topazlily (topazlily) wrote in crow_syndrome, @ 2007-10-11 19:13:00 |
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Current location: | Still the Dark Tower |
Current mood: | awake |
ELDRAVINE, QUEEN OF MORDOR VI
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Story Or Series Title: Burdens (of Destiny Density)
Fandom: Lord of the Mad Scientists.
Culprit Author's Name: Khaydarin9
Full Name (plus titles if any): Eldravine. <–– The Suethor claims this means “Hybrid of Darkness” in the Black Speech. It doesn’t. Fade. The Queen of Mordor.
Full Species(es): All of them. No, really, ALL of them.
Hair Color (include adjectives): ”Raven-dark.”
Eye Color (include adjectives): Dark.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Gorgeous, despite being a mixture of Orc, Human, Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, Ent etc. Looks “more like a goddess than a servant of Sauron”. Doesn’t have green lips even though she has green blood.
Special Possessions (if any): A jewelled sword and a wavy bladed dagger. Black leather clothes. Armour, including a breastplate which “made it blatantly obvious that she was a woman”.
Annoying Origin: Sauron mixed her up in a blender.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: One of her “mothers” was Celebrían. She’s in love with Aragorn. He’s in love with her. Tenth Walker. Tenth Rider. Yes, really, BOTH. Led the Nazgûl into battle.
Annoying Special Abilities: 133t fighting skillz. Immortal. Instant healing powers. Can only by killed by Andúril. Sorcery– “infused with much the same power as Sauron”. Gets to intimidate Saruman. Is a better sword-fighter than Aragorn. Telekinetic. Can Force-choke her victims. Is the only one who can release the Ring from the magic bag she tied it up in.
Other Annoying Traits: Has a split personality. Has legends about her. Has a prophecy about her. Weeps “poisonous green tears”. Yes, the Sue is LITERALLY poisonous. Has green blood. Is allergic to sunlight, but only in her evil (“Eldravine”) phase.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Topaz: Welcome back, my friends, to the continuing saga of Eldravine the Super Sue in Retarded World.
Legolas and friends convince Théoden to come to the aid of Gondor. Since nothing interesting ever happens in the absence of the Sue, this scene is just a long, boring conversation.
Wormtongue is nowhere to be seen, and it appears that Théoden didn’t want to help his ally because, basically, he could be bothered. Besides, he hadn’t noticed there was anything wrong.
'What about Eowyn?' Eomer asked, before they could express their relief at how the situation had fared.
'What about her?' Theoden sounded irritated.
'She's my sister,' Eomer said seriously. 'I know her best. She'll won't want to be left behind on such big a quest as this.'
'She'll have to,' Theoden replied. 'Women have no business in war - except to make sure that everything is alright when we return.'
'You'll have a hard time explaining that to her.' Eomer shrugged.
Topaz: But it can’t have been that hard, since that’s the last we’ll hear of Éowyn. No female in the Sueniverse is allowed to compete with Mary Sue.
Annatar: Not even Shelob, I notice.
Topaz: Especially not Shelob, my Lord. Remember, the Sue is powerful, evil and poisonous!
Eldravine shuddered in mid-step. Aragorn, who was walking behind her, stopped. Concern flashed over his face, but was gone as he regained control of his emotions. She spoke, before he could ask for an explanation.
'The Ringwraiths,' she said quietly, but her voice was clear. 'They are calling. Something ... important ... torture ...'
Gandalf, too, stopped. He and Aragorn exchanged a nervous glance and the wizard's grey eyes were grim. Her next word did nothing to comfort them.
'... Gollum ...'
'Gandalf,' Aragorn said swifly.
'Eldravine,' he said firmly. 'Stop trying to communicate with the Riders.'
Annatar: More to the point, stop telling him about it, you stupid Sue.
'You can't tell me what to do, old man,' she snapped.
'Oh, but I can. Have you forgotten that Anduril is never far from your throat?'
Topaz: But the Sue has at last worked out that they can’t kill her without losing all hoping of unsealing the Sandwich Bag of Doom. Yes, my Lord, the Sue is one of the cleverest people in all Retarda. It’s very sad.
They talk. We get information dumped on us: Eldravine cannot open the One Sandwich Bag after all. Only her Fade persona can do this. And only your Lordship can put Fade back in control of her body.
At least I think that’s the idea. It isn’t explained very well.
Annatar: So all I have to do is bribe or torture Fade. Or, preferably, both. Whereas they can’t do anything. You’d think this would have occurred to them earlier.
'He could give her anything she wanted ...' Aragorn murmured in sudden alarm and hope.
'What does she most want?' Gandalf asked, almost gently.
'A simple question,' she said. 'Fade wants freedom. She thinks that I've stolen away her life - the silly wench. And Sauron would never give her that.'
Annatar: Oh yes, I would. It all depends on how one defines “freedom” *cough* Gorlim the Unhappy *cough*
'There're too many risks,' Gandalf agreed. 'She could turn on him and use the Ring herself, or kill both of you at the same time with one dagger strike, losing him both the Ring and his right hand.'
Annatar: Stabbing me, cutting off my hand and then killing herself would take at least three dagger strikes, but then, I don’t expect these people to be able to count that far.
It’s a purely academic point, since the Sue would be disarmed and in chains– in fact, haven’t THEY taken her weapons already?
Topaz: Yes, my Lord. Gandalf must be suffering from short-term memory loss.
Aragorn frowned. 'But if things are going well in Gondor, then Sauron is likely to be desperate.'
Annatar: No, I’m not. I have many more armies in reserve.
Topaz: In the real Middle-earth, my Lord. In the Sueniverse version... who knows?
Gandalf has a Cunning Plan:
'Desperate enough to do something rash?' Gandalf asked dubiously.
'Such as striking a deal with Fade?'
'Would she trust him, though?' Aragorn asked.
Eldravine shrugged seemingly unconcerned. 'She's never been a terribly rash person - I know that better than anyone else. After all, I know everything except her deepest secrets.'
Aragorn glanced at Gandalf. 'Will it work?'
'It's probably worth a try.'
Topaz: Making a deal with Sauron? Look, without knowing anything else about your plan, Gandalf, I can tell it’s going to be a winner.
Annatar: Absolutely.
'I won't go with you willingly,' she warned. 'Whatever you decide to do, you'd better be prepared. I have many allies.'
'We're only going to get one chance at this,' Aragorn mused. 'So we'd better think this out carefully.'
Topaz: Like that’s going to happen.
Suddenly she lunged, her elongated fingernails reaching for his eyes but he was too quick and much too aware.
Topaz: *valiantly resists the urge to gouge own eyes out*
Before she had reached him, he had Anduril at her throat.
'Try that too many times and I might get irritated,' he said and they moved on.
Topaz: Yeah, well, Aragorn, some of us are irritated already.
Back in Mordor, the hobbits get caught by the Nazgûl.
Another figure dismounted from the Nazgul's winged steed. To their surprise, he was human-shaped, though his face was scarred and menacing. There was great power and wrath in his every step.
'Halflings,' he said with contempt. 'I would've thought that it would have been someone ... stronger.'
Frodo was too weary to be angry. 'Who are you?'
'I am the Mouth of Sauron,' he replied. 'His Messenger. I was sent here with the Nazgul to bring my master the Ring and he who bears it.'
Annatar: “Scarred?” What’s supposed to have happened to him?
Topaz: Doubtless, my Lord, his alter-ego in Retarda is prone to walking into doors and stabbing himself in the face with cutlery.
'You'll never take him without a fight!' Merry put in bravely, but at his words the Ringwraiths closed in protectively around the Messenger.
'My orders are not to kill you,' he continued without emotion. 'I am to take you to Barad-Dur so that Sauron may deal with you himself. Do not think yourself lucky, halflings. When he rips your hearts from your chests, you'll be wishing that you had died right here and now.'
Annatar: Instead of then and there. He must think I have no imagination. I’d make their deaths MUCH slower and more painful than that.
'And how what did you have to do to Gollum to make him tell you where we were?' Pippin cried indignantly.
'Smeagol?' The faintest ghost of a smile flickered across his discoloured lips.
Topaz: See? Bruises from the doors, my Lord.
The hobbits get dragged off to meet your Lordship. In passing, there’s a reference to “Mordor’s MANY volcanoes”. So that’s why they needed a guide. They’ve all got double vision!
The Not!Siege of Gondor and the Minor Skirmish of the Pellenor Fields:
The battle had already started by the time the riders of Rohan had reached Gondor. The city gates had been firmly shut and a handful of warriors stood outside, defending themselves from a horde of Mordor-orcs that had been attacking.
The riders, under the command of Theoden and Eomer, made short work of the creatures and were left, waiting for some sort of greeting or sign that they were welcome.
Topaz: *yawns* Well, that was exciting, wasn’t it?
In fact, it was Denethor himself that came out to greet them.
The Lord of the Mark and the Steward of Gondor embraced himself,
Annatar: So Denethor is now quite mad and under the delusion that he is the King of Rohan. I see my efforts have not been in vain.
Topaz: May your slave suggest, my Lord, that the strain of being the only normally intelligent person in a world of cretins may have also taken its toll on the Steward?
Annatar: ...There’s me...
Topaz: *cautiously* I, er, wouldn’t count on that, my Lord. Remember what your slave said last time about there being a reason your Lordship’s Sueniverse self isn’t running the place already?
Annatar: *horrified* Slave, you mean I’m– one of THEM?
Topaz: Your slave fears it is all too likely.
while Eomer conversed with Faramir.
'I'm certainly glad you came,' Denethor said. 'We were preparing for the worst.'
Topaz (as Denethor): “I thought the Enemy might send out an actual army, possibly commanded by, oh, I don’t know, the Witch King of Angmar or somebody and that there might be death and destruction on a vast scale. Where do I get these silly ideas?”
'We haven't won this war yet,' Theoden pointed out.
Topaz: He had been deeply impressed by Legolas.
'Indeed we haven't. But at least we're one step closer.'
Boromir, Legolas and Gimli came riding up, having ran down the last remaining orcs.
Topaz: Snip! Lots of hearty laughter. It’s all been jolly good fun. But wait–
Boromir's expression turned grim as he looked towards the horizon. The others followed his gaze. Hundreds of burly figures moved towards them, even in the orange light.
Annatar: Hundreds. I am supposed to be attacking MINAS TIRITH with a few hundred Orcs? *headpalantír*
The cacophony of military marching echoed off the plain.
'Your timing was always impeccable,' Faramir said to Eomer. 'But never more so than today.'
'I'd have to agree with you there,' Eomer replied, before raising his arm and calling to his riders. Together, they rode off to meet the second wave of orcs.
Topaz: Snip! Faramir gets wounded and is brought to the Houses of Healing. There’s a little girl there called Mariel, who has some mysterious illness. This is a plot point.
It was a combination of the heat, the smoke, and the overwhelming nausea that caused the hobbits to forget most of their surroundings. They remembered little of the ride with the Nazgul and of the journey to the center of Barad-Dur.
Topaz: Saved a lot of description, didn’t it?
Vaguely, at the back of their distracted minds, they knew that they would be meeting Sauron, Lord of the One Ring and they were not looking forward to that.
Annatar: Neither am I.
The impression that it was beyond their hands now was heavy in the air as they stood shoulder to shoulder facing what would be Middle Earth's greatest nemesis.
'Thou hast the Ring?' the Eye said. There was no contempt, no hatred, no emotion.
Annatar: Naturally, because taking over the world is just something I do in my spare time, isn’t it?
The Messenger stepped forward and placed the Ring on the rock before his master. A waver of shadow passed over the drawstring pouch, and then there was a low growl of slight annoyance.
'I suspected as much. Not even halflings could have been stupid enough to take the Ring into Mordor without some sort of second plan.'
Annatar: The plan being to make certain that no-one can possibly use the Ring except me. And this is what the Sue does when she’s supposed to be working against me!
'Master ... ?' the Messenger questioned.
'The Ring has been sealed by wizardry,' the Eye told him. 'Not just any wizardry - it is old magic. Forgotten magic. None of the Istari have lived long enough to learn such things.
Annatar: Then no-one has. Slave, I have a growing suspicion that the Sue has merely sealed the bag with the arcane device known as a “granny-knot”.
Topaz: Indeed, my Lord, that would baffle most of the inhabitants of Retarda.
Therefore, if could only be one person.'
'Eldravine?'
There was a deep vibration as though the Dark Lord was laughing at him. 'Of course not, fool. Eldravine is under my control. She has been passive since the days of the wretched Last Alliance. I speak of Fade, the Other who shares my Queen's body.'
'Of course, Master.' The Messenger retreated slightly.
'In actuality, it was quite a clever move,' the Eye mused. 'It won't work, naturally, but I suppose if thou art that desperate ...'
Annatar: Who am I meant to be addressing?
Topaz: *retreats more than slightly* My Lord, your slave believes the answer is... yourself...
Annatar: *headpalantír*
The voice paused. 'Fade is the only one who can unseal the Ring,' he concluded. 'She can only do that if Eldravine is subdued. That is easily accomplished - only, I cannot be sure whether Fade will do my bidding or not.'
The hobbits exchanged the slightest glance.
Topaz: *under her breath* Sam pointed at his temple and made the slightest twirling motion with his index finger.
Merry muttered something which sounded slightly like the word “Cuck-oo!”
'How can I trick her into unsealing the Ring for me?' he said, more to himself than anyone else. There was a long break as he thought of the possibilities.
'I am going to talk with Eldravine,' he announced finally.
Annatar: That’s all “I” could come up with? This is so humiliating!
'Are you strong enough for that, Master?'
'I should be, if everything has gone to plan. I need her here, now.'
And with that, his voice fell silent once again. A blurred sort of
murmur filled the mind of everyone present. It took Frodo a moment to realise that the whispers were actually thoughts.
Annatar: *snarls* So I’m supposed to have voices in my head! Someone will pay for this!
Most of the murmurs grew fainter as Sauron focused his thoughts.
Topaz: Something the Sueniverse version of your Lordship found extremely difficult, your slave believes.
A distinctly feminine voice filled their minds.
'My daughter,' Sauron's thoughts vibrated through them. 'Where are you?'
Annatar: I resent that! My voice is NOT “distinctly feminine”. Can’t a Maia be interested in jewellery without people getting entirely the wrong idea about him?
'Master?' the reply was hesitant, even surprised.
'I have need for you, Eldravine. Tell me where you are.'
An image of rolling plains and and a vast white city accompanied the thoughts. 'With Gandalf, my Master, and a man called Strider.'
'Strider?' Pippin said in shock but Sam hushed him.
'I had thought Gandalf had perished in the abyss of Kazad-Dum,' Sauron replied in a tone of slight annoyance. 'How inconvenient. But even Gandalf should not be able to keep you captive and a meer man ...'
Topaz: Is that anything like a meerkat?
'Strider is the wielder of Anduril, Father.' Eldravine sounded contemptable.
Annatar: As indeed she is.
'Speak not the name, daughter, lest it anger me. Not so much time has passed that I have forgotten the pain of Isildur's blade.
Annatar: Just the name, apparently. For the last time, the damn thing was called Narsil! It was Elendil’s blade, anyway.
I will send the Nazgul to bring you here.'
The whispers faded and the Eye became imposing once more. However, he paid little attention to them.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
'Go,' he instructed the Riders. 'Bring Eldravine from the city of Gondor. Be very careful, though my Wraiths, for if I am to succeed Eldravine - and Fade - must be alive. Bring, also, Gandalf and the man Strider. If he resists, though, kill him.'
The Nazgul nodded among themselves, and with a sweep of their filthy cloaks, were gone. Merry turned to face his comrades.
'Strider!' he said, his eyes shining like old times.
Annatar: I believe this is the first time that anyone has been delighted at the prospect of his friends being taken captive by me.
'There's hope, my friends,' Frodo said. 'Between the two of them, Gandalf and Strider should be able to do something about this mess we've landed ourselves in.'
Annatar: Alternatively, they could be tortured to death along with you.
'Let's hope so.'
Annatar: I’m glad to see we’re in agreement about something. As a matter of fact I feel like torturing someone now. Where’s that slave got to?
But Topaz has disappeared...