The Crow Syndrome

2:12AM - Part One of the Sporking of the aptly named "Blasphemy"

Story Or Series Title: Blasphemy
Fandom: Lucius Malfoy and the Sadists of Doom
Culprit Author's Name: Crudedude

Full Name (plus titles if any): Lucius Malfoy, Tom "Voldemort" Riddle and Abraxas Malfoy, mainly. Supposedly Dumbledore is in this fic, but the author replaces him with an OC early on
Full Species(es): Catholic Wizards, Canon Stus
Hair Color (include adjectives): movie canon, I think. Abraxas: unmentioned
Eye Color (include adjectives): Lucius: "large grey eyes" Voldemort: As canon, if I'm not mistaken. Abraxas: The standard Malfoy cold and grey.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Lucius: "a cute nose," a red wang and "His mouth is wide and his full lips are as red as his nipples." He also happens to be pink almost all over. He'll have some major physical and mental scars before this pans out. Voldemort: His 7 inch wanger. Abraxas: A larger prick than Voldemort. You know that's going to get him killed.
Special Possessions (if any): Lucius: a bloody kilt and clothes that are too tight for him, a leotard and tights, innocence and a pubis. Also, possibly, an ass-hymen. Voldemort: a harem of willing nuns, a TV on which to watch his students do nekkid things, a toga, a Catholic school to call his own and a cassock. Abraxas: A wife named after a Cassie Claire sue, a Roman legionary costume and a membership to a secret society of demented folks. Someone in this fic is in possession of a Chrysler 300. Most of the characters posses a large amount of money with which to do stupid things

Annoying Origin: Well, Lucius came from his parents. The other two I suspect were raised by wolves.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: They want so badly to be them. They fail.
Annoying Special Abilities: Lucius: Has the ability to remain so very innocent in a very perverted school. Voldemort: Hasn't been excommunicated yet. Abraxas: Finds his own son attractive and gets away with selling said son (and his heir) to a pack of nuts.
Other Annoying Traits: The lot of it, though particularly that Lucius dies at the end of the fic, thus rendering Draco a physical impossibility.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

( Read more... )

11:29PM - MELODY KARI STARLIGHT, DEMON-SLAYING RPG SUE

Part One

Story Or Series Title: The Warrior and the Demon Slayer
Fandom: Lord of the Munchkins.
Culprit Author's Name: Melody Kari Starlight
What follows is not my write-up, but the Suethor’s. It’s how she starts the story.

Think this looks suspiciously like an RGB profile? Give yourself a cookie (But don’t harass her, PLEASE. It’ll just get me into trouble.)

Name: Melody Kari Starlight Also– The Slayer.
Gender: Female.
Species: Half-Demon and half Angel (but looks human)
Home world: The Other Realm but was sent to earth.
Age: Unknown but looks to be in her teens yet she can look 20 to 25 years of age.
Height: 6"0
Weight: 8 stone
Build: Slim yet Muscular
Skin colour: white (But on earth it is a light peach)
Eye Colour: Crystal Blue with grey that makes it seem as if her eyes are swirling.
Hair Colour: Dark Brown with light brown highlights naturally.
Clothing: Black jeans and a black No Angel's top. The top has no sleeves and has a sliver chain that goes a cross the top. She also wears a black jacket
Additional Physical Information: Her hairstyle is long and at times she ties it up. And other times she has it lose. Her shoe size is 4 and she has thin eyebrows. She has a tattoo on her arm it is three lines going across and one going down with three dot's at the side of the one line. She also has a birthmark that looks like the crest of light. (From Digimon)

And now, let’s return to our usual programming–

Annoying Special Abilities: Magik!111! 733t fighting skillz !!!eleventy-one!!! Is virtually impossible to kill (worse luck).
Other Annoying Traits: Has an unbelievably long, complex and wangsty backstory which happens to include elements from just about every fandom ever (just in case the Digimon birthmark didn’t tip you off). Is a “very gentle”, “kind”, “caring”, and “sensitive” SERIAL KILLER. I’m not making that up. Is headed for Middle-earth.

( The Sue crashes her car and wakes up in Middle-earth. As usual. )

11:42PM - MELODY KARI STARLIGHT

Cross-posted to Deleterius.

Story Or Series Title: The Warrior and the Demon Slayer
Fandom: Lord of the Munchkins.
Culprit Author's Name: Melody Kari Starlight

Summary: Melody falls into Middle Earth sometime between the east gate of Moria and the forest of Lothlórien and travel with the Fellowship, battling orcs and Uruks along the way. Although she knows what’s going to happen, she wisely keeps her mouth shut.

Yep. It’s another bloody Tenth Walker. You have been warned.

Read and Review Please.

Melody’s bio so you know her character in this story.

God forbid the Suethor should waste time on description or character development.

As you can see, the write-up is in a somewhat different format from usual. This is because I didn’t write it– THE SUETHOR DID! That’s right, this most thoughtful of Suethors has written up her own Sue to save me the trouble.

That, or she just copied and pasted her character sheet.

She’s the one in pink.

Name: Melody Kari Starlight Oh, yes. This is going to hurt, lots.
Gender: Female I’m glad to hear it, considering her name’s Melody Kari Starlight.
Species: Half-Demon and half Angel (but looks human) ...SOMEHOW!™
Home world: The Other Realm but was sent to earth. ...SOMEHOW!™
Age: Unknown but looks to be in her teens yet she can look 20 to 25 years of age. Whenever they send her out to get the beer.
Height: 6"0
Weight: 8 stone
Build: Slim yet Muscular Ahem. I think “anorexic” is the word you’re looking for.
Skin colour: white (But on earth it is a light peach) We’ve seen colour-changing eyes often enough– why not colour-changing skin?
Eye Colour: Crystal Blue with grey that makes it seem as if her eyes are swirling. Me want COOKIE!
Hair Colour: Dark Brown with light brown highlights naturally. Unlike the rest of us, who have to use dye.
Clothing: Black jeans and a black No Angel's top. The top has no sleeves and has a sliver chain that goes a cross the top. She also wears a black jacket She would.
Additional Physical Information: Her hairstyle is long and at times she ties it up. And other times she has it lose. Her shoe size is 4 and she has thin eyebrows. She has a tattoo on her arm it is three lines going across and one going down with three dot's at the side of the one line. She also has a birthmark that looks like the crest of light. (From Digimon) Oh no. Oh hell. How am I going to get through this alive? My brain’s starting to melt, and the story hasn’t even started.
( And it’s not over yet. There’s more behind this lj cut... )

7:46PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR VII

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six

Warning: This sporking contains extreme stupidity and high levels of SOMEHOW!^TM

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny Density)
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. New: Mariel.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”Raven-dark.” New: “Dark blonde.”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark. New: Hazel, “filled with the light of a thousand stars”.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Gorgeous, despite being a mixture of Orc, Human, Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, Ent etc. Looks “more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron”. Doesn’t have green lips even though she has green blood.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which “made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman”.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Instant healing powers. Can only by killed by Andúril. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in. New: Gets resurrected!
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase. New: Treacherous– sells out to Sauron in exchange for her freedom. That’s her “GOOD” personality I’m talking about!
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( In which everyone is a moron. )
( In which the Sue betrays the Fellowship AGAIN. No-one blames her. )
( In which the story turns into a song-fic with overtones of paedophilia. )

2:02PM - Enella - A Fairy Sue, Gunning for Ol' Blondie...

This is cross-posted from you-know-where...

Story Or Series Title: A Fairys Tale Enella The Star of the Sea
Fandom: Listen, my child! Do you hear the Tolkien rolling?
Culprit Author's Name: lesleana

Full Name (plus titles if any):  Enella, the Star of the Sea, just like the title says
Full Species(es):  Crossbreed of Elf and Human, so naturally she's a Fairy
Hair Color (include adjectives):  Brown
Eye Color (include adjectives):  Dull Blue
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Not yet, but she's young
Special Possessions (if any):  Nyet

Annoying Origin: Her Mom was a Sue, so I guess she inherited the job
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters:  Arwen et al are raising her, Gandalf's her Grandaddy, Legolas will cut out his eyes if she asks him to.
Annoying Special Abilities:  Confuses rudeness for wit
Other Annoying Traits:  Doesn't like rain, reminds her of her twagic past, is longing for the sea...(I say we just drown her and get it over with)

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: 

7:13PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR VI

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny Density)
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”Raven-dark.”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Gorgeous, despite being a mixture of Orc, Human, Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, Ent etc. Looks “more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron”. Doesn’t have green lips even though she has green blood.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which “made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman”.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Instant healing powers. Can only by killed by Andúril. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( For the first time, see Tolkien’s famous epic enacted ENTIRELY BY MONKEYS! )
( What am I talking about? Monkeys are smarter than this! )

7:07PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR V

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny Density)
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”Raven-dark.”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Gorgeous, despite being a mixture of Orc, Human, Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, Ent etc. Looks “more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron”. Doesn’t have green lips even though she has green blood.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which “made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman”.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Instant healing powers. Can only by killed by Andúril. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( This way for your weekly dose of EPIC FAIL... )

11:21PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR IV

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

I don't know why the hell I'm linking to the previous episodes, since I've posted them one after the other. Habit, I suppose.

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) In view of the fact that all the characters are thick as bricks, I’m re-naming it Burdens of Density.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She's a Human-Elf-Dwarf-Troll-Orc-Ent-Hobbit-Maia-Anything-I've-Left-Out. And she's gorgeous. What can I say?
Special Possessions (if any): Formerly a jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. She lost those, so now she has replacements. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which sounds like it has those conical bra-cups à la Madonna.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( Be vewy quiet. We’re hunting Sues. )
( Now she’s a Sith Lord! )

12:33PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR III

Part One
Part Two

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny).
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. <––Surprisingly, this does NOT mean the Sue is Mrs Gorthaur. It means... um... well, it doesn’t mean anything, as a matter of fact.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. As the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in, she is now much in demand. Yes, at one stroke the Sue has made herself into the main character AND the MacGuffin. ‘Bye, Frodo, ‘bye Ring. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( Notice: all travellers entering the Sueniverse must have their inner skulls examined for traces of illegal substances, such as brains. )

12:28PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR II

Part One

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) No, I don’t know what the brackets are for.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. = INSTANT SUENESS!
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Is more important to the bad guys than the Ring is. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( I’m used to Sue-fic being illogical, but this takes the lembas )

9:48AM - Gandalf's Gift - Being Returned for Store Credit

Well, here's a fun little spork I did way back on Deleterius.  Enjoy....

Story Or Series Title: Gandalf's Gift to Middle Earth
Fandom: Ring? What ring?
Culprit Author's Name: Roseville

Full Name (plus titles if any): Gwendolyn Grey Peters
Full Species(es):  Fillis Gandalfus (is that right?)
Hair Color (include adjectives):  honey-blonde
Eye Color (include adjectives):  bright blue
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Give it time
Special Possessions (if any):  Seems to live in Gandalf's purse.

Annoying Origin:  Mama bamfed into ME
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Claims Maia DNA
Annoying Special Abilities:  very very very powerful witch
Other Annoying Traits:  Mixing up potions in the coffee maker

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: 

 

The preceeding is a satirical review. It quotes from original fanfiction in order to make with the mockery. I do not own this fanfiction, I did not write it, and I make no claim to have done so. Indeed, I strongly insist otherwise. If you claim that I wrote this fanfic, I will, in fact, sue you for slander.

12:58PM - ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR

Cross-posted from my Insane Journal and Deleterius. The first installment in a long, sorry saga of Sueness.

Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) No, I don’t know what the brackets are for.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. = INSTANT SUENESS!
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Will probably turn out to have the usual deep connection to the Ring. Has legends about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
( Attn: fantasy writers! Never forget to kick-off your novel with an incredibly confusing prologue. )

4:24PM - Open Membership and a New Spork

Hey kids,

I'm switching the asylum to Open membership for a while. So feel free to join up!

Also, Topazlily has a new spork at:

http://topazlily.insanejournal.com/1813.html#cutid1

*shoos* Go, read!

3:45PM - Gred & Forge: Undead and Lovin' It

Spoiler Warning for Deathly Hallows!  In fic and in spork.

Creepy revivification fic! Now with extra barbeque sauce!

2:27PM - A (Soggy) Letter From Frodo

In which I spork a fic chockfull and overflowing with angst and sentimentality.  Make sure you have your insulin shot ready and waiting, the sugar overload may be dangerous to your health...

As always, please note that:
The following is a satirical review. It quotes from original fanfiction in order to make with the mockery. I do not own this fanfiction, I did not write it, and I make no claim to have done so. Indeed, I strongly insist otherwise. If you claim that I wrote this fanfic, I will, in fact, sue you for slander.

12:23AM - Intro Post

This is a new asylum for sporking badfic! It'll be a moderated community. I'm too tired to post details tonight, so here's a link instead! Mark Twain, Lord of Sarcasm, rips James Fenimore Cooper a new one:

http://ww3.telerama.com/~joseph/cooper/cooper.html

(Because Mark Twain freaking invented sporking, mmkay?)