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Jacen Solo actually won the Ultimate Showdown ([info]jeditraitor) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2012-03-14 22:45:00

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Entry tags:jacen solo, mara jade skywalker

Who: Mara Skywalker and Jacen Solo
What: Victim meets her killer, ...sorta.
Where: Front grassy area of the Complex
When: Not long after they spoke on the comms
Rating: TBD
Status: In Progress


It was really quite impressive how much he didn't want to be here. Of all places here, doing this. Meeting her. His aunt. Mara Jade Skywalker Oh he'd known it was a possibility, her, Ben, older versions of his parents, or Luke. The seal made things like that possible, but preparing had only done so much. When he'd felt her in the Force he'd instantly shut down. Terrified of facing this part of himself. All the things he'd done, everything he'd caused in the name of his crusade it was still Mara that haunted him. Still that look on her face when he poisoned her and her words that he was in fact just as vile as Palpatine had been that stayed with him. And now he was actually electing to meet her. Neutral territory, sure. But he'd never had to face the amount of guilt this would bring to the fore. Guilt was something he would always have on his conscience. Not for what his purpose had been. No, he stood by that. The guilt was for how he had gotten there.

He stood there, he'd brought the red lightsaber, not the green. If she wanted to fight him, it was more fitting she fight the weapon she had last fought. He wouldn't fight back of course. But he didn't think Mara would want to kill him. It wasn't in her anymore. She was the Jedi Master after all. The one who had fought her way back from the darkness. Unlike him. She'd been given a chance.

There was so much bitterness mingled in with the overwhelming guilt that was his presence in the Force as he paced the grass covered area outside the complex, waiting to meet her. It might actually have been for the best that Luke and Leia were no longer here, and Han, well maybe she'd be able to get through to him better than anyone else here.

It was good that she was here. That she wasn't dead, but as Tenel Ka had advised him, he had to face her. He had to stand before the aunt he had murdered so cruelly and talk to her and try to come to some sort of peace. Or at the very least find a way in which they wouldn't need to fight to the death. Mara had accepted that he had maybe saved himself a little with his act of sacrifice for Tenel Ka and Allana, but she didn't know about Ben, about what Jacen had done, what he had put the boy through. Her young son. The son she'd given him as an apprentice because once upon a time Mara had trusted her nephew to know the best for Ben.

He could not be forgiven for that either. Mara, Ben and Tahiri. His greatest of sins.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 12:56 am UTC (link)
Truthfully, Mara wasn't so sure she was ready for this, but she knew it had to happen. And talks like this, like what they'd started on the boards should be done in person. Mara wasn't the type of person to just turn and run away from something. While she was still so completely raw from the experience of dying, and now she was disoriented from finding herself here, she could still be capable of rational thought. There was also the fact she did have an understanding that they needed to co-exist somehow, and the only way to do that was to have this talk.

She headed towards the complex, walking slow enough so she could properly put herself into as much of a calm state as possible. Her Force presence was anything but calm. It was angry, fearful, disconcerted and disoriented. As much as she may have wanted to kill Jacen, she wouldn't. She would not walk that path. She had walked the dark side before, she would not let herself walk it again. She would not ask for a battle to the death, there had been enough of that all ready. No, Mara was taking the high road, and she was going to talk with Jacen. Even if she had the right to kill Jacen, she wouldn't. She wanted answers, she wanted the truth, nothing more. If she could get those, then she could be at peace and be able to co-exist with Jacen.

Oh she felt him in the Force, she felt the bitterness and guilt that plagued him. She was armed, as she never went anywhere without a weapon, but she had no intention of using it against Jacen. When she neared the complex, she paused about a block away, fearful in her own right for this encounter. How could she not be scared? When she had just seen him, he was killing her, trying to explain why he was doing this. But Mara took a deep breath, centering herself as much as possible, and headed towards the complex. She saw him pacing on the lawn. She came to a stop at the edge of the grass, her arms crossing, though she made a point of letting Jacen see her hands were empty of weapons. Her lightsaber was at her side as it normally was.

"Hello, Jacen," she greeted. While on the outside, she appeared calm and collected, her Force presence gave her away. But the only way to quell the emotions, the only way to go forward was to talk. And she could sense the change in Jacen, that he wasn't the same as he'd been when he killed her. That was a start, wasn't it?

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-15 01:20 am UTC (link)
Anger, of course he felt her anger, it was an emotion everyone trained by a Sith could pick out of a lineup at thirty paces. And Mara had every right to be angry at him. He'd taken her life from her. He'd taken her world. And yet here she was, bearing no weapon in her hands, though they both knew one thing about the other. Neither Jacen Solo nor Mara Jade Skywalker were ever truly unarmed. And he knew also that he hadn't beaten her on Kavan. He'd cheated her, poisoned her, taken away even the possibility of a fair fight. But it had been his kill, his sacrifice, and he loved his aunt even now. Even as her murderer.

Two simple words, a greeting and the man formally known as Darth Caedus looked down to the floor. Now fear, that was an emotion he'd had less and less of as time went on. Guilt was a relatively new one for him to relearn though he'd been full of it in his teens and early twenties, so very convinced they carried a burden in the Force, one that he was not worthy of. Maybe he'd been right and people should have listened. Ironic that Mara was one of the ones to coax him back from his stance, she told him people needed him. The Force needed him, in the end it had cost her her life.

"Mara" he said simply, still unable to look at her.

He was a conflict of emotion, of confusion and of course the bitterness and guilt that he had felt since feeling Mara's presence in the Force. And she was here for answers that he didn't know how to give. Why? He'd told her why back in the cave. Because he had to save the future, because she would help him do just that, because it had to be someone and she had come looking for him. "If you want to start with why, all I can tell you is what I did back...back then. I believed it was the only way. Because Lumiya told me it had to be someone I loved and then when you found me, when you stood ready to fight me I knew it was you. One of the last to defend me and I...There's no defending it. And you have every right to ask whatever you will of me. I know that now. This place, I can't put it into words but its changed me. Tenel Ka has helped me, and Allana, she's older here, Tenel Ka's little girl, do you remember. She's my daughter. I know people suspected but..."

Its seemed now that he was talking he couldn't stop, and Force help him he still couldn't look at her.

"I'm sorry." he finished lamely. "Just words I know, but I'm not hiding from you now. Look for yourself."

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 01:54 am UTC (link)
Their fight was still fresh in her mind, as it should have been considering those were her last memories before coming here. And she well knew Jacen was armed. It was hard to judge how this conversation would go when Mara herself was still emotionally raw, and Jacen was riddled with guilt. And then fear mixing in. Jacen was afraid of her? Perhaps he should be, she did have the upper hand on Kavan until he'd tricked her, used her son's image to distract her just long enough to be poisoned. And really, did it have to be poison? He had certainly chosen the most cruel death for her, though it had been painless. But the fact that it had been painless had made it all the more painful, a contradiction she would have to live with now.

And he was unable to look at her. Well, this certainly was a change she hadn't expected. Perhaps he really was changing, trying to find his way back to the light side. And if anyone knew how hard it was to walk that path, it was Mara herself. It had taken her a long time to denounce the dark side, though part of it had because Palpatine had manipulated her even in his death. But Luke had helped her expunge that final command from her so she could be free of a need for revenge that was not truly her own. But now as she stood there before Jacen, the need for revenge that she felt was completely her own. But it would be a bloodless one, unless Jacen drew his weapon on her.

Mara listened to the explanation he gave, and she couldn't hold back a scoff as he mentioned Lumiya. Oh Mara detested the woman, always had. That hate had been multiplied when she'd discovered Palpatine had lied to her about being the only Hand, and deduced Lumiya had been one. Oh she would sooner see Lumiya dead. But she managed to hear all of what Jacen said, looking at him, though he still couldn't look at her.

"So my being your sacrifice was not something you'd planned on ahead of time, it came about when I came after you and we fought on Kavan?" She did want to know whether or not Jacen had predetermined that he would kill her or not. It would make a large difference to her. Forgiveness was out of the question regardless of the answer, but the answer would be the difference between a slow acceptance of things and a slower one. At the mention of Allana, Mara nodded. "Yes, I remember her." It did make sense, and he was being forthcoming, which she accepted. What she wouldn't tolerate was more lies. "Tell me Jacen, how long were you with Lumiya before we clashed on Kavan?" Which would then lead into the other questions she had in regards to how many lies he'd told her.

"I know you're not hiding, and I do appreciate that. Just as I am not hiding from you, nor am I out to kill you. I simply want answers, and I want to find a way that we can co-exist. I don't want all of this bad blood between us. I can sense that you are different than you were on Kavan, but you do understand I want no more lies if I am to again trust you." Even now, somewhere underneath the swirling emotions, she wanted to be able to believe in her nephew again, which was probably the most tragic part of this. But she would not let herself trust until he earned it. She'd blindly believed in him before, entrusted her only son to his care. She would not make that mistake again if she could help it.

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1/2
[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-15 03:12 am UTC (link)
Oh now that was a question he had no wish to answer. But she'd asked it and he'd sworn he'd be honest with her no matter what it lead to. It would end today one way or the other. He'd let her take what measures she needed to take. It was why he had come alone. He didn't follow the light side. But he knew in his heart that he'd done this to her and she'd deserve to do whatever she did. And the scoff when he'd mentioned Lumiya. Oh there was already so much she was asking that he didn't want to touch. Things not even Tenel Ka had asked him about yet. When he'd started, why he'd started, what had turned him from questioning Force User into Sith, from Jacen into Caedus.

"Your murderer was named Darth Caedus, by the way. I thought you deserved to know that." he said simply. "And I'm trying Mara, I am. But I suspect that part of me will always exist, because how can he not. Because you can't just cut the darkness out can you. It lives in you until you die and even then, even then it sits there festering and boiling under the surface. But here I have my wife, my child. The love I took from your life. And I don't deserve them. I know I don't. But I need them too." he didn't know why he was saying this, knowing what it would turn the conversation to. The one question he really didn't want to answer. Ben. Ben and what he'd put him through.

"I planned it. I mean, I thought of options. I thought of Jaina, my parents, Force help me, I thought of Tenel Ka and Allana for a brief time. And Ben. Oh I was convinced it was Ben." There, there was the name finally, much as it pained him to say it. "It came together though when you started to suspect me. I knew you'd come after me if I laid a trail and I laid it well didn't I? You couldn't resist. So yes, in answer, I suppose it was premeditated once I knew you'd come for me. Once I knew it would be you and not Luke. It was destined to be you. As for how long, There was a mission remember, with Ben and we met Nelani Dinn. We also met Lumiya, she told me some things, made some points, I...began to listen. Nelani had to die, she...she knew too much. I saw so many things that day Mara. I saw what I had to become and ironically...I laugh now but, it was to save Luke, it was to save him. I saw him die at my hand in a war torn galaxy, in every possible outcome except the one where I learned from Lumiya. I didn't want to ever kill Luke. So I killed Nelani, and I altered Ben's memories so he would just assume it was a Dark Jedi that had done it and I'd killed them. And Mara, I tested Lumiya, I got her close to Luke just to prove she was in it for me and not for a way to get to him, and I went back, flow walked back to see if I would just wind up like Grandfather. I didn't go into it eyes closed but to save the Galaxy I had to. But in answer to your question. The day Nelani died I was already committed to walking the path of the Sith. To save your husbands life."

He waited wondering if she'd laugh or slap him. Why hadn't he gone to Luke, to her, to his parents or sister, or Tenel Ka? So many questions each making perfect sense. But the war had already been beginning then. He'd already chosen his side and it wasn't his fathers, and there were already so many strains. He'd needed Luke and Mara to stand by him and they wouldn't, they couldn't if they knew what he'd had to do to ensure peace. To ensure Luke's safety.

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2/2
[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-15 03:16 am UTC (link)
"There is more of course, so much more that I did, that you need to know, and you'll hate me. Because I think I do sometimes. Tenel Ka says I'm changing, learning but I still feel it, all that darkness. If anyone so much as looks at them wrong I want to hurt them. Burn them to ash with the power of the Sith and I..."

Oh it burned him sometimes. The things he kept from Tenel Ka and Allana for their own good. Those feelings, that anger. He thought sometimes that they knew, but they didn't press it and he fought against it. Oh how he fought against it. They deserved so much better and he struggled to be that for them.

But Mara, why was he telling her this? He found he could only laugh again bitter laughter to mix in with the bitterness in his Force Presence. "No more lies, its a funny thing actually Aunt Mara, sometimes I forget which those were? Lies, truth, it was all one big mix of words by the end. I had so many strings to pull I forget now which were forgeries and which were truly me. Is that insane? It probably is. It probably means there's no co existence because I know what you'll ask next. I can see it. I can still see and his name is burned in your mind because it was burned in your mind with your last thoughts.

"You want to know what became of Ben. Who called himself my apprentice, because in your last moments you understood what that meant, didn't you?"

She would ask and he would answer. He owed her that.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 04:34 am UTC (link)
Mara truthfully had no idea how Jacen would even respond to her questions, and she didn't know if he'd even told anyone else what he was going to tell her. But she knew it was her right to ask these things of him. She had to know, to better ascertain how exactly things had happened and how they had ended the way they had. Though she knew it would be difficult for Jacen to talk about, she could sense that just from the way his Force presence felt. But this was a conversation they needed to have.

Darth Caedus. It was good to know what her nephew had become. She had wondered what she could call him, but she was content with Jacen. He wasn't as dark as Caedus should have been. Briefly looking down at the ground, Mara took a breath, then looked back at Jacen, still being able to remain calm. Somehow. No doubt still the remnants of all Palpatine had taught her many years before. "No, you can't just cut it out and leave it behind you. No matter how hard you try. It will always be there, always waiting for you to tap into it again. I know that all too well. Even though I am a Jedi Master, I still feel the darkness there, waiting for me. I even reverted to using my skills as a Hand on Kavan." As much as she didn't like it, she well knew the struggle against the dark side, to keep it under control. So that was definitely something she could relate directly to Jacen on. "Everyone needs someone. Whether you deserve them or not, they are your family and they are here. You should be with them."

Then as Jacen turned to the subject of her death, it was difficult to hear, but she needed to hear it. So she hadn't been the intended target originally, but it did make sense in a strange sort of way. And when it came down to her or the other members of their family being the sacrifice? Mara would rather have been the sacrifice to save the others. There was a flash in her eyes, a spike of anger in her Force presence as he said he was convinced Ben was the sacrifice. That didn't sit well with her. She'd done everything in her power to keep her son safe from harm. If she had known how dangerous Jacen would have become, she never would have entrusted her son to him. Though that anger was quickly quelled somewhat as he spoke of Lumiya and explained how he originally began his turn to the dark side. She couldn't help but wonder if Lumiya had had other motivations in turning Jacen than to simply turn him to the dark side. Knowing the woman, she undoubtedly did have underlying motivations in the matter.

"Wait, you turned to the dark side so you could save Luke's life?" A slight look of confusion finally cracked the otherwise stoic and calm look on her face. Well okay, so that made sense the more she thought about it and knowing how Jacen was before he fell. But then she heard the part about him having altered Ben's memories. Oh now that didn't sit well with her. She was extremely protective of her son. And that revelation alone was enough to finally make her walk over to him, balling up her fist and punching him square in the jaw. "You altered my son's memories just to cover your tracks?" She was trying so hard not to completely give in to the anger she was now starting to feel. But she knew she wouldn't raise a weapon against Jacen. No, she would just let her words and fists do the talking this time. "Was that the only time you altered my son's memory? Or were there other times?" She was fully prepared to punch him again if the need arose. But for now she just let him continue, taking a couple steps back to let him have some breathing room. After all, she didn't want to give him any reason to think she might draw her weapon on him.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 04:34 am UTC (link)
Well okay, so if Jacen himself wasn't even sure where the lies ended and the truth began, how could she know for certain whether he was telling her the truth in the first place? All she needed to know was to feel him in the Force, knowing he was different than he had been. For now, she would have to rely on that. "Yes, I want to know about my son. What became of Ben? And yes, I understood what that meant. I swear if you turned him Sith..." Her body language suddenly got more aggressive, but it was her natural reaction. She always had been overprotective of Ben. So this reaction should not come as a surprise to Jacen. And she needed to know that her son was okay, that he would be okay without her. And Luke. Oh what Luke must have done after her death. She wanted to cry, but she refused to do so here in front of Jacen. She didn't want to think about what her family felt after her death. Not right now, though she had a feeling she would have to face some of it with however Jacen answered her.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-15 06:05 am UTC (link)
The darkness would always be there and he would always have to fight it. It was almost a comfort to hear it. Ironically it wasn't entirely true, there had been a time, in the few memories he had of his time in that place he could only call damnation that he'd been Jacen again. Jacen as before, without the anger. But with the seal pulling him from that place to here and restoring his life it had restored the anger with it. And he had not had the decades of control over it that his aunt possessed. No, he had to take the long way around. Maybe Mara could be an example. If he had any right at all to think of her being here that way. The rest of the family could say blessing but for Jacen, her presence was a lesson. "I remember well how you fought on Kavan and part of me wonders sometimes if you might not have bested me if not for the dart. I mean, I had skills you didn't expect but then you went for the old tricks and I find I couldn't tell for sure. My predictions were off. You'd thrown me off my game. But in the end, I had to. I just had to."

He said nothing of his own family. He'd made the point and Mara was now focused entirely on her own family. Those boys she'd left behind. Husband and son both. And of course she wanted to know their fate. Ben's fate.

The punch was expected. And just as sore as he'd remembered her attacks being much as pain meant something so different to him now. But he winced all the same because of the emotion behind the punch. It was entirely deserved. He had done that to Ben after all. "Yes I altered them, even before I began my training. He couldn't know. I'd done it once before, just once when he discovered Allana was mine. It was so easy, just a simple act with the strength of power I have at my disposal. I'd done it once, could I not do it again, just the same to save him knowing of Nelani's fate? Such an easy thing, I said, won't harm him. Do you know part of me used to believe Jaina was right in something she said once, she said she thought a part of me died in the Embrace of Pain and what was left was different. But another part of me looked at Tenel Ka and Allana and knows that can't be true because it wasn't until after that we were a family. The Embrace changes you yes, but destroys you...no"

And why was he mentioning this?

"After your death he did everything he could to find your killer, and all evidence pointed to Alema Rar so, well I let it. I stood by them at your funeral as it happens. No one was pleased, I'd tried to have Mom and Dad arrested, it seemed a convenient time. I wasn't planning to be there but Tenel Ka had asked me to make my amends with Luke and for her support I had no choice. I'd have stayed away but...well you know that part don't you, some part of you remembers. Anyway Ben, I suppose he began to suspect. I don't know all the details. What I do know is, he acted like a GAG officer, followed the evidence trail, followed it all the way back to me but he didn't let me know. Oh he asked me outright and I denied it and Ben...he played it so well, he did what he had to do, Omas died...more at his own hand than Ben's but it fooled me. And then I took him back into training. I'd turned my hand to Tahiri by then...that I won't go into now. But I had decided Ben wasn't ruthless like Tahiri was becoming. He would never be worthy to kill me and take my place. But I have to admit now, looking back, he got there, he actually waited, played the apprentice. It finally worked helped me attack Kashyyk more viciously. Until he took his moment to strike and tried to kill me. Failed of course. He wasn't lucky enough, maybe someday he would have been but..."

Closer to the line between Jacen and Caedus than he'd have liked he stepped back. Taking a couple of moments to focus himself, find the ever dimming twin bond with Jaina and find his wife and daughter in the Force. Mara deserved all of the truth.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-15 06:06 am UTC (link)
"I figured he needed to learn from that ruthlessness. Learn the true meaning of pain, and so I...well I expect you know what I'm about to say. I tortured him Mara, for quite some time. Held him in the Embrace of Pain as Vergere had once done to me. I tried to teach him. I was so convinced it was the only way forward and that he was to be my successor. But Luke, he got to him before I could finish, he tricked me, he made me think he was dead and then he fought me. He was better than me that day but he stopped Ben taking my life in anger. Probably saved him. Didn't save me. By then they say there was nothing left to save. Last I heard he was fine, trying to redeem Tahiri. Being the good little Jedi Knight you raised him to be."

Story finally told Jacen held his hand up for a moment and unclipped his lightsaber lowering the weapon to the ground without so much as a look at it. Finally he was looking at Mara.

"That's what became of Ben. I tried to turn him, of course I did. But he was stronger. He wouldn't bend and he wouldn't break. Do you have any more questions or is this done." There was a fire in his eyes she'd know well, one she'd remember. It wasn't Caedus not quite, but he didn't know how else to be when talking about all this, when remembering his many acts of evil. The things he was trying to put behind him, push under the proverbial rug all rushing back to confront him in a very real way.

"I wouldn't stop you and no one would blame you." he said simply. Tenel Ka and Allana the only reasons he wasn't begging her to end him. Because maybe then, maybe if she did the anger would vanish again.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 07:56 am UTC (link)
Even in the midst of this and all the emotion she was feeling, there was a part of Mara that felt she could help Jacen. She personally knew the struggle it took to keep the dark side under control. Even after the decades of practice she had, it was still an every day struggle. There were days that were harder than others, obviously, but it was an ongoing battle. There were times where she knew she could so easily slip back into that role if she didn't keep control of herself. Now was perhaps the best example of that. With everything she was hearing, it made it harder to keep control, to not lash out in anger in anyway other than just words. "Neither of us was truly gaining ground on the other. I tapped into those skills I hadn't used in years, and that worked. At least until you tricked me." And then there was the dart. "Why did you choose that particular poison? So you could explain why you did what you did as I died?" Which was another burning question she wanted to know the answer to. Why had he given her a slow death? She was assuming it was because he'd wanted her to know the reason why he'd done that. But it wasn't a death she felt she deserved.

When he confessed to altering Ben's memories more than once, she clenched her fist again. "So you lied to me when I confronted you about having done that to Ben?" She shouldn't be surprised given the things he was telling her. And there was the mention of the Embrace of Pain. It was obvious Jacen had been changed after that experience, but did he lose part of himself there? It was hard to discern which take was more accurate, Jacen's or Jaina's. She had never been in the Embrace before, so she couldn't even fathom how someone would be after coming out of it. Though she did know one thing was true, people came out of it different than before.

As he spoke of her funeral, she nodded. "Yes, I remember you were there." That was precisely why she'd finally let her body become one with the Force during the funeral when Jacen had shown up. She crossed her arms again, listening as Jacen spoke of how Ben had acted after her death. Oh she was proud of her son for getting so close to Jacen without him catching on. She had done well in raising Ben, she could see that now. And oh she was so very glad for that. As she thought about Ben now, she couldn't help but miss him so. She longed to hold him again, to be there when he needed her. But those thoughts dissipated as Jacen mentioned the training. Her senses went on high alert again as she listened intently to each and every word Jacen said. Tahiri was one topic she wouldn't push. No, she was more concerned about what was directly between her and Jacen, which only included Ben and Luke as people she'd press for more information on.

But as Jacen revealed he'd tortured Ben, put him through the Embrace of Pain, Mara couldn't believe what she was hearing. She turned from Jacen, turning her back as she walked a few paces away from him, casting her gaze up to the sky, feeling her anger rising within her. How could he have done this to Ben? No, it hadn't been Jacen. It had been Darth Caedus. The Jacen she'd known would never have done that to his own cousin. She turned back around in time to see him unclip his lightsaber, then finally look at her. Oh she knew that fire, and while it made her flashback to that cavern on Kavan, she held fast, an inner fire of her own burning within her green eyes, her Force presence now seeming to boil with anger. This was the closest she'd felt to the dark side in decades, and while she didn't like it, she would do anything to protect her son, to punish those who hurt him. And now she was not only facing her own killer, but also the man that tried to turn her son to the dark side. She unclipped her own lightsaber and activated it, the green blade coming to life. Within moments, she closed the distance between them, the tip of her lightsaber pointing straight at Jacen's heart, her eyes of emerald fire locked onto his.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-15 07:57 am UTC (link)
For several moments she kept that stance, both hands on her lightsaber, ready to fell Jacen. It was within her right to take his life as he had taken hers. This was her chance, and she knew it would probably be the only chance she had.

But after several tense moments passed, she lowered her lightsaber and deactivated it, clipping it back to her side. She took a couple steps back from Jacen, taking some slow breaths and trying to calm herself down again. Even in the throws of anger, her rational side won out, though now she had to struggle again to gain a proper hold over herself again.

"So. You tortured your own cousin. Darth Caedus was more vile than Palpatine." She still held that to be true, but she made the distinction this time that it was Darth Caedus, not Jacen, who held that. Because the Jacen she felt, the Jacen she was speaking to was not the same Darth Caedus that had killed her. Would it always be a part of Jacen? Yes, just as the Emperor's Hand would always be a part of herself. "Did you ever forget about me? What we were before you fell?" She was looking for more than just her death having haunted him. She wanted to know if he saved any part of their relationship from before things had gotten bad. If he had, perhaps there was some chance they could eventually repair their relationship. Oh it would take time, especially for her to build up trust with him, but it would be something to strive for, at least.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-24 09:22 pm UTC (link)

Did she have to go there, with all this, with everything he was finally admitting to, did his aunt really have to ask him why the poison? He didn’t want to tell her, every inch of him was begging not to have to explain it. Besides she knew the answer already, or part of it. There had been so many reasons for that choice but the ones he was ready to throw at her were more than a little risky given the current topics of choice. But even if she couldn’t tell he was lying in the Force, his aunt knew him well enough, and he’d promised her no lies. “The poison was a failsafe. If I wasn’t winning, or at least that’s what I told myself. Really, yes I wanted to tell you as you died why it had to be you and why I was sorry it was you, because you did mean a lot to me Mara. You do. I didn’t want you to be alone and I had to make you see that because of you, your death. You’d help me fix things. Oh I was gone so far by then. Only someone like Jaina or Luke could have had any chance of making me see. And they didn’t try, did they? Oh, and of course the other reason, Alema was fond of those poison darts so, yes it seemed like the most appropriate way to do it. You’d die and she’d have the blame. I didn’t expect her to take it so willingly but it seemed she was a fan of my work.”

Ben’s memories? Oh, oh she had asked, hadn’t she? Long ago. “Yes I’d lied. Of course I did, I could hardly tell you the truth of it could I? What was I supposed to say? I wanted you on my side, I wanted all of you to understand but I knew you wouldn’t. So I did what I needed to do to keep my secrets, and Ben kept finding them out. I had to keep him quiet. I wasn’t proud of it it’s just, some things become necessary don’t they. It was unfortunate.”

There was so much more he could have, should have said. But his aunt’s lightsaber roared to life at the mention of what Caedus had done and when she ran toward him, he didn’t fight. He didn’t attempt to defend himself, but he also didn’t flinch. It seemed right that it should be her. It seemed to make sense that Mara be the one to take his life. He hoped Tenel Ka would remember him well, his Allana and the child that now never would be. He wondered would Jaina even care, and he waited, and waited. And no blow came. No release from the guilt that so often consumed him.

And when she didn’t strike he nodded, waited for her to compose herself and ask him more questions. It seemed right that she do so, of course. She had more information. But he didn’t expect those words again. Those same words. More vile than Palpatine.

“Yes.” he began simply. “He was, I was.” The distinction was more than unexpected. He’d expected to be called Caedus now until the day he died but he hadn’t expected her to think of him as Jacen. “I...he, thought Ben would learn as I did in the embrace, that he’d learn the true way as I had and he’d be...pliable, easy to teach and then one day he’d fight me and win. Rule of Two, you understand how it is? Or do you, were you ever really Sith, Mara, or were you just dark, just his weapon. I was going to make Ben something more. I was going to try.” Her next question actually threw him a little, Mara was good at the unexpected, always had been. It was a trait of hers. “Of course I remember, you were the sacrifice it had to be someone I cared about and you always understood me, didn’t you. I didn’t ever forget and yes, I am sorry it had to be you I killed. It was always with me. You were my Aunt.” Odd as the question was though, he had some idea of why she had asked it. “Mara, are you trying to find something redeeming in me. Is that what this is? Because if you are? I don’t know where to look beyond my wife and child. They are the reason, you know that. Just as Luke was your reason.”

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-25 02:16 am UTC (link)
So she had guessed right in why he'd chosen poison. And of course he would have let Alema take the fall for it because of the manner of her death. But Mara needed to hear this, as difficult as it was. She knew Jacen wasn't lying to her now, for which she was grateful. Mara had had more than enough of lies being told to her. And the truth was certainly refreshing, at the very least. It meant that she could then accept everything that had happened and try to move on. No, she had to move on from this. If she didn't, then what good would she be in this new life some Seal had decided to give her? Nodding to Jacen's explanation, not feeling the need to respond to that particular subject. All that remained was to accept it and move on.

The topic of Ben was, however, a harder one for her to hear. After realizing that Jacen had fallen, she had second guessed herself, wondering if it had been wise to allow Jacen to teach Ben. But what was done was done now, wasn't it? There was no going back. "And some will go to any lengths necessary to keep their secrets hidden." It was a fact she knew and, to some degree, understood. While she herself had never been one to keep her own past a secret, she had been an assassin and espionage expert long enough to know some people would do whatever it took to protect their secrets. Mara just had never expected her nephew to go to the lengths he had to protect his. But that was the thing about falling, feeling that you were doing the right thing. Not that Mara had ever fallen herself, she'd been raised only knowing the dark side, but she knew the allure of the dark side well enough.

There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to kill Jacen. Kill him for what he had done to her, to her son. But the better part of her knew it would be a kill made in anger. That was a road she would not walk, nor was she even sure she could take her nephew's life. Not after he stood there, obviously not as dark as he had been on Kavan. There was a hope, she could see it. Did she wish things had been different in their world? Of course. But here, perhaps things could be different. Mara well knew the meaning of second chances, of being given an opportunity to be different, to be better. Perhaps Jacen would never be a Jedi again, but he could perhaps be her nephew again. And if Darth Caedus ever made a return, she would be there to stop him.

After she managed to calm herself enough, she listened to Jacen, doing everything in her power to keep herself from falling apart right then and there. She wanted to cry, to scream, to just break under the weight of having died and brought back to life. To break from the weight of everything Jacen was telling her. But she wouldn't. She couldn't. Perhaps when she was back at Jaina's and had a moment alone, she would, but not now. She put on her brave face and kept as much of a calm demeanor as she could. "Was I Sith? No, I wasn't. I was a Hand. Vader was the Sith." Though she was rather glad she had never been Palpatine's apprentice in that manner. Who knows what course her life would have taken had she ever taken Vader's place. At the question of trying to find something redeeming, Mara looked at Jacen. "I am because as much as I hate what happened, as much as I hate Darth Caedus, you are still my nephew and I am standing here now for a reason. I do not want to spend this time consumed by hate. And I want to believe in you again. Perhaps that sounds strange coming from me, especially now, but I will not hold onto the hate. I can't hold onto it." It would, of course, be easier said than done, but she would strive to work towards it.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-03-28 12:37 am UTC (link)
She wouldn't hold on to the hate, which meant he was right and she wanted to move on from the things he'd done. Be family again if not friends. He didn't think she'd ever forgive. If not for her own death then for what he'd done to Ben. And he supposed, for what he took from her. He'd really taken a lot, and his aunt would have to live with that, deal with it, in this strange reality where they were both alive but he had his family and she did not have hers. It was cruel and it was unfair, but she'd adapt. Mara could always adapt. She had not been Sith, but she knew the Sith, she'd known his grandfather if not well and she'd known Palpatine as much as he'd let her. Had she ever expect it to touch her family so much, probably not. But she knew what she was dealing with, she'd seen Caedus for what he'd been, as vile as Palpatine, so she'd told him back in that cave on Kavan.

"I like that you're here, Jaina's weak here, Anakin's young and while Tenel Ka and Allana could probably fight me, they shouldn't have to. If I turn though, you would, wouldn't you. The second you saw him in me, you'd stop me. I need that from someone in my life. Someone that won't trust me just because I smile and promise things will be better." He knew that Mara would not make the same mistake twice and that appealed to him more than he could put into words. He was still her nephew, but he would never be the same man that she had entrusted her son's training to.

"Tell me though Mara, have you found anything redeeming? Tenel Ka says she has but my wife is more than a little biased." he said with a smile at calling her his wife. It had been a long time coming. "Have you seen anything you can believe in yet?" He didn't expect a positive answer, he shouldn't get one. Truth be told, he didn't deserve one. Far from it. But Mara was often surprising like that, doing the thing people didn't expect.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-03-28 09:35 pm UTC (link)
As both her and Jacen were in this world together now, they needed to co-exist. Which rested solely on Mara herself and what she chose to do. Between the two of them, from what she could sense through the Force and from what she'd gleaned from this conversation, Mara would be the aggressor if she chose the path of vengeance. But that was not a road for her, she would instead deal with it, let it go as much as she could, and move on. What other choice was there? She couldn't in good conscience kill her nephew now knowing that it wasn't Darth Caedus who stood there now. No, she would pull herself together and survive because that's what she did best. Mara adapted to her surroundings, and this was no different.

"As strange as it still feels to me, I am glad to be here, to be with you all again." Especially Anakin. Oh how she'd missed her youngest nephew. Truthfully, she'd missed all three of them, how they used to be. Jaina hadn't been the same after Anakin's death, and neither had Jacen. Perhaps she could do some good by being here. Perhaps she could strengthen their family bond again. She didn't have Luke or Ben here, so she'd instead turn those instincts to her niece and nephews if she could.

At the statement of whether she'd stop him if Darth Caedus returned, Mara nodded. "Yes, I would. I would not hesitate to stop you." She would do non-lethal means first and foremost, but she definitely would not fall for the assurances he was fine again. Jacen fooled her once, but Mara was not the type to be fooled twice by the same person. Of course she knew Caedus would always be part of Jacen and he would never truly be the man he'd been before he fell, but neither did she expect him to be. What she did expect, however, was that he would try to keep the darkness under control for his wife and child if for nothing else.

When asked if she'd found anything redeeming, she had no hesitation in what her reply was. The smile on his face was proof enough. "I have. And that is love." With that answer, Mara kept to her tune of surprising people, but it was so obvious to her. After all, hadn't love been something that had helped steer her away from the dark side? Of course she hadn't exactly known what she'd felt for Luke right away, but she knew the value of family, of loved ones, and the fact that Jacen had that, that he would do anything for them, was redeeming. Within reason, obviously, but love was a redeeming quality if someone let it be.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-04-04 06:02 pm UTC (link)
It was a strange feeling. Sometimes she'd say something and it would just be his aunt again. And he had missed her much as he'd had no right too. But here the woman had a chance as she had said, move on and survive because that was what they had to do. And much as she didn't want to be around her killer. It was how the sabbacc hand had been dealt. Though she said 'all'. He hadn't expected that, much the opposite in fact. He wasn't sure what to do with it so he had filed it away as a slip of the tongue and focused on her discussion on Anakin and Jaina.

"They will be happy to have you with them again. Neither of them remember...I mean they're both too young here to have been there at the time so to them you are as ever you were. And Anakin, he needs you now. Without our parents here, without Tahiri. He needs someone with him and there's only so much I can do. I can hardly talk about Tahiri with him can I? I of all people haven't the right. Jaina, I don't understand her anymore. Not here. I don't know how to get through to her. I really don't. Perhaps you can, or you'll see something in her idiot boyfriend that I'm missing, who knows."

He was pleased to know she'd stop him if she had to of course. It made it a lot easier for him to deal with the fact that it would not have to be his wife or daughter. And personally he'd rather Mara than Jaina. She had so much more right. "Thank you Mara. I hope you never have to. I truly do, but I can't promise it yet, you know that, don't you?"

Though maybe there was a chance. Maybe she was right and love was enough.

"I hope you're right. You have no idea how much. But I can promise to try and I can promise that in my right mind I would never hurt them, or you. You know that don't you?"

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-04-06 04:24 am UTC (link)
As much as Mara was still new to this place, she was finding some comfort in her family being here. Of course, it would be far easier if Luke or Ben were here, but they weren't. So instead she would focus on her niece and nephews and let them ground her. Jacen would be a work-in-progress, but he at least wasn't Caedus. His presence was far lighter than what it had been on Kavan. Mara needed to take some reassurance in that because she didn't want to think about the alternative. She didn't want to think that she'd have to yet again fight her nephew and worry that he'd trick her and kill her all over again. The fear was there, but she kept it hidden.

"Jaina is from before I died?" She well knew Anakin was from before she'd died, but it was a little distressing to hear Jaina was from before that time. But it gave her something to focus on. And Anakin, oh she'd missed him, so she planned to spend time with him. With all of them, really. Though spending time with Jacen would be something that would be infinitely harder because of everything that had happened between them. But she wouldn't let it stop them from trying to be family again. "I intend to be there for them. Perhaps I can be of help to them, something familiar for them." It wouldn't be so hard for her to fill that role. Mara did want to keep the connection she had with both Jaina and Anakin here.

Mara simply nodded. Oh she knew he couldn't promise such a thing yet, and she wouldn't demand one. It was a struggle that was difficult to handle some times. Her own rise from the dark side had given her insight into the struggle that Jacen was facing. Mara would give him a chance, but she would be extremely wary of him for some time. He'd fooled her once all ready, and she was not going to make that same mistake again.

At the question of knowing Jacen wouldn't hurt her, Mara had a slight pause. It wasn't because she felt he was lying, it was because she remembered that moment on Kavan. When he'd tricked her, then stabbed her with the dart. But quickly, Mara reminded herself that Jacen could've hurt her during this talk, he could've attacked her, but he hadn't. Though she well knew he wouldn't hurt his family, not after hearing the lengths he'd gone to to protect them in their own universe. "I know." Oh this was so difficult, looking into the face of the one who had killed her, trying to keep herself focused on the fact she wasn't back on Kavan with him. There was still a part of her waiting for him to trick her and stab her again, but she was fighting against it, refusing to give into the fear.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-04-12 02:51 am UTC (link)
Jaina was from long before, and it annoyed him because maybe a later Jaina wouldn't have fallen so hard for the tricks of an angel with delusions. Maybe she wouldn't have been so easily swayed and maybe he could have reasoned with her more easily. Of course maybe she'd just have tried to kill him time and time again and it would have gotten tiresome, maybe that later Jaina's very presence would have pushed him back into the Dark. There were so many options but in this outcome he didn't have his twin. The bond was rarely there anymore. Jaina was so lost in her new love. She always fell hard but this, it was frankly ridiculous. "She's from not long after the Yuuzhun Vong stopped fighting us. She's with someone here, I can't even describe how foolish an idea it is. But he calls himself the Trickster so you can see how our dear Yun Harla fell." he told his Aunt, his pronunciation as close to native as a non Vong could get.

"If you're going to be there for Jaina I suggest you plan before you act. She'll be harder to convince. Anakin, well he's missed you. I had a hard time explaining it all to him, you...Tahiri...he still hates it when I mention her name, and who can blame him. He remembers me promising to look after her, not...well, you know." Or at least she knew some of it. He'd done so much worse to Tahiri in the time after Mara's death. They'd both been so hurt and so very self destructive.

It was hard for his Aunt to be here, he knew that, of course he did. She had to stand face to face with her killer and fight every instinct bred into her over her life. He'd tricked her, lied, cheated his way to a win. To her death, and he'd done it because that was what he'd had to do. Oh he regretted it now, but it was part of history. Part of fate and here they stood now outside it, where regrets and damnation met to give them their lives back to do with what they will. He wished Ben here, even his hated Uncle, just so she could have back what he took from her as he;d been given a second chance.

"Do you want me to leave now. Give you some time to gather your thoughts. I'll be around if you wish to speak. But I know that my being here has to be difficult for you. Cruel even, so soon after you've arrived. I will try to keep myself calm, focused. And you do what you need to do here. I will never stand in your way. I swear it."

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-04-13 10:04 am UTC (link)
So Jaina was from the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war. Mara wasn't so sure she liked that bit of news, but it was good to know. Mara hadn't exactly noticed Jaina acting strangely yet, but she hadn't really been here long enough for that yet. Though when Jacen told her about Jaina's boyfriend and hearing he was a trickster himself, she frowned a bit. She didn't like the sound of that at all. "Yes, I can see that. Is it correct of me to assume she has not come out of the mindset she was in after that war?" The redhead remembered that time, how could they not? Anakin had been killed during that war, and it had affected all of them. But perhaps now that she was here, she could help get through to Jaina, try to bring her out of that mindset.

"I fully intend to be there for her and Anakin. How could I not? I am fairly certain were I to keep my distance, your mother would show up here and kick my ass for it." Which wasn't far from the truth. As he explained about Anakin, she nodded. "I do not blame him for feeling that way, either. But I will be there for him. I have missed him, too." It was still strange to think of Anakin being alive, but all she needed to do to reaffirm that was looking in the Force where she could feel him. In the absence of Luke and Ben being here, Mara would take care of the family she did have here. It was in her nature to take care of those she loved.

"Yes, I think that would be the best for now. Thank you for meeting with me. It is not easy for either of us, but this was something I needed." She'd needed to look him in the eye, to see for certain whether there was a difference in him from the man she'd confronted on Kavan. There was enough proof that he was different, so she could relax slightly, knowing he wouldn't strike her down once again. Now she just needed to pull herself together, to properly deal with the fact Jacen was here. It was going to be difficult and take time before she could look at her nephew without any part of her twitching in fear. But perhaps there was hope that day could come. Only time would tell, and Mara first needed to center herself and properly adjust to her new surroundings. But this had been a step in the right direction, hadn't it? Her and Jacen had come to an understanding, of sorts.

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[info]jeditraitor
2012-04-17 05:02 pm UTC (link)
He didn't like how she was. His sister was much changed. More than he ever wanted to see her as. And she was ever the Trickster. "You remember how she was. I don't. I was...with the Vong, But I was told. She didn't cope well, Tenel Ka told me all of it and that's where she's from. She's more Yun Harla than Jaina and she's found her way into the arms of exactly the wrong person to pull her out of that. I'll give Jag Fel one thing, he did pull her free of herself. If you can do something though, if you can talk to her, if you can change how she's acting then you have to do that. Maybe that's why you're here? Maybe that's part of why the Seal brought you."

Be there for her and Anakin. Of course. Not for him. He couldn't ask that. He could never be her nephew again. He knew that. "Can I ask? Don't feel you can't talk to Tenel Ka or Allana. Particularly Allana, just because of me. I know she'll want to get to know you, she never really had a chance before and I don't want to be the reason she doesn't have a chance now. If that makes sense." He knew she'd be here to take care of those she cared about. Her family. Mara would look out for Anakin and Jaina in ways he never could have because it wasn't in him to do so anymore. He had changed so completely.

But this had helped. It was something that had to happen. It was a meeting that had to take place. But it had been hard. It was still hard, and when she dismissed him, Jacen nodded. "I'll take my leave then. I've said all I can say for now. And I'm always contactable. But you have no need to thank me for the meeting. I think gratitude is a little redundant from your side given our past. But we can move on from here. For the sake of the others and for the sake of us both I feel we must. It is good to see you here Mara." he said before finally shifting his gaze away, retrieving his lightsaber and walking away slowly.

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[info]lifeyoulive
2012-04-17 11:21 pm UTC (link)
Mara remembered how Jaina had been. That was when they had parted ways as master and apprentice. But Jacen had a point, perhaps she had been brought here to help heal her family, to take care of them. There was no doubt in her mind that if she didn't do just that, Leia would show up and kick her ass for not doing it. And in the absence of Luke and Ben, Mara needed to take care of someone, to look after someone. It was her nature to take care of those she cared about. Of course, her definition of taking care of people could sometimes border on being overprotective, but she would rather be safe than sorry. "Perhaps it is, and I will do everything I can to help her." She didn't exactly need to put that sentiment into words, she knew Jacen would know she'd do it anyway.

"Of course, I would like the chance to get to know them. So do not worry, I will not let our history keep me from doing so." Mara would reach out to them, wanting to get to know them, and she could keep her issues with Jacen separate. What was between her and Jacen was just that, between the two of them and no one else. And she would look after her family, and that included Tenel Ka and Allana. Once she'd properly adjusted to this place and the fact that Jacen was here, she was going to make an effort to do whatever she could for her family.

This discussion had been beyond difficult for Mara, but it had been necessary for them to have it. And oh it was difficult to keep herself from letting Jacen see the storm of emotions she had swirling under the surface. The fear, the anger, the betrayal, and many others she couldn't put a name to. She kept herself calm, knowing later she could let herself express the emotions when Jaina had gone to sleep. This wasn't something she was yet prepared to talk about with anyone other than Jacen. "Yes, we can. Given time, I think we both will make that adjustment. I will see you around, Jacen." She watched him as he walked away, not having it within her to say it was good to see him because for the most part, it wasn't. She was relieved that he wasn't so dark currently, but that was different from being glad. Once he was out of sight, she drew in a deep breath, then began making her way back to Jaina's apartment. She would then attempt to meditate, but she had a feeling it wouldn't work. But she would at least try.

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