A History Future Lesson
By Lily L. Potter
My name is Lily Luna Potter, and I am the granddaughter of James Potter and Lily Evans. Yes, they got married. Who didn't see that coming? But that's not the point. You all seem to be in need of a history lesson. Or really, a future lesson for you guys.
James and Lily Potter were killed by Voldemort and my da became the Chosen One. Harry James Potter. The-Boy-Who-Lived. They were not, as the Ministry claimed, betrayed by Sirius Black. That is a load of idiocy. Look at my brother. His name is James SIRIUS Potter. My da my be a complete prat, but he would not name his son after the guy who killed his parents. Besides, the Ministry said it. When the hell have they ever been right about ANYTHING other than quidditch scores...and even then they fuck up sometimes. So Sirius was wrongly imprisioned for thirteen years. Then he got pardonned a while ago. But he was dead by then because Bellatrix Lestrange is a flaming hellbitch. Sorry, Sirius. It kind of sucks.
Speaking of Bellatrix. Yes, she married Rodolphus Lestrange. Birds of a crazy flock together and what not. Since she's an evil whore, she killed Sirius. She also tried to kill my mum, but my grandmum, the living one mind you, killed her. I hear it was fucking awesome. As for Narcissa, yes, you did marry Lucius Malfoy. Get the hell over it. You're both...very pretty...in an albino sort of way...if not that bright. And you had an equally pretty albino child who was equally prattish, named Draco. And he in turn had a son. Who shags my brother. It's awkward since Draco and my dad hate each other. But Albus Severus is a Slytherin, so he's a bit weird anyway.
Speaking of that, Grandpa James, shut up about him being named Severus. Severus Snape was apparently a prat with a giant nose, but he was one of the good guys. A really bastardly good guy. He was a spy for the Order and he died because Voldemort killed him and it was really bloody awful and he did a lot of good things, so stop complaining about my brother being named after him. I mean...yes, he killed Dumbledore, but Dumbledore told him to! He had to do it. I don't remember why, but he had to.
Also, Auntie Dora, Uncle Remus...oh, yeah, you guys were married. I never met either of you. I wasn't born until...oh blimey, this year...oh time travel. Anyway. You were married in a shotgun wedding sans shotguns, when Auntie Dora got up the duff. You guys got together after Dumbledore died...which was about a year or so after Sirius died to put things in timeline form. Remus was really weird about it. Always said he wasn't right for you, because he was so much older and such...but you sort of jumped him and he finally gave up, Dora. It was impressive. But you guys died in the final battle. It was really sad. Bellabitch killed Tonks and Dolohov killed Remus. Majorly sucky. You guys had a son, Teddy, who is fucking my cousin, Victoire. Auntie Dromeda raised him but he's kinda like an extra brother to me. I have a lot of cousins, because grandmum and grandda Weasley shagged like rabbits.
So, onto them. Rose and Hugo are Auntie Mione and Uncle Ron's kids. Rose is cool, and Hugo is a bit of a prat. He got his name because Mione wanted to name him Victor, after Victor Hugo, and Ron thought she meant her ex-boyfriend Viktor...it was awkward. Then there's Bill and Fleur's kids, the aforementioned Victoire, Dominique and Louis. Aunt Fleur is french, and part-Veela. And Uncle Bill has wolfish tendencies because Fenrir Greyback slashed his face up. Fleur says the scars make him look sexy. I say that's too much information from my aunt. Oh! Fenrir! He's a creepy bastard. He likes to take young boys and bite them. Take from that what you will. Uncle George married Uncle Fred's ex-girlfriend Angelina, because Fred died in the war...it was fucking awful, and they have Fred and Roxanne. And Uncle Percy and Auntie Audrey have Molly and Lucy. They're sweet but kind of quiet. And then there's me and Jamie and Albie. Oh! Charlie never married. We can't decide if he's gay or just really likes dragons.
So, that's your brief history/future lesson. If I think of more, you'll get more later. For now, just get the fuck over it. As for me, my boyfriend is actually coming off smarter than you lot right now. So I'm going to go shag him.
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