InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "why do you hate me, I love you"

book_bound (book_bound) wrote in wished,
@ 2009-10-24 21:47:00

Entry tags:

!1997: 10, !complete, alfred cattermole, julien dorny

Who: Alfie & Julien
What: Julien's worried about Alfie after the attack on the Ministry
Where: 'Their' room
When: This evening
Rating: TBD

Julien had never really been worried about someone else the way he now worried about Alfie.

He'd made his way to the room that only they ever used and found it empty, having made it there first the way he'd hoped to. He wasn't sure what kind of comfort he would even be, especially because there hadn't been any news on Alfie's dad yet, and he was probably still alive. Probably. It was possible anyone.

He ran his fingers through his own hair, sighing at his inadequacies and wondering why he felt his stomach in pieces, why it felt like it was his family that were MIA (so to speak) and why he felt like nothing apart from seeing Alfie before him would make those horrible fluttering feelings inside him go away.

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alfiecat
2009-10-24 09:06 pm UTC (link)

Alfie didn't know what to do with himself. He was angry and antsy, but mostly he was scared and shaky and couldn't seem to sit still. He'd been watching for an owl from his mum ever since the Prophet this morning. Everything at Hogwarts seemed to have stopped, and let him just jump every time an owl flew in - but none had been for him.

Everyone was terrified, and everyone was crying, and Alfie mostly felt like he wanted to scream or to punch something, but he had to think about Ellie and Maisie, too, and about making sure they thought things would be okay.

When Julien had wanted to meet, he'd almost said no. He needed to stay in Hufflepuff with his sister. But he wanted to meet Julien, too. Something he didn't quite understand had to check to see that the other boy was okay. So fifteen minutes later, he found himself outside the classroom they'd found, and then he went inside.

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	book_bound 2009-10-24 09:16 pm UTC (link)
	Julien turned when he heard the door open, came up to Alfie when saw him come in and then... stopped. What was he about to do? Hug him? Something? He stopped himself before he made a fool of himself but his fingers twitched to reach out, Alfie looked so strung out. "Hey." he said softly, biting his lip. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

alfiecat
2009-10-24 09:19 pm UTC (link)

"Hey," Alfie had thought that Julien was going to hug him. He'd have welcomed that, really. He felt so tense, so shaky, but somehow he thought he'd like to have someone holding him.

He pushed the thought away and came into the room, letting the door shut behind him and then going to the window immediately to open it - just in case an owl needed in.

Then he turned to Julien, and the way he was looking him over it was like he was checking for injuries. "Are you okay?" Somehow seeing him at least took some of the worry out of him.

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book_bound
2009-10-24 09:21 pm UTC (link)

Julien watched Alfie go past to open the window and that ache he felt in his fingers to reach out spread through his arms and burned through his chest in a way he didn't understand. "I'm okay, I'm fine. Are you?" he asked, his tone still gentle and concerned in a way that he didn't even have to think about to make; it was purely natural and it felt a little strange but not bad at the same time.

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	alfiecat 2009-10-24 09:23 pm UTC (link)
	Was he? Alfie shuddered, his arms crossing over his chest. "I .... I don't." And with someone asking him directly like that, Alfie felt embarrassing tears stinging behind his eyes suddenly. "I don't know. She hasn't owled yet." Why hadn't she owled yet? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_bound 2009-10-24 09:26 pm UTC (link)
	Julien came closer because his body wouldn't let him not, hesitant but still approaching. He could hear the tears in Alfie's voice rather than see them not yet falling and it made him feel ridiculously useless. "Maybe she... maybe she's just happy that you're dad's okay so she's... not got around to it yet?" he tried, feeling that he was failing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	alfiecat 2009-10-24 09:29 pm UTC (link)
	"Or maybe something happened!" Alfie felt like yelling, but it came out an an angry, hurt sort of hiss, and he had to look away from Julien for a second because he thought he'd start crying if he kept seeing the worry there in his face. He pressed his palms to his eyes, hard, and sank down finally onto the couch. "I'm sorry." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_bound 2009-10-24 09:32 pm UTC (link)
	Julien was almost expecting the outburst and he really didn't hold it against Alfie. He sat beside his friend and tentatively reached out to put his hand on Alfie's back, rubbing gently in a way that he hoped was comforting and not annoying. "Don't have to say sorry." he murmured softly. "It'll be okay Alfie." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

alfiecat
2009-10-24 09:35 pm UTC (link)

"Unless it's not!" Alfie said it from behind his hands, not dropping them away from his eyes. He was still scared he was going to cry, and he didn't want to be that weak, even in front of a friend. But when he spoke, his words came out fast and scared and tumbling over each other.

"Unless something's happened. He's always at the Ministry that late, and sometimes she ... god, sometimes she goes to see him after hours so what if they were both...." His voice cracked, and he trailed off into silence again.

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book_bound
2009-10-24 09:41 pm UTC (link)

Julien winced because nothing he was saying was helping and he couldn't do anything to make it better. Well, he could cast a Cheering Charm but there was something about doing that to Alfie right now that made him feel a bit sick to his stomach, so he refrained. He slid his arm a little more across Alfie's shoulders though, and sat closer to him so that they were in a kind of one-armed hug. "Don't think the worst Alfie, you haven't heard anything bad OR good yet..." he tried to comfort.

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	alfiecat 2009-10-24 09:47 pm UTC (link)
	Alfie didn't say anything, because he didn't think he could, but Julien's arm around him was almost like a hug and he slumped into it - against his friend's side - even if he didn't drop his hands to look at him. "Why, though?" he asked after a minute, and he sounded more lost than anything. Why hadn't she owled back yet? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_bound 2009-10-24 09:49 pm UTC (link)
	Julien slowly eased his other arm around his friend so that he was hugging him in an awkward kind of side-cuddle, but he just held close and made sure Alfie knew he was there for him. "I don't know." he answered. "I'm sorry. I wish I did." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	alfiecat 2009-10-24 10:02 pm UTC (link)
	Alfie was shivering, but Julien felt so steady, he thought he could risk dropping his hands. He slid them through Julien's grip on him, dropped them into his lap. "I don't either," He said, a little brokenly, and that was it. He just slumped further against his friend, and somehow his forehead ended up pressed to Julien's too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_bound 2009-10-24 10:08 pm UTC (link)
	Julien rubbed his hands against Alfie like he was trying to work the shivers out with just those, so worried for his friend that he didn't notice that Alfie had come in so close to him until his friend was up against him almost face to face. He lifted a hand and petted through Alfie's hair, not saying a word because there wasn't really anything he could say. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	alfiecat 2009-10-25 10:13 pm UTC (link)
	Alfie squeezed his eyes shut again, a sound that was halfway between a whimper and a hiccup caught in his throat. When he spoke again it was to mumble a 'thanks', but he didn't move away from Julien at all, and when Julien started petting his hair, he sunk in against him even closer. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	book_bound 2009-10-25 10:23 pm UTC (link)
	Julien held still and steady and let Alfie collapse in against him, his fingers still moving almost tenderly through dark curls, no response to the thanks because none was needed, just sitting quiet and being there for his best friend. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

alfiecat
2009-10-25 10:26 pm UTC (link)

Alfie had to fight for a moment to control his breathing, he was panting and felt almost like he'd hyperventilate and he had to force himself to breathe deep, to try to calm down. That same whimpered sound came again, and he gave up doing anything other than trying to breathe and shuddering there to keep back tears for a few minutes.

But Julien's fingers sliding that way through his hair helped, and after a few minutes breathing came easier, and his shoulders could relax. "Feel like an idiot," He mumbled, finally.

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	book_bound 2009-10-25 10:31 pm UTC (link)
	Julien didn't let go, maybe eased back a bit so that Alfie could breathe easier. He felt his friend relax and was somewhat relieved for him. "You're not, there's nothing idiotic about being upset after... after that." Julien reassured him. "I think you're being very brave." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	alfiecat 2009-10-25 10:33 pm UTC (link)
	Alfie snorted a half-laugh that was humorless but that said pretty clearly that he didn't believe a word of that, but he said 'thanks' anyway, and then shifted a little, turned accidentally but enough that it slid his mouth against Julien's jaw like he was trying to nuzzle in closer against him. He froze as soon as it happened, afraid to move. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

book_bound
2009-10-25 10:36 pm UTC (link)

Julien felt Alfie's mouth against his face, didn't know it was just a mistake of turning, an accident, and felt himself tense, scared and... exhilarated? He felt Alfie still and that more than anything had him reacting, afraid that Alfie would break away from him, and Julien felt so confused and scared by what he thought was a kiss, felt terrible for Alfie and wanted to make him feel like there was some kind of light at the end of the tunnel... turned his head a little towards his friend and kissed back, short, closed mouthed, dry-lipped but still a kiss on the mouth, returning what he thought he'd gotten.

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alfiecat
2009-10-25 10:42 pm UTC (link)

Alfie should have been able to move - when Julien started to turn his head Alfie could have pulled away, apologized, but just barely, accidentally kissing his jaw had been like a jolt of electricity straight through him, and he'd never felt anything like that. So he was frozen, and he couldn't move, even when Julien was obviously turning to push him away...

Except then Julien was kissing him. Actually kissing him. And Alfie had been so frozen, so still, but at that he could move again - to kiss him back, to push into that kiss, inept as he was, and try.

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book_bound
2009-10-25 10:48 pm UTC (link)

His very, very first kiss and Alfie was just kissing back, trying to deepen it. Julien had no idea what he was doing, didn't know if Alfie did, only knew that his friend(?) had kissed a girl before and did he match up to it, was he worse, why was Alfie even kissing him, he couldn't be interested in him, surely, not, not Alfie and, not with how different they were, with how attractive and sweet and funny and kind Alfie was... Julien pulled back looking a little bit startled, his tongue immediately going to lick his lips where he could still taste Alfie against them.

"I-I'm sorry." he stammered, but didn't let go. "We shouldn't.. you, you're upset and I, I'm taking advantage of it and, and..." and something else, something other than how badly he wanted to kiss Alfie again, even if he was crap at it. "You can't be thinking right, it's just you're upset and I'm comforting you and that's all..." Right? Right... Alfie would never be attracted to him.

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alfiecat
2009-10-25 10:53 pm UTC (link)

Alfie's hand somehow found the back of Julien's neck and he tried to pull him back into the kiss, maybe clinging a little desperately as he tried, when Julien pulled away. It had just felt so damn good, and everything else right now was horrible and terrifying and that had just felt like ... like summer, or light, or laughing. There in the middle of all of it.

But then Julien was talking, stammering over his words, and Alfie didn't hear all of it over how hard his heart was suddenly pounding but he heard 'taking advantage' and he heard that they shouldn't, and he heard that he was thinking right - and it was like ice water. Like Julien had slapped him. And he let go of him suddenly and jumped up, shaking, from the sofa like he'd been stabbed.

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book_bound
2009-10-25 10:57 pm UTC (link)

Julin tensed up further as Alfie held the back of his neck and he found his own breathing speeding up even though Alfie was the one upset here, but if it was because he was more afraid or something else he wasn't sure.

The cold that rushed in where Alfie had been lying into him made him huddle up on the couch, looking down at his knees as Alfie hurried to get space between them. He'd done something he shouldn't have, hadn't he... he'd kissed Alfie because, because his feelings had told him to, had been telling him to do so for some time if he was correct, and Alfie had just been reaching out for comfort and Julien had... he shuddered now, feeling sick at himself. "I'm sorry, I-" he started, but didn't know how to end.

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alfiecat
2009-10-25 11:00 pm UTC (link)

"Fine!" Alfie yelled it when he didn't mean to, but he wanted to cut Julien off. He didn't want to hear him apologize or say how wrong it had been. How bad it had been. He didn't want Julien to say anything because somehow that had been wonderful even in the middle of everything, and Alfie didn't want to lose that.

Except that Julien did. Obviously did. And Alfie mumbled a broken sort of 'fine' again and didn't even look at him as he ran out of the room.

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book_bound
2009-10-25 11:02 pm UTC (link)

If it had been any other sort of day, if what had just happened hadn't happened, then Julien might have left Alfie, might have let him run away.

As it was, Julien was still sick with worry and even the faux pas of his kiss couldn't prevent him tailing the other boy; he'd prefer to be there and have Alfie yell at him rather than have Alfie be on his own doing who knew what.

"Alfie!" he called, out, following his friend. Fuck but the Hufflepuff was fast. "Alfie, stop!"

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alfiecat
2009-10-25 11:07 pm UTC (link)

Alfie was fast. He had long legs, and he liked to run, and even panting and shaking he was down stairwells and out of the main doors of the castle (past a prefect who'd yelled at him slow down) and halfway to the Quidditch Pitch before his chest was burning too much for him to go on - and the air was cold around him, suddenly, and he didn't know where he'd been headed anyway, and it was dark but it wasn't dangerous since the Death Eaters and every monster he could think of were after his parents, and not him, and suddenly it didn't matter where he'd been going, because he couldn't see to go anywhere past the tears that finally started to fall.

He crumpled down just where he was, behind an old pillar on the grounds, and pulled his legs to his chest, crying into his knees.

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book_bound
2009-10-25 11:11 pm UTC (link)

The only reason Julien managed to find Alfie after all that was because he flung a tracking spell Alfie's way just before the other boy disappeared down a stairwell and out of sight. Although he wasn't unfit per se, Julien was a bookish type, didn't like to even venture outside most of the time and thus had no way in hell of keeping up with Alfie, longer legs and all.

By the time he'd literally tracked the boy down he saw him huddled up and sobbing, the sight immediately making an echo pang of pain in Julien's chest. He approached tentatively, unsure if his presence would be wanted anymore considering what he'd done, the boundary he'd broken through... but Alfie was so miserable, Julien couldn't bear not to do what he did next. Settle himself down beside Alfie and slowly, unsurely, put a hand on his arm.

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	alfiecat 2009-10-25 11:13 pm UTC (link)
	Alfie didn't cry often, couldn't remember the last time he had, but this was coming in miserable sobs and at first he almost didn't feel the other boy there beside him, but the hand on his arm made him tense, flinch, and he didn't have to look up to know who it was. "Go away," he mumbled, and it sounded just as broken as he had in the classroom. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

book_bound
2009-10-25 11:17 pm UTC (link)

Julien pulled back, feeling wounded but reprimanding himself for doing so, knowing that it was the least he deserved. An apology was on his lips too, but he didn't think he should voice it either.

He got up and moved away from Alfie, but he didn't move out of eyesight, just sat himself down on the ground a little way aways and watched the other boy out of the corner of his eye, not even facing him to try and give him some privacy but unable to leave him completely on his own. He curled an arm around his own knees and started tugging up the grass the way he'd done that day out in the forest.

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