InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "You're weak"

Zero Kiryuu (notamasochist) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-05-01 01:05:00

Entry tags:

yuuki kuran, zero kiryuu

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[Zero is only here to support his roommates, not play. Because of that, he's sitting in the grass a distance away from even the crowd, observing everyone. Both his roommates are the captains of each respective team, so choosing a team to cheer for was impossible for him as he couldn't choose favorites between Hikaru and Yuuri. He's here in spirit but not really mind, a million thoughts running through his head as he watches everyone go through the motions of the familiar game. He tries to avoid it, but his attention is continually drawn to a specific player on the field, irritation rising within him as he watches her. Yet still he sits, quiet and observant.]

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 03:27 am UTC (link)

[This is exactly what he'd been waiting for. No generic admissions of wrongdoings, but actual contents of what she believed she'd done wrong. Not a word is spoken as she slowly breaks down in front of him. Moments before she was glaring and suddenly she's clinging to the front of his shirt. Zero lifts his hand to her face, thumb brushing the tear from her face as it slides down her cheek.]

Part of me wondered if that had something to do with it, but it seemed conceited and unlikely that it had anything to do with me. The timing was too close to everything.

[But it had, in the end. At least her version of it. Zero was written all over it for her reasoning. He could surprisingly see everything clearly from each side, mistakes they've both made before in their friendship before.]

It sounds like it was a no win situation all around.

[The inability to use her fangs sticks out in his mind as curious, that's something he hadn't heard before. She had sort of related that to him too though. He has a pretty good picture, but there are a few questions that remain before he wishes to actually comment on any of this.]

Why weren't you able to use your fangs?

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 03:40 am UTC (link)

[Shame and embarrassment are the first emotions to rise at the question. She doesn't even look up, merely nodding. Her fingers twitch while confessing]

Because I couldn't accept myself for what I really was, I...couldn't bring myself to use them. Anxiety, panic, and so many other emotions would rise up...

[She licks her lips]

So I just refused. Even though that person tried to force me on many occasions to feed properly. Like... like a spoiled child, I refused and could only drink once the vein was already pierced.

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 04:21 am UTC (link)

[I couldn't accept myself for what I really was... Not only hadn't she wanted to lose anything else...she'd refused to let him go either. That was something glaringly obvious.]

You can't control anyone's actions. As I said before, you aren't responsible for the things that man has done. That's entirely on him. You have no more control over him than you have over anyone else.

Just as he has no control over your feelings. Because you know, if you blame yourself for being unable to make him happy, then part of that blame falls on me for making you unable to let go to that portion of your life. That's not something I'm willing to take blame on. After everything that guy has done to my family and I, it's more of a karmic retribution that you kept this attachment. Especially given the inability to let go of my own.

[She might not take it to heart yet, but he hoped in time she would.]

Punishing you for your feelings, telling you your efforts were worthless, locking you away from the outside world...

All this effort you put into everything for his sake. Calling yourself a terrible fiancee and unable to put forth everything you could because you longed for the past...

What was your happiness there? Because those don't sound like things that would make Yuuki happy.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 04:36 am UTC (link)

[Ah- this is much harder to talk about than she even anticipated. Licking her lips, her grip tightens.]

Don't... Don't get the wrong idea. I wasn't mistreated, or anything. [~~UHHHHH...~~ She doesn't want him to believe that, or want any pity, either. Although it's true that there are many unhappy memories in that house, it's still a section of her life that wont just disappear, either.]

I was happy that I could remember my past, no matter how tragic it was. I was happy to be reunited with my brother. [Even if his actions caused her so much sadness] I was happy that, even though I was imperfect, there was still someone who loved me...

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 05:34 am UTC (link)

[All things she was happy about, not things that made her happy. Frustrated, his hands lifted to her shoulders to squeeze tightly. Imperfect. Someone who still loved her. That was the most aggravating part of all.]

You aren't imperfect. [He can't keep the anger from his voice as he struggles with the words, fingers digging into her arms.] You're just Yuuki. [With a tug, he pulls her against himself, mouth seeking hers out desperately. If words hadn't reached her maybe this would. It was like the dam burst open with his emotions, forcefully kissing her for just a few seconds before pushing her away again by her shoulders.]

You say you were trying to do everything you could to make him happy, but what was he doing for you to ensure your happiness? Allowing yourself to go along with things that make you miserable isn't going to help take away your own pain and bring you happiness. No matter how happy it would make him, if he's not finding ways to ensure your happiness in return, those feelings will just get bigger.

[That had been his own mistake too in some areas, hadn't it? Forehead dropping to her shoulder, hands still gripping her upper arm area forcefully.]

I was happy with you.

[But he'd never let her know that.]

Even now...

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 03:22 pm UTC (link)

[Although she hears and feels him, they are words she's never thought to hear from him. Not something similar like this again. It stirs to life every emotion inside her. After all of this time, and everything they have been through how can he say that sort of thing?

Blinking away the tears in her eyes, new ones rise to replace them. It's true that while living in the manor house, she had felt so unbearably lonely. Her happiness has always been helping the people she loves and cares about around her. But when locked in that place, she never managed to do that.

Lips trembling, she swallows thickly. When all she managed to do was hurt him, even cornering him into depending upon her for so long, can he really mean those words? Her insecurity comes out in a quiet, watery whisper.]

But I'm a pureblood...

[Ultimately, isn't she still the thing he hates most? What 'ate' the girl he once had feelings for? The creature he once promised to kill...]

I can't ever be human again.

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 08:59 pm UTC (link)

You're saying all that like I don't realize. [It would be almost comical, if he didn't know how serious she was about it. Had he really screwed her up so badly that she couldn't even fathom a world in which he would be fine with her being a pureblood?] This is who you are. What you were born to be.

[No one should be taking that away from her. Not her parents, not Kaname Kuran--no one. He's not particularly wanting to tell her at this exact moment as it might be seen as attempting to sway her opinion in his favor--and he wanted her by his own right and not by attempting to sever the other relationship she held.]

Yuuki is Yuuki--it just took me a little time to understand and accept all this. I've been by your side both home and here in Marina and it doesn't have anything to do with how I would prefer you...I just want you there.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-12 09:54 pm UTC (link)

[Somehow, he knows the words that will sever that thin thread that is keeping her, even if only partially, together, before the tears fall freely, no longer suppressed. Hot and warm they stream down her cheeks. Whatever space there is between them, she closes this time, with the need to feel his heart and arms and all this person has to offer; she loves every bit of him. Burying her face into his chest, both arms reach around his torso and wind around his back. This time she's not going to let go. Nails clench tight into his shirt with an iron grip.]

I've wanted to hear those words for so long.

[Acceptance. A reason to believe that, despite everything, she still has something worthwhile to contribute. To hear it from Zero, of all people, truly makes her realize just how much he has changed. Despite everything that has happened to him, he's genuinely made it outside of that deep dark forest that continues to haunt all of them, hasn't he. She wants to make it back out into the sunlight too. Her grip tightens.]

All this time I've wanted to believe that. To have a validation that my existence is allowed. That it's not a mistake.

[Because she doesn't want to be human again. She misses her relationships, the peaceful carefree days, but she doesn't want to be disappointed with what she is. Finally, she has the strength and ability to support the people around her and make a difference. Zero hated vampires. Her mother made her human, even if the action was out of love, and Kaname had decided that their existence as purebloods was a sin and should be extinguished. Even the hunter's association was fine with her brother's planned genocide. Even though they had suggested that as long as it was just her left, it would be fine, she wasn't stupid enough to believe that they wouldn't have, eventually, killed her too.

Her head shakes, accompanied with a sob.]

I don't hate being a vampire, Zero!

[The hunger and complications, can be a challenge, but she doesn't want to dislike what she is. It's taken her a long time to overcome everything, but finally she's at a point where she can do something to help the others around her.]

Even I was born with a purpose and reason, and it couldn't have been to be alone. I want to do something with my life and make a difference!

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notamasochist
2013-05-12 11:27 pm UTC (link)

[Yuuki clings to him like a child, sobbing into his shirt and all he can do is just hold her back. Even if he doesn't feel like he has the right yet, he knows that she needs this at the moment. He hadn't realized how much she'd needed those words until she broke down completely. Validation that her existence is allowed. What a completely heartbreaking way to look at things.

But isn't that exactly what he'd been looking for himself?]

I'll try to be better about everything. Even back then before everything happened, what I did wasn't fair. All along I've just been thinking about myself.

[He knew she wouldn't understand everything unless he explained it, but it's the exact same thing that he assumed was going on with her relationship with Kaname.]

It's something I had to actually experience twice before understanding how messed up it is...

Ichiru was the same way. Even though I knew everything he did was for my happiness, I was so overcome with guilt about everything that I pushed his feelings for me away. Wanting him to have everything and considering it all as my own punishment.

The only way he ended up getting any affection from me was by playing on my guilt. Suddenly one day he just snapped.

[He closes his eyes, chin propped gently atop her head.]

When all he wanted was my own happiness. All either of you wanted. It was like everything you did just hit a black hole. There wasn't a chance because I didn't feel I deserved it.

Nothing would work--just because I refused to let it work. Which just led to more misery and attempts to make me happy.

I don't want to do that to you anymore.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-13 12:21 am UTC (link)

[What is he talking about? Since when has Zero ever thought about himself? All these years, that's the one thing she's wanted him to do. To care about himself just a little bit more. At one point he almost let her choke him to death, when lost inside her own madness.

In what way is that selfish at all?

Pulling back enough to see him her fingers reach up to cup either side of his face. The tears still glisten upon her lashes, wetting her cheeks, but she ignores them in lieu of finding his gaze. Eyes dancing back and forth between his eyes she shakes her head.]

That's wrong, Zero...

[Desperate for him to understand. Maybe he had tried to protect himself, but it at least makes sense, doesn't it? He's had plenty of reason to have to. Her grip gently tightens, leaning closer.]

Zero has never thought enough about himself. It's okay for you to be selfish. You can do whatever you want, you know.

[If anyone deserves happiness, he does. What happened with Ichiru... that isn't his fault, either. No one could have known what he would have done.]

Back then, Zero was only that way because I backed you so far into a corner you couldn't get back out, because all that time, the person who needed you the most, was me. I was the one who used and ultimately hurt you.

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notamasochist
2013-05-13 01:29 am UTC (link)

[He backs off just enough to lift his hand to her mouth, two fingers placed over her mouth to quiet her. She hasn't quite gotten it yet. Still blaming herself for things that were out of her control. Things she couldn't have understood.]

You didn't back me into a corner, Yuuki. I placed myself there before you ever even met me. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You didn't stand a chance. That's just who I was...

[His hand drops from her face to wrap his arms around her shoulders again, her tiny frame feeling fragile in his grasp.]

Everything was all about you and your happiness, never understanding how miserable that would make someone who genuinely reciprocated those feelings and wanted happiness for me. I was so preoccupied with punishing myself, I never felt those things I did for you were ever enough.

Yuuki saved me time and time again. That's all I could see. A debt I felt I was never able to repay. Even if your intentions were to feel needed, I did need you. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you.

I just could not ever place myself in the role of the one someone actually needed because I felt my life was born on the sacrifice of another.

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trappedinresin
2013-05-13 03:07 am UTC (link)

[She's quiet, face gently pressed to his chest, his arms warm around her shoulders while he holds her to him. Like this, she can hear the sound of his heart, beating to a similar rhythm of her own. Tear-stained eyes gently close, resting against him, merely listening while he speaks.

To think that from the start they've made mistake after mistake. Despite that, though, her connection to him is one that is not so easily broken. Softly she shakes her head]

I never... felt miserable around Zero.

[Helpless at times, as to how she could best help him, but never miserable.]

I've always been happy being able to stand beside you.

[A quiet, honest, and simple truth. Drawing a breath, she drinks in his scent. How much she's missed the touch of his hand, the feel of his arms, and this nostalgic, comforting scent.]

I understand, though... [About Ichiru. About how difficult it was for him to open up or allow himself to feel deserving. It's a feeling similar to her own, isn't it? Feeling undeserving due to circumstances beyond control.

Shifting her arms wrap around him once again.]

You don't feel that way anymore, do you?

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notamasochist
2013-05-13 03:45 am UTC (link)

[Her arms had always been his greatest comfort. One he'd felt undeserving of in the past. But now he just revels in the feeling of being held by her...and holding onto her. Her words echo his own thoughts exactly. The situation he found himself in had been miserable, but his time with her had always been the part of his time that he remembered.

Her final question makes him think though, wanting to be as honest as he could.]

It's not gone. It's one of those things ingrained into me that I can't see ever just disappearing. As long as I'm alive, accepting the fact that there is nothing wrong with wanting things for myself in life...will be a struggle. But after all this time I finally realize that there are people who want those exact same things for me as I wish for them.

Ichiru's final words to me where to "Live on and do what he couldn't". It took me awhile to really understand them...but I think I do.

I may still have trouble...but I'm trying to make an effort to grasp those things I can't let go of. To be a little selfish if it's something important to me.

[There is nothing--NOTHING--more important than her.]

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trappedinresin
2013-05-14 12:23 pm UTC (link)

[Mention of Ichiru makes her sad, of course. That will be a day that she never forgets. No matter how long she lives. She can remember seeing him clutching the dead body of his brother to him, while quietly slipping from the academy.

She closes her eyes against the new set of tears that prickle the inside of her lids. How much she wishes things could have turned out differently that day. Swallowing back the pain she's quiet when she responds.]

What is it that you want to do now, then...?

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	notamasochist 2013-05-14 01:57 pm UTC (link)
	[That's the million dollar question, isn't it?] I want to make sure I don't have to lose someone again. I don't want you to feel like you have to sacrifice yourself for the sake of someone else. [There's a long pause as he weighs his words carefully.] I want you to move back in. I want you here with me. By my side. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

trappedinresin
2013-05-14 02:12 pm UTC (link)

[ . . . ] There's not much that can be done in this place, regardless. Even if big brother was to appear.

[She can't promise him anything about home, when, if she does return, the chances of her remembering are slim to none. In the end, how else will she be able to stop him?

Pulling back, she stares blankly at his chest. Can things really be so simple, like that? Moving back in after everything...?]

I can't promise that I wont make stupid mistakes again. Over and over... I never learn until everything hits me in the face.

[But she has no intention of trying to steal his memories once more. She never wanted to from the beginning.]

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notamasochist
2013-05-14 02:33 pm UTC (link)

[Frowning at the thought of that guy showing up here again, Zero can't help but feel a little bit of panic at the thought. An insecurity that won't easily be relieved.]

I promised to be there to help you pick up after your blunders already. I've known all this about you.

[He hesitates on the words that follow, voice quiet and uncertain, he's feeling extremely vulnerable. But he needs to do this, for his own sake. Tongue wetting down his dry lips, he takes a deep breath and leaps.]

With everything happening back home--if I'm really that much of a obstacle...

Can I at least have here?

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trappedinresin
2013-05-14 03:38 pm UTC (link)

[He says it as though she thinks of him as a nuisance. But it isn't like that at all. Head shaking, her hands reach up to cup his face once more.]

Don't say it like that.

[Sorrel gaze finding his, their eyes connect. Does he even have the tiniest idea of his how precious and important he is to her? This beautiful, strong man...

On tiptoes her arms slide warm around his neck. An obstacle is something to tackle and discard. But she's never wanted to do something like that with him. Lips parting, her eyes drift shut as she softly presses her mouth to his in a firm and desperate kiss. She wants him to get it, more than anything. Just how much he means to her.

Her breath is a warm whisper against his lips.]

Zero's existence is not something to be tackled and forgotten. I don't know what the future holds, but I- I don't want to live separately from you any more.

[Tightening, her arms clench all the harder. She's not going to let go of him, not like before. If she's managed to learn anything from all of her mistakes and blunders it's this one thing:]

You're too important to me to lose again.

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notamasochist
2013-05-14 08:12 pm UTC (link)

[She'd cradled his face in her hands a million times over the years. It was a familiar and natural to him, so he wasn't expecting what happened next.

Eyes widening as her mouth captures his, Zero isn't even able to react as she pours her every emotion into the kiss. His own heart beats wildly within his chest, breathless and stunned.

When she releases him, still clinging to him so tightly that her words literally dance across his face. He doesn't dare move for fear that everything will come crashing down and he'll wake from this dream.

He barely processes her words, he's so ensnared in what she'd just done. But he does. He's tempted to question if that's really what she wants, if she really understands what it is that he's asking her for...but it's obvious from her actions she gets it. He can't question anything given the manner in which she's provided her answer.

Arms envelope her waist tightly as he feels this emotional weight lift off his shoulders.]

So...can I take that as a yes?

[Forehead leaning forward to press against hers, he's just content to sit there just like this for...forever if he could.

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	trappedinresin 2013-05-14 08:28 pm UTC (link)
	[What kind of a question is that? She smiles against him, staring up into his eyes with a gentle, but emotional laugh] What do you think? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-14 08:39 pm UTC (link)
	[He gives the smallest of smirks, gaze unusually bright as he doesn't dare look away from her.] That you just really missed my cooking. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	trappedinresin 2013-05-14 08:42 pm UTC (link)
	[. . . Of all the times. Her smile falters a little, expression sheepish] After eating my own, you'd miss it too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

notamasochist
2013-05-14 09:02 pm UTC (link)

[The smirk relaxes into one of the most rare expressions to cross his face. A genuine smile. This is what he missed most when they were apart and things were strained between them. There was a naturalness between them that time just couldn't destroy. Comfort. Home.

Gaze finally breaking, he tightens his hold on her and gives her an affectionate hug as he buries his face into her neck and hair.]

Are you feeling well enough to go get your stuff and bring it home?

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	trappedinresin 2013-05-14 09:07 pm UTC (link)
	Considering I had to abandon most of it here, I don't have a lot to carry. [Mostly just clothes] Out of the two of us, you're the one who should be feeling a bit tired, now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	notamasochist 2013-05-14 09:57 pm UTC (link)
	I'm fine. [And he is, genuinely. Pulling away from her, he lets her go and is a little unsure of how to get her moving out of there. Is he supposed to take her hand or...?] Let's just go get that done quick. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)