topazlily (topazlily) wrote in crow_syndrome, @ 2007-09-15 12:33:00 |
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Current location: | Still the Dark Tower |
Current mood: | aggravated |
ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR III
Part One
Part Two
Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny).
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor. <––Surprisingly, this does NOT mean the Sue is Mrs Gorthaur. It means... um... well, it doesn’t mean anything, as a matter of fact.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: In this case looking like a beautiful woman definitely counts.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword. A wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Immune to conventional weapons. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. As the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in, she is now much in demand. Yes, at one stroke the Sue has made herself into the main character AND the MacGuffin. ‘Bye, Frodo, ‘bye Ring. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Topaz: The story so far: Fade, formerly Eldravine, servant of the Dark Lord, was allowed to join the Fellowship because Aragorn trusted her. He continued to trust her even after she told him she would soon turn back into Eldravine and betray him. Which she did, much to his astonishment. Here’s the aftermath:
'Now Sauron knows exactly who we are, and what we're planning,' the wizard said. We've lost the element of surprise and he will throw everything he can at us.'
Topaz (as Gandalf): “You notice, Aragorn, that I’m not asking if you were dropped on your head as a baby. I don’t NEED to ask.”
Then Frodo spoke. 'I don't think so,' the young hobbit said.
'What?' demanded Gandalf.
'Fade. She sealed the Ring inside this bag.
'Let me see that.' He snatched the little pouch out of Frodo's hand and examined it closely. 'This is intriguing,' he said, sounding shocked.
Annatar: Slave, let’s try an experiment.
Topaz: *is terrified*
Annatar: Say “This is intriguing” whilst sounding shocked.
Topaz: *is relieved* Very well, my Lord. *dramatically* “THIS... is intriguing!” No, that didn’t sound right. *even more dramatically* “This IS intriguing!” No, that wasn’t right either. Er, how about... *ultra-dramatically* “This is– INTRIGUING!
Annatar: Mmn. As I suspected. Carry on, slave.
'What exactly did she do? Did she tell you?'
'She said that ...' Frodo hesitated. 'That she would seal it so that none could use it ...'
Gandalf looked up. 'Go on.'
'And ... so that no one could destroy it.'
'So that's what she did.' Aragorn frowned, looking even more troubled.
'You knew she was going to do this?'
Topaz: Said the Voice!
Gandalf, the last of the company to hold out against the brain-dissolving miasma of the Sueniverse, yells at Aragorn and the hobbits for being such idiots.
'They didn't know something like this was going to happen, ' Aragorn said impatiently.
Annatar: Yes, they did, actually. She told them.
'But what matters now is that we must correct their most unfortuous error.'
Topaz: Would that be thinking “unfortuous” is a word?”
'He has a point, Gandalf,' Legolas spoke up. 'Every moment we spend here means that the orcs are further away.'
Topaz: Captain Obvious was in fine form.
They argue for a while.
Legolas was silent for a moment, a brooding look on his fair face. 'Did any of your books tell you how the Queen of Mordor may be slain?'
'We can't kill her!' Aragorn looked shocked. 'She - She's our only key to destroying the Ring!'
Gandalf raised an aged eyebrow. 'Indeed.'
'Mithrandir?' Legolas prompted.
He sighed. 'Eldravine was infused with much of the same power as Sauron.
Annatar: So she’s a sort of bipedal version of the Ring? *headpalantír* It’s a wonder I have any power left.
There is little known about such things, but I have heard that she may only be slain such a weapon as that that defeated her master.'
Annatar: A sword. I see. Well, that narrows it down considerably, doesn’t it?
Anduril slipped blindly from Aragorn's fingers,
Topaz: Oh no! What use is a sword without eyes?
falling in the dirt adjacent to Fade's ornate weapon, as Aragorn stared incredously at the Fellowship's guide.
'You're not serious,' was all he could manage to say.
'Have you ever known me not to be?'
Topaz (as Aragorn, puzzled): “Uh... quite often, actually.”
The Ranger wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve.
Annatar: Drooling, is he? I’m not surprised.
'Elendil help me ...'
Topaz (ghostly voice of Elendil): “I disown you, moronic, inbred disgrace to the Dúnedain!”
*** <–– Aragorn’s brain cells.
'So the legends are true then.'
Saruman smiled slightly. The aged wizard paced slowly around his circular hall, keeping a close eye on what was in the center of it.
'It's a wonder you've survived all this time, being what you are and all.'
Annatar (as Saruman): “Aren’t Mary Sues shot on sight these days?”
'What I am is hardly your concern,' the figure said, its voice icy. 'And I still fail to see why the Riders brought me here to Orthanc, instead of to Barad-Dur, where I belong. The tower of a wizard is hardly a fitting place for me to be reborn.'
Topaz: *blinks* Uh... why not?
'The Master will be eager to see you, Eldravine,' he said.
Annatar: Yes. I have some highly creative tortures in store for this Sue.
'Then take me to him.'
He bowed almost mockingly. 'The Nazgul have departed, my Lady. Without them, it will be a long journey into Mordor.'
'I am not your Lady, Saruman. I am your Queen.'
'Yes, my Queen.'
Topaz: Ah, there’s nothing like being an Ebil!Sue and making powerful villains grovel to you, is there, Eldravine?
'See that you remember that.' Cloaked in the deepest black, her face was hidden even in the dim light of the tower.
Topaz: The rest of her was naked.
'I will travel to Mordor alone, if I have to - you cannot keep me to hear you make a fool of yourself, not if you tried.'
'I have no doubt in your abilities,' ammended Saruman.
Topaz: Somebody HAD to go and fire the spell checker...
'I am simply curious to know how you managed to survive all these years long. Surely Elrond, or Galadriel even, sensed your presence and searched for you.
'The person I hid behind no longer exsists.
Annatar: Or even exists.
She was merely a projection, a costume. She was not evil, so the Elves did see her as a threat. Little did they know that the moment the Master regained enough control, she would be crushed.
Annatar: I can’t imagine WHY they didn’t know. Mary Sue probably informed them of the fact every five minutes.
And I, as you see me, am here in her place. She sends her regrets, I'm sure.'
'A truly wondrous story, my Queen.'
'That is hardly gratifying.
Topaz: Then why did you bother telling it in the first place?
Now give me a horse and I will set off for Barad-Dur immediately.'
'Not in sunlight, I'm sure.' Saruman's voice was quiet but faintly triumphant.
The cloaked figure made a sudden movement. 'How do you know about that?' she demanded.
'The Master kept extensive records of your creation,' he replied. 'He knows your weaknesses, your strengths and more. I have read them, of course,
Annatar: Of course, because I trust Saruman implicitly, don’t I?
and I found the part that said how you reacted to sunlight most interesting.'
'And I suppose that is why you were so amused that I had survived so far. Fade was able to walk in light, I have little evidence to prove why.
Topaz: Here, Eldravine, have a free trial-size tin of SOMEHOW!TM ...In fact, make that TWO free trial-size tins of SOMEHOW!TM
I can only infer that she didn't have the essence, the strength of Mordor and that allowed her live.'
Topaz: *passes her another tin* Remember: “Just add SOMEHOW!TM, the Author’s Friend– you’ll never have to worry about plot-holes again!”
'But it still causes you great pain?'
'Enough to make me punish you if you don't close these windows!'
It was a direct order and Saruman bowed his head in submittance.
Topaz: *cough* I believe “submission” would be an EVEN BETTER word to use there, Suethor.
'It shall be done, my Queen.'
He bowed again and moved out of the room. A few minutes later, there was a sharp sound and all sunlight was cut off from the room.
Eldravine removed her cloak and tossed it to one side. Her face was the same as Fade's had been - only her features were filled with a kind of power that made her serious and intimidating. She was beautiful, yet deadly and all who saw her face knew it.
Annatar: And those who couldn’t see it, due to the previously mentioned total absence of light, had to guess.
She glanced at the wall - there were several dust-covered paintings adorning its cold stone surface. She walked over to a particularily large one and blew on it to reveal the colours.
Topaz: My Lord, either someone has lit a candle while we weren’t looking, or the Sue has psychic vision along with her other powers.
Have some more SOMEHOW!TM, Eldravine!
There was a faint stirring in her heart as she gazed up and down its length. She had seen it before and it was not a happy picture. It was a copy of the original that hung within the halls of Rivendell, the House of Elrond. It depicted Isildur, Anduril in hand, attacking Sauron with wild desperation in his eyes.
Topaz: Psst! Saruman! Is a picture of your current boss getting carved up REALLY the wisest interior decoration choice you could have made?
Annatar: Indeed. If the real Saruman turns out to have any such paintings on his walls, he will regret it...
–Why Andúril, slave? Elendil’s sword was named Narsil. And why “wild desperation”? Painful though it is for me to recall, the fact remains that I had been well and truly defeated by that stage.
Topaz: Remember, my Lord, the power of SOMEHOW!TM
The sight of it filled her with anger but she forced it into the shape of a very cold smile.
Topaz: Hey, it’s a new artform: Mood Sculpture!
Back to the Fellowship, my Lord. Aragorn is deeply upset, because he has just learned that he may have to kill his beloved Sue.
Annatar: Why?
Topaz: As far as your slave can make out, SOMEHOW!TM the Sue can only be killed by Andúril, which can SOMEHOW!TM only be wielded by Aragorn.
Anyway, the idea is that they’ll catch the Sue, hold her at sword-point and force her to open the Sandwich Bag of Doom. Aragorn has much angst, because he still loves the Sue, proving her powers work at long distance.
For no particular reason, everyone stops arguing to retell a curious Halfling legend by the name of “There and Back Again”. This causes them to philosophize:
'But everything turned out okay in that story, didn't it?' Merry presssed his point.
Topaz: There’s pressing, and then there’s pressssssing...
Annatar: Everything turned out what?
Topaz: My Lord, Merry turned out to know slang terms from your slave’s dimension.
*rolls Merry a barrel of SOMEHOW!TM* Here, Brandybuck! You’ll need it!*
'I wouldn't say that.'
Topaz: I wouldn't either.
It was Aragorn. 'The story is still going on - the story of the Ring. It's our story now.'
'Exactly. Now it's our turn to decide what to do - and hope that it's for the best.'
Annatar: What do they decide, slave?
Topaz: To part company, my Lord.
Annatar: I don’t blame them.
Topaz: Merry and Pippin insist on travelling with Frodo and Sam. The reason is not far to seek:
The look in Frodo's large eyes was enough to tell them that they were more than welcome. 'At last, some real adventure,' Pippin said, throwing himself into Sam's arms.
Annatar: You’re making that up, slave!
Topaz: Honestly, your Lordship, it really says that.
Aragorn sat down heavily once more.
Topaz: Stunned by what he had just witnessed...
'If I may, I will go in search of Eldravine.'
'It's you're choice, my friend,' Gandalf said.
'Then I will. But I cannot undertake this task alone, just as Frodo cannot. Will you come with me, Gandalf?'
'I would have gone to Gondor,' Gandalf admitted. 'For I sense treachery in the White City. But, if you need me, I will come with you instead. I have no doubt that Boromir will be able to sort out whatever is happening.'
Frodo smiled briefly, and suddenly laughed out loud.
Annatar: Slave, does anything in that passage strike you as being remotely amusing?
Topaz: No, my Lord, but then I don’t smoke Old Toby.
'That sounded very familiar,' he said. 'Did any of you realise that? We've come far as a Fellowship and now it is finally breaking apart.'
Topaz: Hey, somebody should call this part “The Breaking of the Fellowship!”
'It was inevitable, I'm afraid,' Gandalf sighed.
'Well, good luck t'all of you.' Sam reached out and grasped Gimli's stout hand. 'I daresay we won't be seeing each other for a while. It's been a true pleasure sharin' this adventure with all o' you.'
'Well said, Master Samwise.' Gandalf shook his hand in turn.
Topaz (as Gandalf): “I’m being ironic, Sam. Lose the stupid accent or I’ll punch your teeth in.”
Note: I do not own either this story or any characters created by J.R.R. Tolkien.