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phil coulson isn't angry; he's just disappointed. (disappointeddad) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2015-02-24 15:17:00

Entry tags:

grant ward, phil coulson

WHO: Phil Coulson & Grant Ward
WHAT: Civility was promised. Civility will be had. And proper conversations are better when you can see the other person.
WHEN: The day after this; Noon
WHERE: A Park
RATING: TBA

Coulson honestly wasn't sure how to feel anymore. His own feelings were confused by the various protests he'd encountered, the perspectives and opinions of people he actually cared about and respected overlaying themselves over his skepticism, and the new information that he was still working on incorporating into his understanding of the situation. The fact was, even with all of that, Phil didn't feel any less hurt, any less angry, than he had before he'd arrived. He understood better, perhaps, an issue that had been bugging him for months at least somewhat resolved, but it was still going to be a struggle to figure out which emotion to act on and how to cope with the various conflicts arising in him.

But he's promised Natasha civility and no matter what else occurred, that much he figured he could manage without too much strain.

The small pistol that he'd come in with had been left behind, the first trust in what was bound to be a long road, and as Phil settled himself on the bench that he'd been directed to in order to wait, he tried to ignore the anxiety that was building in him. Speaking with Ward had been easier, simpler, with the gulf imposed by technology there as a buffer. All Coulson could hope for now was that seeing the man's face wouldn't provoke an impulsive urge to punch him in the face.

That was... not civil.

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disappointeddad
2015-03-03 01:29 am UTC (link)

Coulson was on his feet that second that he saw Ward approaching. He wasn't entirely sure how to eel about the sight of the other man. He looked... different than when he'd seen him last, but in a way that was achingly familiar to what he had been used to. There had been something about the beard and even about the shaved head that he'd had when he'd stepped on the plane that had given Coulson comfort, allowed him to disassociate the man that Ward had become since the reveal from the man that he had worked with, but it seemed like here, he wouldn't be getting that convenience.

"I said I would," Coulson said, shifting his gaze over the man in front of him and shifting uncomfortably, hands slipping into his pockets as he hunched his shoulders forward. "Unlike some people, my word is actually worth something."

It was a petty shot, but even with everything, Coulson still had a few buried emotions that were scratching at him to be let out. And as far as Phil was concerned, that didn't exactly go against being civil, per say, as it wouldn't surprise him if Ward was aching to take similar potshots.

"Do you want to check to make sure I'm unarmed, or can we just assume that we were both smart enough not to even consider putting civilians at risk?" Phil asked.

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notanazi
2015-03-04 09:51 am UTC (link)

Ward appreciated that it was going to be like this. Petty, awkward in places, generally a mess neither of them could prevent. But there was a lot still to be discussed even given what Coulson now knew about Garrett and how things had gone. Maybe more because of that fact. They had a lot to discuss and ultimately neither of them wanted the fight. Neither wanted Skye to hurt or to feel put in the middle. So that was common ground at least.

"You did say you would. But then I have some trust issues. And my word when it comes to Skye means enough, so lets go with that."

He didn't push the comment any further. He could have, there was a lot he could have said but this wasn't the time for that. If Coulson kept pushing him of course, that might change, but for now. He could have his little victory. "I'm going to assume you're unarmed. If you're not I'm betting I could put you down if I needed to and I really doubt you'd do anything publicly. Why do you think I went for the open meet."

He shrugged and altered his stance slightly, just a little more casually. "So, where do we start?" he asked curiously. "You want to rant clearly, so rant."

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disappointeddad
2015-03-04 10:19 am UTC (link)

Coulson just smiled at Ward's 'bet', quietly making a note to maybe show the other man exactly what he was capable of when he wasn't the one issuing orders. He hadn't survived being a field agent for over thirty years just because he blended well into the background. That had helped, sure, especially in undercover assignments, but Phil liked to consider himself just as capable as any field agent of his rank even if he hadn't really had the opportunity to utilize those skills since New Mexico.

Ward was right about one thing, though. He did want to rant. There were a lot of things built up in Coulson's head, things that were all reflecting off and conflicting with one another, and it was making him antsy especially now that Ward was in front of him. But one thing about Coulson was that he did have a modicum of restraint most of the time, so he moved, motioning for the bench that he'd vacated. "This is probably going to take awhile. I imagine we both have plenty to say." The polite thing probably would have been to wait for Ward to sit down first, but Coulson wasn't feeling particularly polite right now. And if Ward wanted to keep standing, that was fine by him.

Looking up at Ward, Coulson turned everything over in his head, searching for the right way to start off amongst the clutter and confusion and anger, and taking a slow, deep breath, finally decided to start off the the easiest, simplest, and most painful truth of the whole thing.

"I liked you."

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notanazi
2015-03-04 12:22 pm UTC (link)

He'd liked him. It wasn't surprising. Everyone had liked him.

"That was the point." he said bluntly. "Make myself what you could fix. Someone who needed a purpose, someone who needed a team but fought against the idea." It had been the only way in and he'd taken it without hesitation. Of course it hadn't gone as planned. "I was there to find out how you'd surrvived. The one thing John didn't know. I wasn't there to cross you off, it was recon. But then I got to know you all and in some ways, yeah, I liked you back. All of you. And there was Skye. A weakness." he said, even then unconciously chiding himself for being as weak as John had always said much as Skye repeatedly told him otherwise.

Skye had changed a lot for him, but not enough to make him turn away from John. Besides what could he have said. If he'd mentioned HYDRA no one would have believed it and he'd have been dead before anyone could confirm it. And HYDRA were already stronger. It wouldn't have changed anything except it would be just another weakness.

"It got messy. And I hate messy. I knew my mission and yet I felt like finally I had people that gave a damn. You think I just killed Hand and evil laughed my way to the Fridge? It was harder than I thought it would be but then killing shouldn't be easy. I just...I had orders."

He finally sat down. Still not sure why he'd stood up for all that but very aware he wasn't ready to sit yet. This caring and sharing crap. It was for Skye. He was here for her. And so was Coulson.

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disappointeddad
2015-03-04 11:01 pm UTC (link)

"I didn't think that," Coulson said, giving Ward a sideways glance. "I never thought that." He'd been angry, sure. Few people weren't when they were deceived and betrayed, but he'd never assumed that Ward was a cackling HYDRA maniac. Even if most of what he'd seen had been a lie, he had told himself that Ward was better than that, better than to hurt any of them. It had only been after Fury had brought back Fitz and Simmons that that idea had been temporarily wiped from his mind and rage had taken over. Rage, mingled with desperation and confusion, and heartache. Because he'd lost so much in those moments, his life, his career, his best friend, that losing someone he'd thought of as family had been more than he could taken and still remain levelheaded.

And still, as much as it had been a lie, there was something in the whole thing that prodded at Coulson, "You didn't have to try very hard to make yourself into that person, though, did you?" He asked. Coulson had been an agent for a very long time. Even if he wasn't one and never had been, he knew how the best undercover operatives, the ones who excelled at espionage without even blinking an eye, operated. There was a little bit of truth in every cover. But here, Coulson honestly had to wonder exactly where the cover had stopped, and Ward had began. Or if there had never even been that much differentiation to begin with. "It isn't a weakness," Coulson asserted quietly. "Caring is a strength, Ward. I can drive you to do things that you never would have been able to before, that you never would have even thought about doing," He said, allowing that to settle before a quietly sympathetic look passed over his features. "Would you have even done half the stuff you did for John if you hadn't cared about him?"

It was a painful question, and it was even more painful to think about that this had all been because of him being revived, because John hadn't had the clearance to know about what had happened, and that he'd decided to use the most extreme way to find out. "You know the stupidest thing about all of this is that once we found out, if John had just asked, I would have told him," Coulson said, folding his hands in his lap and looking down at them. It had been a shock to him, horrifying, to realize exactly what had brought him back to life. But he wouldn't have even considered not sharing that with someone he'd considered a friend. "I wouldn't have even thought twice about it. He didn't need to send in a spy to information gather, to force the issue. All he would have had to have done is waited and shown up once the information came to light."

Not that any of that mattered anymore, but it was one of a multitude of things that Coulson had to get out of his head. "When I was sitting outside your cell. Those weeks that I did it. I was desperate for you to tell me something that would make it all better, something that would give me reason to stop hating you."

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notanazi
2015-03-08 01:36 am UTC (link)

He hadn't had to try hard. At first maybe he'd seen them as a bunch of misfits, trusting Rising Tide hackers, making rookie mistakes. But they'd grown on him. He hadn't expected that and in the end it had made it harder when he had to break away from that. Caring about them. The weakness John had talked about. He'd felt it when he'd let that med pod drop. Everytime he had looked at Skye, fighting May, when Coulson had ranted at him after May was done. When he couldn't even answer for himself.

"I owed him." he said quickly, not thinking about caring, because he had. Of course he had. John had given him a chance and he'd done everything since to make him proud. That maybe one day he wouldn't be a disappointment like he had been to everyone else in his life. "He got me out of a hell, if that's caring then I guess I did. And you know I cared about the team. I didn't want to do what I did, but what I wanted didn't matter." Finding out John could have just asked Coulson and gotten his answers Ward laughed, he couldn't help it, it was all so messed up eventually you just had to laugh.

"He'd never have asked. Not ever. He didn't think like that, it was something he'd have to find out through me, You were friends, sure, but you didn't know the man I knew. He kept that hidden. He'd never have trusted your word. You were Fury's."

Going over it all again, thinking about the John Garrett that had been here and almost being thankful Coulson had missed it. He remembered the cell, Coulson's questions. He'd stayed quiet, focused, he'd drawn in on himself. Gone to a place he'd gotten very good at retreating to when he didn't want to think. And stated clearly he would only talk to Skye.

"It was a lot of things. I was hurting. You know that, the things I did, what I tried to do...I wanted it done. Over. I was a pawn for you, an asset to get information out of it and you know, I expected you'd send someone to get the answers the hard way. I was prepared for that. But you just kept asking me why and what could I tell you? It was the mission. It was for a reason you couldn't understand, it was loyalty to the man who'd saved my life. You couldn't have believed that. So I stayed quiet. Ready for whatever was gonna come. But nothing did. And then I thought maybe if I talked to Skye, maybe she'd listen. Maybe she'd see past what had happened. So I could tell her things. Tell her what she needed to know and it meant I'd get to see her. It meant that maybe someday she'd let me help her."

He couldn't make eye contact with the other man so instead looked out over the park. "It was never about forgiveness. I wanted Skye to have her answers. I made her a promise."

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disappointeddad
2015-03-08 02:13 am UTC (link)

Coulson had let Ward talk, even in the moment when he's wanted to chime in, to tell him that he hadn't owed Garrett anything, that he'd read Ward's file, more than just what was fabricated, and that he had gotten himself to where he was all on his own. That every mission, every success that had stacked up enough to make him a viable option for their team had been his and his alone, that Garrett had had nothing to do with any of it. But as it was, this was the most that Phil could remember Ward talking, ever, and the last thing he wanted to do was something that would make him feel like he couldn't express himself without being 'corrected'.

When the things he was saying had settled, though, Coulson had spared a sideways glance at Ward, his expression reflecting a pained amusement before he shook his head, "I would have understood," It was a simple thing. Odd to think about in the long run, but Phil knew he would have. He would have understood better than Ward could eve imagine because, "If she ever shows up, I should have May tell you about how I used to act around Nick when we were younger," Coulson said with a slight laugh.

It wasn't anywhere near the same situation. No. Garrett had dragged Ward out of horrors, only to throw him directly into more, and Nick, while Nick had taken him from a relatively calm home life, what he'd offered had been a family and a home that Coulson had always dreamed of, one where he wasn't isolated and alone most of the time, where he had plenty of people to rely on, plenty of people to trust in. And he had been more than willing to do anything Nick had asked of him early on.

And maybe even now, if he thought about it too hard.

"I wanted to understand," Coulson said, frowning to himself. "For awhile, I did. You can never change what's happened, but sometimes, putting a rhyme and reason to it eases the worst of the pain. But with HYDRA... None of it makes any sense to me. Then, now, I can't understand what would drive someone to side with them when SHIELD's the other option."

Of course, Phil had also always been blind to SHIELD's faults, not willing or sometimes able to recognize the issues or questionable tendencies in a lot of their actions. It was a perspective that came with a 'trust the system' attitude. And something that he had only just been starting to notice when everything had fallen apart around him, and he'd been handed the reins.

And now he was the System. And people questioning him ended up getting others killed. How in the world had Nick stood it for so long?

"But then you started..." Phil paused, swallowing hard and trying to ignore the sick feeling that bubbled up in his stomach as he thought back on his reaction to what had happened. "You started trying to kill yourself, and I wrote you off. I shouldn't have.... I shouldn't have, but everything I knew, everything I'd ever read, it told me that was what HYDRA did. They'd rather die than betray their cause, and on top of you not telling me anything. It seemed more like protocol than a cry for help."

Shaking his head to clear out that thought, Coulson sighed, reaching over and settling a hand on Ward's arm, "You did make her a promise. I could have respected that, wanting her to know what none of the rest of us did, but you fulfilled it in the worst way possible." Kidnapping? Dragging her into a HYDRA infested base? It wasn't exactly the best way to 'rebuild trust' as it were. "What did you really expect to happen?"

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notanazi
2015-03-18 12:04 pm UTC (link)

Maybe he would have understood. It was possible. Maybe he would have found out the whole story. But how could he have told him any of this before HYDRA revealed itself. And after that, in the cell. He'd lost everything. Everything but Skye. And he'd had to bargin to even see her. Even if she hated him, those glimpses, they'd meant the world. As for May showing up, that really was the last thing Ward wanted, the woman despised him and had changed Skye. Or maybe that had been him. Maybe it had been the betrayal.

"What could you have understood? You trusted John. And he betrayed you. And then I did the same thing in his name. How would you have understood? I was easy to blame. I was there, and yeah, I guess I was acting like a good little brainwashed minion wasn't I? But you didn't see, because no one could. Because caring was a weakness, mourning him was a weakness too and I'd already failed him enough. You can't have expected me to tell you all that when all I knew was that you hated me but knew enough to know I'd have some good intel. That intel, it was all I had left. And even that nearly wasn't enough."

Ward shrugged at the mention of what he'd done. It had been the worst time he'd ever lived. Worse than the woods, worse than all of it. He didn't exactly want to go in to detail, but he thought maybe being honest would go better for him. Maybe being honest would actually mean he had an ally here and not an enemy. Coulson had set him up as someone to despise. Another HYDRA agent because that was easy. Because he could blame Ward for the things John couldn't answer for anyomore.

"It wasn't a cry for help either. I wanted to die. Not for any cause. Not for HYDRA but because I wasn't worth life. Because death was easier and because without John I didn't know who I was. I'm starting to know who I am, it took time. It took mistakes, but its starting to come together. But there was nothing I could have done differently back then."

Skye though.

Skye and her father.

"He's insane. He is. There's no denying that. But he loves her. She was taken from him as a baby and he lost his wife. And not just lost her, she...god, by all accounts she was torn apart, shredded. Whitehall used her abilities to prolong his own life. Cut out her organs, everything useful. I thought Skye needed to know. Thought she deserved her answers.. I was gonna keep her safe. I did keep her safe...up till..."

And of course the gunshots. Frankly the last thing he wanted to discuss. Ever.

"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I am. For Fitzsimmons. But Koening, Hand? That was doing what I had to do, no more, no less. That was no more than any SHIELD agent would have done to their opposite number."

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