topazlily (topazlily) wrote in crow_syndrome, @ 2007-09-15 12:28:00 |
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Current mood: | accomplished |
ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR II
Part One
Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) No, I don’t know what the brackets are for.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. = INSTANT SUENESS!
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Is more important to the bad guys than the Ring is. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Burdens
Part III - Aragorn
Author's Note: This story actually doesn't fit into the timeline of the books - or hadn't you noticed that?
Topaz: No, dear, you cleverly concealed it by never mentioning where or when the story was taking place.
Boromir never gets dead in this story (and Gandalf never was dead even in the books, in case you were wondering). I don't want the Fellowship split, but I want Aragorn to know Eowyn, Faramir, Denethor and the crew in Gondor/Rohan. Get it? Got it? Good.
Topaz: Don’t get it. Not good.
Annatar: What news, slave?
Topaz: My Lord, your renegade Sue’s logic-warping powers have opened a rift in the fabric of time and space, through which she and her companions have slipped into an alternative universe. Nothing they do will affect events in the real Arda. So at least the Sue can’t do your Lordship any harm.
Annatar: Good. She was rapidly becoming a serious nuisance. A pity that all my work on her has to go to waste... Or does it? Perhaps I can use this alternative universe as a testing-ground for my plans.
Topaz: There’s one problem, my Lord. Your slave fears that this universe will have a different set of rules to the actual Arda– or possibly no rules at all...
Well, the Fellowship are wandering around somewhere. I have no idea where. Just somewhere.
Frodo let his pack fall onto the ground with a dull thud. It seemed as though they had been walking around in circles - every tree looked like the one they had passed only a few minutes ago.
Annatar: Meaning it had leaves and branches?
Topaz: And bark, your slave suspects. Possibly even roots.
The group hadn't even made it out of the forest that day and he could feel autumn passing. Soon they would be trudging through snow and then the going would be even slower.
Topaz (sings): “Four seasons in one day/Lying in the depths of your imagination...”
Annatar: Slave! What in Arda do you think you’re doing?
Topaz: *cowers* Singing, my Lord.
Annatar: No, you’re not. Cease that horrible noise at once!
Gimli set his battle axe against a tree and sat down beside it. 'It seems strange for things to be so quiet,' the dwarf growled through his copper-coloured beard.
'We haven't been attacked by Orcs in almost a week,' agreed Gandalf. 'As for the Nazgul - they will not give up their search for the Ring unless Sauron ordered them to. He is scheming something, I know it.'
Annatar: What, me, scheming? How did he guess?
Topaz: Watch out, Legolas, your “Captain Obvious” title is in danger!
They camp. They go to sleep. Aragorn and the Sue have a moonlit heart-to-heart talk. I’ve snipped most of it as it is very tedious and would bore your Lordship.
And so it came pouring out, word for word, thought for thought. Only hours after she had told Legolas that she could not speak, she spoke until she could speak no more
Topaz: Unfortunately, my Lord, her mute condition is not permanent.
and then, she wept silently, with her green tears.
Topaz: Even the Sue’s TEARS are speshul (if kind of icky).
Aragorn closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. 'I had no idea ...' he muttered. 'All this time ... Arwen behaved like she needed to tell me something, yet she could not. Legolas and I became close, yet there was always some barrier between us. And now ... it was neither of them who told me - it was you, Fade.'
'Eldravine ...' she whispered. 'Eldravine is strong, I am the one who is weak. And Eldravine I shall become, soon enough.'
Annatar: A word of advice, Mary Sue. If I were you I wouldn’t keep harping on that point. Of course, if I were you I’d have killed the Ranger by now anyway.
'I would not stand in their way,' he continued. 'Even though it pains me deeply, I will let them be wed, if they wish it so.
'As for you ...'
And she wept harder, still murmuring the name of her other self.
Topaz: “Mary Sue... Mary Sue... *sob*”
'I never knew you felt so strongly about me.' Aragorn remembered Eowyn, the Lady of Rohan and her pale gold hair. 'And now it seems that you're not the only one destined to be alone.' He paused and took another deep breath.
'You're very beautiful, Fade,' he admitted. 'And you have more sense than a lot of other people I've met.'
Topaz (as Mary Sue): “Yes, but you’ve met LEGOLAS.”
She turned around, her features full of sadness. Slowly, he leaned forwards and kissed her forehead.
Topaz: My Lord, he seems quite untroubled by the fact that she’s liable to go back to the Dark Side at any moment– even though she tells him over and over and over. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this Ranger was a little slow.
Annatar: Yes. These Númenóreans have got to stop marrying their cousins.
Topaz: Do they, my Lord?
Annatar: They did when I was there...
*** <–– Expletive deleted (see below)
Gandalf stood in the shadows of the forest, silently watching the conversation. He creased his eyebrows as Aragorn bent down to bestow a token of his appreciation on her brow.
'No ...' the wizard muttered almost angrily. 'It can't happen!'
Topaz: Gandalf struggled valiantly against the evil forces of canon-rape.
He reached for his staff, fingering the intricate design carved into its length. His eyes flashed as Aragorn left the scene and disappeared into the forest and cursed to himself.
Topaz (as Aragorn): “%#@^*&^%! I just kissed a &^%*^#@** Sue! %**#@##&^%^!!!”
'They can not love each other - the fate of the all Middle Earth may rest on it!'
And then he recited a passage that he had commited to memory - ' ... and only on the sword Anduril may Eldravine be slain, in darkness or in light. The Blade that was Broken was not lost, and now lies in Laurelindorean,
Annatar: Wherever that is.
protected by the Lady of the Wood. Only the True King may ever wield it ...'
Topaz: Anyone else who touches it will break out in hives.
Snip! Next morning. The Sue talks to Frodo.
'If you don't want the Ring, then what do you want?' Frodo asked.
'To help,' she said simply. 'Sauron grows stronger more exasperated by the minute and I fear that I am the only one who can help you.'
'Help me how?'
'I want to take the burden from your small shoulders. The Ring itself, in my hands, would be utter folly for Sauron would only take it from me. But I can protect it in ways that even Sauron cannot break.'
'I don't believe you,' Sam cried defiantly.
Annatar: Neither do I. I happen to be rather good at sorcery.
'It will work, Master Samwise - I have the blood of a sorceress and I can work the old spells, the forgotten spells that Gandalf the White never knew of.'
Annatar: Not surprising, since there’s no such person.
Topaz: *whispers to readers* And his Lordship’s quite right, because Gandalf never died at all in this version.
'What exactly will you do?' Frodo asked quietly.
'You, Master Frodo, will put it in a casket, or a bag of some kind,' Fade instructed. 'I will seal it so that none shall break it - and then, even if Sauron or Saruman gets hold of it, they will never get it.'
'But once you're under the Dark Lord's control again, won't he make you open it?' protested Sam.
Topaz: As common sense gave its last gasp.
'And what about Saruman? He's a wizard too - surely he will be able to-'
'No two wizards can do exactly the same thing, Sam. What one wizard does, another cannot duplicate.
Topaz: May your slave humbly request your Lordship’s expert opinion?
Annatar: You may, slave. The Sue has no idea what she’s talking about.
As for Sauron - he may only work through me, he does not use me or my strengths against my will. He may have my sorcerer's power but he will not be able to undo what I've done. Only I can do that.'
Annatar: Interesting. One might suppose that the “mindless slave” aspect of things would have some bearing on that situation.
Frodo blinked. 'Would it still be unmade if I cast it into the fires of Mount Doom?'
'I don't know, Frodo,' Fade admitted. 'But even if it wasn't, nobody would be able to get to it again.
Annatar: Unless he happened to be a powerful sorcerer who was able to control the volcano. I don’t know anyone of that description, do you, slave?
Topaz: No, my Lord. Lucky for them no-one like that lives right next door to Mount Doom.
I suppose we can only hope that I get a chance to unseal it before you cast it into the mountain.'
Annatar: What? They’re serious? But that would mean... destroying the Ring. What sane person would do that?
Topaz: *quickly* My Lord, they’re in Sueniverse now. There ARE no sane people.
Sam cast a glance at Frodo. The young hobbit's huge eyes
Topaz: *cough* Elijah Wood *cough*
were full of hope, but wary at the same time. It was obvious that he took his job seriously even though he hated the thought of Middle Earth resting on his back.
Topaz: Anyone would.
'How do I know I can trust you?' he asked.
'You can't,' she replied simply.
Annatar: *cough* Mary Sue, the idea is NOT to point that out.
Topaz (as Frodo): “Oh, I can’t trust you? Well, I won’t, then. Goodbye.”
Frodo sighed. 'I don't suppose I really have a choice. I should be glad to take help - there is so little of it about these days. Yet ...'
'It's only natural for you not to trust me, Master Frodo. But I am here to aid you in your journey, not to retrieve the Ring from your clutches.'
Topaz (as Mary Sue): “You’ll just have to trust me– oh, that’s right, you can’t. Silly me!”
Slowly, he reached inside his shirt and removed the chain from around his neck. The Ring gleamed oddly in the pale sunlight.
'Here, Mister Frodo, sir.' Sam hurried forward, what looked like a tiny pouch in his hands. 'I used it for carrying my salt, but that's almost gone - if you decide to trust 'er, then it's no business of mine.'
Topaz (as Sam): “I’m just a simple hobbit. Why should I care if Sauron conquers Middle-earth?”
The instant the Ring left his fingers, Frodo felt empty. It's methods of corruptions were strange yet it was irresistible.
Annatar: Which is why he shouldn’t have been able to give it to her.
Topaz: Ah, but they’re in the Sueniverse, my Lord.
Annatar: Of course. I keep forgetting.
He pulled the draw-strings and, with a deep breath, offered it to Fade.
She placed her hand on top of his and closed her eyes. Her flesh was cold, and it trembled as if containing a power that was just waiting to be releashed.
Topaz: I never realized that magic was this, uh, exciting...
And suddenly, it was over. The shivering lessened. Frodo gasped as her hand grew limp and heavy. There had been no light, no array of sparks, nothing to indicate anything special had occured. But somehow, he knew that she had done what she had promised.
Topaz: SOMEHOW!TM Where would Suethors be without it?
Looking up at her, he tried to open the pouch. It did not yield. He drew Sting from its sheath and stabbed at it. The threads of the material did not cut, fray, or part. A sudden cry from behind him stopped banished all thoughts of further tests from his mind.
'Frodo!' It was Legolas. 'Sting!'
The silver blade of the sword grew pulsatingly bright, before turning a shimmering blue.
'Orcs,' he heard Sam hiss and draw his own sword. There was a steely whistle as Anduril, too, came forth. In the distance, he could hear the hoarse cries of the servants of Mordor and the stomping of an army. He heard a deathly scream far off.
'Nazgul,' Gandalf hissed, his staff clutched in his hand.
Annatar: Doesn’t he have a sword?
Topaz: Yes, my Lord. SOMEHOW!TM he forgot about it.
Annatar: Somehow?
Topaz: Yes, my Lord, SOMEHOW!TM
Enter Orcs and a Black Rider. There’s a fight scene, which for my Lord’s convenience I will summarize:
Legolas: Twang! Twang! Twang!
Boromir & Fade: Hack! Slash! Hack! Hack! Slash!
Gimli: Chop! Chop! Chop!
Hobbits: Stabbity-stab-stab!
Gandalf: Whack! Whack! Whack!
Orcs: Die... die... die...
Nazgûl: Nothing.
Aragorn: Nothing.
There was a new hope in Frodo's eyes as he bravely impaled an orc on Sting.
But out of the corner of his eye, he saw Fade's sword waver, even as she duelled. The ornate weapon slid from her hands and an orc advanced on her, grinning nastily.
Topaz: You mean it wasn’t smiling sweetly like other Orcs?
'Fade!' he cried in horror.
And suddenly, her eyes were empty. She blinked desperately but they remained dark and soulless. Her hands fumbled at her belt, reaching for the wavy-bladed dagger that had become her trademark - but they, too, faltered as the orc thrust its sword into her flesh. Its point, however, was diverted from its true aim by Gandalf, who had been alerted by Frodo's call. With a cry, the wizard brought his staff down upon the creature's head.
Topaz: SOMEHOW!TM he still hadn’t remembered about that sword. SOMEHOW!TM, the #1 choice for filling in those gaping chasms in the plot.
Fade knelt on the ground, gasping and clutching at her side. And all the while, the lone Nazgul came closer to the ring of fighters.
'Get up, Fade,' Gandalf said urgently, his staff still whirling with deadly speed.
Annatar: He hasn’t remembered his sword even now?
Topaz: No, my Lord, SOMEHOW!TM
'Sauron is coming,' she cried, her eyes flicking around her blindly.
Annatar: Most unlikely. I don’t get out much.
'Fade is failing
Topaz: The litmus test...
... I cannot hold her off any longer, Gandalf!'
'Try!' he roared.
The Black Rider was among them, in the midst of the fray yet untouched by the bloodshed. Somehow,
Topaz: *dies*
it made its way into the circle that the Fellowship had made of themselves and advanced on the fallen warrior in the center. And suddenly, Aragorn was there,
Topaz: Having finally decided to do something.
his dark hair dank with sweat, dirt and blood. He stood in front of her, Anduril drawn.
'Move.' It was a hoarse command that chilled the blood of all who heard it.
'You will not take her away,' Aragorn defied.
'Fool ...' The hissing voice trailed off into the wind as the Rider drew its own sword, as old and as deadly as the ages.
Topaz: The Deadly Ages, a little-known historical period.
'Aragorn, no!' Gandalf shouted.
'Fade would rather die than become Eldravine!'
'She's not Fade anymore! Didn't you hear her? Sauron has all but returned and he has summoned his most deadly minion - she cannot disobey him!'
Topaz (as Gandalf): “NOW do you understand, you IDIOT?”
'I'm not leaving her, Gandalf!'
But Gandalf's arms were around him, pulling him back from his bold stance - and the Nazgul laughed. It knelt down before the now unconscious Fade. 'Mistress ...' it muttered and there was a cold delight in its voice.
Topaz: *facepalm* Her powers of seduction work on a RINGWRAITH? Ewwww!
Then, it picked her up in its arms. With a few words to the orcs, it began walking off again.
Annatar: *stares*
Topaz: *stares*
Annatar: Hey! You! Nazgûl! Haven’t you forgotten something? You know– small, round, shiny object your master’s been seeking for centuries?
Topaz: I don’t think he can hear you, my Lord... It seems that in the Sueniverse the Ring is less important than the Sue.
Annatar: *headpalantír* I’m so glad none of this is really happening.
'Let me go, Gandalf!' Aragorn struggled as the orcs began to fall back.
'There was nothing you could have done.' Gandalf released him somewhat reluctantly.
'Now we've lost her ...' The Ranger closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe.
Topaz: Why, Aragorn, why? Asphyxiation is one way out of the Sueniverse!
'She was never ours in the first place. The next time we see her, she will be Eldravine, Queen of Mordor.
Annatar: Even her title doesn’t make sense. She doesn’t even claim to be ruling Mordor, or (Melkor forbid!) to be my wife.
We must only hope that the Dark Lord does not find out that she helped us.'
Annatar: Or cleverly deduce it from the fact that she was fighting on their side. What sort of fool do they think I am ? ...Is it over, slave?
Topaz: Not even remotely, your Lordship.
Annatar: *headpalantír*
Proudly sponsored by SOMEHOW!TM, the Author’s Friend, a trademark of Mary Sue Inc.
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own this story or any Tolkien characters, I don’t own any lyrics by Crowded House.