Ridgeway Resort - Network Comm

I'm getting tired of being picked up and moved without being asked first.

Can anyone see this?

Well. Crap. So much for relative peace and quiet.

I don't suppose anyone else who can see things that haven't necessarily happened yet had anything just pop up? Not that I expect the answer to be yes but, hey, never hurts to ask.

( Filtered to Angel )

Dear Annoying Guests Who Seem To Have Even Less Tact Than I Do,

The next one of you that brings up any of the following is going to get used as a live target in my next archery lesson.

• Doyle. Don't talk about him, don't ask about him, don't discuss my kiss with him, don't even think about considering doing any of those things. In fact, don't even think about him at all when you're around me.

• Groo. It's over. He moved on. So did I. Granted my moving on was more in a 'realized I was in love with someone else then had my body stolen by a higher power' sort of way, but still. He's out of my life and he's not coming back.

• Connor. Do not, and I mean do not, go there. Period. At all. Whatsoever.

• Jasmine. See: Connor.

Also, there is this thing called a personal bubble. If Angel can figure it out and he's a complete and utter spaz in most social settings, I'm sure you all can manage it too. If you're close enough that I can smell what you had for breakfast, that is too close. Why some of you can't figure this out on your own I don't know, but I suggest you meet it, know it, love it, marry it, whatever. Just figure it out before I drop one of you like a sack of potatoes.

Now. As I said in my last post, I am willing to answer questions about other things and there are some things I'm not. I'm also willing to do my job like a good little kidnap victim and teach you how to handle a bow and arrow without killing yourself or someone around you. But, like I said. Bring up any of those topics one more time, and I'm going to string you up and put a big target on your forehead for my next lesson. And if any of you know enough about my life to know about any of those topics, you'll also know that I don't lie. So don't test me on this.

Mind your manners and I won't verbally eviscerate you. Unless that's what you want. Then you're just a freak and need to get serious mental help.

Thank you,
Cordelia Chase

P.S. And for the last time, no. I cannot make my 'cool new powers' work at will. Or my visions. Threatening to hit me with something isn't going to change that. It's just going to piss me off. So stop acting like a bunch of retarded monkeys and just be grateful that you even get to meet me.

Are people actually serious?

Okay, so it was bad enough that I heard that people thought my brother and I were in love with each other. But some people are twisted enough to actually write it? They call it 'fan-fiction'.

I'm not even going to look it up.

Apparently, I have been 'paired' with many people from my universe. The list is so disturbing that I don't really want to put it here. Dean, however, was the most disturbing there.

Oh, and all of you guys should know that apparently it exists for you, too.

Isn't that awesome? People. are. insane.

[A.I. and the Scoobies]
Anybody know anything about these vampires that have no known weaknesses? Word is they're immune to all the usuals. Not even stakes will work on them. Sounded more like gargoyles, except for the part where they drink blood. Apparently there's a group called the Cullens who possess souls, but the others sound like they could be trouble in the future.

And looks like there's a new werewolf in town. He claims to be able to control himself, but we should keep an eye out for the next full moon, just as a precaution.

[Dawn]
You all right?

Couple of things.

The name's Eliot, not Lindsey. Never been and never will be a lawyer. The law and I don't see eye to eye anyway. That happens when you're a thief. And yes, I can kill someone with a toothpick. Start asking the personal questions and I'll be happy to provide a demonstration.

Little respect and I'll be civil. That's all I'm askin'.

Okay, I literally have no idea what half these questions mean and I don't think I really care to find out. I have a son? But to set a few ground rules, my personal relationship with anyone is...personal. And they will remain personal. I would never take over Wolfram & Hart, unless it's to burn it down to the grounds, and I do not need anyone telling me what a bad idea it would be to do that. I also do not need to be told that I would be better off dusted for the safety of the world. I already tried. Didn't work, and I believe that it didn't for a reason. Don't feel entitled to a justification of my existence. No, I will not turn into a puppet (??) and trust me when I tell you that you do not ever want to 'meet' Angelus. Siring anyone is out of the questions and I don't even know why anyone would ask this I will not drink human blood, even if you're offering. As for the hair gel, I use [redacted]. I will not discuss my opinions on the Shanshu Prophecy. You're probably better off asking Wesley, but he's not here so I guess you're out of luck.

But most importantly: personal space. Martial arts is a contact sport, but if there's any more excessive groping, class is going to get cancelled a lot earlier than scheduled.

Oh, and I don't sing, date or dance.

P.S. I am here as an instructor. To instruct. Not to share two hundred odd years' worth of my life's story. But I don't mind filling instructional hours with a philosophical symposium if Petersen doesn't.

P.P.S. You can carry crosses, garlic, stakes or whatever you need to make yourself feel safe, but it's nice to be asked ahead of class.

Dear Guests.

Piss me off, and I kill you.

I had not realized that this job could be so uncomfortable.

To those guests at this establishment, I would like to address a few points so as to avoid awkward situations in the future.

I do not have minions and I am confused as to why you keep bringing up minions, ponies and the queen of England. No, you cannot be my minion. I do not want minions.

Yes I have wings, but they do not exist as a physical presence within this vessel. No, you cannot see them, as seeing even a part of my true form would burn out your eyes. Similarly, you cannot touch them because they are not tangible in this form...and I really don't want you too.

No, I do not need to be comforted over the loss of my brother or my sister, God's choice to abandon humanity, being cast from heaven, dying or Dean's...um...tendency to be a dick to me. Though I'm sure you have only good intentions, I do not need to be educated on certain more carnal aspects of humanity and I do not care if you wish to be touched by an angel. Please stop with the suggestions. And the groping.

I do not care if you think I'm coming between Dean and Sam, yelling at me will not solve anything. I can assure you that their relationship is not like that and any pejorative statements you decide apply to me will not deter me from aiding them.

Similarly, I have no desire to do anything like what you have suggested with Dean. Or with Sam. Or with Anna or Gabriel or Lucifer. And especially not with Meg. The human preoccupation with sex verges on disturbing.

Thank you.

Okay, to all of you guests out there, a word of warning. If you already know who I am, you can probably ignore this since you'd have to be some kind of idiot not to know it was coming. But here it is, just so my ass is covered.

No, I will not have a vision on command. It doesn't work like that. And even if I do have a vision? You aren't the one I'm going to tell. Period.

No, I won't explain to any of you why I've made the choices I've made in my life. Or what it felt like to have a vision, get body-jacked, or fall into a mystical coma. So don't bother asking because odds are, you aren't going to like what I have to say.

Yes, I died. I'm not supposed to be here. No, I won't tell you what dying was like. Frankly, it's a pretty freaking personal experience and none of your business.

And for the record? I am so not still in love with Xander, we're never going to be together again, and the next person that suggests it... well, let's just say I really wouldn't recommend doing that.

Now with all of that being said, I'll take pictures and I'll sign autographs and archery lessons are every four hours, starting at ten because I'm not getting up at the break of freaking dawn for anyone. I worked for a vampire for years. Trust me when I say that my body clock is nowhere even close to normal anymore. I'm also not going to kiss your asses just because you spent your cash to come here to meet me. Like I said. If you have the first idea about who I am, you'll know I don't cower to anyone and you are not going to be the first.

So now you know. If you don't like it? Find an elsewhere to be.

Wow. To think my life actually gets more messed up. Didn't even think that was possible.

Or kidnapees which seems to be a popular term at the moment. I was tempted just to let them surprise you, but guilt over things I have done thus far forced me to announce:


Our first guests are set to arrive tomorrow. Please, please, remember: They did not do this to you. I did this to you. If you need to take out aggressions take them out on me. They are innocent humans, most will not know how to respond to your anger. What if you were in their shoes? You wouldn't want your hero screaming at you for you being a fan, would you?

Thank you in advance for your cooperation, for those who do.
 
James Petersen.

Even in college I wasn't this broke.

I'm taking a ride out to see what the trails are like around here. Anyone who wants to come along is welcome. You just better be able to ride because I'm not babysitting your ass to make sure you don't fall off.

This must be some kind of a mistake.

I am so sick of doing inventory for this new job of mine. God I hope this rain stops soon.

My brother is dead

Is this truly what is happening in the world we were taken from?

I find myself troubled by certain things I have learned.

( Joanna )
I need I don't Are you busy?

It's not something you would notice right away, but as you slept I had a little Gadget added to your entertainment centers. It's a small box, smaller than the other systems there, with a remote. Every television show, every episode available at this point in time is on it. If you doubt what I said about you being characters, by all means use it. Unless you are from books, then you'll find the 'universe' your from in the basement of the main house, it is an employee only area so you will need your 'lodge' key.

Security. Security?

I'm going to find out what you are, kill you, and it's going to hurt. I really don't give a damn about the quality entertainment of messed up people. Especially in a place like this, located in the middle of no where. I have better things to do. Like keeping the world alive. Now send me back. Because they'll come for me, and I can guarantee your resort from hell won't be standing then.