topazlily (topazlily) wrote in crow_syndrome, @ 2007-10-11 19:07:00 |
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Current mood: | aggravated |
ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR V
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny Density)
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”Raven-dark.”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Gorgeous, despite being a mixture of Orc, Human, Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, Ent etc. Looks “more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron”. Doesn’t have green lips even though she has green blood.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which “made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman”.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Instant healing powers. Can only by killed by Andúril. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Burdens
Part VIII – Gollum
Topaz: Hello, readers. For those of you who don’t know the premise, the Sue has dragged the Fellowship of the Ring into an alternative dimension, where their brains are slowly melting. Can they escape the Sueniverse before their IQs are reduced to zero?
Well, that’s what I think is happening, anyway.
With her raven-dark hair sprawled across the white sheets, Eldravine looked more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron. Even and especially in the somewhat primitive dwellings of the Ents of Fangorn, she seemed to radiate a beauty only matched by the Elf-maidens Galadriel and Arwen. Her likeness to them was only natural but she was not like them - not like them at all.
Topaz: Do you see me arguing?
She was unique, a creature created to breed darkness and destruction and this was to be taken lightly.
Annatar: I couldn't agree more.
As the Hybrid of Mordor, she was destined to be alone, forever.
Annatar: She has scarcely been alone for a minute since this disaster began!
Topaz: Of course not, my Lord. Sues are unable to live without constant attention. If Aragorn and Gandalf really want to kill her, all they need to do is ignore her for an hour or two.
She had been stripped of all her weapons and now lay unconscious in what the Ents had compiled for a bed. She was clad in the same white material as the sheets - the dress was more like two seperate pieces of clothing, letting the air circulate around the festering wound in her side. She looked unhumanly appealing, Aragorn admitted. So appealing, in fact, that he had an urge to run his hand down the front of her slim figure. But he resisted. Instead, he stroked her cheek, with the back of his hand to make it more impersonal. The movement was gently, almost hesitant, but it meant something and he knew it.
Topaz: Yes, it means Arwen’s going to have to smack a bitch.
'Do you like the dress?' Gandalf's voice sounded from behind him.
From the corner of his eye, Aragorn saw him leaning on his staff and said nothing.
'I made it,' the wizard continued, studying it with his own blue eyes. 'It's really rather practical - that wound you gave her needed air. Looks quite nice too, if I say so myself.'
Topaz: Yes, it’s Couturier!Gandalf, Maia of many talents.
Aragorn is curious about the Ents:
'But what if they had been on the other side?'
'Then Saruman wouldn't have been burning their forest, would he?'
There was a faintest twinkle of the old, grey Gandalf there for a moment but it was gone in an instant. Humor seemed so out of place during those times that it sometimes took him a moment to recognise it.
Annatar: I still don’t recognise it. What joke?
Topaz: Your slave’s guess, my Lord, is that THIS time when Gandalf stated the obvious it was a joke. I don’t know how anyone was supposed to tell.
'As soon as she's awake and convinced, we'll be off to Mordor to meet Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin at Mount Doom.'
Annatar: WHAT?
Topaz: That’s where they agreed to meet, my Lord. For some reason. Remember, they need Eldravine to release the Ring from the Sandwich Bag of Doom–
Annatar: I am aware of that, slave. Why did they not keep the Ringbearer with them until they’d captured the Sue?
Topaz: I believe, my Lord, that Frodo feared the others would be corrupted by the Ring... which no-one can use while it’s in the bag... My Lord, your slave is confused.
Annatar: If only my enemies were really this stupid! I’d be ruling Middle-earth by now.
A breath of wind passed through the dwelling, enough to make Gandalf's white robes ripple in the air.
Topaz: Someone had turned on the fan.
'And then we'll just have to see what happens.'
Annatar: I have an even better idea, Olórin. Why not surrender to me now and see what happens? It will save time.
Aragorn sighed. 'There's no way we can really trust her, is there?'
Topaz: You’ve finally worked that out, Aragorn? *claps*
The four (yes, four) hobbits meet up with Gollum and recruit him as a guide into Mordor.
Then the scene changes to Minas Tirith. Boromir and Faramir talk. Faramir has been unable to find the source of the evil Gandalf sensed in Gondor.
Annatar: I suppose all he did was look for a sign saying “Evil This Way”?
Topaz: Very likely, my Lord. In the course of this, it turns out that Boromir knows absolutely nothing about Rohan. Apparently he’s been too busy blowing the Horn of Gondor to find out anything about his country’s neighbour and ally.
Hearing about Wormtongue, he decides the evil must be in Rohan.
Boromir frowned. 'I think I will go to Rohan, then. Perhaps Gandalf meant Rohan, but his own tongue slipped. He was in haste at the time.'
Topaz: Gondor... Rohan... Yes, those names are virtually identical. Must have led to all kinds of screw-ups.
Legolas miraculously revives the White Tree by touching it and saying “Estel”. Please do not ask your slave to explain this, your Lordship. It’s just one more thing that doesn’t make sense.
Back to the hobbits:
There was something strange about Gollum, Sam decided.
Annatar: This hobbit certainly has remarkable powers of observation.
Not only was he a filthy little creature that lurked in permanent shadow but he never seemed to stop watching Frodo. Ever since he'd seen Frodo carrying the enclosed Ring around, he'd followed the hobbit around like a tail. It made Sam uneasy. He'd served the Baggins' so long that it was almost an instinct to protect one of them.
They'd crossed the swamps several days before. The ghost-faces that floated on the slime did not improve the atmosphere - on the contrary.
Topaz: The travel-brochure had LIED!
As the sun sank beneath the horizon, indicating that yet another day had passed,
Topaz (as Legolas): “A red sun sets!”
Sam collapsed into the dirt. He couldn't say that they weren't getting anywhere. Barad-Dur looked horribly close and sometimes it seemed that Sauron was breathing down their backs.
Annatar: They’d know it if I was, believe me. How in Melkor’s name did they get over the Ephel Dúath, slave?
Topaz: Their baggage, my Lord, included several large tins of SOMEHOW!TM
Maybe it was the heat from the volcano, though he doubted it.
He opened his pack and pulled out a handful of the remainding lembas wafers. The others, especially Pippin, were growing gaunt creases on their hobbit faces from the monotonous diet but they ate it anyway.
Gollum twisted his bony face at the sight of the wafers. 'Smeagol will go hunting now,' he said.
'If you must,' Sam replied shortly.
Gollum hissed something at him before disappearing into the darkness. But that was fairly standard: Sam never meant for it to be any secret that he didn't like Gollum, and Gollum knew it - or Smeagol, as he called himself now.
Merry watched Gollum go. 'He's going to betray us, you know.'
'I know,' confirmed Frodo with a sigh. 'But without him, we're lost.'
Topaz (as Frodo): “If only we had some landmark... Like, I don’t know, a prominent volcano or something.”
Annatar: *headpalantír* Is it even POSSIBLE to be this unintelligent?
Topaz: Technically, yes, my Lord, but such people are rarely allowed out on their own. Lucky hobbits go barefoot, because trying to tie his shoelaces would make Frodo’s head explode.
That night, Sam is awoken by the wail of a Nazgûl.
Was it just his imagination, or was his master actually shivering?
Topaz: As if he’d be scared of a harmless little Ringwraith!
'The Dark Lord is getting stronger,' Pippin muttered in reply.
'We should linger no longer,' Frodo said, sitting up.
Annatar: Slave! The situation is ridiculous enough without you embellishing it.
Topaz: I swear, my Lord, they really did just start rhyming!
Annatar: *headpalantír*
Sam was about to agree when a thought struck him.
Topaz (as Sam): “Hey, what rhymes with ‘longer’, anyway? ‘Conga’?
'Where's Gollum?'
Topaz: Boromir and Legolas depart for Rohan, where they are going to search for Evil, probably by asking everyone they meet: “Hey, are you evil?
Faramir has to tell his brother where Rohan is.
'North, then.' Boromir's eyes glowed under the light of the rising sun. 'I'll remember that.'
'See that you do,' Faramir replied.
Annatar: *stares* But Rohan lies NORTHWEST of Minas Tirith! Have these people never heard of maps?
Topaz: My Lord, your slave doubts if they’d be able to read them anyway.
Legolas has a request for Faramir.
'Promise me two things, man of Gondor,' Legolas leaned down from his saddle.
'Anything.'
Topaz: And you DO mean anything, don’t you, Faramir? We know you have a ‘thing’ for Greenleaf.
'Firstly,' he began. 'Promise me that even after we are gone, the Elves will not be forgotten among men. The Lady of the Wood - that is, Galadriel - seems to think that we are doomed no matter how this war ends. But if you can find a way to let our memory live on, we will be eternally grateful.'
Annatar: If that’s all the Elves want, they may as well let me win. I’ll remember them.
'I'll do my best.' Already, Faramir's eyes were flicking in the direction of the shrine that held the country's archives.
Topaz: “Note: there were these guys called Elves”. Yep, I’m sure that’s how they’d want to be remembered. I’d have thought Gondor’s archives would have some record of Elves already, but what would I know?
'And secondly,' Legolas continued, his tone slightly lower and his eye grew very serious. 'You know of the Fade?'
Topaz: Oh, she’s THE Fade, now! Not just ANY Fade.
'The one who has become the Queen of Mordor?'
'Yes.' Legolas hesitated, but only for a moment. 'The night she came to our camp, I knew that I could tell her my secrets. And I did. The burden is no longer entirely mine and she is, I deem, the only one who change things from what they are now. This is a difficult task I set you, Faramir son of Denethor.'
Annatar: Deciphering that paragraph? Yes.
Faramir waited for him to go on.
'If Eldravine comes to Gondor, then you are lost unless a man named Aragorn comes with her.'
Faramir's eyes widened slightly.
'For only on the sword Anduril may she be slain - and only Aragorn may bear that sword.
Topaz: That whole sentence is made of SOMEHOW!TM
He will not slay her unless he absolutely must and I bid you, if the choice comes to be your's or your Father's ...'
Legolas turned away so that he didn't have to look into his eyes as he spoke. His words weren't spectacular, or surprising, simply logical. His pain was was not of that of the Elves, but the personal pain of mortals.
Annatar: Elves , I assure you, are capable of quite a lot of personal pain.
'... kill Eldravine, though if you do, we will have lost something great.'
Topaz: *facepalm*
Annatar: *headpalantír*
Faramir nodded gravely. Gimli, mounted uncomfortably behind him, bowed his head shortly to acknowledge him. With that, the two horses rode off northwards in search of Rohan.
Annatar: I fear they will be searching for it a long time.
Topaz: Meanwhile, my Lord, Gandalf and Aragorn are torturing the Sue.
Annatar: Good.
'Use your knife,' directed Gandalf. 'It won't hurt her and it should be enough to get her attention in this state.'
Against every instinct, he knelt down and felt for his dagger in the darkness. The only light in the shelter came from the curtained door and even that was directed away from the wounded. With an adept flick of his fingers, he grasped the hilt and carefully cut a nick into her unblemished flesh. She shivered slightly, but did not stir and the cut healed almost instantly.
Annatar: Instant healing powers? Even I don’t have instant healing powers! I hate this Sue.
'Make it bigger,' Gandalf instructed.
Aragorn winced as he sliced open a wound as long as his hand span. It wasn't the sight of her green blood that made him nervous, only the fact that it was her. This time, he definitely felt her jerk but her eyes remained closed and her skin cool. He looked up at Gandalf, who nodded. Rapidly, but carefully, he began to widen the wound, cutting away whole pieces of flesh.
Annatar: It takes quite a lot to get the Sue’s attention, doesn’t it, slave?
Topaz: Yes, my Lord. However, she eventually notices Aragorn sawing away at her neck:
Eldravine gasped and jerked into an upright position.
Her hand reached instinctively for her wavy-bladed dagger, only to find that she was dressed in a white dress-tunic and that her weapons were astray. And then, because even immortals are allowed modesty, she glared at both of the men in the room. There was the faintest flicker in her eyes, but when they cleared, there was evil in them.
But she could do nothing with Anduril at her throat.
'You will come with us,' Gandalf said swiftly.
'I'm faster and stronger than both of you put together,' she snarled.
'But obviously not smarter. If he so much as twitches, your head will go rolling across the floor.' Gandalf smiled slightly. 'Think, Eldravine, your fate is in the hands of the native rodents.'
Annatar: Except that they CAN’T kill her, because then they’ll never be able to get to the Ring.
Topaz: They seem to have forgotten, my Lord.
Annatar: As has the Sue. It’s a battle of wits between people who don’t have any.
'That's not funny Gandalf,' Aragorn muttered
Annatar: What isn’t funny, slave?
Topaz: Er... possibly Gandalf’s remark about native rodents.
Annatar: The Ranger’s quite right, then. It isn’t.
Topaz: My Lord, I’ll snip the Sue threatening them. Yes, it’s pretty stupid of her when she’s their prisoner and believes they’re liable to kill her, but it’s not as if we need to look for examples of dimness in the Sueniverse Arda, otherwise known as Retarda.
'Where exactly are we going, Gandalf?' Aragorn asked quietly as they made their way through the vast forest.
'To Barad-Dur, of course,' he replied matter-of-factly. 'Where did you think?'
Aragorn paused before answering that. 'Is it really a good idea? Taking her back to her homeland?'
Annatar: No, it’s absolutely brilliant. Just ask me.
From the folds of his cloak, Gandalf unfurled a long coil of silvery rope. Aragorn recognised it as one of the lengths that had been given to them by the Elves of Lothlorien.
'Tie her up with this,' the wizard instructed. 'As she is part Elf, it will not hurt her as much as it could. However, I highly doubt that it will break - though with these sort of things, you can never tell.'
He nodded and turned to his captive, tying the rope firmly around her wrists. He was slightly surprised when she didn't resist him
Topaz: Er... resist him doing what?
but he noted that she shook slightly every time he touched her.
Annatar: A side to Olórin that I have never even suspected.
Topaz: Neither has your slave, my Lord.
Suddenly he realised the immense battle that must have been going on inside that fair form - the constant clash of Fade the wanderer and Eldravine, strengthened by Sauron. At times it would seem that Fade was with him, but only for a moment. If, perhaps, there was some way he could distract Sauron ...
Topaz (as Legolas): “A diversion!”
But there would be plenty of time for that when they were there in Mordor.
Annatar: Oh no, there won’t... Slave, there’s one thing I don’t understand. Since I apparently exist in this reality, and since everyone else is half-witted, why haven’t I conquered Middle-earth long ago?
Topaz: *very, very, nervously* It... it may be possible, my Lord, that even *gulp* you Lordship is not immune to the mind-destroying effects of the Sueniverse...
Annatar: ???!!!