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Tweak says, "I Love Pizza!"

Zero Kiryuu (notamasochist) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-05-01 01:05:00

Entry tags:

yuuki kuran, zero kiryuu

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[Zero is only here to support his roommates, not play. Because of that, he's sitting in the grass a distance away from even the crowd, observing everyone. Both his roommates are the captains of each respective team, so choosing a team to cheer for was impossible for him as he couldn't choose favorites between Hikaru and Yuuri. He's here in spirit but not really mind, a million thoughts running through his head as he watches everyone go through the motions of the familiar game. He tries to avoid it, but his attention is continually drawn to a specific player on the field, irritation rising within him as he watches her. Yet still he sits, quiet and observant.]

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notamasochist
2013-05-08 04:23 am UTC (link)

[When she finally pulls away, Zero surprisingly feels the loss. He doesn't feel self-conscious or nervous about any of this--until fingers warm his cheek and he is under her perusal. He thought he was ready to face it, but under her steady gaze, his falters.

He isn't comfortable speaking of his own heart. Not yet at least. It was still sore. Damaged. Full of anguish and pain. This isn't something new, but some of the wounds were fresh and with her eyes determined to find some answer, Zero found it difficult to face her.

Gaze shifting away, he just shrugs. How is he supposed to answer that? He can't.]

It's not as if I'm not angry over what you did...I am. Yuuki--wouldn't be Yuuki if she hadn't decided to do that.

[He frowns, still unable to meet her eyes as his own eyebrows furrow in frustration as he tries to put things into words.]

Why I had to be removed too, I still don't understand completely--but the rest of it. Honestly, I'm a little angry at myself for not seeing it coming. I should have seen it all.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-08 04:32 am UTC (link)

[Her short hair sways form side to side as she shakes her head. That isn't right. There's no way he could have seen what was coming, or her plans.]

That isn't Zero's fault.

[It's hers, and he shouldn't feel guilt or frustration with himself at her own actions. This time it's her gaze that shifts to the side.]

I know you're angry... and hurt. [She realizes that. She does. Closing her she covers her face with her opposite hand.]

But I-- at the time it's the only future I could see.

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notamasochist
2013-05-08 03:24 pm UTC (link)

[The only future she could see... Complete agony rips through him at the very thought. Hands reach for her frantically, grasping her shirt, her waist, whatever he could grasp to tug her down against him. Arms enveloping her warmth, Zero buries a hand within her hair and presses her head against his chest.]

That's not a future. It's a death sentence.

[One in which he knew he'd have to face again back home, without the assistance of time and exposure that Marina had forced. He could lose her--completely lose her--without even knowing what he'd been missing. To go through life with this emptiness he'd felt for the last few days since returning to Marina.

Honestly, he's not even sure where to start with this whole thing. What she'd done to him or what she'd planned on doing to Kaname Kuran. There was so much to say on both issues and they were so mixed up in her head...]

Do you honestly think we won't be able to stop him? That your life is so disposable? That you need to take on this burden all yourself?

[But he knows all these answers. Her blood may not provide all the answers but it gave him the blueprint. The girl in his arms was overwhelmed with so many emotions, lost in despair. Like the light had been completely snuffed out.

Tightening his hold, he presses her against his chest even more, chin resting on top of her head.

What had happened to her?]

It's like you just gave up...

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trappedinresin
2013-05-08 04:25 pm UTC (link)

N-No, I--

[That's not right. It wasn't giving up. She had to do it- what other way was there? Held fast within his arms, she shakes her head against him, swallowing thickly. For once she has to be honest and tell him the truth. But the confession is so very painful.

Closing her eyes, hot tears begin to roll down her cheeks.]

Everything is my fault.

[The death of her parents. The death of his. The death of his brother. The reason he was changed into being a vampire. All of it. When the sobs begin to wrack her body, she openly cries, clinging to him tight.]

The reason Zero's life was destroyed is because my life had been valued as greater.

[As though she, the pitiful, selfish, disgusting person that she is, was somehow greater than the lives of all those people. In what world is that fair?]

Aidou-dono as well. And the other pureblood families.

[Her throat tightens, choking as she tries, unsuccessfully to swallow another sob.]

He warned me. He told me he wondered if I would be strong enough to stop that person from turning to an unhappy future. That if he did something wrong, that I should correct him.

[Nails pierce through that fabric of his shirt to dig into her own palm. Her entire body trembles from head to toe.]

But I wasn't. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn't make him happy. My feelings couldn't reach him, and in the end he left.

[But it's so much worse. Pulling back she stares down at him with a waterfall of tears in her eyes.]

He murdered Aidou-dono, and so many of the others. But in the end that was for my sake too, wasn't it? I never wanted that! I never asked for any of these things to happen!

[Furiously scrubbing at her eyes, the tears continue to flow, no end in sight as she draws a shaky breath. Everything unloads, the horror, the frustration and the devastating, overwhelming sorrow. She can't hold any of it back any longer.]

I've never felt so alone in my life.

[It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It's worse than the attack by Touma, or anything else someone could do to her. How can that person expect her to live on into eternity alone and ever be happy after losing all of the people most important to her in such a way?]

Then suddenly you were there again. And I knew. I knew and understood your feelings, after the masquerade. And it broke my heart. How could I drag you back down, when it was already because of me that you had lost everything?

[Could't he understand? Burying her face into her hands, truth continues to flow in thick, wet drops.]

I don't want that person to die. And I don't want you to be hurt because of me any longer. [In the end, is it too much to ask?] All I've ever wanted is for everyone to be happy, and to find my own happiness too.

[But nothing is okay anymore.]

I can't put my life ahead of anyone else's, not anymore, if it means I can save even just one more life.

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notamasochist
2013-05-08 05:28 pm UTC (link)

[Her words come in scattered admissions, but none of them connect in his head. He doesn't follow her thought process at all-other than the whole thread of self-blame which he'd tasted within her blood. For him, for Kuran...for everything.

Taking her hands, he gently draws them away from her face as the tears stream down her cheeks without sign of stopping. Sitting up, he reaches out to comfort her again, hands framing her face as he takes a moment to process all her words.]

Yuuki isn't the type who would put her life first. You never have been, so where is this 'anymore' coming from?

[Thumb stroking beneath one of her eyes, he wipes some of the moisture away for it to be immediately damp with tears again. This self-blame of hers...he couldn't understand it.]

You aren't the one causing these problems. The very fact that you don't want these things and are trying to stop them--means you have no guilt in any of this. If someone does something 'for' your sake that you don't wish, but they go against your wishes and do it anyway--that doesn't make it your fault. At that point, they aren't doing it for you...they are doing it for themselves. You're just the excuse they use to take the blame off themselves.

[He'd purposely stayed away from the questioning phase of everything back then because he hadn't wanted to expose himself to her world with Kuran. As far as he knew, Kuran just decided one day to abandon her for this mission. He'd never heard anything else until now. He hesitates now, still wary about exposing himself to this path of conversation but finally asks the question.]

You say you couldn't make him happy so he left you--why?

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trappedinresin
2013-05-09 01:25 am UTC (link)

[Her eyes search his, leaning into the brush of his thumb. Those are words he believes. But how? After everything, it was still done for her sake. A hand lifts to curl over one of his and she swallows thickly. Her eyes drift shut as she shakes her head.]

If I knew that, maybe things would be different.

[She literally did all that she could. Licking her lips, she stares at the ground]

I tried to live up to his expectations. Always he's lived in a pit of despair, and has been so very lonely. [Inhaling, she chooses her words carefully. She doesn't want to hurt Zero, talking about Kaname. But she wants to be honest.]

Several times he tried to show me how hopeless it was to try so hard, but I could never understand how he could be so forlorn. Why, even though we were together, he was still unreachable. [A tear rolls down her cheek] Even so, he told me we could be together, even with me, as an imperfect fiancee.

But he still left.

[Why...? When did he give up on wanting to be with her? What had she done wrong? In the end, even though she had been so tempted and close, she had even refrained from drinking Zero's own blood. Even when she desperately had wanted that one thing.]

No one... can be a replacement for another.

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notamasochist
2013-05-09 02:09 am UTC (link)

[That...doesn't help at all. He frowns. ]

He's depressed.
You weren't perfect so it means you're a bad fiancee.
Someone was trying to replace someone else.

So he left you and went on a murderous pureblood killing spree. Makes total sense.

[Oh yes, there is sarcasm there. Dripping. There's obviously a lot of information missing.]

Stop censoring yourself. You had no problem spilling your heart out about him to me in the past. If I wasn't willing to listen or hear it, I wouldn't ask.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-09 02:23 am UTC (link)

[Her fingers curl, frustration bubbling up. Not at him, but she just isn't sure how to address everything. Or that it's even important. In the end, the result is the same. He's still gone, and she's here in the prison, regardless of the state of things at home.

After a lengthy pause, she draws a breath. There are some things, up until now, she's kept to herself about Kaname. Even now, she's not sure that it's important, or needs to be shared.

It's so personal, after all. But as things are, it makes little difference now. At least this... might help, even just a little bit, to clear things up.]

Kaname... is not really my brother. Not my real one.

[But that isn't the replacement she's talking about, not at all. Although it's tragic, what happened to her true brother, Kaname is still the only brother she has ever known. For that reason he's still an important person in her life, and the dear person she was raised with.]

Kaname-senpai, in actuality, is the progenitor.

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notamasochist
2013-05-09 02:57 am UTC (link)

[It isn't as surprising as she probably thinks he'd find it. He'd had signs of it all but hadn't put everything together completely.]

So he was an associate of the woman who threw her heart into the furnace. While attempting--successfully--to take control of Bloody Rose as we battled, he mentioned that Bloody Rose was one of the first weapons he created. I know it was one of the first hunters weapons.

So, he's not your brother...he's your...10,000 year old great grandfather?

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	trappedinresin 2013-05-09 03:01 am UTC (link)
	[... Even in a moment like this, the term sets her a little off.] Although I... don't really like calling it something like that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-09 03:20 am UTC (link)
	[At least the tears are gone now. Part of his mission accomplished.] I said I'd listen. At least allow me some small joy in the process. [He squeezes the hand that she's still holding while giving her a slight smile.] Go on. I'll be good. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-05-09 03:43 am UTC (link)

[It gives her a small pause, a bit at a loss. It was a joke? Zero's taste in jokes...]

I'm not really sure what else to say... [Staring at the floor once more, she shakes her head. The short glance and smile she spares is bitter, an emotion directed, clearly, toward herself.] We already know how big of a screw up I can be.

[She covers her face with a hand once more, tired, and stressed.]

Reiterating how badly wont change anything though. [Nothing important.] I always struggle, and make mistakes. I can't ever learn or move on.

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notamasochist
2013-05-09 04:04 am UTC (link)

[And there is all that self-blame again. Back and strong as ever.]
i
Everyone makes mistakes. [Just look at him. He's a huge example of someone taking the wrong path over and over until finally getting it right. Sort of.] That guy watched you for ten years, don't tell me he instantly thought you'd be able to cook or avoid running straight into situations you felt strongly about.

[Something was still off about this whole situation. Ten years, Kaname Kuran knew enough about her to know who she was when she went to live with him. If he wanted her to be something else, well then she was stupid for wanting to stay with him. Some people actually liked that part of her.]

That's who you are. That's who most people are. That's not being a screw up, that's just life.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-11 02:15 am UTC (link)

[No. It's not so simple. And in the end it isn't that she hasn't contributed to making the relationship difficult. She isn't blameless by any means. With a breath she shakes her head.]

It's not just stupid little things like that.

[The inability to use her fangs after so long. And more importantly, the other person, right here before her, who, always, has resided within her heart.]

I don't... I don't know what, ultimately, made him change his mind. I just know that it happened.

[And it devastated her]

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notamasochist
2013-05-11 04:06 am UTC (link)

You blame yourself.

[It's a statement of fact, but she obviously doesn't care to express the reasons why.]

Which means there is something you believe you've done to cause this sudden bloodbath he's causing.

[Gently he removes her from his lap, getting irritated with her as he gets to his feet.]

It isn't your relationship with him I care anything about. If it was up to me, I wouldn't want to hear anything about it you weren't wanting to share.

[Hands clenching tightly into fists, he levels his gaze at her, annoyed.]

It's the fact that whatever you think you did--resulted in you choosing to screw with my life. I don't deserve half truths right now.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-11 02:18 pm UTC (link)

[Jaw tightening, she swallows thickly, frustration growing to mirror his own. She's done lots of things recently that she's not proud of. But Kaname's departure- it's something she struggles to even understand herself.

Lifting to her own feet she meets the glare dead on.]

What do you want me to say, Zero? I can't say sorry enough! I already realize that what I did was wrong and I'm sorry for it!

[Fingers clench tightly into her skirt once more]

I don't know what I did. Isn't it Zero, that understands that person even more than I do?

[It's what Kaname himself said. She ferciely bites back the tears that want to rise at the pain and hurt all over again.]

I wasn't a good fiancee! I couldn't even use my fangs for a year. Instead, I- I had to stay locked up until I could even remotely begin to function like a proper vampire.

[Memories of Zero- and of the look on his face as he realized what she truly was, had plagued her for months. A pained laugh escapes her lips, covering her eyes again.]

And then when I finally, finally could, I realized that I couldn't just stay locked up in the place. I needed to do something. And of course, the one person I came across was the one I anguished about for all those months.

[With a breath her hands drop and she stares at the ground]

Maybe it was then? That was the breaking point...

[She shakes her head]

I admitted, once... out of guilt, that... even though I loved Kaname that even while I drank his blood I couldn't ever be fully sated by him.

[She scrubs the warm tear that trickles down her cheek]

Because my heart was torn in two. But that even despite that I still wanted to remain by his side. And he said that, even despite being a terrible fiancee, I could still stay there. Hah- with the exception of course, that I wasn't allowed to have tablets or drink anyone's blood but his own.

[It's not amusing in the least, but somehow she can't help but to laugh again.]

That time when Touma-san knocked me out... Over and over again he told me how pointless those actions had been. But you know what he said? The fact that I hadn't drank Zero's blood was the one good thing I had managed to do.

[And look at her by now. She's drank his blood on a number of occasions.]

Up until that point- I obeyed that promise I made him. I did everything I could think of to make him happy. To make things work. I didn't want to lose anything more, not again.

[Reaching out, she clutches the fabric above his chest, clinging ]

So if you ask me 'why', I can't tell you. I tried. I tried really hard. But in the end, my all wasn't enough to make him happy.

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 03:27 am UTC (link)

[This is exactly what he'd been waiting for. No generic admissions of wrongdoings, but actual contents of what she believed she'd done wrong. Not a word is spoken as she slowly breaks down in front of him. Moments before she was glaring and suddenly she's clinging to the front of his shirt. Zero lifts his hand to her face, thumb brushing the tear from her face as it slides down her cheek.]

Part of me wondered if that had something to do with it, but it seemed conceited and unlikely that it had anything to do with me. The timing was too close to everything.

[But it had, in the end. At least her version of it. Zero was written all over it for her reasoning. He could surprisingly see everything clearly from each side, mistakes they've both made before in their friendship before.]

It sounds like it was a no win situation all around.

[The inability to use her fangs sticks out in his mind as curious, that's something he hadn't heard before. She had sort of related that to him too though. He has a pretty good picture, but there are a few questions that remain before he wishes to actually comment on any of this.]

Why weren't you able to use your fangs?

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 03:40 am UTC (link)

[Shame and embarrassment are the first emotions to rise at the question. She doesn't even look up, merely nodding. Her fingers twitch while confessing]

Because I couldn't accept myself for what I really was, I...couldn't bring myself to use them. Anxiety, panic, and so many other emotions would rise up...

[She licks her lips]

So I just refused. Even though that person tried to force me on many occasions to feed properly. Like... like a spoiled child, I refused and could only drink once the vein was already pierced.

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 04:21 am UTC (link)

[I couldn't accept myself for what I really was... Not only hadn't she wanted to lose anything else...she'd refused to let him go either. That was something glaringly obvious.]

You can't control anyone's actions. As I said before, you aren't responsible for the things that man has done. That's entirely on him. You have no more control over him than you have over anyone else.

Just as he has no control over your feelings. Because you know, if you blame yourself for being unable to make him happy, then part of that blame falls on me for making you unable to let go to that portion of your life. That's not something I'm willing to take blame on. After everything that guy has done to my family and I, it's more of a karmic retribution that you kept this attachment. Especially given the inability to let go of my own.

[She might not take it to heart yet, but he hoped in time she would.]

Punishing you for your feelings, telling you your efforts were worthless, locking you away from the outside world...

All this effort you put into everything for his sake. Calling yourself a terrible fiancee and unable to put forth everything you could because you longed for the past...

What was your happiness there? Because those don't sound like things that would make Yuuki happy.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 04:36 am UTC (link)

[Ah- this is much harder to talk about than she even anticipated. Licking her lips, her grip tightens.]

Don't... Don't get the wrong idea. I wasn't mistreated, or anything. [~~UHHHHH...~~ She doesn't want him to believe that, or want any pity, either. Although it's true that there are many unhappy memories in that house, it's still a section of her life that wont just disappear, either.]

I was happy that I could remember my past, no matter how tragic it was. I was happy to be reunited with my brother. [Even if his actions caused her so much sadness] I was happy that, even though I was imperfect, there was still someone who loved me...

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 05:34 am UTC (link)

[All things she was happy about, not things that made her happy. Frustrated, his hands lifted to her shoulders to squeeze tightly. Imperfect. Someone who still loved her. That was the most aggravating part of all.]

You aren't imperfect. [He can't keep the anger from his voice as he struggles with the words, fingers digging into her arms.] You're just Yuuki. [With a tug, he pulls her against himself, mouth seeking hers out desperately. If words hadn't reached her maybe this would. It was like the dam burst open with his emotions, forcefully kissing her for just a few seconds before pushing her away again by her shoulders.]

You say you were trying to do everything you could to make him happy, but what was he doing for you to ensure your happiness? Allowing yourself to go along with things that make you miserable isn't going to help take away your own pain and bring you happiness. No matter how happy it would make him, if he's not finding ways to ensure your happiness in return, those feelings will just get bigger.

[That had been his own mistake too in some areas, hadn't it? Forehead dropping to her shoulder, hands still gripping her upper arm area forcefully.]

I was happy with you.

[But he'd never let her know that.]

Even now...

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 03:22 pm UTC (link)

[Although she hears and feels him, they are words she's never thought to hear from him. Not something similar like this again. It stirs to life every emotion inside her. After all of this time, and everything they have been through how can he say that sort of thing?

Blinking away the tears in her eyes, new ones rise to replace them. It's true that while living in the manor house, she had felt so unbearably lonely. Her happiness has always been helping the people she loves and cares about around her. But when locked in that place, she never managed to do that.

Lips trembling, she swallows thickly. When all she managed to do was hurt him, even cornering him into depending upon her for so long, can he really mean those words? Her insecurity comes out in a quiet, watery whisper.]

But I'm a pureblood...

[Ultimately, isn't she still the thing he hates most? What 'ate' the girl he once had feelings for? The creature he once promised to kill...]

I can't ever be human again.

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 08:59 pm UTC (link)

You're saying all that like I don't realize. [It would be almost comical, if he didn't know how serious she was about it. Had he really screwed her up so badly that she couldn't even fathom a world in which he would be fine with her being a pureblood?] This is who you are. What you were born to be.

[No one should be taking that away from her. Not her parents, not Kaname Kuran--no one. He's not particularly wanting to tell her at this exact moment as it might be seen as attempting to sway her opinion in his favor--and he wanted her by his own right and not by attempting to sever the other relationship she held.]

Yuuki is Yuuki--it just took me a little time to understand and accept all this. I've been by your side both home and here in Marina and it doesn't have anything to do with how I would prefer you...I just want you there.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 09:54 pm UTC (link)

[Somehow, he knows the words that will sever that thin thread that is keeping her, even if only partially, together, before the tears fall freely, no longer suppressed. Hot and warm they stream down her cheeks. Whatever space there is between them, she closes this time, with the need to feel his heart and arms and all this person has to offer; she loves every bit of him. Burying her face into his chest, both arms reach around his torso and wind around his back. This time she's not going to let go. Nails clench tight into his shirt with an iron grip.]

I've wanted to hear those words for so long.

[Acceptance. A reason to believe that, despite everything, she still has something worthwhile to contribute. To hear it from Zero, of all people, truly makes her realize just how much he has changed. Despite everything that has happened to him, he's genuinely made it outside of that deep dark forest that continues to haunt all of them, hasn't he. She wants to make it back out into the sunlight too. Her grip tightens.]

All this time I've wanted to believe that. To have a validation that my existence is allowed. That it's not a mistake.

[Because she doesn't want to be human again. She misses her relationships, the peaceful carefree days, but she doesn't want to be disappointed with what she is. Finally, she has the strength and ability to support the people around her and make a difference. Zero hated vampires. Her mother made her human, even if the action was out of love, and Kaname had decided that their existence as purebloods was a sin and should be extinguished. Even the hunter's association was fine with her brother's planned genocide. Even though they had suggested that as long as it was just her left, it would be fine, she wasn't stupid enough to believe that they wouldn't have, eventually, killed her too.

Her head shakes, accompanied with a sob.]

I don't hate being a vampire, Zero!

[The hunger and complications, can be a challenge, but she doesn't want to dislike what she is. It's taken her a long time to overcome everything, but finally she's at a point where she can do something to help the others around her.]

Even I was born with a purpose and reason, and it couldn't have been to be alone. I want to do something with my life and make a difference!

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 11:27 pm UTC (link)

[Yuuki clings to him like a child, sobbing into his shirt and all he can do is just hold her back. Even if he doesn't feel like he has the right yet, he knows that she needs this at the moment. He hadn't realized how much she'd needed those words until she broke down completely. Validation that her existence is allowed. What a completely heartbreaking way to look at things.

But isn't that exactly what he'd been looking for himself?]

I'll try to be better about everything. Even back then before everything happened, what I did wasn't fair. All along I've just been thinking about myself.

[He knew she wouldn't understand everything unless he explained it, but it's the exact same thing that he assumed was going on with her relationship with Kaname.]

It's something I had to actually experience twice before understanding how messed up it is...

Ichiru was the same way. Even though I knew everything he did was for my happiness, I was so overcome with guilt about everything that I pushed his feelings for me away. Wanting him to have everything and considering it all as my own punishment.

The only way he ended up getting any affection from me was by playing on my guilt. Suddenly one day he just snapped.

[He closes his eyes, chin propped gently atop her head.]

When all he wanted was my own happiness. All either of you wanted. It was like everything you did just hit a black hole. There wasn't a chance because I didn't feel I deserved it.

Nothing would work--just because I refused to let it work. Which just led to more misery and attempts to make me happy.

I don't want to do that to you anymore.