Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Its ROSE damn it"

Username: 
Password:    
Remember Me
  • Create Account
  • IJ Login
  • OpenID Login
Search by : 
  • View
    • Create Account
    • IJ Login
    • OpenID Login
  • Journal
    • Post
    • Edit Entries
    • Customize Journal
    • Comment Settings
    • Recent Comments
    • Manage Tags
  • Account
    • Manage Account
    • Viewing Options
    • Manage Profile
    • Manage Notifications
    • Manage Pictures
    • Manage Schools
    • Account Status
  • Friends
    • Edit Friends
    • Edit Custom Groups
    • Friends Filter
    • Nudge Friends
    • Invite
    • Create RSS Feed
  • Asylums
    • Post
    • Asylum Invitations
    • Manage Asylums
    • Create Asylum
  • Site
    • Support
    • Upgrade Account
    • FAQs
    • Search By Location
    • Search By Interest
    • Search Randomly

Helena Wells has "disappeared" with the Astrolabe ([info]ismellapples) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2013-07-09 12:04:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:helena g. wells, svetlana sergievsky

Who: Svetlana and Helena
What: A year ago, Moriarty succeeded in making Helena snap and tried to kill her and she never actually dealt with that.
When: Noonish
Where: Svetlana's apartment
Warnings: Mentions of being shot, otherwise TBA



Today was the day that marked a year since Moriarty had tried to kill both her and Myka. That had been the day that Helena’s control over the darker part of herself had snapped. The sniper had actually done her a favor. If she had not been shot, Helena would have torn Lawrence apart hunting down Moriarty to torture and kill him. That had been the mindset she’d gone into when Moriarty had used the Farnsworth she’d given to Irene to call her and show her Myka’s life was on the line. Everything after that moment was a blur, honestly. Helena only knew that she’d somehow managed to tell Bruce about the bomb before she burst out of the Avengers’ warehouse and made her way to rescue Myka. She wasn’t going to let the psychopathic Irishman kill her, Helena would kill him first. But the sniper had stopped that. Before she’d known what was happening, Myka was pushing her and a searing pain ripped into her shoulder. The bullet had lodged itself within her shoulder, and the bullet had been taken out when Myka got her back to the medbay.

Dealing with the aftereffects of that had never truly happened. For one, the fact that Lexi had given Helena her blood to drink, thus instantly healing the wound in her shoulder, had taken away the need to go through the long term physical healing aspect. And for another thing, it had gotten lost within her dealing with Christina’s loss. So it was no surprise that today she was edgy and quieter than was typical of her. While Helena had never forgotten she'd been shot, dealing with the aftereffects of it had never really been something she'd needed to do. She had too much else to work through with her unexpressed grief over Christina. By the time the Victorian woman had finally pulled herself back up from being knocked down by everything regarding Christina, being shot, and having snapped, were far from her mind. Other things had come to take precedence over what had happened on this day a year before. And now Helena was paying the price for that.

Helena had spent the morning locked within her head, largely going through the motions of feeding Emily and watching her, so on and so forth. Her mind was in a completely different place. She didn’t interact with anyone, it was mostly just reacting. If someone got her attention, she would respond and shake out of her haze temporarily. However, her mind always pulled her back to when she'd been shot. Every so often, Helena would absently rub the place where she’d been shot as though it hurt, but it was merely a reflex to the things going through her head. She had escaped the Reaper that day, she knew that. By all rights, that bullet should’ve lodged itself in her head, effectively killing her, but it hadn’t because Myka had seen the sniper and pushed her out of the way to avoid the kill shot. The Victorian woman had a complicated relationship with the Reaper. Oh she knew she was living on extremely borrowed time, that was not the issue. The issue was how many times she’d stared Death himself in the face only to remain alive. No one could escape death forever. While there had been a time when Helena would’ve rather been dead, right now she had every will to live. Eventually all the brushes with death caught up with someone. Today was the day that being shot caught up with her.

Eventually realizing she wasn’t handling the memories at all, Helena knew what she needed to do. Ensuring Emily was being watched, Helena grabbed her purse and headed out. She needed vodka and she didn’t have any in the house. While there was an assortment of liquor, largely sherry and brandy, vodka was not something she kept in stock. And vodka was what she needed right now. Helena needed to drink enough to let herself feel without her walls coming up. Though things were also compounded because the day Christina died was only a few days away. This was certainly a horrible time of year for Helena. Except while she was in Lawrence, she had the added weight of Irene’s death and having been shot added to this week to deal with. Helena hoped that if she was able to get through today and not close herself off from dealing with it, it would be better after this.

Worries about Sunday were mounting. She had no idea how she’d react, but Helena seriously hoped that the work she’d put in to accepting and grieving her daughter’s death the previous year would help her not react as poorly as she otherwise might. But even with that, she couldn’t quite make that a cement assertion until Sunday came.

Quickly pushing those thoughts aside, she didn’t need to complicate things for herself even more than they already were, Helena went to a liquor store and bought two bottles. She wasn’t certain how much she needed, and she’d also decided to go spend some time with Svetlana. While she knew Svetlana was trying to adjust to being back here, Helena just needed to be around her for a while. Both women also knew how to read between the lines with the other, and given Svetlana had been here a year ago, that would hopefully help. Because Helena was not going to let herself implode or cause an explosion again because she wasn’t dealing with things. Alcohol in hand, Helena headed to the complex and up to Svetlana’s room and knocked. Perhaps she should’ve asked Svetlana if she could come over before she actually arrived on her doorstep, but Helena wasn’t exactly thinking ahead currently.


(Post a new comment)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-09 05:40 pm UTC (link)
She had been back in Lawrence for... thirty six hours or there about and Svetlana wasn't really sure on what to make of it all. She had already seen Helena once but it had more been playing chess and drinking tea and vodka. Nothing really had been said. She had spoken to some on the boards, those she considered friends, yet she didn't know how to feel. She didn't know what to make of her memories. The year she'd been in Lawrence. Everything that had happened. It all had come back at once, memories overwhelming her. Anatoly had shown up and she hadn't even been surprised. She knew that he'd been sent back to their world as well. She had checked their old apartment the second she had gotten back but he hadn't been there. Everything had been empty.

Sleep had only happened after the first night of vodka and chess and that was because of the drink. Following that, the Russian woman had remained awake. She needed to sort through everything. She needed to accept that the girls weren't in Lawrence this time around. She knew that there was nothing to worry about, not now. She had made sure to ensure their well being. Had made sure to ensure her family was protected. But that didn't mean it would be easy for her to not have the two girls there with her, to be a family. It was safer for them in Moscow in a way, but it didn't make the separation any easier.

Having been staring out the window, Svetlana was aware that her husband had gone out for.... something. If it was to get situated in the medbay again, or simply to walk, or get something that they needed, she wasn't exactly sure. Her mind was elsewhere. Death and violation, pain and fear. Threats that were no more but her mind was once again trying to process. Admissions to the past she had kept so long hidden. So much had happened in Lawrence. Boundaries pushed. Things put into motion sooner than she'd been prepared for.

The knock at the door snapped Svetlana from her self reflection and she blinked, shaking her head before walking to the door. Either Anatoly forgot the key or it was either Dick or Helena as she hadn't told Florence their room number. Upon opening the door, the date hit Svetlana. It wasn't the death of Christina, that was coming up but no, it was around the craziness that had happened with Moriarty. Which meant... the day Helena had been shot? She was still hazy on dates but she had the time frame. And it wasn't like she'd turn the Victorian woman away. So once Helena was in, Svetlana closed the door then headed to where there were some plastic cups as getting actual cups and plates and silverware wasn't high on her priority list right now. She'd see if the money wish carried over when she was in a better state of mind.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-09 07:28 pm UTC (link)
Even with Helena's own issues of the date, she had a feeling Svetlana could also use the company. With the memories of Lawrence, of not having her daughters here, the Russian woman was no doubt having a hard time adjusting. Helena knew the feeling of not having a child around, the odd sense of not having that constant around. It had been something Helena had felt each time Christina had been sent to stay with cousins and other family members because Helena had been working. Helena also knew the haze that set in upon getting memories of this place back.

While those were also reasons for her going to see Svetlana, another reason was because she needed that person who could read between the lines with her. She didn't expect Svetlana to instantly remember what had happened a year ago due to her memories coming back, but she wanted to take comfort in that unspoken understanding. So once Svetlana let her in, Helena took the bag with the two bottles of vodka in it over to the table and set it down, pulling one of them out and went about opening it as Svetlana got a couple glasses. The vodka was Russian, of course. It wouldn't have been anything else, really.

Despite there having been little conversation when she'd been there the other day, with Svetlana and Helena actions and body language had a tendency to speak for them, which was how she knew she wasn't intruding on Svetlana. If she had been, she either wouldn't have answered the door at all or she would've told her to come back another time. When Svetlana brought the cups over, Helena poured them both a drink.

"How are you settling in?" Helena asked, knowing Svetlana wasn't exactly fine so asking after that was meaningless. At least Lawrence wasn't being bombarded with chaos right now so Svetlana could actually take the time to process things. Likewise, it also allowed Helena an opportunity to process things that haunted her. She hoped she could get through Sunday without chaos reigning down on them because Helena needed the time for herself and to properly take in the events that had happened this week in the history of her life.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-09 08:20 pm UTC (link)
The week in Bangkok had been hard enough without the girls, not knowing how they would be while she was away. Worried they'd be hurt in that time. The two days with Mikhail during Athens had been worrisome, but in both those situations, she knew the estimated time she'd see them again. This time, though? Even if the Seal brought them back, they could be older, have gone through so much she would have missed. Or they might not show up and she could be here for months or years without word. It was hard but she would have to handle it, no matter how much it left a hole in her heart.

The vodka definitely wasn't going to be turned away. She didn't go to alcohol all the time, but the past day and a half warranted it. Along with the time of year it was for everyone who had been deeply connected into the Moriarty issues, it was no surprise at all. Irene had been killed a few days previous, Sherlock's death would be coming up, something she planned to avoid the boards for as she really did not have the patience even if she understood the pain of losing someone. But she didn't have the energy or patience to see the drunken whining that had polluted the boards for so long after that had happened.

Taking the offered cup, Svetlana sipped it and contemplated the question. It wasn't pointless, a question with an obvious answer for which she was grateful. Those were meaningless and just meant to fill silence and as both women were used to silence and reading between lines and body language, it would have been unnecessary. She was thankful for the quiet as it meant she couldn't distract herself but she wasn't really certain on how to answer just yet.

"Well enough. Anatoly seems to have returned, he ended up at the door soon after you left."

Most people would have found that odd as Svetlana had given the apartment number to only two people, both under filters. But the two Russians had a connection, her husband knew when something was wrong and was able to find her. So it hadn't phased her at all and had been a relief even if she was still in closed off Ice Queen mode.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-09 09:47 pm UTC (link)
Helena didn't even have to look at Svetlana to know there was a hole in her heart. She was a mother that knew what it felt like to be separated from her child, so she just innately understood that reaction Svetlana was having. It was an understanding that only another parent who had been separated from their child for an extended amount of time could understand. It was not something that could be accurately stated through words to make others understand, it was entirely intuitive. When one didn't have to try and express what they felt in words, that it was just instinctively known by another, it was always a relief. Words, while vast and capable of describing many things, fell short in accurately describing this. So instead, she chose an action. Helena tentatively reached out to gently squeeze the blonde's hand comfortingly. Normally Helena would give a friend a hug in this situation, but she knew Svetlana wasn't always receptive to such a thing, and right now she would get the better reaction from this than from the hug.

This time of year was Helena's most hated time of year, now for more than just the date Christina had died on. Now she also had Irene's death and being shot on top of it, all within the same week, no less. Helena was edgy, but being around Svetlana made her less so. It made her feel less likely that she was going to implode under the weight of the memories she had in her head. Without thinking about it, Helena lifted a hand and rubbed her shoulder, the one that had been shot, in an absent manner. for a couple moments before she took a drink of her own vodka. She was really glad that Svetlana was here for more than one reason. She had dearly missed Svetlana's company, but she also knew the place Svetlana had come from wasn't exactly the safest place. Not that Lawrence was much safer, but it at least didn't have the KGB lurking around every corner.

"He did? I am very glad to hear that." And she was, she knew how much Svetlana needed Anatoly. Which clearly meant the Seal had been feeling rather benevolent in bringing both Svetlana and Anatoly here. Though it had left their daughters at home, but they would at least have each other here. Sometimes having that and the friendships made here were enough to help ground someone. It wasn't an easy time for either her or Svetlana, so it was undoubtedly a good thing they were able to be in each other's company now. They didn't need words to communicate, though obviously they were more than capable of talking when they wanted. But actions spoke so much louder than words ever could.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-09 10:00 pm UTC (link)
The hand squeeze caused Svetlana to blink and look to the other woman before sipping her drink once more. She really wasn't much in the mood to be hugging anyone, regardless of understanding. It was how they had bonded, the pain of losing their children to death. Svetlana's had been temporary but that memory haunted her now that she remembered this place. The conviction they had died again because of Maleficent. The extended separation with no sign of knowing when it would end. If she'd been hugged, there was a chance Svetlana might have broken down and cried and this was not the time for that. Not now when Helena was seeking reprieve from her own mind, when she needed to work through her own issues.

The company though was indeed welcomed even if it had been unexpected. In some situations, there were only certain people who could truly understand what was being felt even if there were no words to be said. Because what could be said? Sorry you were shot? Sorry Moriarty pushed all the buttons and you snapped? Sorry? They were words, nothing more. But she had noticed the rubbing of her shoulder and knew that it was a psychosomatic response. Memory. Absent and unconscious. This world was dangerous but there at least was no threat of the KGB. At least presently. Who knew with the Seal. It wasn't as if it hadn't made Molokov show up once already.

"He did. It seems there was a demon run in, but Elena came across him."

She didn't need to know the details to know that her husband was worried about the teen. Much as Dick was a brother to Svetlana, Elena was a sister to Anatoly. A sister who had gone through a lot in this place and didn't handle losing people, who felt guilt. She remembered that from the night she had stayed over when the girls psychoanalyzed both her and Dick.

"I imagine he is getting himself settled back in the medbay." It made the most sense. And he would be able to help. And he at least wasn't alone here. She would have worried if he had been here alone. No one to really ground him and just his work. They grounded one another, just as their friendships with people did. The words weren't necessary with Anatoly or Helena, something Svetlana was thankful for as she rarely was one to use them if she didn't have to.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-09 11:38 pm UTC (link)
Helena left it at the brief hand squeeze, looking at Svetlana. She wasn't going to push for more because she knew Svetlana needed to work through things at her own pace. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, to find a peace with being separated from your children, and it wasn't something someone could force someone out of. They came out of it when they were ready. She only hoped that Svetlana would be able to come out of it for the better and not let it constantly hold her back. It would be something Helena would keep an eye on and lend a hand if she needed to. But unless that was necessary, it was something Svetlana needed to do on her own.

Until now, Helena hadn't fully realized the extent of what had happened a year ago. Everything had happened so quickly. Control over herself snapping and going into her kill mode. Getting shot. In a way, she was regretful of having used Lexi's blood to heal the wound. While it had been ideal at the time so she didn't have to worry about the healing process while she had Emily to look after, once Svetlana deemed her mentally stable enough to resume her motherly duties, it had also left Helena with not having to deal with the longterm effects of it. She'd never gone through the physical healing, never had a scar that reminded her of what she'd been through. But now as things were being brought forward, Helena was remembering just how close she had come to losing it all. It all went back to the one unfiltered conversation with Irene and her connection to Irene. And she was still paying the price a year after the fact simply because she hadn't acknowledged and worked through the effects of what she'd been through. Helena took a longer drink of vodka.

"A demon? I am glad that Elena was there and that things turned out alright." Because clearly the fact Anatoly was there meant things had gone well and they'd driven the demon off. "I was going to ask where he was, but that does make the most sense."

Helena's mind drifted off again. She really hated dwelling on the things relating to Moriarty, but she did have a lot of unresolved issues and emotions on the matter. She wanted to torture and kill him for what he had done to Irene, to Myka, to her. The emotions were broiling and swirling within her, turning and changing as quickly as the wind. She drew in a slow breath and downed the rest of what was in her cup then refilled it. This was going to be quite the day, but she'd expected nothing less from it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-10 01:45 am UTC (link)
It was the truth of the matter for everyone. They needed to work through things at their own pace, at least so long as they actually did work through them as opposed to wallowing and that was something Svetlana refused to do. True she tended to even think that thinking about it meant she was wallowing but when she finally processed, she didn't let it hold her back. And while there would be re-processing everything, the one that would be the hardest was the loss of her daughters and uncertainty of when she would see them again.

Sometimes it took time, though. Time to process things that had happened. It was true with the blonde and she had always known it was true for Helena. Given she had been there in Paris the year before, she could see that she was finally processing being shot. It had been awhile before she had felt comfortable returning Emily to Helena' s care, but once she could tell that Helena was ready, she had known it was the right choice. And right now, Helena needed to process what had really happened. Why it had. Accept it. It may be a year in the past now, but it was still very prevalent within Helena's mind right now. Still a part of her psyche and something she needed to work on.

Sipping the vodka, Svetlana simply nodded. It was good that Elena had been there and neither had been hurt. Had Anatoly gotten hurt upon return, possessed, the Russian woman didn't know what she would have done on top of everything else she was dealing with.

"As am I."

Watching Helena's mind drift, Svetlana stood up and moved back to the window, staring out of it in thought. She didn't know just what Helena needed right now. Usually she did, but right now it just seemed she needed the company of someone who had been there and wouldn't pry and well, Svetlana was working on her own thing, so if it was simply drink their vodka in silence while each took comfort in the fact that they weren't alone but didn't have to say things, then hopefully this would help.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-11 01:16 am UTC (link)
There was a saying that time healed all wounds. Helena wasn't entirely certain that was an accurate statement. Things only healed if one allowed them to heal. Helena was living proof of what could happen when someone refused to let themselves work through pain and let it heal. For over a century, Helena had not truly embraced her grief or her daughter. She'd embraced her anger and hate and she'd been twisted so completely by the emotions. It hadn't been until last year that she'd finally opened herself to the grief, opened herself to let the wounds in her heart and soul heal. She'd gone to Paris to face the pain where it had started, even if it wasn't the Paris from her world. Christina's crypt hadn't been there, and her cousin's house had been slightly different, but it was close enough to force her to confront that pain, that wound. It had been so difficult, but she had moved through it. Her heart and soul were still wounded, and even as they healed Helena knew there would always be a piece missing, a scar that would never quite fully heal because a mother never could get over the loss of a child. Helena was also certain that even when Svetlana came to accept the current situation of not being with her daughters, there would always be a piece missing from her heart. She knew how much Svetlana loved her daughters, and she knew the pain her friend was currently suffering all too well.

But now Helena needed to embrace another pain, accept another situation she'd been put through. She had been shot, and she needed to deal with that. While there was no physical reminder of what had happened, Helena didn't need physical reminders. Her memories were always so very potent within her mind. Helena was a haunted woman, she was just very good at pushing the ghosts aside until she was alone in her room at night. Or at least the nights when she was alone and wasn't spending them with Oswin. And right now, she was trying to handle being shot. There was so much that had happened that day, most of it a blur. Helena hadn't even really been aware of much after she'd been shot. The time right after being shot was relatively clear, mostly because of the pain and Myka having applied pressure to her shoulder to slow the blood loss. After that it was patchy. She remembered Myka asserting that Helena wasn't going to die on her again. She was also fairly certain Myka threatened to kill her if she did die on her again. Other than that, most of it was fuzzy, probably due to the drugs she'd been given.

It was a bit difficult to accept what had happened when she didn't have a good memory of some of it. But she had enough memory of it to get the idea. Once again, Helena's hand moved to the shoulder and rubbed the area absently. Only this time, she realized she was doing it and her hand stopped moving and sat there against her shoulder for a moment before she dropped it back to her lap. Helena wasn't exactly certain what she needed beyond just being in the company of someone who wouldn't ask her questions about what she'd been through. Helena just simply didn't have a lot of the answers or words to properly respond to someone in such a way. She did feel less edgy being there in Svetlana's presence. She didn't feel a sense of having to explain herself. So the silence that had fallen was not uncomfortable. Silence between the two of them rarely was uncomfortable.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-11 01:16 am UTC (link)
"Do you think it was a mistake that I let Lexi give me her blood to heal my shoulder?" Helena finally asked. She had no idea how long the silence had existed, and she looked over at Svetlana. It was undoubtedly a question that had no real answer, right or wrong, but it was one that was hanging in her mind so she felt she should express it and not let herself dwell on it silently. As a mother, she knew it had probably been the better choice. It had allowed her to properly care for Emily once Svetlana had returned her to her care. She didn't have to make allowances for an injured and healing shoulder. But on the other side, it had meant she had no physical reminder of what had happened, nothing to remind her she needed to deal with the event. So here she was, a year later, and only now was she letting herself embrace and accept what had happened in order to let herself heal and move on from it.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-11 02:27 am UTC (link)
As much as there were things Svetlana needed to deal with as she readjusted to her memories and the new situation, she also knew that this time, it was more about Helena and helping her deal with the events from a year previous. Because that was more prevalent at the moment. With everything that happened in this place and knowing that as Myka didn't remember, the Victorian woman didn't have the support there as she needed it, the Russian woman pushed her own issues to the side for the time being. There would be time enough when she was on her own or when Anatoly was back to work on the fact the girls weren't here, the memories of their year in Lawrence before they'd been sent back to Moscow, only to return with a year of their lives after Bangkok lived and known. Unlike the first time she was here, unlike when things were thrown at her, this time Svetlana knew she wasn't alone and that actually helped a lot, whether she'd admit it or not.

Most of this time of year from previous was still a haze for Svetlana. She remembered Helena showing up and just handing Emily to her. Helena coming in shot. Trying to keep Myka from going after Moriarty by herself as if that would make any sort of difference when he'd eluded everyone else. She remembered the worry, not just on the actual incident, but how it would affect Helena coming to terms with the death of Christina given the timing, that it would go against everything they'd both spoken about and sat in silence about, to feel that much anger so close to the anniversary of the Victorian girl's death.

So while Helena sat in silence, remembering, accepting, Svetlana finished her vodka and poured another glass, keeping an eye on the older woman as she did so. It was when she was back at her perch on the window that the question broke the silence. Silence that almost never was awkward with the two (beyond when Helena had pushed Svetlana towards her ice queen mode and was trying to make amends while making it worse, but that time withstanding) and just them. Contemplating the question as well as her memories of that time, the blonde sipped her vodka in thought before answering.

"I believe that, at the time, it was the right decision to make with everything that was going on." Not just Christina's death. Not just Irene's. But everything, With so many people threatened, injured, it made sense from a logistical standpoint.

"Battle scars are not just physical and should not be needed to remind us of what we have suffered." She didn't blame Helena for focusing instead on Christina's death once they were in Paris, it was something she had needed to do. And she had needed to take care of Emily as she was the girl's mother. All things considered, it had been right. Helena instead just forgot to come to terms with the shooting and moment of loss of her self control because she focused on other things instead.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-11 04:06 am UTC (link)
So many people had been hurt by Moriarty, Helena was fully aware of that, and she would never claim to have been the only one affected by him. But what Moriarty had done to her, the months of driving wedges into the cracks in her armor, the mind games, all of it had left permanent marks on Helena. The Victorian woman had thought she could beat Moriarty at the game, remain mentally strong, but she'd been so wrong about that. When it came down to it, Helena, at least at that time, hadn't been nearly as strong as she pretended to be. She'd even gone into hiding with Emily once Moriarty had learned of her daughter's existence. That had taken such a toll on her psyche that Helena really should've realized she was not strong enough, that she was heading for a fall. And it had been quite the fall. Moriarty had successfully pushed all the right buttons with Helena until finally he'd taken Myka and strapped a bomb to her. What little control she'd had left had been snapped in that moment, in seeing Myka's life hanging in the balance. If pushed in the right direction, Helena would kill to keep her loved ones safe from harm. She was more than capable of murder, and when she'd seen Myka like that, she snapped and embraced the killer within her. She embraced the monster she'd once been in order to make Moriarty pay for what he did to Myka.

Though, obviously, Helena had never gotten the chance to go after Moriarty. She had gone to Myka to save her and ensure she remained alive, then she had planned to go after Moriarty. Being shot had been the only thing that had stopped her. And, truthfully, Helena had not gotten control over her darker side until she'd been in Paris and let herself truly embrace everything regarding Christina. That pain had been potent enough that she couldn't hold onto that darkness inside her. But the entire situation had proven to her how easily her control over herself could be undone. Helena was stronger now, due in no small part to having been home to live through certain events that had helped give her a less emotional nature. She was more grounded, more aware of herself and her capabilities and limitations. It was because of that that she was even here with Svetlana right now. She was aware of herself to the extent she knew she needed company who innately understood what had happened because Myka didn't remember. And while Claudia did remember, this wasn't exactly something she wished to dump on her. There were aspects to this that she was fairly certain Claudia didn't know or understand.

Listening to Svetlana's response to her question, she nodded a bit. Helena was well aware that battle scars were not just physical. But she had made the choice she believed to be right at the time. With everything going on, the medbay needed as much space as it could get. Likewise, Helena didn't want her mind to be clouded by pain medication when she was trying to embrace the pain of her daughter's death. Helena quickly downed the rest of her glass and refilled it again, taking another sip in contemplation.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-11 04:08 am UTC (link)
"No they are not. It is the scars that are unseen that hurt the most." Helena knew Svetlana knew that better than most people did. Brushing a hand through her hair, Helena drew in a slow breath. She was trying to get a handle on her racing thoughts and feelings, but the vodka was already starting to have the desired effect. Her walls were staying down and she was letting herself be open to feeling what came to her. That was another reason she'd come to Svetlana. She'd known that if she'd sat at home any longer, her walls would've eventually come up and she would've shut herself off from her emotions. That was the worst thing she could've done, so instead she kept herself open to the pain.

"I hate him for what he did to Myka, to me, to Irene. I imagine I always will. I can't forgive what he did the same way I will never forgive what Christina's murderers did to her." There was anger and hate within her heart, and she wished she could expel it, but the man it was directed at, in this case, was dead and burning in Hell. She wasn't able to properly vent that anger and hate the way she'd been able to do to Christina's murderers. Though that was undoubtedly a good thing she couldn't. That would open the door to her becoming that monster again and that is the last thing she wanted. So she needed a more healthy way of dealing with the anger and hate, of accepting the pain and letting go.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-11 05:23 am UTC (link)
The important thing to Svetlana right now was making sure that Helena didn't shut herself down. It was why she'd been in Paris with them. Why she would go to check on Helena when she knew that there was a risk that the other woman would shut down with everything going on around her. It was why she was more than fine with the fact Helena had shown up when she did. It had been a year since Moriarty. Two years with the month absence Svetlana had been in Lawrence. So she could push aside those two years of memories to help Helena with this as it was clearly more pressing given Helena's nature to ignore it all until it exploded. In very dangerous ways.

"So do not doubt the decision you made."

Because it would do no good. Helena knew why she'd made the decision. The problem was that she had then seemed to ignore it all together because of everything else. Which made sense. And it was a problem Svetlana well knew given her own perchance for ignoring and instead just dealing with everything else. The difference being Svetlana didn't explode in quite the way Helena did. The way that Moriarty had pushed. Hiding hadn't been inherently bad. It was the actions of those who had helped her that became problematic. She had done what was necessary to protect Emily. Using Gaia to get to Myka had been the problem.

Still, she was thankful the walls were remaining down. Much as they had the weekend where they had gotten drunk and moved furniture and probably gave Anatoly and Myka heart attacks. Svetlana could hold her vodka, no problem, but the two probably had still worried.

"You do not need to forgive him. But you cannot let it hold you back either." She was thankful that the time in her own world had helped Helena find a more stable footing in terms of her emotions and how she handled things. The time leading up to her disappearance had been strenuous at best given the pushing away of all the advice Svetlana had given, the ice queen persona coming back, everything with this new Myka. The Myka she couldn't stand for her antics. Who wanted to avoid her and who Svetlana was more than happy to avoid and was thus confused by the comment when she had returned.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-11 07:08 pm UTC (link)
That was an issue Helena had, doubting choices she'd made. It wasn't a constant issue, but she did it enough in certain circumstances that it was a fault she was aware of. She'd spent so long dwelling on the what-if's of her life that she had let herself get twisted even further from the woman she'd once been. Thinking on the what-if's for too long only fueled her anger on certain subjects. But in this instance, she would need to try and keep herself from doubting the choice she'd made a year ago. Of course, she was aware she'd needed to be physically okay again to be able to care for Emily. Helena just needed to get herself to stop questioning things. Even if her mind had been scattered at the time, she had made the best choice she could. Not to mention if she hadn't let Lexi heal her shoulder, Helena would've had to deal with the shooting and all the emotions and circumstances tied to it at the same time she'd been grieving for Christina and coming to terms with that. Ultimately, it would undoubtedly have been too much for her to handle. Helena had not been that strong back then, it would have no doubt broken her beyond repair.

It did not escape Helena's notice that this was not dissimilar to when she and Svetlana had gotten drunk while moving things around in her house. Honestly, Helena was still frightened by Svetlana's ability to hold her alcohol and not have a hangover, but that wasn't the point. Helena had needed the support then and to remain open to her feelings while she'd moved Christina's things out of the bedroom that had once belonged to her to make room for Emily and her things. It had been difficult going through Christina's clothes and toys as she packed them up, but that was why she'd asked Svetlana for help as well as having alcohol. Now, as she'd needed then, Helena needed to keep her walls down. If she held things in, it would explode in a very dangerous way in the future. And Helena was self-aware enough to know she couldn't do that again. She couldn't afford to push away Svetlana's advice yet again. Helena had only been lucky that she'd suffered a minor chemical burn and nothing more serious had happened. Typically when Helena self-destructed, people ended up dead one way or another.

"I am trying not to. Anger and hate takes longer for me to accept than I wish it did." Which was true. How long had she held onto her anger and hate for the Warehouse? Hell, she still held some amount of resentment for the Warehouse and the Regents. She really had issue trying to make peace with such things. It was harder to do when the person she hated and was angry with was dead so it wasn't as though she could vent at them and release the anger. She needed another way to vent it, and that was currently elusive to her. Though she wasn't bent on holding onto these things forever.

"I want to make peace with it. I deserve it because I want to live my life. I have Emily to raise. I have Oswin. I have you and my other friends. Here, I have the chance to live and I don't want to let it pass me by." Helena took another drink of her vodka. Of course she knew making her peace would be easier said than done, but she was setting her mind to accomplishing that. She wanted to live because she had so many reasons to live. She wasn't tied down by the Warehouse here. She didn't have a duty to serve the Warehouse and be thankful Artie pleaded on her behalf so she'd maintained her freedom instead of getting punished once again. Here, she could live a relatively normal life. And she desired that chance above all else.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-11 09:37 pm UTC (link)
It seemed a constant issue with most people Svetlana found. The what if game. The doubting choices that had been made because of the outcome. It was why the whole phrase 20/20 hindsight existed. It was easy to see the choice that might have been better after the fact. The trick was making sure it didn't distract you from the bigger picture. There were so many what ifs within Svetlana's life yet she didn't pay attention to them. When Anatoly pulled away, she instead focused on her daughters instead of the what ifs and signs she should have seen and what she could have done. Those came to her later but they never detracted from the bigger picture. It was just making sure that Helena didn't fall into that particular trap.

Truthfully, the fact that Helena was even here was a good sign. It meant she recognized within herself the risk of putting up those walls and self destructing as she had done before. It meant she was actively trying to keep that from happening and letting herself process things. Which meant a lot more to Svetlana than she would ever actually say given how much she pushed the older woman to do just that. To let herself experience and feel things. Yes, Svetlana needed to do the same thing but that was why she knew Helena needed it as well, because she saw the signs, she saw the clues.

"I find it is harder to let go of the negative emotions as we feel them stronger, remember them longer." Wasn't that always the case? A person could have good things happen in a day, but on wrong thing and that was what they fixated on. So of course it made sense that Helena had a harder time accepting the anger and hate and moving past it, especially without an outlet. It was human nature regardless of the person. For if there was one thing Svetlana was good at, it was observing people and seeing that trend within a majority of people.

"You do deserve a chance to live the life you want to live and not one hampered by the past, by things that are not in your control. You have control of how you handle things, though. If you want to make peace with it, you will find a way to do so."

If there was one thing the Russian woman was certain of, it was of Helena's ability to do whatever she put her mind to, no matter the challenges. Hell, the more challenges the more she'd work on it to overcome them for her end goal. Sipping her drink, she stared out at the city from the window in thought.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-12 01:26 am UTC (link)
In many ways, Helena felt she could be the so-called poster child for being unable to let go of negative emotions. Her inability to let go of her anger and hate for over a century had culminated in her in trying to destroy the world. And she had come so close. One more strike of the Trident and she would've succeeded in taking the world to Hell along with her. That was what happened when Helena refused to acknowledge her feelings and try to make peace with them. It is what happened when she fixated and when she refused to feel pain. Helena was a walking paradox. On the one hand, she was a woman ahead of her time. But on the other, she was very much a woman of her time, having largely Victorian views and beliefs. There was also the fact she did not handle grief at all, she'd never been taught to express it. She'd been told to repress it, to not let others see it. So that is how Helena had gone through life, keeping her sorrows very close to her heart and holding onto the negative emotions tighter than she held onto the good ones.

Her negative memories were more potent than her good ones. Helena did tend to fixate too much on the bad things she'd been through in her life that she tended to forget there were plenty of good things as well. Especially now. Here in Lawrence, she had a lot of good in her life. She had the chance to be a mother again, to give Emily a chance at life. She had Oswin, and despite the fear she had of her own feelings for her girlfriend, Helena embraced the relationship, enjoying the happiness she'd nearly given up on ever having. Happiness wasn't something Helena got much of, not in the way of having a family or romantic relationships. But here she was, having both of them here.

What did she have back in her world? The Warehouse? No, she didn't even have the Warehouse any longer. She'd been growing tired of her connection to it, of having her life dictated by searching for artifacts. She was grateful to Artie for convincing the Regents to give her her freedom, of course, but she was one hundred and forty-six years old, didn't she deserve to have something other than simply hunting down artifacts or hiding them from people? Helena was so tired of the secrets, so tired of her life being dictated by others. She wanted a retirement, she wanted something more, something normal. And as ironic as it was, she had the relatively normal life here in a place where the Apocalypse was happening.

"It is only a matter of starting on that path to find peace." Which was exactly what Helena was doing here. Just being there with Svetlana was a step in that direction. "Some days I wish I could vent my anger and hate at him, but I know if I did that, it would mean he ultimately won in the end, pushing me to being the woman I once was. I don't want him to hold power over me in any aspect of my life." Which also included the fact she came from a television show that she couldn't even watch because Moriarty had used clips from it to unravel her defenses and destroy her mentally. Not that she wanted to sit and watch the show entirely, but she needed to find some peace and heal the trauma Moriarty had caused her.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-12 05:59 am UTC (link)
Sometimes Svetlana had to wonder if Lawrence in general made people paradoxes within their own right. Or if it just pulled those who went in the opposite direction of themselves. Svetlana with her extremes and being an ice queen, Helena with being both ahead of her time all the while a product of her time. They both held things in, they both repressed. It was the society from which Svetlana was from. It was survival. But it was also being raised by two brothers so different from one another and thus feeling things too deeply or refusing to feel them at all. A barrier of ice. It didn't help that the night she'd slept, the dreams were once again of snow banks and blizzards.

The trick with Lawrence was balancing the good and chances one had with the insanity. Svetlana had seen the show and knew how it went. What it left for Helena, which wasn't much beyond pain and suffering. Lawrence gave her Emily and Oswin... and Svetlana had gotten some on the brainy woman from Helena her first night back, and it was obvious the two were still together and Helena embracing the advice she'd given her a year ago about not running from the opportunity. So she had to ensure Helena wouldn't sabotage herself with focusing on the darkness and pain.

Not that she could offer any solace that he was gone and wouldn't come back. Who knew what the Seal would do. It brought people back from the dead. People returned. It was too uncertain to make any sort of claim of that sort. So instead as Helena had drawn Svetlana's attention from her city watching, the blonde went back to the couch and sat down, finishing her second drink.

"And how do you feel you would do that? Writing? Focus the pain and anger into a passion?" Create from what he tried to destroy. "Do the opposite of what he intended?" It was a suggestion, and perhaps she was still hazy on certain aspects, on expressing herself but it made sense. At least to Svetlana.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-12 08:20 am UTC (link)
Once Svetlana had mentioned it, it seemed so obvious. Creation, giving herself back what Moriarty tried to destroy. Despite the fact it may have been obvious, there were times where Helena needed a reminder or a push in the right direction. But it did play into the fact that sometimes, Helena became far too fixated on the bad things that she sometimes missed the good things that could happen. This was one of the times that she needed the nudge in that direction. She possibly would have come to the conclusion on her own in time, but with Svetlana pointing it out to her, that would mean she could work on it that much quicker. Because really, the faster she was able to start undoing what he had done, the faster she would be able to work his control out of her life.

And really, it was so simply. Creation, letting herself grow further away from the person she had been, the person he wanted her to become, the person that had briefly made an appearance. And Svetlana had been right, once Helena set her mind to accomplish something, she would accomplish it by any means necessary. In this endeavor, she at least knew that she wouldn't delve into any destructive habits for that to be accomplished. She would instead be focusing on the constructive habits, the ones that played into her own personal strengths, into who she truly was at heart. Despite the destruction that she was more than capable of causing, Helena didn't want to be that person anymore. Yes, it would always be a part of her, she would always need to keep her guard up, but Helena wanted to be a better woman, to be more like she'd once been before she'd lost Christina.

Right now, Helena had more than enough tools at hand to ensure she fully became a better woman. She had Emily, Oswin and many friends here. Her dark past was known to several and they didn't seem to judge her for any of it. There was no reason in the world that she couldn't raise herself up higher. She owed it to herself to become the best she could be. And truthfully, wasn't that what Helena had always aspired to? To be the best she could be at whatever she set her mind to? Now was her chance to prove Moriarty wrong, to prove that no matter what he'd done to her, she could rise above it and not allow him further control over her life.

"Writing, most certainly. I admit to having had an idea for writing down a reminiscing tale of a sort in Irene's memory, for what she meant to me. But I have more than that. I have something that he never expected, something he'd misjudged about me." Helena took a long drink of the vodka in her cup. She was, of course, referring to Oswin, to having love for her. Of course it would need to culminate in Helena actually telling Oswin of her feelings, but that would come in time. Or sooner if Svetlana had her way of things because Helena was fairly certain the blonde already knew she was in love, that she'd read it in her already.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-12 08:33 pm UTC (link)
How often was it that people missed the things right in front of them? The obvious answer? Most of the traps Svetlana would set for Anatoly on a chessboard involved just that. Sometimes they were hard to see, sometimes they were so obvious that he went right over them. And then once the trap was sprung, he saw just what he missed. And yet he would always fall for it. She just never told Anatoly what the secret was, how it was he kept falling for it. Because he needed to see it for himself. The joys of observing more than participating. She could see the same pattern within most which was why sometimes it did help to talk with someone not so involved so that they could see a more obvious solution that was skipped over unintentionally.

But she could see the wheels turning in Helena's mind. Could see the same realization dawn within her expression that happened to Anatoly once he saw just what Svetlana had done, what should have been right in his face the entire time that he had somehow missed, that he hadn't thought about.

Getting up and pouring another drink, Svetlana quirked a brow as Helena started speaking about the story she had about a reminiscing story about Adler. Svetlana hadn't liked the Woman. Hadn't liked how she treated Helena like glass. Hadn't liked how she didn't grasp the Victorian woman. The alcohol induced venting session just solidified the observations Svetlana had made at the time. Just as it had about how Bruce treated Helena. How now it even seemed Myka treated her. She used to like Myka but now? Well, it was what it was.

"You mean the way you love Oswin."

It was a simple fact. Svetlana had seen it happening before she had been sent back to Moscow. Had noticed it in the way Helena spoke of Oswin when she had come over before. Because it was obvious even before that Helena held the capacity to love. But there were different ways of love, different types. Moriarty hadn't counted on the love Oswin inspired within the writer and that would be Helena's saving grace in all of this. Because he had no control over it. Had never tainted it, used it against Helena.

Deciding it would make more sense to just bring the bottle of vodka over to where they were sitting, the Russian woman moved back to the couch, vodka in hand and placed it on the table before sitting back down and pulling her legs under her as she leaned against the cushions and arm of the couch.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-13 04:04 am UTC (link)
The Victorian woman was at least in a better mindset now and was more centered so she could take advice when given. Helena had known she'd screwed up in that respect before the Seal had sent her home. And she knew that she was more than lucky that Svetlana had even talked to her after she'd come back, after having pushed their friendship to the breaking point. So she wasn't taking this for granted. In fact, there was little that Helena took for granted any longer. She treasured her friendships, she treasured Oswin and Emily, and she knew she needed to celebrate that she was alive. She'd stared death in the face far too many times to miss the fact she was still alive. And here, she had the things she'd always secretly longed for. She wasn't about to start taking them all for granted as she knew how precious time actually was.

Helena's track record as far as her love life went was by and large not a good one. Even before she'd come to Lawrence the first time, she'd experienced relationships ending badly. Vincent had betrayed her, using their liaisons to gain access to the rocket she was working on. So many times back in her day, she'd been the other woman, though it had been a time when it was socially acceptable for a man to have as many mistresses as he wanted. That didn't mean that there weren't those Helena had fallen in love with for she did fall in love. They could be counted on one hand, but Helena's heart was one that had great capacity for love when she was open to it. She could love deeply, it was largely she wasn't given the opportunity for her to embrace it fully. She did of course realize Irene hadn't fully understood her, Helena wasn't blind to that. She'd also known Bruce hadn't fully understood her either.

But Oswin was different. To her, she wasn't just the great H.G. Wells or she wasn't just good in bed. Helena could tell just by the way Oswin talked to her that she viewed her differently than many of the other lovers she'd had in her life. It was something new and a bit terrifying if she were to be honest, but Helena wasn't running away from it. Oswin allowed her to embrace her love, and while she hadn't yet told her how she truly felt, Helena was determined to let Oswin feel it. And for the first time in a very long time, Helena was starting to feel that she belonged somewhere.

At Svetlana's statement, Helena couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. It even reached her eyes, giving their dark depths a sparkle that could only be described as being love.

"Yes, exactly, the way I love Oswin." It was the first time she'd said the words aloud, but she didn't shy away from it. It was something Moriarty hadn't tainted, he hadn't taken away her ability to love. After she'd arrived in Lawrence with the Astrolabe, Helena had initially doubted her ability to reconnect with people. She'd spent so much time alone after her return to her world. Yet here she was, having found a way to reconnect in her personal relationships with people, to be a mother to Emily again, and most of all, to love Oswin.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-13 06:18 am UTC (link)
Good, Helena was able to smile even now, despite the strain of this week, everything that had happened the year before as well as in her own world, her own time. She was seeing the good in her life and not letting the darkness and pain overwhelm her. It was always a risk with Helena, a risk with anyone. And given previous things that had happened, even now Svetlana worried. Even after she had come back, it had taken a lot for the Russian woman to see that Helena meant it when she wanted to fix what had gone wrong. That she wasn't taking their friendship for granted, that she wasn't going to shove her advice aside and instead self destruct.

The change had been obvious to Svetlana even if Helena hadn't seen it herself. Yes, she'd been worried following everything, waiting for Helena to just go back to how she'd been before, unable to move forward, refusing to deal and instead putting herself in danger. Ignoring those who cared about her, thinking they'd simply be there, no question asked. Or she just hadn't cared if they'd be unable to maintain a friendship that way and thus she was fulfilling her self prophecy. Either way, this was a good change, both from her time back in her world, and being with Emily, with Oswin, with people in general and letting herself be close to them.

"Well, that is certainly something to hold onto. Even when you are not writing."

The feeling of belonging was always a good thing. It was a feeling that Svetlana didn't have at present. She knew that with time, she would find a place in Lawrence again. After all, it hadn't even been two full days that she'd been back. How could she think she would find that niche right away when she had two years to sort through in her mind, real, alternate, curses, pain, love, relief, fear. It was a lot, and she was thankful that Helena had never asked how she was. Because there was no simple answer to that.

Still, Helena proved it was possible to return, to find a place again. Yes, she still had Emily whereas Svetlana was without her daughters for the first time since they were born for an unknown amount of time. Life had gone on as it always would and finding a place when the place she'd finally found was no more, well. It would take time. She just didn't like waiting. She didn't like sitting idle and uncertain.

But that wasn't important at the moment. Ensuring Helena was okay was, which it seemed she was coming out of the dark thoughts that had been plaguing her. She was reminded of the good, holding onto it, had a way to process that had slipped her mind because of how obvious it had been. And that would be enough for now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]ismellapples
2013-07-13 08:56 am UTC (link)
Smiling was something that Helena hadn't done much of until she'd begun growing closer to Oswin. Back home, she'd been too entrenched in the seriousness of work, of tracking down the Borgia Dagger, then putting together that Artie had used Magellan's Astrolabe. Helena hadn't had good reason to be happy until she'd been sent back here to Lawrence and met Oswin. Happiness was something that Helena had not had much of in the last century of her life, but as it stood now, she was not going to give up on happiness. She wasn't going to let the fear of losing it keep her from embracing it now. Helena needed this, she needed people in her life. The Victorian woman never did well being alone, which was part of why it had been difficult for her to transition out of the isolated state when she'd arrived back here. Helena wasn't going to let her past dictate her actions, to let her fear take over. There was no reason to allow that to happen. She had the chance to be happy, and she was going to take it.

Likewise, Helena knew she needed to move on from things. She'd spent far too long being entrenched in her past, controlled by her fears. She was realizing her inner strength, a strength she'd never truly seen in herself until recently. It would be a disservice to herself and to those she loved to continue letting her past control her. The last thing Helena wanted was to lose Svetlana's friendship. The Russian woman had come to mean so much to Helena. She loved her deeply, and while at one time that love had been in a romantic sense, it had turned into the love for a friend, yet it ran deeper than just simple friendship. The love was complex, and despite all the bad things that had happened to both women in Lawrence, she was grateful that they had met.

"I do, I am not about to let her go." Unless Oswin didn't want her any longer, but that wasn't the case currently so Helena wasn't thinking about that possibility. "But I also have more than just my love for Oswin. I have the love I share with you, with Emily, with my friends." Helena looked at Svetlana, knowing that by acknowledging and reminding herself of that, it was rather obvious Moriarty had ultimately failed in his quest to destroy her. He'd already failed in the fact she was alive when he'd clearly meant her to die.

The Victorian woman was coming out of the darker recesses of her mind. She was able to see the good she had in her life, the good that Moriarty had been unable to take from her. It was difficult to come to terms with what had happened, and she knew she had a lot to work through in healing the damage he had done to her, but love certainly went a long way to healing things like that. Helena also now had made a conscious choice to heal herself. She could already tell the wounds on her heart were healing from the love she'd allowed herself to feel, to opening her heart to Oswin much as opening her heart to Emily had helped her heal from losing Christina. Helena would always mourn Christina, a mother never could fully heal from the loss of a child. But she wouldn't let the loss hold her back from living her life. Helena had every reason to live and be happy, and she was going to do just that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]thegirlisme
2013-07-13 06:05 pm UTC (link)
If there had been any doubt in Svetlana's mind before on if Helena had truly listened to her advice from before, here and now proved that the Victorian woman had indeed listened. She wasn't holding herself back in fear of an unknown, because she was uncertain of how something would play out. She was embracing the good in her life and letting it help her. She was acknowledging that she needed to find a way to move past what had happened to her last year. She was willing to listen to suggestions and advice and follow through. It was a marked improvement and one Svetlana was thankful for as there was only so long she could take feeling as though she was being taken for granted. While it had worked in the end with Anatoly, it still had taken a toll on her.

Everything in Lawrence was complex, and when Helena said she loved her, Svetlana nodded. She didn't say it back, it wasn't who she was. Because what she felt for the Victorian woman was complex. She had known that Helena had fallen in love with her for a time, but had respected her love for her husband, had respected her and was able to maintain their friendship which then developed into what it was now. But words and figuring out just what she wanted to say... she at least knew Helena understood her enough to know that even if she didn't say the words back, that it wasn't a reflection on Helena and that it was simply the way Svetlana was.

"To love and moving forward then."

Why not make a toast. Of sorts, because Svetlana then took a sip of her vodka. But it seemed fitting, for both of them. Helena was coming out of the darkness her mind was trying to enclose around her, grasping to the good and relaxing, calming down and no longer plagued as much as she'd been when she had been on the door. The shutters opened from her eyes so that she could see what was in front of her and knowing it was there. Not worrying on a potential outcome. And Svetlana, well, she'd get through the readjustment phase of Lawrence and find her footing again. If only because she was too stubborn not to.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

Home | Site Map | Manage Account | TOS | Privacy | Support | FAQs