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Tweak says, "we're not were its not it's"

Helena Wells has "disappeared" with the Astrolabe (ismellapples) wrote in wariscomingcom,
@ 2012-08-23 02:15:00

Entry tags:

andrea rojas, claudia donovan, clint barton/hawkeye, cole turner, damien thorn, faith lehane, guy of gisborne, harry lockhart, helena g. wells, jacen solo, jaime lannister, john watson, natasha romanoff/black widow, oliver queen/green arrow, pete lattimer, robin hood, ruby winchester, tess mercer

[Filtered against evil, Katherine and Gaia]

Hypothetically, say someone had thoughts of publishing a book while here. What are the chances it would attract too much attention?

Also on a separate note, I wish to make an offer I made some time ago ~~I just got side-tracked by the bastard Irishman trying to kill me and Myka and dealing with my daughter's death~~. I had made the offer of installing an anti-gravity trap within the main entrance of the complex for added security in the event we are attacked by things like those Autons again and some try to get inside the complex for some reason. The anti-gravity trap basically renders an area devoid of gravity, causing anyone and anything within it's range to be stuck to the ceiling when it is activated. If anyone is fearful of potentially getting caught within the area of effect, I can easily make your shoes magnetic so you wouldn't be affected.

If anyone not living at the complex would like me to install one, or more, within their residence, I would be more than happy to oblige.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I would not do this without consent from everyone. It was a thought I had when we were confronted with a mass attack that the usual magical wards do not protect against.

For those who do not know me, I am Helena Wells, better known as H. G. Wells. Yes, that H. G. Wells.

[Filtered to non-evil aligned characters that have killed in cold blood/taken lives on purpose]

This topic is hard to approach, but I do not think I am the only one here who has a dark past in this regard. Is it ever possible to get the inner darkness under control again? Provided control was able to be exerted before, of course.

[OOC: Also to all in House Warehouse, tonight you were serenaded by angry/dark music. So there's probably some of Beethoven's heavier symphonies, "In the Hall of the Mountain King" from Peer Gynt, among other things that I'm too lazy to look up right now.]

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Andrea

ismellapples
2012-08-24 04:19 am UTC (link)

It is also the kind of journey where you are the only one who can truly wage the war within, but it is a journey that cannot be completed if you do not have the proper people around you to support you, to understand what it is that you're going through. You are not a bad literary device, far from it, actually. I wish to get to the easier stage of controlling myself. Despite knowing if the right stressors are presented I will lose all control regardless of any amount of control I have, I do not like the feeling of being a, what's the phrase, a loose canon?

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H.G.

avengingwarrior
2012-08-24 11:12 pm UTC (link)

~~See, I'm not good at that~~ ~~I learned how to figure it out but two years back home, with mostly nightmares of this place ... it's easier not to give help, and even much easier not to ask for it. But, still, sometimes I~~ Do you have those people? ~~Hold onto them with everything you have. Because even though it'll hurt like a perra when~~ ~~if, if yo~~ ~~I'm not entirely good at the relationship advice giving~~ ~~I think that I've actually gotten~~ If you feel like you're going to break or explode or lose yourself, focus on them. Focus on those people - your family, your friends, the people you care about. Focus on the things that you've done, the good things that you've accomplished. And you have accomplished that. I don't know you but ~~I've read~~ I saw the video, you're brilliant. And you have people who enjoy being with you. Take those things and let them be what keeps you steady.

Control is something that I can sort of help with. First off, don't stab yourself in the foot before anything has happened. You might have lost control the last time the right stressors appeared but that doesn't mean you will this time. You've come further from that haven't you? You're strong. I'm not saying delude yourself but it's this crazy balance of being cautious yet not overly doubtful. If I knew the secret to that, I would give it to you. I just know that you have to ... work on it and want it. It's like I said before. It's ~~painfully and stupidly like everything else.~~ Day by day. You want it and it'll happen. ~~It's both as simple and difficult as that~~

Unfortunately, there will be something, sooner or later, that puts you on edge. ~~Or you'll start~~ That wants to take you over, let those people and things I mentioned, reel you back in. Because you might feel like a loose canon but you are more than that. I'm not saying that it'll happen quickly - which I'm sure you know - ~~but think of what you could~~ but it will happen. You. Just. Don't. Quit. It's one of those frustrating things that happen with time. I hope that makes even the smallest bit of sense.

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Andrea

ismellapples
2012-08-25 01:12 am UTC (link)

Yes, I do, which is why I'm not currently trying to make the entire planet feel my fury and my pain. But even with having them, I know I also cannot put so much on them. I know they would and do help, but it is not fair to completely rely on only them to get me through this, to keep me from losing it again. So I am also trying to channel the feelings into other things as well to try and help as well. It used to work, long ago before I gave up trying to keep myself in check. ~~You saw~~ ~~Well at least I don't have to have that conversation~~ ~~No doubt it obliterated your view of who H. G. Wells was~~ Thank you, and I do have people that enjoy being with me, I just need to remind myself of that. It is sometimes easy to forget that when you have been the villain for the majority of your life. But the love I have for them and the care they have for me is what balances me and keeps me focused.

No, it doesn't mean I'll lose control this time, but the danger and capacity to lose control is still there. But I know my limits, I know what I can take and what I can't, which is a start. I like to think I have come further from that, but it also was not simply a case of a sociopath pressing my stressors on me until I finally broke. But soon after I did break was the anniversary of my daughter's death, so I had all of those memories and feelings on top of the ones I had from losing control. But I am still here, I am still standing, so that has to count for something. I just feel like I am drowning within my emotions most days. But I do want to find that balance, to be able to again control myself. It will just be a slow process to get there, but as long as I keep moving, I will get there. And I do welcome any assistance you can lend, Andrea.

Oh it makes a lot of sense, do not worry. It is a constant struggle, but perseverance is what one needs in order to come out on the right side of this. As frustrating as it is, the alternative to not fighting for control is far worse.

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H.G.

avengingwarrior
2012-08-25 07:01 pm UTC (link)

~~I can definitely understand that. But some~~ ~~Balancing~~ You're right. ~~It takes a while for me to rely on people, so I can't give any suggestions there. But you seem~~ You seem to know the equilibrium - at least it was something that you know to do. Knowing how, even if you've fallen off and stopped, has to be a bit ... less frustrating, less complicated - I guess - than figuring it out for the first time. However, helpful that might be. That's actually something that I'm a big on advocating - ~~distraction~~ doing meaningful work. It doesn't have to be something big - usually I just clean a lot - but I think that being productive helps a lot. Little projects, a new hobby, a job that you can be proud of. Those sort of things. ~~Vill~~ ~~What~~ ~~How do you~~ ~~How~~ It takes time away, can even calm you or at least have things not feel or seem so sharp, and something is accomplished. Something positive and helpful.

I don't think it ever goes away. Unfortunately. That capacity to lose control. It is a helpful start. Knowing what line not to cross. Oh ~~That. I can't even~~ ~~If it were me, I don't know if I could~~ ~~If I had someone like Lionel Luthor pushing me over my mother's death. I'd~~ ~~I wouldn't regre~~ That you're still standing is everything. From that? It accounts for a lot. ~~Living~~ ~~Reliv~~ Believe me. ~~I shut them down. It's easier to be more~~ ~~I'm sure that it'll backfire even~~ ~~Even with tha~~ I know what you mean. I remember the months ~~after~~ ~~after~~ ~~aft~~ ~~Well. This conver~~ I after I lost my mother - it was a wild swinging between drowning and feeling like nothing was there. Some days it felt like too much, everything was too much, and they fit perfectly with the moments when it felt like I wasn't doing enough to make what happened to her right. I don't think those emotions go away, either, but it does become easier to ~~smile at the camera, so to speak, and some days even mean it~~ feel normal. I can say that much, I think. I mean, I know it's different for everyone but I - from experience - can say that while you never forget, of course not, it isn't every single thought. I ~~Really? Are~~ ~~You sure about that. Because I can give you reasons why~~ I'll try my best. I definitely will. ~~I can~~ ~~I wouldn't wish~~ ~~As painful as this conversation is, it's weirdly ... cathartic? I don't even know, but it's good to find someone who understands~~ ~~Then I thought Clark understood and that backfired in my face - in a good way~~

Perseverance is luckily my middle name. I've got boatloads of it, probably enough to spare. It really is. ~~I might not know if I'd regret ever killing another criminal - but I know I sure as hell don't want, or need, the guilt of someone coming in the cross-fire of my blind~~ And I think that, the results of that control are better, not just for us but for those around us.

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Andrea

ismellapples
2012-08-26 06:03 am UTC (link)

The only trouble is that what I know used to work, doesn't have the potency I need to help put myself back into equilibrium, so I am trying to find other ways to achieve it. I have been working on new scientific projects and inventions. Playing the piano. I've had offers of learning some meditation techniques. I will truthfully try anything and everything to help me find the peace within again. I know a form of martial arts, perhaps learning a second may be something to do?

I am sorry for your loss, truly, that is a pain unlike any other. In many ways, I am still reeling from my daughter's murder, and that occurred one hundred and twenty years ago. No, it isn't every thought, though it is very frequently on my mind. I do not wish to pry as it is a sensitive subject, but does the pain become any less potent? I still feel it as sharply today as I did the day Christina died. That was why I ended up building a time machine. I tried to change the past, to save her. But I...I couldn't. I didn't get to her in time. So, truthfully, the day Christina died was a day I lived through twice, which only makes the pain that much worse. Thank you, Andrea, I truly appreciate it more than I could ever hope to express. I am truly hoping for the day to come when it is easier, when it does not feel like it's a chore to even breathe.

Perseverance is something that I lack a bit of. Having some extra perseverance around would not be a bad thing. Everyone can use it. I do agree with that, I have seen the effect my trying to keep control has had on those around me.

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H.G.

avengingwarrior
2012-08-29 10:28 pm UTC (link)

Can I ask what used to work for you? I think that would be a great idea. For me, I used to do gymnastics and I've been working on taking that back.

Twice? I'm so ~~I can't even imagi~~ I don't even have the words to say that -- you're really stronger than you give yourself credit for. ~~Because I couldn't~~ Moving forward once, has been hard enough, I don't think that I could get through it a second time. And to answer your questions, yes, sometimes. I'm less of a wreck on Mother's Day and her birthday. I think saying that it's better directed? That might be more accurate. And a lot of my decisions, still, tend to be based on what I think would make her proud. I think the pain - I don't want to say is duller because it's not. At least it doesn't feel like it. It still colors, you could say even drives ~~because I'm still the Angel of Vengeance, even if it's become not as primary, and that was for her~~, a lot of who I am - but for the better. There are moment when it consumes me - my thoughts, my actions - but it does become ~~less dominant~~ ~~less negatively dominant~~ less of a pressure. You'll be able to breath again, that's for sure. I didn't think I would be able to either but it's happening, if a little slowly and uncertainly.

You'll find it. People are usually stronger than they feel. Especially those who've been pushed down by circumstance and life. If you ever need to talk, no matter what time it is, I'm around. Me too. ~~It's one of the reasons that I pushed my friends away~~

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Andrea

ismellapples
2012-08-30 12:39 am UTC (link)

I learned the martial art of kenpo. I channeled the feelings and urges into my writing and my inventing. The War of the Worlds was born from an especially...violent and chaotic period of my life. ~~That was after I failed to save Christina using my time machine~~ I used my job as well, though that part only made everything worse once Christina died.

I truly feel anything but strong, but considering I am alive right now, that speaks to that, perhaps. Honestly, when bending the laws of time itself to save Christina failed, that was truly more than I could take. It pushed me further down a road that ultimately led me to nearly committing genocide against the human race. Though at least as you have experienced the pain to become less of a pressure, that does give me some hope that perhaps it will lessen for myself now that I am choosing to feel the pain instead of ignore it. That is largely how life is, moving forward with uncertainty because one never knows what is lurking just around the corner, but moving forward is truly the only way one can live.

Thank you, truly. And if you ever need to talk, regardless of the time, I'm here as well. It is a most difficult road, but it is made easier knowing one is not completely alone in the journey.

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