with that at all.