Yeah she was upset. More than she wanted to let on, least of all to her husband. And it was stupid. She didn't want kids. But having that option taken away from her entirely, it hurt more than she could put into words. Cause someday she could have changed her mind, her and Sam both, ad they'd have worked out a way for it to happen. A little kid running around the grass outside, playing, calling for them to watch and whatever kids did. They could have made life, like most other people could and maybe in some small measure it would make up for all the horrible things she'd done in her long existence. And irrationally it only made her resent Jo all the more. Jo and her stupid bauble baby and the baby she'd already been carrying. How did someone that didn't even want kids until last year get that lucky. Someone that was treating them like a burden. Someone that cliff dived in her first trimester for god sake. ...Yeah, God. Clearly it was his fault. But she wasn't gonna lie to Sam now, tell him it was all okay when it wasn't. He deserved better than that from her. So she waited until he'd sat up, wincing in sympathy at how hard it had to have been for him. And when he did she rested her head as lightly as she could against his chest, sliding in to sit closer to him. She wasn't gonna tell him it was all okay. But it wasn't.
"I'm not...I mean I don't want kids. I just hate that I can't now. Not ever. I hate that that decision isn't ours and I hate people that don't even care just being able to." she sighed. "I know, I'm a demon. I shouldn't expect the world to turn around and be good to me. I don't deserve that. I'm a monster inside and I shouldn't be able to be a Mom, and now that I can't I wonder how I could have thought for a second I ever could. But I feel like...I know you don't want them now, neither do I, not for years yet. But is that how it'll be in ten years. When you're nearly 40 and don't have anyone to pass on the name to? Who knows maybe Dean would by then, maybe Jess'll meet someone, there'll be kids running around Lawrence but none that are ours. And we can't even do any fertility treatment, we can't even adopt cause well, you're legally dead and I'm a demon with no official identity. I feel like I failed and thats what tears me up inside."
More babbling seemed like the thing to do but she didn't expect the tears. Stupid trecherous tears that she didn't let out around anyone but Sam. And she sat there in his arms, just letting the hurt of it all out.
"I'm not trying to be normal or whatever. We had that talk. I'm just annoyed, and its stupid and I shouldn't let it get to me, but here it is getting to me." Ruby's hand wrapped around her husbands waist softly as the other wiped her eyes. She wasn't going to let this break her. It just hurt. And Sam knew what to say and what to do. Sometimes she figured she just needed to babble. Sometimes it was easier just to let out what she thought because then he could tell her if it was irrational and crazy or if it made sense. It was how things worked for her cause she knew sometimes she could be more than a little crazy. But it seemed he liked her that way. "Is it crazy? Thinking like this? Feeling bad for something I might never even care about. It seems like its crazy." she asked. She felt bad sometimes, the levels of crazy she put him through.
"I really should think about those eggs you know." she finally mused. "And you, you shouldn't even be sitting up."