Maybe he would have understood. It was possible. Maybe he would have found out the whole story. But how could he have told him any of this before HYDRA revealed itself. And after that, in the cell. He'd lost everything. Everything but Skye. And he'd had to bargin to even see her. Even if she hated him, those glimpses, they'd meant the world. As for May showing up, that really was the last thing Ward wanted, the woman despised him and had changed Skye. Or maybe that had been him. Maybe it had been the betrayal.
"What could you have understood? You trusted John. And he betrayed you. And then I did the same thing in his name. How would you have understood? I was easy to blame. I was there, and yeah, I guess I was acting like a good little brainwashed minion wasn't I? But you didn't see, because no one could. Because caring was a weakness, mourning him was a weakness too and I'd already failed him enough. You can't have expected me to tell you all that when all I knew was that you hated me but knew enough to know I'd have some good intel. That intel, it was all I had left. And even that nearly wasn't enough."
Ward shrugged at the mention of what he'd done. It had been the worst time he'd ever lived. Worse than the woods, worse than all of it. He didn't exactly want to go in to detail, but he thought maybe being honest would go better for him. Maybe being honest would actually mean he had an ally here and not an enemy. Coulson had set him up as someone to despise. Another HYDRA agent because that was easy. Because he could blame Ward for the things John couldn't answer for anyomore.
"It wasn't a cry for help either. I wanted to die. Not for any cause. Not for HYDRA but because I wasn't worth life. Because death was easier and because without John I didn't know who I was. I'm starting to know who I am, it took time. It took mistakes, but its starting to come together. But there was nothing I could have done differently back then."
Skye though.
Skye and her father.
"He's insane. He is. There's no denying that. But he loves her. She was taken from him as a baby and he lost his wife. And not just lost her, she...god, by all accounts she was torn apart, shredded. Whitehall used her abilities to prolong his own life. Cut out her organs, everything useful. I thought Skye needed to know. Thought she deserved her answers.. I was gonna keep her safe. I did keep her safe...up till..."
And of course the gunshots. Frankly the last thing he wanted to discuss. Ever.
"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I am. For Fitzsimmons. But Koening, Hand? That was doing what I had to do, no more, no less. That was no more than any SHIELD agent would have done to their opposite number."