I don't have to answer the voices in my head

Written for palmer_kun over at LJ, as part of a drabbling challenge meme.
400 words of purest AU, involves Severus Snape, a Malfoy, and a Potter.


( The Outing )

Notes: Oh dear. Yeah, I wrote Snarry, but the twist is that this is house elf crack meta. I know, I know. Bad Loki. Stale cookies. ;)


( Dobby screamed in mortal terror... )

I jumped on the bandwagon again. A shock, I know. Inspired by celandineb, and my own uncontrollable urge to promote pretty much any pairing involving a happy Snape. 327 words, G-rated, single-voice crack.

---

5 Reasons Snape Puts Up With Harry, or, Love Isn't One of Them
An interview with Rita Skeeter

You people ask the most intrusive questions. Why must you persist? Does it really matter, why I don't send him to live with Weasleys, or on his own?

Oh very well, Albus. Why I agreed to hang your bloody portrait in my home, I'll never know. Meddling old bugger, I'm sure it was actually Potter's idea.

I do not send Harry Potter away because he keeps the place in order. I know all of the standard housekeeping charms, but Tergeo and Scourgify are not the same thing as on-your-knees effort, are they?

I have yet to evict The Walking Bird's Nest for the simple reason that I am not used to a great deal of discussion. While he keeps house here, he also usually manages to deter fools who feel it necessary to track me down and pester me with questions, the answers to which are most assuredly none of their bloody business. Do not drip that vile pink excuse for ink on my furnishings, Skeeter.

I permit the annoying twit to inhabit my home because he's a reasonably good cook. His holiday meals are quite satisfactory, despite the company he insists on including. Weasleys. It's always Weasleys. And Granger. And that positively insufferable French bint who married one of the Weasleys. And their children...

I keep the Boy-Who-Lived about the place as a reminder that we are not who we believed ourselves to be when we were young. I am not a glory-seeking Dark Master. Potter is not a golden idol to be followed by the masses. Neither of us is the child who first set foot in the Great Hall of Hogwarts... and it is entirely possible that we never were.

Besides all that, I love the little green-eyed idiot, don't I? Dearest Merlin, I knew you'd drop your quill. Spell that ink out of my rug immediately, or I shall not be held responsible for what happens to you.

And Albus... do shut up.

Title: The Theory
Character/Pairing(s): Severus/George
Word Count: 100
Rated: PG for naked Weasley
Challenge: snape100 #145 – Snape, the Animagus
Notes: Snape rarepairs are my favorites!


     "One theory is that Animagus forms are facets of the personality, expressed as animals. But there's another... not as popular, but it might explain this."

     Snape returned to human form, sneering. "Do enlighten me, Mister Weasley."

     George flicked the sheet at Severus. "Don't be like that, I'm not telling anyone."

     Severus refrained from snarling, Better not, if you know what's good for you, and instead raised his eyebrow.

     George loved that eyebrow. "Right, this other theory is that a form can be a missing bit of a personality." He grinned. "Honestly, does anything about you resemble a Puffskein, normally?"

Just found these sitting around on my hard drive, and figured I should probably, y'know, actually POST them. I have no idea how long ago I wrote these.

TITLE: Twice Damned
WORD COUNT: 100
A/N: Feedback hugely welcome.
CHALLENGE: Snape makes another bad choice.

( He watches you )

-------------------------

TITLE: Summer
WORD COUNT: 100
CHALLENGE: Ink
A/N: Feedback hugely welcome.

( It was Harry's fault )

Title: Vegas Vacation
Words: 100
Warnings: Implied animal sex.
Notes: Very random inspiration, I was watching CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, the episode with the furries' convention. Started giggling about the idea of Severus Snape being there.



Severus surveyed the conventioneers disdainfully. "Likenesses of humanised animals?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "We don't have to participate, and –"

Severus shoved a blue anthropomorphised fox in a sequined pink bikini away from himself, and snapped, "Neither of us yiff, thank you very much!"

The blue fox tottered away on huge glittery red high-heeled shoes, and Harry was sure those feet couldn't belong to a woman.

"We can get another hotel." Harry frowned. "Wait, what's yiff?"

"Nothing."

Harry seized Severus' sleeve. "Tell me."

Scowling, Severus whispered in Harry's ear.

Harry blushed, then grinned. "So, just like us, but not Animagi."

Also Posted: Perposterice Entry
Characters/Pairings: Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Word Count: 690
Rating: PG Crack, I'm hoping.
Summary: Severus Snape shouldn't speak to strangers.
Notes: Heeee. perposterice Spam Sender Challenge prompt #29.


( The girl seemed too... polished, in Severus' opinion. )

Title: Dribble
Word Count: 400
Prompt: A 400-word dribble pertaining to the relationship of Harry and Draco.
Notes: Get Ron drunk and interview him, see what happens?


( They know you're doing this, eh? )

( Stubborn Git )


( Sway )


( Dave's Not Here, Man )


( Bloody Hell )

Title: Bugger This
Author: soberloki
Word Count: 425
Notes: Um, crack. Yeah.


One morning, Harry Potter sat for breakfast at the Slytherin table. Millicent, Pansy, Theodore, Blaise, and Crabbe gaped at the interloper as he settled next to Draco Malfoy. Goyle was already involved in his scrambled eggs, and couldn't be bothered.

( What are you doing, Potter? )

You know the deal. 100 words, from a prompt by one of those delightful folks on my flist.

Product: Gnome-B-Gone
Requested By: thermidor
Notes: I'm SO SORRY, Percy. I really am.


Are you tired of gnomes in your garden?
Sick of having your radishes ravished?
Carrot carnage getting you down?

Try Percy Weasley's only contribution to Weasley Works Enterprises, Gnome-B-Gone!

This unique product is administered by Mr. Weasley himself, its secret guarded so jealously that no-one may watch him at work. Past customers will tell you, though, that Percy Weasley's Gnome-B-Gone leaves virtually no residue, so there is no danger to your garden, you, or your family after the product is applied, guaranteed!

Just listen to Mr. Weasley’s shrieks of triumph as he permanently de-gnomes your property!

“Oh Merlin, yes! YES!”

CATEGORY: AU, Gen
PAIRING: Mentions of Harry/Lavender, Harry/Susan Bones, Draco/girls, OFC/Half-a-bee
SUMMARY: Someone bites off more than she can chew. Harry to the rescue? Seventh year.
WORD COUNT: 1,760-ish
WARNINGS: No resolution. Is only a scene, not a story.
NOTES: X-posted to my journal. And this OFC should exist, damn it.


( The Best Laid Plans of Nobody At All )