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Peter Pettigrew ([info]p__pettigrew) wrote in [info]hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-04-20 21:52:00

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Entry tags:character: peter pettigrew, character: sirius black

RP: Peter/Sirius
Who: Peter/Sirius
When: 4:45 20th April
Where: Around Hogwarts
What: Peter checks on Sirius

Peter had kept an eye on Sirius for most of yesterday. He didn't want to approach it immediately, because he'd know that Remus had said something. Sirius was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them. Still he watched as much as he could considering that they didn't even work together. Today, though, he decided to talk to him.

He was accidentally on purpose on the seventh floor. That wasn't strange since technically he still had an office here, one that maybe could be changed from agriculture to DoM. That was a lot cooler anyway. It was also big enough that it would accommodate a few people. So he worked a little in the office, mostly making desks and chairs float so he could decide how he liked it best, before walking down to where Sirius worked with Roxanne. He nodded at her with a smile, before turning to Sirius.

"Hey, it's end of the day. I thought we could go for a walk before dinner. It's a bit on the chilly side, but the sun is out," he said, lingering at the entrance, mostly because he hoped that he could get Sirius out before everyone left their offices. It wasn't that there would be a rush, but both Remus and Regulus worked on this floor and it might be a good idea to avoid the two love birds.


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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-22 08:00 pm UTC (link)
Sirius had been only half focusing on his work, and after a quick Nof from Roxanne followed Peter out of the classroom. He wanted to believe that Peter was just here to say hi, but he wasn't an idiot and he knew Remus likely told Peter. So Peter was here to check up on him. He would have been annoyed by it if he could find that emotion. But he was operating solely on faked enthusiasm and didn't have room for anything else.

"You know me and sun," he said, walking with an extra swing in his step. "How was your day?" He knew Peter didn't technically have a job right now. "I hear that whole department of mysteries thing is getting off the ground. That's great! Did you get to talk to Padma?"

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-22 08:36 pm UTC (link)
"It's like you and girls?" Peter asked with a grin. "And it's been boring," he said with a shrug. "I wouldn't say that it's getting off the ground yet. I did speak with Padma though and she's all for it. I spoke to Ron as well. He said that he'd talk to Harry, but until now, I haven't heard anything official. Still, I think it will happen so I'm preparing our new office.'

The new office was the old office, but he needed to take out some of the things that reminded him of Cassandra as well as things that they wouldn't need while studying magic. "I've moved some blackboards there, and some book shelves. I figured we'll need both."

He looked at Sirius. "So are we going to play it like this? Talking about me and avoiding the hippogriff in the room?" He probably wasn't being sensitive, but if he were subtle, Sirius would never bring Remus up. "I know you saw Remus and Regulus at the club."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-22 08:42 pm UTC (link)
"I do like girls," Sirius agreed. A disaproving voice in the back of his head that sounded a lot like Savannah said women. Sirius ignored it.

"I actually talked to Harry about it the other day. We had lunch. He seems pretty keen on the idea, so I bet it'll be up and running before you know it! I'm going to help! Though I don't want to leave Roxanne high and dry do it'll be a free time/part time thing. Still, new magic!!" He grinned, always thrilled by the prospect of discovering something brand new.

"I did, yup. Who didn't?" He chuckled. "Remus and I talked too. It's all good. So if you're just here to check up on me you can say job well done. I'm fine." He wouldn't be totally surprised if Peter just left, once he'd fulfilled whatever goal he had. Or maybe not, Peter hadn't found anyone better yet. Or, he had, but he'd lost her. Sirius wondered if he should ask Peter how he was doing, or if he'd rather just ignore it. Sirius knew what he would prefer, but Peter wasn't him. Maybe when there was a natural way to bring it up.

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-23 04:10 pm UTC (link)
"I know you do," he said, grinning.

"That's good. If he's talking about it to you, then he probably wants to approve it. He's probably waiting until he figures out how to move people around, with the new arrivals, the ones who left, Cassandra- He'll probably do it all at once. It must get annoying to have to change things every few days." It'd be Sirius' wet dream, but most people didn't like chaos. "And you can help us as much as you want." He was curious to see Sirius deal with one of the most beautiful and unavailable women Peter had ever seen.

"Of course I'm here to check to see if you're doing okay. We're friends and that means that we care about each other, right? That we worry about each other?" Peter wouldn't have needed Remus' message to check on Sirius if he had thought that it was something serious, but he thought that it had been Regulus being drunk more than anything else. "You're also not fine. I know you better than that."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-23 04:35 pm UTC (link)
"I'm as fine as I can be," Sirius said, semi-truthfully. Peter wouldn't believe that be was completely okay, and even in the depths of denial Sirius could admit that he was at least a little upset. "But we talked, and I don't think there's anything else to talk about. He's happy, and I'm happy he's happy, and that's about all there is to that. So we might as well keep talking about the new project. Or we could talk about you. How are you doing?"

He turned his focus to Peter. Was this the natural moment, or would it seem like deflecting instead of genuine interest and concern? Sirius didn't usually think this much about the things he said, and he wasn't very good at it. He worked best off of instinct, but he knew he had to start making a conscious effort not to do that anymore, at least with Remus. Peter would probably appreciate it too, if he was a little less Sirius all the time.

"How are you holding up? For real, not a deflection, I genuinely want to know."

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-23 05:16 pm UTC (link)
"You do understand that it's not an answer, right?" Peter asked, because he wouldn't put it past Sirius to think that he had answered. "And before you say anything, let me who you. I'm doing okay, because Cassandra and I hadn't known each other that long but I'm also angry that she died so young, and I'm angry for her, because she should have enjoyed life, but I'm also angry for me, because she got me. Despite the fact that she was born in the 19th century, she understood me, and I thought I'd never have that, because I'm awful with women, but I was fine with her. I could just talk to her."

He took a deep breath when he was done. He hadn't meant to say all of that, but Sirius needed to hear it. He needed to know that he wasn't the only one with fears and insecurities. "Now you're turn, and don't give me the diplomatic answer. It's really beneath you. You're happy he's happy. Well, yeah, I believe that, but that doesn't answer how you feel about the fact that he's dating your brother."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-23 05:36 pm UTC (link)
Sirius stopped walking long enough to put an arm around him. He was grateful Peter would still open up to him about this stuff, after Sirius' literal meltdown the last time they talked.

"I'm really sorry, for all of it. For her, because she was a really good person, and for you, because you deserved that."

He sighed, then shrugged.

"I mean, do I wish it was literally anyone but Regulus? Yes. Can I change that? No. So, what's to talk about?" The only thing talking would do was rip open the feelings he'd just managed to get fully locked away. He'd already freaked out at Peter, he wasn't going to do it again.

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-23 06:06 pm UTC (link)
Peter hugged Sirius back, and he knew that it was for both of them. "Yeah, it sucks, and I feel bad for making it about me, when she's dead." He pulled back, smiling a little. "Because no matter how much I will miss her, I just met her. I'm mourning her and the loss of what could have been but it wasn't love."

He grabbed Sirius' arms. "Meanwhile, you love Remus. I don't think you're in love with him, but you love him. So there's so much to say. Pads, you need to talk about it, because maybe, just maybe you can see this for what it is." It was that he was afraid of being alone. "And why anyone but Regulus? Why is that important?"

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-26 08:35 pm UTC (link)
"Don't worry Peter, I'm well aware that I only convinced myself that I love Remus." He couldn't keep the hint of bitterness out of his voice. "And come on, you don't think it would be easier if it wasn't someone who hated our guts? Well, hates me and James anyway. And even if Reg and I find some sort of balance some day I doubt that will include James. Lily at least doesn't mind when I'm around."

And eventually Remus would have to choose between them, and Sirius knew perfectly well which brother his pick. News flash, it wasn't Sirius.

"Look, Peter, I know you want to help but there's nothing to figure out here. I'm not going to do something stupid. Promise. I just need to move on. Isn't that what everyone is always telling me to do?"

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 09:02 pm UTC (link)
Peter sighed. "Do you want me to apologise for that, Sirius? Because I won't. Yes, you convinced yourself. Don't you think that it's a bit curious that you are in love with James and Remus, you're two best friends? Don't you feel that it's a bit too coincidental that it started to happen when James got involved with Lily and when Remus stopped talking to you because of that prank with Snape?" he asked. "It would be a lot easier for me to go along and just say what you want to hear, especially right now since we're still on shaky grounds, but believe it or not, I care about you and I want you to see the truth. You love them, you are terrified of losing them, you will do anything to hold onto them but you're not in love with them. There's a difference."

He looked at Sirius, knowing that his friend wouldn't be happy with him but he was done lying to them. "Your brother doesn't hate you. I'm pretty sure that he does hate James, but what does it matter? Seriously what does it matter? They have their wives and lovers but they also have their friends. We don't have to be one big happy commune. We are four friends who are growing up and finding other people. And really of the two of us, I should be worried, not you. You could find that person if you just stopped living in the past and looked ahead, because you are who you are, because people love you. You just have to stop putting up walls. You're not like me, the one who betrayed the Potter, the evil one. Hell, even before all of that, I couldn't get people to look at me, so stop with pretending that you couldn't have what they have with a person you are really in love with."

He snorted. "Sirius, I want you to move on. I want you to realize that we aren't fifteen or in school. I want you to realize that you need to stop pretending that we can have sleepovers like children. Most of all, I want you to realize that you can be happy if you only let yourself be."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-26 09:22 pm UTC (link)
"I don't care that you said it," Sirius said truthfully. It had only really hurt when Remus repeated it, then tried to pass it off as something he'd thought of himself instead.

Peter really did think he had Sirius all figured out, didn't he. That Sirius hadn't had dreams about both of them before he'd even known being with boys was an option. That friendship couldn't lead to deeper feelings, and that loving more than one person meant those feelings weren't valid. Why was everyone so sure that their idea of what love was or meant was the only correct option?

"You know what Peter? I'm getting really sick of people deciding they know me better than I know myself. I don't think it's such a crazy stretch to believe that years of emotional and physical intimacy with people could lead to deeper feelings, and I don't think that having them for more than one person means they're not real! I've accepted that neither of them feel the same way, but I'm done with people telling me I don't know my own heart. Okay? So think whatever you want, but you don't know what I feel. And you don't get to decide for me what is and isn't valid."

He stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall.

"You're not fucking evil Peter. You've already met someone who likes you, and I'm really sorry you lost her, but that just proves that you can do it, and you could do it again. And it matters because, surprisingly, it's actually really hard to stay friends when you don't ever see someone. If Remus has to choose between me and James and Regulus who do you think he's going to pick? I've accepted that I can't be with him but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him outside of full moons! But that's something for the future and not something I have any control over so what's the fucking point of dwelling on it?"

He pushed off the wall and started walking again.

"You can come if you want but I'm done talking about this. Think whatever you like about me, I don't give a shit."

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 10:08 pm UTC (link)
"Yes, I think it's really a stretch of the imagination when you can't even pick between James and Remus. And again, I'm not saying that you don't love them. Fuck, Sirius, I've always known that you love them more than you love me. That was half of the fucking problem," he said. "But, yes, I think the fact that you can't pick means that it's not true love, not that kind of love that hurts if you can't be that one person and only that person. I've seen my grandparents, I've seen my uncle and my aunt. I've seen my mother refuse to date anyone, because she couldn't imagine life with anyone but my dead father."

He threw his arms in the air. "Fine, you know your own heart, although maybe, just maybe think about what I said, okay? And if I'm wrong, then I'm sorry. I really am. And if I'm not, then maybe find that person you really love because you deserve that."

He sighed. "Sirius, I had one person in my life look at me and see me. One. I've had quick shags with women who most definitely did not want a relationship until a woman from the nineteenth century showed up. Come on! What are the chances of that happening again?" He pinched his nose. "Why does he have to pick, Sirius? Why? Love and friendship aren't an either or. Sure, if the Dark Lord shows up tomorrow and he has to protect one, he might protect Regulus, just like James would protect Lily, but somehow you are okay with one and not the other. But we aren't talking about that. We're talking about talking to Remus. You don't have to wait until the full moon. You can go to his office and say 'hey want to have dinner with me?' and maybe it won't be every night, but that doesn't mean that you've lost a friend."

Peter went after Sirius. "I think that you're hurt and you have a tendency of exaggerating and do you know why I worry? Because you will stop talking to Remus, because you've convinced yourself that he will turn his back on you, so you're doing it first because it'll hurt less. Guess what? He won't turn his back on you and if you do, it will still hurt like hell. Trust me on this, because I'm idiot enough to have done it."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-26 10:26 pm UTC (link)
Sirius sighed and sat down on the floor, because apparently they were doing this no matter what. But he was tired, and he didn't have it in him to fight Peter. He didn't agree with him though. Soulmates and one person only were real forms of love, yes, but they weren't the only kinds of love. He'd known people who lived with and loved two, three, even more. Maybe it didn't always work, but it could, and it wasn't any less real than any other forms of love. But he wasn't going to argue about it.

"You think anyone's ever looked at me and seen more than, than a face? A body? They don't." He sighed. "Even Remus, even he thinks, thought, that I wouldn't have wanted more than that. Do you know how many people have come back after I slept with them? One. And I'm pretty sure it's just because there isn't anyone else at this castle for him to fuck." He looked up at Peter. "You have a lot more going for you than you think. You say I need to move on from the past, and yeah, you're probably right. But you do too Pete. You're selling yourself short, and you'll find someone else. You deserve that too."

He shook his head and let it hit the wall.

"I know I haven't lost my friend." He didn't at the 'yet'. "But I think you're underestimating just what it means to be best friends with people your partner doesn't like. It won't happen today, or tomorrow, but like you said, growing up. Finding new people. Moving on. It'll happen, eventually. And I'm dealing with that. I haven't pushed him away. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm even going to talk to Regulus. Tell him I'm happy for him, try to make some sort of peace. I can't do anything else."

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 11:37 pm UTC (link)
Peter sat down next to Sirius and put an arm around. "Sirius, when's the last time you've let anyone see past the pretty face and body? You don't even let us see you and we need to fight your instinct to close up. Even Remus thought you wanted a one-night stand, because you never gave the impression to want anything else. People aren't mind readers, you know? You need to open up for them to know that." He sighed. "Again, have you ever given anyone the indication that you want something long lasting or did you say that you wanted no string attached?"

He snorted. "Sirius, are you seriously complaining that you're only fucking on person right now? Because most of us aren't fucking anyone." He shrugged. "I know I deserve it, whether it will happen is something else, but you know the difference between the two of us? That I'm not closing off the possibility."

He could hear the inner dialogue Sirius was having. "And again I say your brother doesn't hate you. This isn't about Remus and James, you know? It's about you and Remus. You can spend time with the two of them, and if your complaint is that we won't spend time together, well when's the last time we spent time together, all four of us? We stopped long before your brother was an issue, but talking to your brother will make things easier for Remus."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-27 12:48 am UTC (link)
Had he ever told someone he wanted something more? No. The only people he'd ever wanted more with hadn't exactly been options. Except now he knew that Remus had wanted that, and Sirius had been too scared to... Nope. That ship has sailed. Don't think about it.

"I don't usually talk to the people I shag," he said sarcastically. "I rarely even know their names."

He laughed darkly, shaking his head.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that of the... Dozens? More? Doesn't matter. Of all the people I've fucked only one has ever come back, and even I'm not stupid enough to think Kirley cares beyond whatever fun we can have. Sometimes, I mean, he's nice to me, he makes sure it's fun, doesn't hurt, which most men don't care about, but even I know that isn't, like, anything it's not." He wasn't saying it right. He didn't even know what he was trying to get across.

Peter kept taking, and all Sirius could do was shake his head.

"I know you all say that happens, that we don't spend time together anymore, but Pete, that didn't happen with me. We still saw each other all the time. Order meetings, missions, dinners at James and Lilys, karaoke parties, full moons. We had school, then we had the war, then we were here. If you were growing apart, if everyone else was, I wasn't. I didn't. I can't just change all at once. I'm doing the best I can."

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-27 01:09 am UTC (link)
"Well, maybe that might be a reason why they don't come back. Also, shagging random Muggles works even less when they don't even know about the wizarding world." Not that it was going to be a problem here.

Peter sighed. "Sirius, again, you make it very difficult for people to think that you care. Whether you meant to or not, you've cultivated this image of the bad boy, the one who doesn't want to be tied down. When that's the image, the people you attract are the ones who don't want repeats." He listened to Sirius describe Kirley and a sense of panic set in. This sounded the start of another love affair. "What kind of people have you been shagging that don't even care if it's good? Fuck, I've paid for sex and I've made sure that it was good."

He squeezed Sirius' shoulder gently. "Maybe things are different with Kirley, because he knows more about you than the other people. Even if it's not serious, it's still different." Peter leaned his head and pressed it against Sirius. "Except it did change, Sirius. Maybe not as much where you're from, but it had started to change. Remus had started his missions and not being around. I worked so I didn't have as much time. What you mean is that you and James and Lily were spending time together."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-27 01:58 am UTC (link)
Sirius just shrugged. It wasn't like he could just sneak off to shag muggles here anyway. He wasn't even sure he wanted to anymore.

"Maybe it's different with women? I don't know. But most men, or, I guess, the men I shagged, they didn't care what happened as long as they got off. It was always quick, and dirty, and sometimes I was just..." Too drunk, too angry, too everything. Sometimes he'd let them hurt him because he felt like he deserved it. "But it was always the same bars. I'd see them again. But they'd never look at me after the first time. They'd gotten what they wanted." He shook his head. "Nevermind, that isn't what we were talking about anyway."

He let his own head fall against Peters, even as he felt guilty for always being so damn needy.

"Maybe. I don't know." It was different with Kirley, was it possible that it could be more? Was that what Peter meant, that he should let Kirley in? He was gentle, and kind, and affectionate. Maybe, if Sirius said the right things, maybe he'd want to stick around. Not that Sirius really wanted that from Kirley, but right now he'd take some proof of desirability from almost anyone.

"You guys were still there," he protested, though Peter and Remus had been gone more often. He and James usually had missions together, and Remus had just started disappearing for days at a time. Maybe it had been happening and Sirius just didn't notice. Or, more truthfully, he'd chosen not to notice because the implication was something he didn't want to deal with. Growing up. Growing apart. Moving on. Without him.

"So we grew apart then. We'll grow apart now. Maybe we won't all die in the process this time. I can't change it. I shouldn't change it. So I don't know what you expect from me Pete."

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-27 02:48 am UTC (link)
"Once again, Sirius, you went to a bloody bar to pick up random people whose names you didn't know. That's not really conducive to real relationships or even repeats." Peter shook his head. "You don't see how it's all connected, do you? I swear you're worse than me."

Peter smiled. "Just let people in, Sirius and you'll be surprised how different things can be."

He nodded. "We were, just not as much, and with time, we were there a little less, and that's okay, because that's not what drove us apart. It was the jealousy, the mistrust, the secrets. What I'm badly trying to say is that we don't have to be in each other's pockets to still be friends. WE just have to learn to talk like we're doing now, and even if we don't spend every minute together, we're still friends."

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[info]_withoutacause
2021-04-28 08:42 pm UTC (link)
Sirius just laughed. Because yeah, when you put it that way... He didn't really have anything else to say. He'd said more than he meant to already. But still, he'd give Kirley a chance. A real chance. He'd let him in. Maybe Peter was right, maybe this time it would be different.

"None of us are actually any good at talking, are we," he sighed. He knew things were still complicated with Peter and James and Lily. Now things were complicated with Remus. Sirius hated it when things changed. But it was inevitable. He'd just have to take it day by day.

"At least we're trying, right?"

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[info]p__pettigrew
2021-04-28 08:52 pm UTC (link)
"No." He leaned back against the wall, looking ahead. "We were all broken long before the war,I think. Except for James. Maybe that's why we all gravitated toward him at the start. He was the normal one. He was rich, good family, nothing damaging in his life. We- Remus was turned as a child. My dad died and his family never wanted to see me again, Mum working so much that I barely saw her, no money to survive, let alone presents. You and your family. How do you expect any of us to be good at this."

He nodded. "At least we're trying, and we'll keep trying, because this time, we'll get it right. So now, why don't we have dinner together? The two bachelors left. We can paint the town red, and by that, I mean let's spend the evening creating more of the map."

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