Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Te amo."

Faith Lehane (secondxbest) wrote in makebelievenet,
@ 2013-03-23 00:01:00

Entry tags:

anakin skywalker, buffy summers, clint barton, duncan (total drama), faith lehane, james rogers, nyota uhura, tony stark

Fuck.
Shit.
Damn.
Ugh...

Some days are better than others. The second time around isn't getting any easier. The process seems harder for some reason. Like it's getting dragged out. Punishing me for taking the steps back.

Is there an anti-drug for this? Anyone know if I can get some morphine for this?

Fuck.
Those Reavers.
I shouldn't have gotten so

Damn it!

I need a distraction. Someone give me a distraction. Distract me goddammit!

(Post a new comment)

	nyota_uhura 2013-03-23 04:29 am UTC (link)
	Reavers? What process is harder? (Reply to this) (Thread)

secondxbest
2013-03-23 04:39 am UTC (link)

Ugh. Neub. I don't have the patience right now.

But fine. Long story short? Reavers invaded before you showed up. Alien, chemically insane humans who eat, rape, and kill others; and blah, blah, blah. You don't have to worry about them anymore. They're gone. I helped fight them, but I...fuck. I enjoyed it. It felt so good. To fight and kill them. It was exciting. I felt so alive. I haven't felt that way in a while.

Damn. I need more cigs.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	nyota_uhura 2013-03-23 04:41 am UTC (link)
	So the process of coming down from adrenaline and being used to a rush is harder, or the process of backing away from fighting and killing? Or is there another detail bothering you? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 04:43 am UTC (link)
	I wish it was adrenaline. Who the hell are you, anyway? And why are you so interested in my addictions? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

nyota_uhura, 2013-03-23 04:46 am UTC

secondxbest, 2013-03-23 04:48 am UTC

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	jupiterdrops 2013-03-23 04:49 am UTC (link)
	Faith. Calm down, for one thing. Next, talk to me. You're in more control than you think, that's a good thing. Okay? You can do this. (Reply to this) (Thread)

secondxbest
2013-03-23 04:55 am UTC (link)

Easier said than done, B. I'm sweating buckets over here and I have a fucking migraine. My brain feels like it's clawing at my skull to get out.

It hurts. I liked it to much. I thought I could just jump right back into the slaying gig. A cannonball in the deep end again. But I'm not a leader like you. I got someone killed. And I apparently wasn't as far along as I thought. I enjoyed it too much. God, I loved it. It felt good. I wanted it. I thrived in it. I got off on it.

I don't trust myself right now.

Some days have been easier. But I just have this itch. Since the Reavers left I just. I think these things that...God, B. Today's a bad day.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jupiterdrops
2013-03-23 05:05 am UTC (link)

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you--~~Don't second guess yourself now. She doesn't need that.~~ You didn't get anyone killed, Faith. I've gotten people killed. A lot of people. Young girls that shouldn't have been out there fighting, but they had no choice. Neither did we. We were the choice.

I get to live with that, but you don't. Nobody's dead here on your watch.

It's gonna be okay. I'll come over, alright? I'll help you ride it out. I know you can do this.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

secondxbest
2013-03-23 05:14 am UTC (link)

You wouldn't have been able to stop me from fighting. I just need to learn to not fight the way I used to. Not...to not love it the way I did. How can you just do it because you have to? How can you not enjoy it like this? How do you not get high of it?

Young girls? This part of the future stuff you've mentioned?

No. Don't come over. You of all people should know how I get when I'm like this. It's not safe.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jupiterdrops, 2013-03-23 12:52 pm UTC

secondxbest, 2013-03-23 06:38 pm UTC

jupiterdrops, 2013-03-24 11:21 am UTC

secondxbest, 2013-03-25 02:26 am UTC

jupiterdrops, 2013-03-25 01:52 pm UTC

	the_delinquent 2013-03-23 04:52 am UTC (link)
	You okay, Duchess? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 04:57 am UTC (link)
	Talk to me Shaggy. I don't fucking care about what. Just talk to me right now. Distract me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	the_delinquent 2013-03-23 05:08 am UTC (link)
	Alright. About a year before I arrived here I was in a band in London called Der Schnitzel Kickers. I was on the lam from my contractual obligations. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 05:15 am UTC (link)
	Der shitty knickers? Watch it. You're speaking in tongues again. Were you any good? And I thought you said you already won the show. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

the_delinquent, 2013-03-23 05:21 am UTC

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secondxbest, 2013-03-25 02:23 am UTC

	avenging_son 2013-03-23 04:57 am UTC (link)
	I wish I could forget about the Reavers and everything that happened. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 05:01 am UTC (link)
	I don't want to forget. I want to get better. I want to be able to fight again without falling into old habits. There has to be a point where it stops feeling like this. Ugh. Right. How you holdin' up with the whole living thing, anyway? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	avenging_son 2013-03-23 01:58 pm UTC (link)
	Just takes time, right? You'll get there. Like you said. Good days and bad days. Having my arm back is kinda weird though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 03:29 pm UTC (link)
	I'm pretty broken, Hero. Gonna take a lot of king's men to put me together again. Is it like one of those reverse phantom limb or somethin'? But, hey, at least you've got it right? Second chances and whatever? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

avenging_son, 2013-03-23 03:37 pm UTC

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avenging_son, 2013-03-23 07:08 pm UTC

	imnotlegolas 2013-03-23 05:03 am UTC (link)
	Reading the comments, I'm guessing you're troubled by having to take lives and enjoyed it. As a guy who was a sniper in the Marines and then with the agency, best outlet/distraction I found was music and bow crafting. Got any hobbies or anything? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 05:25 am UTC (link)
	I'm that transparent... Did you enjoy it as much as I do? That's great for you. But, I don't think bow design and some fucking Enya is gonna cut it. It's like I've been cut off from hard drugs. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

imnotlegolas
2013-03-23 01:54 pm UTC (link)

Not so much transparent as I've had to learn how to read people to see if they were a threat or not.

Part of me did when I was deployed in the Middle East. While the deaths bother me a little (taking a life should never be easy), I know I did what I had to do.

Best advice I can give that sounds corny as hell? Take it one day at a time. The fact that you're troubled over this proves you aren't a heartless killer. Find something that sort of clears your mind out. Bow making for me is like a zen thing. It's repetitive and helps clear my mind. I know some snipers have taken to doing martial arts and meditation to help them.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

secondxbest, 2013-03-23 03:25 pm UTC

imnotlegolas, 2013-03-23 03:35 pm UTC

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	Faith darkforcerising 2013-03-23 05:11 am UTC (link)
	Do you need help with calming your mind? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Anakin secondxbest 2013-03-23 05:19 am UTC (link)
	Isn't that the understatement of the day. Why? You got my anti-drug? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Faith darkforcerising 2013-03-23 05:26 am UTC (link)
	Jedi are particularly adept at such things. I would not call it an anti-drug. There is no quick fix for matters of the mind. But, if you're interested, I can help you with techniques for controlling the urges you talked about above. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

secondxbest, 2013-03-23 03:26 pm UTC

darkforcerising, 2013-03-23 10:48 pm UTC

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darkforcerising, 2013-03-25 02:46 am UTC

	manof_iron 2013-03-25 01:55 am UTC (link)
	I can be distracting. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-25 02:26 am UTC (link)
	How so? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	manof_iron 2013-03-25 02:28 am UTC (link)
	Well, what sort of distraction are you really needing? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

secondxbest, 2013-03-25 02:31 am UTC

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