topazlily (topazlily) wrote in crow_syndrome, @ 2007-09-15 23:21:00 |
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Current location: | The Dark Tower– how did you guess? |
Current mood: | aggravated |
ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR IV
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
I don't know why the hell I'm linking to the previous episodes, since I've posted them one after the other. Habit, I suppose.
Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny) In view of the fact that all the characters are thick as bricks, I’m re-naming it Burdens of Density.
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She's a Human-Elf-Dwarf-Troll-Orc-Ent-Hobbit-Mai
Special Possessions (if any): Formerly a jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. She lost those, so now she has replacements. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which sounds like it has those conical bra-cups à la Madonna.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Topaz: My Lord Annatar, here is the latest update on your runaway Sue:
Gandalf and Aragorn are staking out Isengard, where the Sue is. I assume they’ve found a hiding place, though, in keeping with the general “if it’s not the Sue, it’s not worth describing” principle, this is not mentioned.
Gandalf speculates that Saruman and the Sue don’t like each other:
They both strive for the approval of their Master. Eldravine is most likely stronger, but Saruman is under his own control.'
Aragorn shuddered. 'That's horrible.'
Annatar: *shudders* Yes. I’m sure he’s planning to double-cross me.
Gandalf cast a glance at the glowing sun. It was brushing the horizon. 'She will try to leave as soon as she can - alone, if that's all she can manage.'
'When can we expect her?'
'The old books say that she has a sort of allergy to sunlight - something to do with the old breeds of orcs that could only move at night.'
'That's not a lot to go on,' Aragorn warned.
'It's all we have,' Gandalf replied. 'We should probably make camp. But be on your toes.'
'I will,' promised Aragorn, setting down his pack.
Topaz: And doing a triple pirouette.
The mysteriously still-breathing Boromir arrives at Minas Tirith with Legolas and Gimli:
'Boromir!' Denethor of Gondor greeted his son with much enthusiasm. 'I was beginning to fear that you had encountered some fearful beast on the way to Rivendell.'
Topaz: “Fearful Beast” being one of the many Gondorian terms for “Mary Sue”.
'Father.' Boromir bowed his head. He looked up, smiling slightly at the tall man who stood beside the Steward. 'Ho! Faramir!'
'Brother,' Faramir returned warmly. Gimli and Legolas were little surprised - Faramir had the same proud, noble features as Boromir and Denethor.
'What news do you bring from Rivendell?' Denether demanded from his seat on the dais.
Annatar: The seat chose to remain silent. *mutters* Yes, yes, I know Denethor’s not that far gone. A Maia can dream, can’t he?
'I bring more than news,' Boromir replied. 'Elrond set me with a quest that any man would be proud to take part in.'
'Did he promise any help?'
'The Elves have their own problems right now, father.'
Topaz (as Boromir): “Haven’t you heard about the terrible plague of Fearful Beasts in Rivendell?”
Denethor frowned. 'It's just as well that I sent emissaries to Rohan, then.' He peered around the broad-shouldered man, and raised an eyebrow at the two figures behind him.
'Ah ... Father, these are-' Boromir began but Gimli interrupted him.
'I am Gimli, son of Gloin,' the dwarf said stoutly. 'This is Legolas, Elf-Prince of Mirkwood. We were both invited to attend Elrond's war council in Rivendell and have been beset with a task of great importance.'
Topaz: Beset! *applauds Gimli’s honesty* SOME people would have used trite euphemisms like “honoured” or “entrusted”.
There was a murmur from the guards that stood in the room. Denethor himself shifted in his chair.
'Never have I seen an Elf and a dwarf travel together in peace,' he observed. 'This must be indeed a great quest. I knew I should've sent you along, instead of Faramir.'
His two sons exchanged a slightly amused glance. 'We need an army, father,' Boromir said. 'The time to finish Mordor once and for all has come. What was once lost has been found and we now have the means to defeat the Dark Lord.'
Annatar: Apart from the small detail that he doesn’t have any idea where the Ring is now...
'What was once lost ... and I suppose you will tell me more about this?' Denethor prompted.
Boromir stopped, inwardly cursing himself for his tongue. 'Later, perhaps,' he replied with some hesitation. 'But I need to know, can you spare the legions?'
'Of course I can't,' Denethor replied. 'That's the whole reason I sent you to Rivendell in the first place. We need an army - we can't spare one.'
Annatar: If Denethor expected Elrond to send him an army, he must be mad. At last!
Topaz: I rejoice that your Lordship’s decades of work have finally paid off. *under her breath* May Eru forgive me!
To tell the truth, your slave is puzzled. She fully expected that the Sueniverse Denethor would be a feeble-minded coward addicted to cherry tomatoes.
Annatar: ...To...ma...what?
Topaz: A type of fruit, my Lord.
Annatar: Never heard of it. What of the Sue, slave?
Topaz: My Lord, she is leaving Isengard:
A figure stepped onto the path behind her, his silvery robes blowing in the gentle breeze. Her eyes narrowed slightly but she kept walking. With a staff clasped in one hand, the figure raised the other and muttered a single word. An invisible force erupted from the head of the staff and flew towards her at an incredible speed.
Topaz: Not that you could tell, what with it being invisible.
There was a sharp noise, like one of smashing crystal, as it collided with her - only it didn't. A brief glow of light was all that gave away the fact that she had formed a shield to protect her. The old man smiled ever so faintly.
'For a moment there, Eldravine, I thought you had lost your touch.'
The familiarity of the words
Topaz: People were always saying that to her, for some reason.
caused her to spin around. 'Do I know you?' she demanded irritably.
The folds of her cloak blew to one side, revealing for the first time her armor. Her tight-fitting breastplate made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman.
Annatar: *headpalantír*
Topaz: *headthroneroomfloor*
'Perhaps,' was Gandalf's reply - for it was, of course, Gandalf.
Her eyes were distant for a moment. 'Gandalf,' she said finally. 'Fade knew you.'
'She did,' he confirmed.
'You can't stop me, Gandalf,' Eldravine gloated, before turning around. She paused. 'You're not that much of a fool to let me walk away like this.'
Gandalf said nothing.
Her eyes gleamed. 'I sense ...' Her hand moved to her belt. 'Ambush ...'
Annatar: Quite the strategic genius, isn’t she?
And her fingers closed around her dagger.
Topaz: The HILT of her dagger, your slave presumes.
My Lord, there’s a brief interlude about the hobbits being followed by Gollum. Then it’s back to the Sue:
Eldravine drew her wavy-bladed dagger and spun around. Cold steel edged into her neck as she held her own blade against her attacker. It was a standoff and she cursed herself for being slow.
Topaz: Like everyone else in the Sueniverse.
On closer inspection, she realised that her opponent as a man, whose shadowed face stirred her mind with memories.
Suddenly, an invisible force hit her from behind, knocking her past the knife at her throat and into the snow-covered dirt.
Annatar: Anyone but a Sue would have been decapitated.
Topaz: Here, Eldravine! *rolls her a ten gallon drum of SOMEHOW!TM*
Her dagger skittered away into the night.
Topaz: It was making a bid for freedom.
'Damn you, Gandalf,' she swore as she picked herself out of the mud. Aragorn stood in front of her, his dagger clutched in his shaking hand. The wound he had inflicted ran halfway around her neck and was now oozing a thick, green substance.
Topaz: Salsa verde?
Then, before his very eyes, the wound began to heal. She smiled maliciously at him as the would-be mortal slash disappeared completely. She raised an arm and suddenly Gandalf was hurled backwards into a tree.
'That was for thinking you could take on the Queen of Mordor,' she snarled. She straightened her fingers and his staff flew from his hand landing in the mud several feet away. Gandalf felt the air around his neck tighten, choking him.
Topaz: *facepalm* Good grief, Mary Sue, you’ll have a lightsaber next!
Annatar: I have no idea what you’re babbling about now, you fool of a slave. What is the Sue doing?
Topaz: Using powers from a completely different universe, my Lord. Arda just doesn’t contain enough speshulness for this Sue.
Annatar: But I made the Sue– I never gave her any ability like that!
Topaz: My Lord, your slave fears the Sue-ness is out of control.
Annatar: I’ve created a monster!
'And this is for being the incompetent wizard you are.'
Topaz: Eldravine had been studying ”The Evil-doer’s Phrase-book: malice-dripping quotes for Mad Scientists, Dark Lords and Criminal Masterminds”.
Available for the first time in paperback, this must-have volume now comes with a supplementary section on Maniacal Laughter and a list of canonical bad guys whose powers and character quirks you can rip off. Published by Dark Sue Publications, a subsiduary of Mary Sue Inc.
'Let him go,' Aragorn said quietly.
She looked him up and down. 'And who do you think you are?'
Aragorn's face darkened but he remained silent.
Annatar: As he tried to remember.
'It doesn't really matter anyway, I suppose,' she continued. 'You, like so many before you, will die and your name will be forgotten before long.'
Topaz: “The Evil-doer’s Phrase book”– no villain should be without it! For a limited time only, purchasers will receive a free tin of SOMEHOW!TM Only while stocks last!
She drew her sword,
Topaz: Ignited it, more like.
and Aragorn drew his. He paused for a moment, as if waiting for something but she only attacked.
From his helpless position, Gandalf could only watch as the two duelled, their swords flashing
Topaz: Or, in Mary Sue’s case, glowing...
the in [sic] dim moonlight. Eldravine was clearly the better fighter, her eyes mocking him everytime her sword flicked across Aragorn's face, drawing blood. The wizard could hardly breathe, let alone reach for his staff. And without his staff, he couldn't do anything to help Aragorn. And if Aragorn failed, Gandalf was at Eldravine's mercy.
Annatar: Interesting. The Sueniverse appears to have a different effect on Olórin than on everyone else. Less stupefying, more incapacitating.
The Ranger retreated slightly, wiping his forehead on his sleeve which was instantly stained crimson. The two circled each other for a few moments. Then, he cast the slightest glance back at Gandalf, turned and sprinted towards the abandoned staff. She snarled inhumanly at him, following his steps like the quickest of wolves.
Topaz: The quickest of wolves vs the slowest of Rangers. Not a good look-out for Aragorn.
Smoothly, Aragorn picked up the staff and tossed it to Gandalf, who caught it, though barely. Aragorn spun around to face his adversary once more. Her eyes flicked from the wizard to the Dunedain and back.
Topaz: Before returning to their sockets.
Then, in an instant, her hand was raised
Topaz: It only took her an instant to raise her hand? You’re kidding me!
and all of them felt the change in the air. Gandalf's forces pushed gently at the atmosphere around them but went no further than what appeared to be another invisible shield. He cursed under his breath.
She kept one arm raised as the two duelled once more. Every few moments there would be a brief flash of light; Gandalf would still be trying to penetrate her shield. The metallic clash of swords did not disguise the fact that Eldravine had gained the upperhand. Aragorn, flesh now covered with small cuts, was breathing hard and his technique had shifted into defensive.
Then, two things happened at once.
Annatar: That must have confused the Ranger.
Aragorn tossed his sword to one side, reaching for another of his daggers as Eldravine thrust her sword at his left shoulder. Pain writhed through him almost instantly but he had already thrown his knife. It soared through the air with deadly acuracy
Topaz: Which the spelling lacked.
and impaled itself on the coconut palm that had been supporting the magical shield. She shrieked, her hand running with the same green liquid.
Topaz: Absinthe? (Now THAT’S a high BAC!)
As she reached to pull out the blade, Gandalf struck, his attacks finally effective. Aragorn reached for his sword once more as she was thrown to the ground. Moonlight caught the blade of Anduril, shining along its length. For the first time Eldravine recognised the sword - her only bane. His hand shaking, Aragorn thrust the sword into her side.
Even Gandalf had to wince at her scream.
Topaz: He couldn’t stand over-acting.
Aragorn closed his eyes to stop himself from crying out. When he opened them, Eldravine was unconscious. She lay in the mud, in a pool of her viscious green blood. ;
Annatar: A combination of viscous and vicious. How appropriate.
Topaz: Oh, it’s her blood! But my Lord, if the Sue has green blood, why doesn’t she have green lips?
Annatar: Because she’s a Sue, slave, and therefore proof against any form of logic.
His dagger was still sticking through her hand.
'Is she ... dead?' muttered Aragorn, almost afraid to ask.
'No,' replied Gandalf. 'But the wound will take a long time to heal, unless aided by some other force. You did well, my friend. It wasn't an easy task.'
'I ... I just stabbed the woman who told me the truth.' Aragorn's voice shook.
'Do you really love her?' It was a gentle question.
'I don't know, Gandalf,' Aragorn said in a sickened tone.
Topaz: HE’S sickened? *retches*
'If I could hurt her like I did tonight, I honestly don't know.'
Topaz: Fight it, Aragorn! Fight the Sue-ness!
*** <–– The stars in Aragorn’s eyes.
'Why are we still here, Boromir?' Gimli protested.
Topaz: Gimli, I feel your pain.
'We came for reinforcements and there aren't any. We should be off by now.'
The man ignored him. 'Any day now Gondor will be attacked by the forces of the Dark Lord. We all know it. I cannot abandon this city Sue-fic, even if I wanted to.'
'Rohan will send help,' a voice sounded from the vicinity of the doorway of the hall. 'You can be sure of it.'
'How do you know this, Faramir?' Boromir asked his brother.
'The nephew of the Lord of the Mark is an acquaintance of mine. Eomer, son of Eomund, is his name
Topaz (as Faramir): “As you know, Bob– er, I mean Boromir.”
and they will come as soon as they can. Theoden, Lord of Rohan, knows that if Gondor falls, Rohan will follow and I have no doubt that Eomer will be able to persuade him to lend us a sizeable force.'
'This is welcome news,' Boromir replied. Then he smiled, 'From what I see, father still favours me.'
Faramir grimaced somewhat. 'When you took so long to return from Rivendell, he went on and on about how you had probably been slain by some unnamed creature.'
Topaz: The people of Gondor feared to speak the dread name “Mary Sue”.
But he smiled, too, at his brother and it was clear that they were friends, despite their father's favouratism. He turned to Legolas and bowed politely.
'For years I have wondered about the Eldest race,' he said.
Topaz (as Faramir): “Are they all as hawt as you?”
'Did you, perhaps, come from Lothlorien?'
'I come from Mirkwood,' replied Legolas. 'My father is the king there.'
'Ah! Of course - you said you were an Elf-prince.'
Topaz (as Legolas): *stupid frown* “Huh? Aren’t I supposed to say things like that?”
'I did. You are very perceptive, for your race.'
Annatar: *headpalantír* If the speaker were not “Captain Obvious” Thranduilion, I’d assume this to be an attempt at irony. As it is, I won’t.
Faramir nodded. 'There are fools who call themselves men, even in Gondor. But I think I can take pride in saying that I am not one of them - nor my brother.
Annatar: What DO they call themselves, then?
My father, too, was once noble but he has become strange, lately, and I do not know exactly why.'
Annatar: But I do. *evil laugh*
Boromir frowned. 'You know of Gandalf?'
'The one the Elves call Mithrandir? Of course.'
Topaz (as Faramir): “Though it’s not like I’ve known him for years or anything...”
'He was part of the group I was travelling with when I left Rivendell - we called ourselves the Fellowship. We seperated a few days ago and my companions and I came here to seek an army for the war that is approaching. Gandalf was to come with us, but he chose to follow another; Aragorn is his name, I don't know if you recognise it ...'
'It sounds familiar,' Faramir admitted. 'But go on, while I try to remember where I heard it.'
Topaz: If it was more than five minutes ago, he’s got no hope.
'Gandalf said he sensed evil here in Gondor. I don't know whether it would have anything to do with father, but ...'
'It's very possible, Boromir,' he concluded. 'But we must keep this to ourselves if we are to to get to the bottom of this. Meanwhile, tell me more about this Fellowship ...'
Topaz (as Faramir, drooling): “Any more Elves like Legolas?”
This sporking brought to you by Dark Sue Publications and SOMEHOW!TM, the Author’s Friend.
Note: I do not own either this story or any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien.