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phil coulson isn't angry; he's just disappointed. (disappointeddad) wrote in wariscoming,

Coulson had let Ward talk, even in the moment when he's wanted to chime in, to tell him that he hadn't owed Garrett anything, that he'd read Ward's file, more than just what was fabricated, and that he had gotten himself to where he was all on his own. That every mission, every success that had stacked up enough to make him a viable option for their team had been his and his alone, that Garrett had had nothing to do with any of it. But as it was, this was the most that Phil could remember Ward talking, ever, and the last thing he wanted to do was something that would make him feel like he couldn't express himself without being 'corrected'.

When the things he was saying had settled, though, Coulson had spared a sideways glance at Ward, his expression reflecting a pained amusement before he shook his head, "I would have understood," It was a simple thing. Odd to think about in the long run, but Phil knew he would have. He would have understood better than Ward could eve imagine because, "If she ever shows up, I should have May tell you about how I used to act around Nick when we were younger," Coulson said with a slight laugh.

It wasn't anywhere near the same situation. No. Garrett had dragged Ward out of horrors, only to throw him directly into more, and Nick, while Nick had taken him from a relatively calm home life, what he'd offered had been a family and a home that Coulson had always dreamed of, one where he wasn't isolated and alone most of the time, where he had plenty of people to rely on, plenty of people to trust in. And he had been more than willing to do anything Nick had asked of him early on.

And maybe even now, if he thought about it too hard.

"I wanted to understand," Coulson said, frowning to himself. "For awhile, I did. You can never change what's happened, but sometimes, putting a rhyme and reason to it eases the worst of the pain. But with HYDRA... None of it makes any sense to me. Then, now, I can't understand what would drive someone to side with them when SHIELD's the other option."

Of course, Phil had also always been blind to SHIELD's faults, not willing or sometimes able to recognize the issues or questionable tendencies in a lot of their actions. It was a perspective that came with a 'trust the system' attitude. And something that he had only just been starting to notice when everything had fallen apart around him, and he'd been handed the reins.

And now he was the System. And people questioning him ended up getting others killed. How in the world had Nick stood it for so long?

"But then you started..." Phil paused, swallowing hard and trying to ignore the sick feeling that bubbled up in his stomach as he thought back on his reaction to what had happened. "You started trying to kill yourself, and I wrote you off. I shouldn't have.... I shouldn't have, but everything I knew, everything I'd ever read, it told me that was what HYDRA did. They'd rather die than betray their cause, and on top of you not telling me anything. It seemed more like protocol than a cry for help."

Shaking his head to clear out that thought, Coulson sighed, reaching over and settling a hand on Ward's arm, "You did make her a promise. I could have respected that, wanting her to know what none of the rest of us did, but you fulfilled it in the worst way possible." Kidnapping? Dragging her into a HYDRA infested base? It wasn't exactly the best way to 'rebuild trust' as it were. "What did you really expect to happen?"