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Tweak says, "Beep."

Peter Pettigrew (p__pettigrew) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-04-20 21:52:00

Entry tags:

character: peter pettigrew, character: sirius black

RP: Peter/Sirius
Who: Peter/Sirius
When: 4:45 20th April
Where: Around Hogwarts
What: Peter checks on Sirius

Peter had kept an eye on Sirius for most of yesterday. He didn't want to approach it immediately, because he'd know that Remus had said something. Sirius was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them. Still he watched as much as he could considering that they didn't even work together. Today, though, he decided to talk to him.

He was accidentally on purpose on the seventh floor. That wasn't strange since technically he still had an office here, one that maybe could be changed from agriculture to DoM. That was a lot cooler anyway. It was also big enough that it would accommodate a few people. So he worked a little in the office, mostly making desks and chairs float so he could decide how he liked it best, before walking down to where Sirius worked with Roxanne. He nodded at her with a smile, before turning to Sirius.

"Hey, it's end of the day. I thought we could go for a walk before dinner. It's a bit on the chilly side, but the sun is out," he said, lingering at the entrance, mostly because he hoped that he could get Sirius out before everyone left their offices. It wasn't that there would be a rush, but both Remus and Regulus worked on this floor and it might be a good idea to avoid the two love birds.

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_withoutacause
2021-04-23 05:36 pm UTC (link)

Sirius stopped walking long enough to put an arm around him. He was grateful Peter would still open up to him about this stuff, after Sirius' literal meltdown the last time they talked.

"I'm really sorry, for all of it. For her, because she was a really good person, and for you, because you deserved that."

He sighed, then shrugged.

"I mean, do I wish it was literally anyone but Regulus? Yes. Can I change that? No. So, what's to talk about?" The only thing talking would do was rip open the feelings he'd just managed to get fully locked away. He'd already freaked out at Peter, he wasn't going to do it again.

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-23 06:06 pm UTC (link)

Peter hugged Sirius back, and he knew that it was for both of them. "Yeah, it sucks, and I feel bad for making it about me, when she's dead." He pulled back, smiling a little. "Because no matter how much I will miss her, I just met her. I'm mourning her and the loss of what could have been but it wasn't love."

He grabbed Sirius' arms. "Meanwhile, you love Remus. I don't think you're in love with him, but you love him. So there's so much to say. Pads, you need to talk about it, because maybe, just maybe you can see this for what it is." It was that he was afraid of being alone. "And why anyone but Regulus? Why is that important?"

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_withoutacause
2021-04-26 08:35 pm UTC (link)

"Don't worry Peter, I'm well aware that I only convinced myself that I love Remus." He couldn't keep the hint of bitterness out of his voice. "And come on, you don't think it would be easier if it wasn't someone who hated our guts? Well, hates me and James anyway. And even if Reg and I find some sort of balance some day I doubt that will include James. Lily at least doesn't mind when I'm around."

And eventually Remus would have to choose between them, and Sirius knew perfectly well which brother his pick. News flash, it wasn't Sirius.

"Look, Peter, I know you want to help but there's nothing to figure out here. I'm not going to do something stupid. Promise. I just need to move on. Isn't that what everyone is always telling me to do?"

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 09:02 pm UTC (link)

Peter sighed. "Do you want me to apologise for that, Sirius? Because I won't. Yes, you convinced yourself. Don't you think that it's a bit curious that you are in love with James and Remus, you're two best friends? Don't you feel that it's a bit too coincidental that it started to happen when James got involved with Lily and when Remus stopped talking to you because of that prank with Snape?" he asked. "It would be a lot easier for me to go along and just say what you want to hear, especially right now since we're still on shaky grounds, but believe it or not, I care about you and I want you to see the truth. You love them, you are terrified of losing them, you will do anything to hold onto them but you're not in love with them. There's a difference."

He looked at Sirius, knowing that his friend wouldn't be happy with him but he was done lying to them. "Your brother doesn't hate you. I'm pretty sure that he does hate James, but what does it matter? Seriously what does it matter? They have their wives and lovers but they also have their friends. We don't have to be one big happy commune. We are four friends who are growing up and finding other people. And really of the two of us, I should be worried, not you. You could find that person if you just stopped living in the past and looked ahead, because you are who you are, because people love you. You just have to stop putting up walls. You're not like me, the one who betrayed the Potter, the evil one. Hell, even before all of that, I couldn't get people to look at me, so stop with pretending that you couldn't have what they have with a person you are really in love with."

He snorted. "Sirius, I want you to move on. I want you to realize that we aren't fifteen or in school. I want you to realize that you need to stop pretending that we can have sleepovers like children. Most of all, I want you to realize that you can be happy if you only let yourself be."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-26 09:22 pm UTC (link)

"I don't care that you said it," Sirius said truthfully. It had only really hurt when Remus repeated it, then tried to pass it off as something he'd thought of himself instead.

Peter really did think he had Sirius all figured out, didn't he. That Sirius hadn't had dreams about both of them before he'd even known being with boys was an option. That friendship couldn't lead to deeper feelings, and that loving more than one person meant those feelings weren't valid. Why was everyone so sure that their idea of what love was or meant was the only correct option?

"You know what Peter? I'm getting really sick of people deciding they know me better than I know myself. I don't think it's such a crazy stretch to believe that years of emotional and physical intimacy with people could lead to deeper feelings, and I don't think that having them for more than one person means they're not real! I've accepted that neither of them feel the same way, but I'm done with people telling me I don't know my own heart. Okay? So think whatever you want, but you don't know what I feel. And you don't get to decide for me what is and isn't valid."

He stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall.

"You're not fucking evil Peter. You've already met someone who likes you, and I'm really sorry you lost her, but that just proves that you can do it, and you could do it again. And it matters because, surprisingly, it's actually really hard to stay friends when you don't ever see someone. If Remus has to choose between me and James and Regulus who do you think he's going to pick? I've accepted that I can't be with him but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him outside of full moons! But that's something for the future and not something I have any control over so what's the fucking point of dwelling on it?"

He pushed off the wall and started walking again.

"You can come if you want but I'm done talking about this. Think whatever you like about me, I don't give a shit."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 10:08 pm UTC (link)

"Yes, I think it's really a stretch of the imagination when you can't even pick between James and Remus. And again, I'm not saying that you don't love them. Fuck, Sirius, I've always known that you love them more than you love me. That was half of the fucking problem," he said. "But, yes, I think the fact that you can't pick means that it's not true love, not that kind of love that hurts if you can't be that one person and only that person. I've seen my grandparents, I've seen my uncle and my aunt. I've seen my mother refuse to date anyone, because she couldn't imagine life with anyone but my dead father."

He threw his arms in the air. "Fine, you know your own heart, although maybe, just maybe think about what I said, okay? And if I'm wrong, then I'm sorry. I really am. And if I'm not, then maybe find that person you really love because you deserve that."

He sighed. "Sirius, I had one person in my life look at me and see me. One. I've had quick shags with women who most definitely did not want a relationship until a woman from the nineteenth century showed up. Come on! What are the chances of that happening again?" He pinched his nose. "Why does he have to pick, Sirius? Why? Love and friendship aren't an either or. Sure, if the Dark Lord shows up tomorrow and he has to protect one, he might protect Regulus, just like James would protect Lily, but somehow you are okay with one and not the other. But we aren't talking about that. We're talking about talking to Remus. You don't have to wait until the full moon. You can go to his office and say 'hey want to have dinner with me?' and maybe it won't be every night, but that doesn't mean that you've lost a friend."

Peter went after Sirius. "I think that you're hurt and you have a tendency of exaggerating and do you know why I worry? Because you will stop talking to Remus, because you've convinced yourself that he will turn his back on you, so you're doing it first because it'll hurt less. Guess what? He won't turn his back on you and if you do, it will still hurt like hell. Trust me on this, because I'm idiot enough to have done it."

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_withoutacause
2021-04-26 10:26 pm UTC (link)

Sirius sighed and sat down on the floor, because apparently they were doing this no matter what. But he was tired, and he didn't have it in him to fight Peter. He didn't agree with him though. Soulmates and one person only were real forms of love, yes, but they weren't the only kinds of love. He'd known people who lived with and loved two, three, even more. Maybe it didn't always work, but it could, and it wasn't any less real than any other forms of love. But he wasn't going to argue about it.

"You think anyone's ever looked at me and seen more than, than a face? A body? They don't." He sighed. "Even Remus, even he thinks, thought, that I wouldn't have wanted more than that. Do you know how many people have come back after I slept with them? One. And I'm pretty sure it's just because there isn't anyone else at this castle for him to fuck." He looked up at Peter. "You have a lot more going for you than you think. You say I need to move on from the past, and yeah, you're probably right. But you do too Pete. You're selling yourself short, and you'll find someone else. You deserve that too."

He shook his head and let it hit the wall.

"I know I haven't lost my friend." He didn't at the 'yet'. "But I think you're underestimating just what it means to be best friends with people your partner doesn't like. It won't happen today, or tomorrow, but like you said, growing up. Finding new people. Moving on. It'll happen, eventually. And I'm dealing with that. I haven't pushed him away. I'm not pushing anyone away. I'm even going to talk to Regulus. Tell him I'm happy for him, try to make some sort of peace. I can't do anything else."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-26 11:37 pm UTC (link)

Peter sat down next to Sirius and put an arm around. "Sirius, when's the last time you've let anyone see past the pretty face and body? You don't even let us see you and we need to fight your instinct to close up. Even Remus thought you wanted a one-night stand, because you never gave the impression to want anything else. People aren't mind readers, you know? You need to open up for them to know that." He sighed. "Again, have you ever given anyone the indication that you want something long lasting or did you say that you wanted no string attached?"

He snorted. "Sirius, are you seriously complaining that you're only fucking on person right now? Because most of us aren't fucking anyone." He shrugged. "I know I deserve it, whether it will happen is something else, but you know the difference between the two of us? That I'm not closing off the possibility."

He could hear the inner dialogue Sirius was having. "And again I say your brother doesn't hate you. This isn't about Remus and James, you know? It's about you and Remus. You can spend time with the two of them, and if your complaint is that we won't spend time together, well when's the last time we spent time together, all four of us? We stopped long before your brother was an issue, but talking to your brother will make things easier for Remus."

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