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Tweak says, "hayley and aaron forever!"

Zero Kiryuu (notamasochist) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-05-01 01:05:00

Entry tags:

yuuki kuran, zero kiryuu

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[Zero is only here to support his roommates, not play. Because of that, he's sitting in the grass a distance away from even the crowd, observing everyone. Both his roommates are the captains of each respective team, so choosing a team to cheer for was impossible for him as he couldn't choose favorites between Hikaru and Yuuri. He's here in spirit but not really mind, a million thoughts running through his head as he watches everyone go through the motions of the familiar game. He tries to avoid it, but his attention is continually drawn to a specific player on the field, irritation rising within him as he watches her. Yet still he sits, quiet and observant.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-17 01:12 am UTC (link)

I don't understand.

[It's all too backwards. All this time, Zero's been trying to protect her from this. But-]

Isn't it Zero... who would prefer that I be human?

[To think that Kaname would want to turn her human, and Zero keep her as a vampire. It's backwards. Regardless, the situation hurts. Everything seems so pointless. What is the meaning to her becoming a vampire at all, if everything she has learned and accomplished is supposed to be ripped away?

Gently she shakes her head.]

I wont... let that happen, you know.

[But honestly, she feels beyond disheartened. He never intended to be with her...]

I don't want to return to such a state.

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notamasochist
2013-05-17 01:36 am UTC (link)

[She's finally starting to grasp the original point of the conversation, the reason he'd brought it up in the first place. The question is expected and he's spent a lot of time on his answer himself during their journey.]

My preferences on that aren't the one that matters. Yours are. That's not a choice that should be taken away from anyone and done by force. No matter if it's from human to vampire or vampire to human.

You are who you are because of the things you've experienced. To lose that all again...to start over...

I wouldn't wish that for Yuuki. I've watched you as you've struggled as a human. I've watched you as you've struggled as a vampire.

[The only difference is the level of involvement he's had in her life at each time.]

Do I miss those days? Yes. I was always by your side. But this is who you really are.

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	trappedinresin 2013-05-17 02:26 am UTC (link)
	We don't know the outcome of anything at home. [If she returns home, there's the very real possibility that she wont return at all. But likewise, if she does, she might not remember anything at all. Can he really be okay with that uncertainty?] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-05-17 02:39 am UTC (link)

I know.

[And their refusal to communicate has just thrown them each in a situation that might have been able to be salvaged in other circumstances. But the worst part of all...]

You'd choose the exact same path, wouldn't you? Even if you knew before...

[The thought that she doubted their ability to work together and reach that goal. That probably hurt the most.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-17 02:53 am UTC (link)

[She's quiet, for a time, uncertain as to how to answer. Pulling back a little, her brow knits as she truly tries to dissect her own thoughts on the matter.]

It'a not... something that I want to do.

[Not at all, no. If there really is a different way, then it's something she would take.]

I don't know, Zero.

[She frowns, the sadness of the situation making her heart feel heavy.]

In the end, if it's between turning Kaname or being turned, then... I would much rather turn him.

[She wont return back to that naive and clueless state that caused her so much uncertainty and anxiety.]

There's no doubt to me that if it's to Kaname's benefit, he would continue to use you, Zero. I don't want that.

[One of many reasons as to why she took his memories of her. Without her in his life, there's nothing to hold over his head.]

And Kaname is... much stronger than I am. If he wants to get away, he'll get away. And if we fight-- [She shakes her head] Even though I- I know all the terrible, hurtful, and evil things that person has done... he's still someone who loved me, and that I love.

[Drawing a quiet breath, she shakes her head, eyes closing.]

I can't forgive the things he's done. I'm so angry and hurt. But I don't want to see him die, either. I still can't erase him from my heart.

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notamasochist
2013-05-17 03:39 am UTC (link)

[That's all information he knows already. None of that is unexpected or surprising, even if he disagrees with her plans.]

You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything though, Yuuki. You haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to take responsibility for something that you have no blame.

Telling you things such as the only way you can leave is by one of you killing the other? Calling you a bad fiancee? Telling you everything is hopeless trying to show you why?

There's no possible way your feelings could ever reach him like that because he didn't want them too. He wanted you to meet him at his level of despair. He didn't want to reach for you.

[He takes a deep breath, trying to keep his temper about this situation before he loses all creditability with her.]

He's not looking for happiness. Nor is it something that seemed to be a priority to provide you.

I'd allow myself to be used a dozen more times by that guy if it meant that I would be next to you. Even if neither of us remembered. I was still drawn to you and knew you were someone important to me.

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trappedinresin
2013-06-26 04:39 pm UTC (link)

Stop...

[She shakes her head. Lips trembling her eyes water as she tries to push out his words. He can't. He can't have these sort of feelings for her. It's the truth behind his words that rings most painful of all. All of it hurts so much to accept.

A tear trickles down her cheek that she hastily brushes away. Her heart is so heavy it feels chained to the floor. There's no path for her to take right now. She doesn't know what to say or do.]

I don't want to hurt Zero...

[He might say that none of it is her fault, but it's not so easy to disregard when so much tragedy has already happened for her sake. Over and over again she scrubs at her eyes.]

I was a bad fiance... you don't understand.

[How the entire time she couldn't let go of Zero.]

Everything is two way. If everything was already hopeless from the beginning, I can't risk losing you, too. [She trembles, the tears streaming freely down her cheeks now, while she shakes her head.]

Everyone I love disappears. If you got close to me only to vanish to a place I can't follow, I couldn't handle it. I'd die.

[Her heart can't take it any more.]

I don't know what to do to make people happy. All I ever do is cause pain.

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notamasochist
2013-07-03 03:32 am UTC (link)

[Her words are emotionally heavy, choking his lungs and heart from the pressure. Physically pained from the burden, Zero tries to get his emotions through to her.]

So it's better to just discard me completely before you get hurt?

[He just shakes his head. He understands her reasoning completely, but the way she did it all...]

You panicked.

[Because when it came down to it, that was entirely the reason why she took his memories. She panicked.]

I know I deserved what you did to me and that at that time I couldn't even face you head on...but...

[That isn't even the part that upsets him the most.]

You had no faith in us at all...

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trappedinresin
2013-07-03 03:46 am UTC (link)

[She doesn't know how to respond to that at all. Face in her hands, her voice is quivers. She sniffles.]

'Faith'? [Hah- it's like a joke.] I already lost Zero once. [There's no faith that something worse would not happen again and he'd be the one to disappear or die.]

I just thought that even if you didn't remember me... as long as you were alive, it would be okay. When I was so sure my existence only destroyed your everything.

[She swallows thickly, tear stained gaze upon the ground below]

But I knew you'd try to stop me, too. And if you try, I don't know if... if I can do what I have to.

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notamasochist
2013-07-03 04:09 am UTC (link)

[Zero's still in disbelief about everything he's remembered. Everything that's happened to him. He just shakes his head--willing her to understand.]

Of course I'd stop you...because it's the same for me. A world without Yuuki...

I only wanted you to be happy. This isn't what I wanted.

[To go this far for Kuran.]

He doesn't deserved to be sacrificed for. Especially if the alternative is sacrificing himself for you.

He's the one that chose to bloody his hands. Not you.

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	trappedinresin 2013-07-03 04:25 am UTC (link)
	[It's one thing to hear and another thing to actually believe it. At some level she still can't sit aside and bare no responsibility. Neither can she sit idly aside and watch any more. In the end, she merely shakes her head. Fists clenching she feels tired.] It doesn't matter. In the end I can't erase the past. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-07-03 04:46 am UTC (link)

Even if you wanted to, you couldn't. It wasn't you that did it!

You haven't done anything wrong.

[Teeth clenching together. It's like talking to a rock, she's so stubborn.]

You'd really choose his life over your own? Even if he's the one with the trail of blood...not you.

[What is he even saying? His entire body language changes. Tense. Defeated. His hands drop from her, turning away. Of course she would.]

Even if the alternative would eventually bring both of us what we wanted, just not in the way we wanted. You'd still choose him...

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trappedinresin
2013-07-03 02:34 pm UTC (link)

[Her brows knit, a gaze lifting up to face his back with a watery glare. Is that what he thinks?]

This has absolutely nothing to do with choosing one person over another. Don't make it sound like that.

[Because that's the problem, isn't it? That she's never been able to commit her heart to just one of them.]

If it was Zero instead of big brother, of course I would make the same decision all over again.

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notamasochist
2013-07-03 02:48 pm UTC (link)

[She doesn't get it. At all.]

I know you would. It's not about me--it's about you.

Even though him turning you human--would stop him.

Even though you know he'd set things up in a way to force us together again. Even if neither of us remembers.

[Can't she see it?]

Isn't that pretty much best case scenario right now?

But you'd rather save him and just destroy us all.

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	trappedinresin 2013-07-03 03:03 pm UTC (link)
	How can.... how can you say that? [Eyes wide she stares at him in shock.] You- you think that, even having been manipulated into being placed beside me, that you'd prefer that...? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-07-03 03:26 pm UTC (link)

How can I not? I said before I'd do it again and again if it meant that I would be by your side.

[How can you doubt that?]

The one thing I know for certain after everything recently--what I feel for you isn't something that can be manipulated or set up.

Even without memories--you're still the one I'm drawn to. That won't change.

I know it won't be easy. But yes...I would prefer that to losing you entirely.

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	trappedinresin 2013-07-07 03:38 pm UTC (link)
	[Stupid, stupid Zero. How can he be okay with that? Of course she doesn't want to lose him either. Isn't that part of the reason why she thought this was best?] I don't want to lose either of you. [Can't he understand?] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-07-09 06:37 pm UTC (link)
	But you're okay punishing both of us because he's the one doing everything. [Teeth clenched as tight as his hands, they weren't getting anywhere. Won't get anywhere with this conversation.] We're just going around in circles. I know you did what you thought you needed to. I don't agree with it but understand why you did. Just leave it at that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-07-14 02:30 am UTC (link)
	[Her head dips down. Silent, she merely nods after a moment. It's not like she expects him to agree with or be happy over what she did anyway. It's just... the thought of him being used again was unbearable. Even though she became a terrible person in the process of trying to stop it.] (Reply to this) (Parent)

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