InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "He's so old!"

Faith Lehane (secondxbest) wrote in makebelievenet,
@ 2013-03-23 00:01:00

Entry tags:

anakin skywalker, buffy summers, clint barton, duncan (total drama), faith lehane, james rogers, nyota uhura, tony stark

Fuck.
Shit.
Damn.
Ugh...

Some days are better than others. The second time around isn't getting any easier. The process seems harder for some reason. Like it's getting dragged out. Punishing me for taking the steps back.

Is there an anti-drug for this? Anyone know if I can get some morphine for this?

Fuck.
Those Reavers.
I shouldn't have gotten so

Damn it!

I need a distraction. Someone give me a distraction. Distract me goddammit!

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	imnotlegolas 2013-03-23 05:03 am UTC (link)
	Reading the comments, I'm guessing you're troubled by having to take lives and enjoyed it. As a guy who was a sniper in the Marines and then with the agency, best outlet/distraction I found was music and bow crafting. Got any hobbies or anything? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 05:25 am UTC (link)
	I'm that transparent... Did you enjoy it as much as I do? That's great for you. But, I don't think bow design and some fucking Enya is gonna cut it. It's like I've been cut off from hard drugs. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

imnotlegolas
2013-03-23 01:54 pm UTC (link)

Not so much transparent as I've had to learn how to read people to see if they were a threat or not.

Part of me did when I was deployed in the Middle East. While the deaths bother me a little (taking a life should never be easy), I know I did what I had to do.

Best advice I can give that sounds corny as hell? Take it one day at a time. The fact that you're troubled over this proves you aren't a heartless killer. Find something that sort of clears your mind out. Bow making for me is like a zen thing. It's repetitive and helps clear my mind. I know some snipers have taken to doing martial arts and meditation to help them.

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secondxbest
2013-03-23 03:25 pm UTC (link)

So what do your Spidey Senses say about me, Captain Willard?

It shouldn't. But it is. The first couple of times were strange. It was like something got woken up inside of me. But after that I could do it without a blink of an eye. And I think some will argue that I didn't need to do what I did.

Zen, huh? The first time around I dulled the itch with alcohol, smoking, and stealing things. I even had a rush squatting in different places around here. Just to fuck with the cops. Also stole my bike back when I was a dude. That was fun.

Not really workin' so well this time around. I'm not one for patience or sitting still long enough to meditate without falling asleep. But the martial arts thing doesn't sound so horrible, I guess.

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imnotlegolas
2013-03-23 03:35 pm UTC (link)

From the little I've seen? You want to do the right thing but seem to be unsure if you can.

Taking a life changes a person. There's no way around that. I'm not the same guy I was when I first joined the Marines. Probably never be that guy again. But I try to do the right thing to make up for the things I've done, the lives I've taken. Like I told my partner, clear some of the red out of my ledger.

Martial arts is good. Ever need a sparring partner just ask.

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secondxbest
2013-03-23 06:43 pm UTC (link)

Come on down, Willard, you've just won yourself a chance on the Price is Right.

I don't know who I am at this point. No one wanted me before I killed, no one wanted me after. Now I'm sort of in a limbo where I feel like I'm trying to hang on to a piece of old me, while somehow finding a conscience to create the me everyone wanted all along.

So tell me, does that red ever come out?

You sure you can handle it? I'm not your average girl.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

imnotlegolas
2013-03-23 06:49 pm UTC (link)

Then I suggest you find out who you want to be, not what everyone else wants you to be. If you mold yourself to other's perception of what you should be, you'll never be happy with yourself and always struggling.

I'm still working on it. But I try each day to wipe it out. I wish my wife Natasha was still here. She's done a lot of terrible things in her past before she decided to join SHIELD. But whether or not the red comes out, it's important to keep trying. Redemption, making up for past sins, it's not easy. Not suppose to be.

I sparred with Natasha and she wasn't the average girl. Might be able to hold my own for a bit.

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secondxbest
2013-03-23 07:04 pm UTC (link)

Right. Well. I guess we'll see how that goes.

I'm sorry your wife isn't here. But she could always come back, right?

If you think you can, I'd like to take you up on that. Buffy has offered before, but I sometimes feel strange about it...since I've, maybe, sort of tried to kill her a few times in the past. I feel like I hold back now with her. I don't want to accidentally slip and have my old feelings about her break through.

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	imnotlegolas 2013-03-23 07:06 pm UTC (link)
	She could yeah. Part of me hopes so for James' sake. Cap too so he can know his father. I'll do my best to give you a good spar. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 07:12 pm UTC (link)
	Is it weird for you that the woman you married has a kid with another man? Don't go easy on me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	imnotlegolas 2013-03-23 07:14 pm UTC (link)
	A bit weird but then again after looking myself up, there's a lot of versions of us. One where I...well I wear purple spandex outfit with a mask. Don't plan to. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 07:18 pm UTC (link)
	Ah...so you know about that. Makes this less awkward. I read the books. What version do you come from? And...was it weird to see that? I haven't gone out to find the DVDs of the show I'm apparently in. Besides, it's called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not Faith the Vampire Slayer. I sort of don't want to know how I'm portrayed. Good. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	imnotlegolas 2013-03-23 07:23 pm UTC (link)
	The movies. Most recent one was the Avengers one. It was. I also wish I hadn't given the memories it brought up. Brainwashed, helped a deranged god kill dozens of my friends and coworkers at SHIELD until Natasha slammed my head really hard into a metal rail... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	secondxbest 2013-03-23 07:49 pm UTC (link)
	Ah...I wouldn't know. The last year I remember was 2001. Maybe I'll hold off a little while longer then... (Reply to this) (Parent)

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