InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "DON'T PANIC"

phil coulson isn't angry; he's just disappointed. (disappointeddad) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2015-02-24 15:17:00

Entry tags:

grant ward, phil coulson

WHO: Phil Coulson & Grant Ward
WHAT: Civility was promised. Civility will be had. And proper conversations are better when you can see the other person.
WHEN: The day after this; Noon
WHERE: A Park
RATING: TBA

Coulson honestly wasn't sure how to feel anymore. His own feelings were confused by the various protests he'd encountered, the perspectives and opinions of people he actually cared about and respected overlaying themselves over his skepticism, and the new information that he was still working on incorporating into his understanding of the situation. The fact was, even with all of that, Phil didn't feel any less hurt, any less angry, than he had before he'd arrived. He understood better, perhaps, an issue that had been bugging him for months at least somewhat resolved, but it was still going to be a struggle to figure out which emotion to act on and how to cope with the various conflicts arising in him.

But he's promised Natasha civility and no matter what else occurred, that much he figured he could manage without too much strain.

The small pistol that he'd come in with had been left behind, the first trust in what was bound to be a long road, and as Phil settled himself on the bench that he'd been directed to in order to wait, he tried to ignore the anxiety that was building in him. Speaking with Ward had been easier, simpler, with the gulf imposed by technology there as a buffer. All Coulson could hope for now was that seeing the man's face wouldn't provoke an impulsive urge to punch him in the face.

That was... not civil.

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disappointeddad
2015-03-08 02:13 am UTC (link)

Coulson had let Ward talk, even in the moment when he's wanted to chime in, to tell him that he hadn't owed Garrett anything, that he'd read Ward's file, more than just what was fabricated, and that he had gotten himself to where he was all on his own. That every mission, every success that had stacked up enough to make him a viable option for their team had been his and his alone, that Garrett had had nothing to do with any of it. But as it was, this was the most that Phil could remember Ward talking, ever, and the last thing he wanted to do was something that would make him feel like he couldn't express himself without being 'corrected'.

When the things he was saying had settled, though, Coulson had spared a sideways glance at Ward, his expression reflecting a pained amusement before he shook his head, "I would have understood," It was a simple thing. Odd to think about in the long run, but Phil knew he would have. He would have understood better than Ward could eve imagine because, "If she ever shows up, I should have May tell you about how I used to act around Nick when we were younger," Coulson said with a slight laugh.

It wasn't anywhere near the same situation. No. Garrett had dragged Ward out of horrors, only to throw him directly into more, and Nick, while Nick had taken him from a relatively calm home life, what he'd offered had been a family and a home that Coulson had always dreamed of, one where he wasn't isolated and alone most of the time, where he had plenty of people to rely on, plenty of people to trust in. And he had been more than willing to do anything Nick had asked of him early on.

And maybe even now, if he thought about it too hard.

"I wanted to understand," Coulson said, frowning to himself. "For awhile, I did. You can never change what's happened, but sometimes, putting a rhyme and reason to it eases the worst of the pain. But with HYDRA... None of it makes any sense to me. Then, now, I can't understand what would drive someone to side with them when SHIELD's the other option."

Of course, Phil had also always been blind to SHIELD's faults, not willing or sometimes able to recognize the issues or questionable tendencies in a lot of their actions. It was a perspective that came with a 'trust the system' attitude. And something that he had only just been starting to notice when everything had fallen apart around him, and he'd been handed the reins.

And now he was the System. And people questioning him ended up getting others killed. How in the world had Nick stood it for so long?

"But then you started..." Phil paused, swallowing hard and trying to ignore the sick feeling that bubbled up in his stomach as he thought back on his reaction to what had happened. "You started trying to kill yourself, and I wrote you off. I shouldn't have.... I shouldn't have, but everything I knew, everything I'd ever read, it told me that was what HYDRA did. They'd rather die than betray their cause, and on top of you not telling me anything. It seemed more like protocol than a cry for help."

Shaking his head to clear out that thought, Coulson sighed, reaching over and settling a hand on Ward's arm, "You did make her a promise. I could have respected that, wanting her to know what none of the rest of us did, but you fulfilled it in the worst way possible." Kidnapping? Dragging her into a HYDRA infested base? It wasn't exactly the best way to 'rebuild trust' as it were. "What did you really expect to happen?"

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notanazi
2015-03-18 12:04 pm UTC (link)

Maybe he would have understood. It was possible. Maybe he would have found out the whole story. But how could he have told him any of this before HYDRA revealed itself. And after that, in the cell. He'd lost everything. Everything but Skye. And he'd had to bargin to even see her. Even if she hated him, those glimpses, they'd meant the world. As for May showing up, that really was the last thing Ward wanted, the woman despised him and had changed Skye. Or maybe that had been him. Maybe it had been the betrayal.

"What could you have understood? You trusted John. And he betrayed you. And then I did the same thing in his name. How would you have understood? I was easy to blame. I was there, and yeah, I guess I was acting like a good little brainwashed minion wasn't I? But you didn't see, because no one could. Because caring was a weakness, mourning him was a weakness too and I'd already failed him enough. You can't have expected me to tell you all that when all I knew was that you hated me but knew enough to know I'd have some good intel. That intel, it was all I had left. And even that nearly wasn't enough."

Ward shrugged at the mention of what he'd done. It had been the worst time he'd ever lived. Worse than the woods, worse than all of it. He didn't exactly want to go in to detail, but he thought maybe being honest would go better for him. Maybe being honest would actually mean he had an ally here and not an enemy. Coulson had set him up as someone to despise. Another HYDRA agent because that was easy. Because he could blame Ward for the things John couldn't answer for anyomore.

"It wasn't a cry for help either. I wanted to die. Not for any cause. Not for HYDRA but because I wasn't worth life. Because death was easier and because without John I didn't know who I was. I'm starting to know who I am, it took time. It took mistakes, but its starting to come together. But there was nothing I could have done differently back then."

Skye though.

Skye and her father.

"He's insane. He is. There's no denying that. But he loves her. She was taken from him as a baby and he lost his wife. And not just lost her, she...god, by all accounts she was torn apart, shredded. Whitehall used her abilities to prolong his own life. Cut out her organs, everything useful. I thought Skye needed to know. Thought she deserved her answers.. I was gonna keep her safe. I did keep her safe...up till..."

And of course the gunshots. Frankly the last thing he wanted to discuss. Ever.

"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I'm sorry? I am. For Fitzsimmons. But Koening, Hand? That was doing what I had to do, no more, no less. That was no more than any SHIELD agent would have done to their opposite number."

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