He hadn't had to try hard. At first maybe he'd seen them as a bunch of misfits, trusting Rising Tide hackers, making rookie mistakes. But they'd grown on him. He hadn't expected that and in the end it had made it harder when he had to break away from that. Caring about them. The weakness John had talked about. He'd felt it when he'd let that med pod drop. Everytime he had looked at Skye, fighting May, when Coulson had ranted at him after May was done. When he couldn't even answer for himself.
"I owed him." he said quickly, not thinking about caring, because he had. Of course he had. John had given him a chance and he'd done everything since to make him proud. That maybe one day he wouldn't be a disappointment like he had been to everyone else in his life. "He got me out of a hell, if that's caring then I guess I did. And you know I cared about the team. I didn't want to do what I did, but what I wanted didn't matter." Finding out John could have just asked Coulson and gotten his answers Ward laughed, he couldn't help it, it was all so messed up eventually you just had to laugh.
"He'd never have asked. Not ever. He didn't think like that, it was something he'd have to find out through me, You were friends, sure, but you didn't know the man I knew. He kept that hidden. He'd never have trusted your word. You were Fury's."
Going over it all again, thinking about the John Garrett that had been here and almost being thankful Coulson had missed it. He remembered the cell, Coulson's questions. He'd stayed quiet, focused, he'd drawn in on himself. Gone to a place he'd gotten very good at retreating to when he didn't want to think. And stated clearly he would only talk to Skye.
"It was a lot of things. I was hurting. You know that, the things I did, what I tried to do...I wanted it done. Over. I was a pawn for you, an asset to get information out of it and you know, I expected you'd send someone to get the answers the hard way. I was prepared for that. But you just kept asking me why and what could I tell you? It was the mission. It was for a reason you couldn't understand, it was loyalty to the man who'd saved my life. You couldn't have believed that. So I stayed quiet. Ready for whatever was gonna come. But nothing did. And then I thought maybe if I talked to Skye, maybe she'd listen. Maybe she'd see past what had happened. So I could tell her things. Tell her what she needed to know and it meant I'd get to see her. It meant that maybe someday she'd let me help her."
He couldn't make eye contact with the other man so instead looked out over the park. "It was never about forgiveness. I wanted Skye to have her answers. I made her a promise."