. . . What is this? Where am I?

So... Sirius Black... I'm feeling oddly cheerful at the moment, probably a combination of that fifth of vodka I'd forgotten I'd had, plus it's the holidays. So I'm here to propose a visitation schedule for our dear mate, Remus.

( Visitation plan- cut for space, anyone can read )

Sirius Procyon Mirzam Aschere Black, we're not speaking until you agree to the terms I gave you in our last discussion.

What's going on? Moony? Prongs? Wormtail? C'mon, this isn't funny. You know I don't like it when you don't let me in on the joke.

( Sirius (Posted before the wedding) )

AAAHHH! Good one Severus! You're a teenager again for one day, ONE FREAKING DAY, and you start professing your undying love for... Remus Lupin? WTF!?

How did that conversation go I wonder?

Teen Sev body: Ok, young again, I need sex, drugs, and embarrassment.

Teen Sev brain: Sounds great, lead the way.

Adult Sev conscience: No, wait, this can't be good... Uh guys!... Wait guys! No, this is a very BAD IDEA! What am I, fucking invisible? Ah, shit.

For the record everyone, I DO NOT love Remus Lupin, nor is he my best friend. But, uh, yes Cissa, bring the whip next time. That's a true request.

( Remus )

( Sirius )

James Potter and Sirius Black.

I don't care how you did this, but you had better undo it. NOW.

Fuck me! Just when I thought this place couldn't get any more shit-tastic, you three miscreants have to appear, no doubt high on delusions of your own importances.

Sirius Procyon Mirzam Aschere Black, you're a twat.

I see my compatriots have already made quite the impression. Oi, how am I supposed to inform people of your deepest, darkest secrets if you lot air them before I get here?

As I said.

Lies.

Please, do excuse him. Compulsive lying is just such a hip trend where we're from, girls and boys.

The gentleman below me with the guitar is not only a horrid liar, but severely confounded as well. Completely mental and deranged, I'm afraid. It's really quite sad. He can't help himself. Don't trust anything he says. It won't end well for anyone involved.

My name is not, in fact, Sir Diddymus Duggles. It's Remus Lupin. And I am in no way female, despite his protestations to the contrary.

He also suffers from delusions of grandeur.

As I said, it's terribly sad. Tragically so.

Right! Quickly, do you see that man below me? With the locks of chocolate, and fluttering eyelashes that resemble that of the female persuasion?

Everything he says is a lie. So, if he tells you his name is Remus, or something ridiculous like that, he's lying to you. His real name is Sir Diddymus Duggles.

And he's really a she.

No, I swear to you. You have my word.

Ah, yes, and I'm Sirius Black. If you don't know who I am, then I suppose now is as good a time as any to change that, now isn't it?

Blaming Sirius for this.

James was far too busy staring at Evans today to be the cause. He might still be perturbed over the fact that I'm apparently not 'hip to his jive'. Still, this is something of an overreaction. It's hardly as if I stole his sandwich...or insulted his hair.

Sirius, if you're reading this, very unfunny. Very, very unfunny. In other news, no matter how many times you say so? I am not, in fact, a girl.

That is all.