So many people had been hurt by Moriarty, Helena was fully aware of that, and she would never claim to have been the only one affected by him. But what Moriarty had done to her, the months of driving wedges into the cracks in her armor, the mind games, all of it had left permanent marks on Helena. The Victorian woman had thought she could beat Moriarty at the game, remain mentally strong, but she'd been so wrong about that. When it came down to it, Helena, at least at that time, hadn't been nearly as strong as she pretended to be. She'd even gone into hiding with Emily once Moriarty had learned of her daughter's existence. That had taken such a toll on her psyche that Helena really should've realized she was not strong enough, that she was heading for a fall. And it had been quite the fall. Moriarty had successfully pushed all the right buttons with Helena until finally he'd taken Myka and strapped a bomb to her. What little control she'd had left had been snapped in that moment, in seeing Myka's life hanging in the balance. If pushed in the right direction, Helena would kill to keep her loved ones safe from harm. She was more than capable of murder, and when she'd seen Myka like that, she snapped and embraced the killer within her. She embraced the monster she'd once been in order to make Moriarty pay for what he did to Myka.
Though, obviously, Helena had never gotten the chance to go after Moriarty. She had gone to Myka to save her and ensure she remained alive, then she had planned to go after Moriarty. Being shot had been the only thing that had stopped her. And, truthfully, Helena had not gotten control over her darker side until she'd been in Paris and let herself truly embrace everything regarding Christina. That pain had been potent enough that she couldn't hold onto that darkness inside her. But the entire situation had proven to her how easily her control over herself could be undone. Helena was stronger now, due in no small part to having been home to live through certain events that had helped give her a less emotional nature. She was more grounded, more aware of herself and her capabilities and limitations. It was because of that that she was even here with Svetlana right now. She was aware of herself to the extent she knew she needed company who innately understood what had happened because Myka didn't remember. And while Claudia did remember, this wasn't exactly something she wished to dump on her. There were aspects to this that she was fairly certain Claudia didn't know or understand.
Listening to Svetlana's response to her question, she nodded a bit. Helena was well aware that battle scars were not just physical. But she had made the choice she believed to be right at the time. With everything going on, the medbay needed as much space as it could get. Likewise, Helena didn't want her mind to be clouded by pain medication when she was trying to embrace the pain of her daughter's death. Helena quickly downed the rest of her glass and refilled it again, taking another sip in contemplation.