Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I love someone I can't have"

Zero Kiryuu (notamasochist) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-05-01 01:05:00

Entry tags:

yuuki kuran, zero kiryuu

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[Zero is only here to support his roommates, not play. Because of that, he's sitting in the grass a distance away from even the crowd, observing everyone. Both his roommates are the captains of each respective team, so choosing a team to cheer for was impossible for him as he couldn't choose favorites between Hikaru and Yuuri. He's here in spirit but not really mind, a million thoughts running through his head as he watches everyone go through the motions of the familiar game. He tries to avoid it, but his attention is continually drawn to a specific player on the field, irritation rising within him as he watches her. Yet still he sits, quiet and observant.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-15 01:48 am UTC (link)

[She stumbles in surprise, but quickly recovers]

Ah- hey, Zero...!

[Jeez, after all that. Taking a step back, she reaches behind her to grab hold of his sleeve and tugs him after her.]

You know, you're going to be the one doing the majority of the carrying. After all you left my stuff out where anyone can just take it. If it's gone, I'm holding you accountable.

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	notamasochist 2013-05-15 01:54 am UTC (link)
	[Okay. This he can do. He pulls his wrist free and grasps her hand instead.] You stole my memories. [Beat that. Not that he won't hold your stuff for you...] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-05-15 01:59 am UTC (link)
	[Her steps slow, slumping just a little] I thought we were putting that into the past... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-15 02:09 am UTC (link)
	[Really? That's all you could come up with?] Too fresh? [He gives her hand a squeeze and tugs lightly to keep her walking alongside him instead of falling behind.] All that ammunition you're choosing not to use is going to give you a nice majority of the work. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-05-15 02:19 am UTC (link)
	[Her feet catch themselves, and she walks evenly beside him, heaving a light sigh and shaking her head.] Ah- to think that you would make a cute girl do so much work without offering to do the brunt of it. Doesn't that make you a degenerate? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-15 02:25 am UTC (link)
	[There's a long pause. Longer than necessary. Normally that would instantly make her think that he's thinking that she's not cute--which was never true. An uncomfortable length of time later he finally makes a comment.] Degenerate. I think that's the biggest word I've ever heard come out of your mouth. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-05-15 12:58 pm UTC (link)
	[Really? REALLY!?] I was beginning to think that Zero had changed, but maybe you haven't at all! [She DOES have a vocabulary thank you very much.] What? Did you prefer delinquent? You can be both. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-15 01:31 pm UTC (link)
	A degenerate delinquent. [It doesn't sound like something he finds offensive in the least.] That makes me sound like someone that shouldn't be messed with, which isn't really an insult. [He glances at her out of the corner of his eyes, amused.] Changed how? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-05-15 01:49 pm UTC (link)
	I don't think 'unapproachable' is how you should prefer to be viewed. [But she knows he's mostly just baiting her right now. With a light shrug of her shoulders, she glances at him, a faint blush in place, accompanied by a smile.] Anyway... I mean like this. Holding hands with a pureblood is not the sort of thing the Zero of the past would have done. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-05-15 02:49 pm UTC (link)

[He has to think on that one for a bit before giving her a proper answer. This fragile seed of their relationship had just began being tended and the answer to this question could derail the entire thing and destroy the little they've developed.

He stops in his movement, attention completely on her as he gives her hand a reassuring squeeze.]

Let's...sit down for a minute. There are a few things I want to talk about and I can't properly answer that without doing so.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-15 08:12 pm UTC (link)

[Her feet come to a halt. Suddenly uncertain, she glances up at him in surprise.]

Did I... say something wrong?

[ . . . Just before she had thought he had made it clear that he didn't mind the fact that she was a pureblood. The change in atmosphere makes her feel abruptly wary. It's not... that she expects him to suddenly love all purebloods, or anything like that.

But if he can't love what she is...]

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notamasochist
2013-05-15 09:10 pm UTC (link)

[It's obvious from her reaction that she's nervous about what he's about to say. She probably doesn't even realize it but there is a worried little crease between her eyes from her brows. With his free hand he reaches out and brushes his thumb across it in an attempt to smooth it out.]

No. It's nothing like that.

[He leads her out to a bench just outside their apartment building to sit down. Once she sits down next to him, he takes a moment to figure out how and where to begin.]

I'm really not sure where to start all this, but I want you to have all this information before I give you my answer.

It was Sara who gave me the information about Kaname's intention for me. That wasn't the only thing I found out though. There was more. I questioned headmaster about it without telling him why I wanted to know and got verification.

I wanted you to discover it on your own--which is why I never let you know. Nor why I would let you go off alone to go after him. That guy...has never planned on allowing you to remain a vampire. He might have changed his mind for a bit, but if he wasn't planning on staying by your side--he wanted you to be returned to a human.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-16 01:13 am UTC (link)

[At once her face blanks, vacant of emotion as she stares at him. The words he's saying are so far beyond belief that it takes her a moment to fully grasp what he's trying to tell her. To make such an accusation- it's outrageous.

He's barely spent any time with her brother. He doesn't know how long Kaname worked to make her accept the fact that, to her very core, she's a vampire. At last, she finally shakes her head.]

No. You're wrong.

[Can he even understand out far-fetched those words are? To think that she would believe them?]

Kaname-senpai woke me up. He was the one to do it. All that time back home, he had promised to walk for eternity by my side.

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notamasochist
2013-05-16 01:49 am UTC (link)

[It's only natural she'd defend him, which is one of the many reasons he hadn't told her before. She wouldn't believe him. It is an outlandish statement to be making, but it's the truth from the information he has.]

Kurosu told me to my face that Kuran originally planned on letting you go. He changed his mind and because of that--he murdered the senate.

[Maybe he should have stuck to his original plan of not telling her, but the damage has been done. She needs to know.]

He promised to walk for eternity by your side, but what are his intentions now?

Do you honestly think he plans on killing you? Allowing you to be the only pureblood left for eternity alone?

[And after saying he planned to succeed that woman who created the weapons and having a conference with Isaya at the ball...Zero worried it would be coming faster than them being the final two as he'd originally hoped.

That his plans had changed yet again.]

He'll sacrifice himself to turn you human after he finishes his mission. Leaving you-yet again-in my care to protect you. And the last of the purebloods no longer exist.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-16 02:15 am UTC (link)

[No. No No NO. He had to be wrong. There had to be some other explination. Over and over she shook her head, before abruptly standing up. She paced back and forth.]

You're wrong.

[She refused to acknowledge that any of his words might have made sense. She couldn't afford to think otherwise. To believe, that all along, he would had went behind her back like that with the intention of taking her free will.]

Y-You weren't there during all of that time. He told me. He told me that if he couldn't live with me, then he would rather kill me with his own hands, or else that I killed him.

[Twisted and frustrating as it had been on that one occasion, even though she hadn't fully believed his words. He hadn't been taking her seriously. But it seemed out of character that he would suffer her to an eternity all alone, and the concept of him, physically, harming her was something she couldn't fathom.

Her paced picked up, a little more frantic than before.]

That choice, He wouldn't-

[But she cut off. There had already been plenty of times he had taken her own choices from her.]

I don't want to be human.

[It would make things so much easier, but she was not unrelated to the sadness that permeated everything that had happened at home. And neither did she want to forget. Not again.]

That sort of thing is my choice!

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notamasochist
2013-05-16 03:01 am UTC (link)

[He lets her vent for a few minutes, watching as she slowly comes to the realization that what he's saying is true. And then the sentence falls. He told me that if he couldn't live with me, then he would rather kill me with his own hands, or else that I killed him.

He's literally knocked speechless at the words. The previous comments she'd made earlier.

'Everything is my fault.'

'I couldn't make him happy. My feelings couldn't reach him, and in the end he left.'

'Even so, he told me we could be together, even with me, as an imperfect fiancee. But he still left.'

Her fault. She actually thought that all this was her fault. In his entire life, he's felt a lot of rage and anger at people...but never as much as he feels toward Kaname Kuran at the moment.

His anger has to be forced down as he watches Yuuki though, because she was slowly breaking down with the realization that this person she'd cherished and planned to spend eternity planned on returning her to the state of helplessness she'd felt as a human. Against her wishes.

Getting to his feet, a hand snatches her on her path past him--dragging her across the distance and into his arms.]

The Hunter Association's plan was to just sit back and let him do whatever he wanted to do.

And then I learned of his real plan and I couldn't do that anymore.

[If he'd had even a clue of what she'd planned on doing to solve the situation herself--he would have told her everything. But he wouldn't have ever guessed she'd do that.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-16 03:32 am UTC (link)

The... Hunter's Association?

[Her arms hang limp at her sides as he holds her, and everything settles in. This whole time she's been running around like a fool. At first to stop Kaname and bring him back. And then just to stop him in general.

The plans of the association were clear to her from the start. They were up front and honest about the fact that they didn't mind the loss of the pureblood. That was something she was fine telling her adoptive father and snitching on them with.

But her involvement...]

The association didn't know what he intended for me, right?

[ . . . Even though, if they had, it wouldn't be something surprising, considering their lack of love for people like her. But the involvement of others...]

Headmaster...? Is that something that he was all right with?

[Her fingers clench tight.]

It's really fine to just erase me like that, and ship me off again, without having been able to do a single thing...? Even though for all those years I fought to just be where I am now.

[Even as incomplete and confused as she is. This whole picture is just wrong. It sets a pit in her gut. Swallowing thickly, it feels like the worst betrayal. It's true that she wanted to turn Kaname human, as well, but it was as a means of saving lives; for the greater good, and to stop that person so important to her. Not because it's something she wanted to do.

But this...]

I- I don't have the right to hear this from you.

[When she, against his very will, stole his memories from him. But even still, this news devastates her.]

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notamasochist
2013-05-16 04:03 am UTC (link)

No. None of them know. I don't plan on telling any of them either, they wanted me to stop you from interfering with his plans, at least they did before he attacked the Association.

[Things had all happened so quickly at that point, once he'd known what Kaname had intended, there had barely been time to even switch gears. Kaname had entered the Academy and the Association in turn immediately following this.]

I honestly don't know how much Headmaster knows. If he's aware, he's chosen not to interfere.

[He knows. He knows exactly how much she fought just to be able to feel as if she had a use. A reason for living. To be strong enough to protect those she cares about. To have that all wiped away after coming so far...

He feels the shift in her muscles before the words come out of her mouth. The moment they hit his ears, he tightens his hold on her in anticipation. She's trying to push him away. Blaming herself. Punishing herself for what she'd done to him.]

None of this is your fault. Stop pushing me away. You were trying to protect me just as I've been trying to protect you. Just stop!

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trappedinresin
2013-05-17 01:12 am UTC (link)

I don't understand.

[It's all too backwards. All this time, Zero's been trying to protect her from this. But-]

Isn't it Zero... who would prefer that I be human?

[To think that Kaname would want to turn her human, and Zero keep her as a vampire. It's backwards. Regardless, the situation hurts. Everything seems so pointless. What is the meaning to her becoming a vampire at all, if everything she has learned and accomplished is supposed to be ripped away?

Gently she shakes her head.]

I wont... let that happen, you know.

[But honestly, she feels beyond disheartened. He never intended to be with her...]

I don't want to return to such a state.

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notamasochist
2013-05-17 01:36 am UTC (link)

[She's finally starting to grasp the original point of the conversation, the reason he'd brought it up in the first place. The question is expected and he's spent a lot of time on his answer himself during their journey.]

My preferences on that aren't the one that matters. Yours are. That's not a choice that should be taken away from anyone and done by force. No matter if it's from human to vampire or vampire to human.

You are who you are because of the things you've experienced. To lose that all again...to start over...

I wouldn't wish that for Yuuki. I've watched you as you've struggled as a human. I've watched you as you've struggled as a vampire.

[The only difference is the level of involvement he's had in her life at each time.]

Do I miss those days? Yes. I was always by your side. But this is who you really are.

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	trappedinresin 2013-05-17 02:26 am UTC (link)
	We don't know the outcome of anything at home. [If she returns home, there's the very real possibility that she wont return at all. But likewise, if she does, she might not remember anything at all. Can he really be okay with that uncertainty?] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-05-17 02:39 am UTC (link)

I know.

[And their refusal to communicate has just thrown them each in a situation that might have been able to be salvaged in other circumstances. But the worst part of all...]

You'd choose the exact same path, wouldn't you? Even if you knew before...

[The thought that she doubted their ability to work together and reach that goal. That probably hurt the most.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-17 02:53 am UTC (link)

[She's quiet, for a time, uncertain as to how to answer. Pulling back a little, her brow knits as she truly tries to dissect her own thoughts on the matter.]

It'a not... something that I want to do.

[Not at all, no. If there really is a different way, then it's something she would take.]

I don't know, Zero.

[She frowns, the sadness of the situation making her heart feel heavy.]

In the end, if it's between turning Kaname or being turned, then... I would much rather turn him.

[She wont return back to that naive and clueless state that caused her so much uncertainty and anxiety.]

There's no doubt to me that if it's to Kaname's benefit, he would continue to use you, Zero. I don't want that.

[One of many reasons as to why she took his memories of her. Without her in his life, there's nothing to hold over his head.]

And Kaname is... much stronger than I am. If he wants to get away, he'll get away. And if we fight-- [She shakes her head] Even though I- I know all the terrible, hurtful, and evil things that person has done... he's still someone who loved me, and that I love.

[Drawing a quiet breath, she shakes her head, eyes closing.]

I can't forgive the things he's done. I'm so angry and hurt. But I don't want to see him die, either. I still can't erase him from my heart.

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notamasochist
2013-05-17 03:39 am UTC (link)

[That's all information he knows already. None of that is unexpected or surprising, even if he disagrees with her plans.]

You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything though, Yuuki. You haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to take responsibility for something that you have no blame.

Telling you things such as the only way you can leave is by one of you killing the other? Calling you a bad fiancee? Telling you everything is hopeless trying to show you why?

There's no possible way your feelings could ever reach him like that because he didn't want them too. He wanted you to meet him at his level of despair. He didn't want to reach for you.

[He takes a deep breath, trying to keep his temper about this situation before he loses all creditability with her.]

He's not looking for happiness. Nor is it something that seemed to be a priority to provide you.

I'd allow myself to be used a dozen more times by that guy if it meant that I would be next to you. Even if neither of us remembered. I was still drawn to you and knew you were someone important to me.

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trappedinresin
2013-06-26 04:39 pm UTC (link)

Stop...

[She shakes her head. Lips trembling her eyes water as she tries to push out his words. He can't. He can't have these sort of feelings for her. It's the truth behind his words that rings most painful of all. All of it hurts so much to accept.

A tear trickles down her cheek that she hastily brushes away. Her heart is so heavy it feels chained to the floor. There's no path for her to take right now. She doesn't know what to say or do.]

I don't want to hurt Zero...

[He might say that none of it is her fault, but it's not so easy to disregard when so much tragedy has already happened for her sake. Over and over again she scrubs at her eyes.]

I was a bad fiance... you don't understand.

[How the entire time she couldn't let go of Zero.]

Everything is two way. If everything was already hopeless from the beginning, I can't risk losing you, too. [She trembles, the tears streaming freely down her cheeks now, while she shakes her head.]

Everyone I love disappears. If you got close to me only to vanish to a place I can't follow, I couldn't handle it. I'd die.

[Her heart can't take it any more.]

I don't know what to do to make people happy. All I ever do is cause pain.

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notamasochist, 2013-07-03 03:32 am UTC

trappedinresin, 2013-07-03 03:46 am UTC

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trappedinresin, 2013-07-03 02:34 pm UTC

notamasochist, 2013-07-03 02:48 pm UTC

trappedinresin, 2013-07-03 03:03 pm UTC

notamasochist, 2013-07-03 03:26 pm UTC

trappedinresin, 2013-07-07 03:38 pm UTC

notamasochist, 2013-07-09 06:37 pm UTC

trappedinresin, 2013-07-14 02:30 am UTC

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