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author: vamphile, challenge #46: e.e.cummings, epic series: hustler!j/whore in a hoody

Whore In A Hoody
Title: Hustler!Justin LIII (Whore in a Hoody)
Author: Vamphile
Condoms: 12 To Justin 7 To Brian

|Hustler!Justin | II | III | IV| V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI | XVII | XVIII | XIX | XX | XXI | XXII | XXIII | XXIV | XXV | XXVI | XXVII | XXVIII | XXIX | XXX | XXXI | XXXII | XXXIII | XXXIV | XXXV | XXXVI | XXXVII | XXXVIII | XXXIX | XL | XLI | XLII | XLIII | XLIV | XLV | XLVI | XLVII | XLVIII | XLIX | L | LI | LII |

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Hustler Justin LIII
Whore In A Hoody

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Brian gets jealous. It’s a good thing to know. I caught a glimpse of the guy he was in the backroom with. My heart sank a little. He likes men. Tall, dark haired, broad shouldered men. I can’t compete with that. But now he’s dancing with me, and telling me he doesn’t want me to dance with anyone else. Maybe I’m closer than I think.

He buys me several more shots and I guess I’m a little drunk when we get back to Debbie’s. I lean in to kiss him but he pushes me away, “find someone your own age.”


~~~611~~~
After I make sure he’s safely inside, I sit and bang my head against the steering wheel. He and I are going to have to have a talk. I know it’s selfish but I don’t want to do it until he’s back at Southwood. I don’t know how he’ll react. I see Debbie staring at me from around the curtains. I head back to the loft. When I’m inside I realize that I was too busy watching Justin to get drunk enough for me to fall asleep. I start working on the new women’s athletic wear campaign for Brown Athletics.


~~~612~~~
With the bedroom door closed I curl up under the blankets, letting my head start to buzz. I hear Debbie moving behind me.

“What’d he do?”

“He didn’t do anything.”

“You can’t pin your dreams on Brian, Sunshine. You’ll be waiting your whole life for nothing.”

“He’s not nothing.”

She pats my cheek. “He’s somthin’ alright but he’s not what you need. I’ve seen people wait almost too long before they realize that.”

“Michael?”

She nods.

“He loves Michael.”

She nods again. “Not how you want Brian to love you.”

I turn my back to her. “I’m tired.”

She leaves.

~~~613~~~
At eight I pack up my computer and head over to get Justin. He’s picking at his bacon. It doesn’t look like he’s touched his eggs. “Hey.”

He looks up and smiles. “Hey.”

Debbie's glaring at me.

“Deb, coffee?”

“This isn’t the fucking diner.”

Shit, what did I do now?

Justin stands up. “Ready?”

I’m surprised. I figured he’d be a little less enthusiastic.

Debbie grabs my arm once Justin’s headed towards the car. “That kid is in love with you.”

I don’t respond.

“He’s had enough people hurt him.”

I walk away. She doesn’t know the half of it.


~~~614~~~
We’re halfway there before Brian says anything. “Justin, you know I can’t be your…boyfriend.” He seems to have trouble even saying the word.

“I don’t see why not.”

“I know you don’t.”

“It’s not illegal you know. I asked Peter.”

“I didn’t say it was a legal issue.”

“You said there was a law against…” I stop. Mentioning Isaac never make him happy.

“That was different.”

“So you just don’t want me?”

He lights a cigarette and doesn’t say anything else for a long time.

“It doesn’t matter what I want. You don’t know what you want.”

He’s so frustrating.


~~~615~~~
“Brian, what I want hasn’t changed.”

“It will.”

“It won’t.”

“It will Justin, you’re seventeen.”

“I’ll be eighteen soon.”

“I’m too… you’re too… Justin…” I take a deep breath and he’s starting to really cry. I pull into the main parking lot and we just sit for a minute. “Justin. It would be wrong. I’d be taking advantage of you. There’re a lot of people who will love you. Who can love you, the way you deserve.”

“So you do love me.”

I can’t fucking win.

“Justin. Love doesn’t…” I can’t do this, he… fuck. “Justin, I can’t love you.”


~~~616~~~
I don’t understand what he’s saying. I know he doesn’t love me, yet. What does he mean he can’t? If there’s no legal reason… then I realize what he’s saying.

My heart breaks. I actually feel it, and I get out of the car grabbing my duffle bag and heading towards the front lobby. I need to get away from him. I need… he’s standing in front of me. Blocking my path. “Justin.”

I can’t look at him.

“Justin.”

I push him aside run. He can’t love me. He knows what I am, what I’ve done. He can’t love that.

~~~617~~~
By the time I’m at the front entrance they’re leading him back to the adolescent unit. Once I’m back at KinnetiK I take the messages from Cynthia and grit my teeth. Until the construction’s further along we’re all working out of the single functioning room. I announce I’ll be working at the loft for the rest of the day. I consider stopping in to talk to Debbie but fuck her. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. At seven I turn change and go to Woody’s. I’m on my third drink when Peter walks in. My stomach lurches. “Is he okay?”


~~~618~~~
They search my duffle bag and don’t even look at me. I can’t stop crying. No one says a word and it’s probably for the best. I stay in my room the rest of the day, completely ignoring the clipboards occasional attempts to get me to stop “isolating”. At five I consider going up front but then I remember what Brian said. I’m not sure I’d want to see him if he did come but I’m pretty sure he won’t be here.

At six they make me eat something. Brian’s really not coming.

By seven it’s all just white noise.


~~~619~~~
“What are you doing here?”

I down another shot. “Use your imagination.”

“You made Justin a promise.”

I drink my beer and refuse to look at him. He leaves.

Michael seems surprised to see me. “Shouldn’t you be visiting Justin?”

I lean on him heavily, drunker than I realized. “Justin’s got an entire hospital to take care of him.” I scan the crowd looking for prey. “I’m looking for someone to take care of me.”

Michael wraps an arm around my waist. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I smile at someone but Michael’s steering me out of Woody's.


~~~620~~~
A clipboard brings me my meds and then sits on the bed across from mine. The one that’s always been empty. I turn away from him. They always try to chat, to get me to tell them how I feel. Stupid motherfuckers. I don’t want to feel… and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t leave. Twenty minutes they usually have somewhere to be.

“You’re back on a 1 to 1 tonight.”

Great, now I can’t even pee without being watched. I close my eyes and ignore the tears. They mean nothing. I mean nothing.


~~~621~~~
Michael’s pulling my shoes off.

“I should have told him.”

“Told him what.”

“The real reason.”

He removes my jeans and drapes the duvet over me. “But then you wouldn’t be you.”

I knew Michael would understand. “Exactly”

He turns out the light. “And of course the world can’t live without Brian Kinney.”

I grab his arm as he turns to leave.

He gives me a peck on the lips. “I’m not going to make you feel less pathetic by being more pathetic.”

I try to glare but I can’t focus. I tell him to fuck off, and he does.


~~~622~~~
I’m kind of amazed how quickly I get used to things. I got used to being on the street, and then Brian, and then being in here, and now I’m used to being in here without seeing Brian. He hasn’t come in ten days. At first I missed him. Last week I asked Peter about him almost every day but he changed the subject back to me. Now I don’t talk about him. I try not to think about him. That only works when I disappear, but that’s okay. There’s no one to yell at me for doing that now.


~~~623~~~
Life is easier this way. I assure myself of that, as I drive past Woody's and head to the baths.

Okay, Debbie’s not speaking to me. Michael glares at me if I show up anywhere before nine, as though not visiting Justin is some sort of personal betrayal. Lindsay told me I’m being “unbearably selfish”.

I take a quick hit off my hand and let close my eyes against the burn in the back of my throat. The world gets more sharply defined and I know I’m right. This is better. Justin's better off without people like me confusing him.


~~~624~~~
Peter's here early today. He tells me that tomorrow they’re going to run some tests. I nod. Having blood drawn doesn’t bother me. He starts explaining that they’re easy and just a bunch of questions. I shrug. Sounds simple enough.

“Justin, you have to be there for these.”

I look up. He’s won’t let me drop my gaze. “Fully present. Like you are with me.”

“Will you be there?”

He shakes his head. “It’ll take most of the day tomorrow so I may not be able to see you at all.”

I panic but I don’t let Peter see that.


~~~625~~~
I write Peter his monthly payment, and decide I should take it to him personally. He’s standing at the door in jeans, with a drink in his hand. “You could have mailed that.”

I turn to leave.

“Brian.”

I turn back.

“He misses you, and no, he’s not okay. He’s gone most of the time. Scared, and sad. What the fuck happened?”

I shrug. “I like him.”

Peter laughs but it’s mirthless. “That’s an excellent reason to sever all ties.”

“It was confusing us both.”

He gestures for me to come in. when I do, he pours me a drink.

~~~626~~~
Fuck Peter. Fuck Brian. Fuck the clipboards and the stupid women who keep asking me to draw them a picture or tell them how far it is from New York to California. I zone out after they ask me to play with blocks. I’m not a fucking infant. I thought the goal was to stop being treated like one.

I answer them with a yes or no as often as possible. They show me pictures and ask me to tell them what’s happening. I make up a story; how the fuck should I know what’s happening? I don’t know anything.


~~~627~~~
Peter's standing in front of my desk. He’s never been to the KinnetiK offices before and I ignore his anger and my fear. He tosses a sheaf of papers at me.

“The kid’s a fucking moron. And a genius.”

“Huh?” I know, brilliant.

“We ran the standard tests on him, personality, IQ, the WISC and WIPSII…”

“We knew he was a fucking mess.”

“Brian. He’s smart. He can’t hide that. But he’s too detached to answer anything completely. They’re going to keep Justin in the system as an adult if we don’t re-test him.”

“Re-test him.”

“While he’s mentally present.”


~~~628~~~
Walking down the corridor, I stick close to the wall, avoiding everyone. When I turn there’s a clipboard pointing in the opposite direction.

Brian’s here in faded jeans. I turn away but he takes a step forward and then his warm scent is overpowering and his finger on my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes brings tears to mine. I wrap my arms around him and lean my face against his chest. “Where the fuck have you been?”

He kisses the top of my head. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“I’ve been right here.”

“Justin, I’m sorry.”

Cont...