He presses his body against mine, kissing me. I hope that my touching the cut on his back has nothing to do with his sudden amorous mood. Then most thoughts skitter out of my head as his hands unbutton my jeans. I tug at his sweatpants, which are actually my sweatpants and wonder if he owns any clothes other than his jeans. But that’s actual thinking, so I save it for later and just revel in the feel of his warm body pressed against mine.
I was worried that it would never be this easy again. With him, it is.
~~~202~~~ He’s taller than I am, (most men are), but the way he touches me, the way he bends his knees so our bodies are even. The way he kisses me… it makes me feel safe. His hands practically span my back when they’re pulling me to him. I should be worried. I know how much damage hands that big can do, but I’m not. I melt against his body and as he wraps an arm around the small of my back and lifts me, practically carrying me to bed, I don’t feel small or overpowered. How does he do that?
~~~203~~~ He looks up at me while his eyes are dark with desire and he’s smiling. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually seen him smile in bed before. I want to fuck him, but I need him to feel safe. He opens his arms, beckoning me. I fall on top of him. Holding my weight off of him with my arms, kissing his face, his neck, his jaw. He wraps his legs around my waist. “Fuck me.” I pull back. I need to see his expression. He’s determined, and desperate. I reach for the condoms and lube. He shakes his head.
~~~204~~~ I owe him a lot. I want to give him something that he can’t get on the street, at least not safely. He reaches for the condom and I reach for his hand. Shaking my head. “You don’t have to.”
His body was hot against my skin. Now it’s gone. He’s standing up, his erection fading. “What the fuck?”
He’s angry. What the fuck indeed.
“It’s okay. You can ride me bareback.”
That alien thing again. I really hate that. He’s shaking his head. “I thought you understood this.”
“I do. I never let anyone… but… don’t you want to?”
~~~205~~~ Want to? Yes. Will I? Never. He owes me a lot? For some furniture and a couple of orders of takeout? That’s what his life is worth? I stare at him and wonder how he survived this long.
“What would Isaac say?”
He turns away from me and I barely hear him mumble. “Isaac’s gone.”
I figured that much myself. “Where is he?”
He shrugs and we’re back to him refusing to make eye contact. “He’s just gone.”
“You lived with him.” I lay next to him so we’re face to face. “Justin. Tell me, what really happened?” He’s crying.
~~~206~~~ “I had an overnight client. When I came home the locks were changed and the landlord said he took off.”
I close my eyes. I can’t look at him. I try to turn away but his hand on my shoulder stops me. “When?”
“And you’ve been on the streets since then?”
“Yeah. The landlord let me in. I had a duffle bag full of stuff but only a couple hundred dollars and no phone numbers.”
“Why didn’t you go to a shelter or…”
I roll my eyes at him and he rolls his bottom lip into his mouth.
~~~207~~~ I have those same million questions, and he’s answering them and every answer makes me want to kill someone.
“The landlord offered to rent me a one bedroom but I didn’t have the rent. I figured I’d get it in a couple of days and come back. I never quite got the money together.”
“But you have it now.”
“Yeah but he doesn’t have anything available anymore… plus I don’t have my client’s numbers. Isaac took them. He took everything. The movers came as soon as I left. That’s what the landlord told me.”
“Where is your father?” He flinches.
~~~208~~~ “He’s dead.”
“They’re All dead.” It’s a lie but he doesn’t know that. I hated my father at fourteen. I loved Isaac. I ran away… I never really thought it would stick but he never came looking. He didn’t want me back. And life with Isaac was good. Isaac loved me. He wanted me. He had time for me.
Part of me knows that Isaac didn’t mean to leave me like this. But there’s a growing part that thinks maybe he was one of those guys who thought I was cute as a kitten…but didn’t want a full-grown cat.