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Oh now that was a question he had no wish to answer. But she'd asked it and he'd sworn he'd be honest with her no matter what it lead to. It would end today one way or the other. He'd let her take what measures she needed to take. It was why he had come alone. He didn't follow the light side. But he knew in his heart that he'd done this to her and she'd deserve to do whatever she did. And the scoff when he'd mentioned Lumiya. Oh there was already so much she was asking that he didn't want to touch. Things not even Tenel Ka had asked him about yet. When he'd started, why he'd started, what had turned him from questioning Force User into Sith, from Jacen into Caedus.
"Your murderer was named Darth Caedus, by the way. I thought you deserved to know that." he said simply. "And I'm trying Mara, I am. But I suspect that part of me will always exist, because how can he not. Because you can't just cut the darkness out can you. It lives in you until you die and even then, even then it sits there festering and boiling under the surface. But here I have my wife, my child. The love I took from your life. And I don't deserve them. I know I don't. But I need them too." he didn't know why he was saying this, knowing what it would turn the conversation to. The one question he really didn't want to answer. Ben. Ben and what he'd put him through.
"I planned it. I mean, I thought of options. I thought of Jaina, my parents, Force help me, I thought of Tenel Ka and Allana for a brief time. And Ben. Oh I was convinced it was Ben." There, there was the name finally, much as it pained him to say it. "It came together though when you started to suspect me. I knew you'd come after me if I laid a trail and I laid it well didn't I? You couldn't resist. So yes, in answer, I suppose it was premeditated once I knew you'd come for me. Once I knew it would be you and not Luke. It was destined to be you. As for how long, There was a mission remember, with Ben and we met Nelani Dinn. We also met Lumiya, she told me some things, made some points, I...began to listen. Nelani had to die, she...she knew too much. I saw so many things that day Mara. I saw what I had to become and ironically...I laugh now but, it was to save Luke, it was to save him. I saw him die at my hand in a war torn galaxy, in every possible outcome except the one where I learned from Lumiya. I didn't want to ever kill Luke. So I killed Nelani, and I altered Ben's memories so he would just assume it was a Dark Jedi that had done it and I'd killed them. And Mara, I tested Lumiya, I got her close to Luke just to prove she was in it for me and not for a way to get to him, and I went back, flow walked back to see if I would just wind up like Grandfather. I didn't go into it eyes closed but to save the Galaxy I had to. But in answer to your question. The day Nelani died I was already committed to walking the path of the Sith. To save your husbands life."
He waited wondering if she'd laugh or slap him. Why hadn't he gone to Luke, to her, to his parents or sister, or Tenel Ka? So many questions each making perfect sense. But the war had already been beginning then. He'd already chosen his side and it wasn't his fathers, and there were already so many strains. He'd needed Luke and Mara to stand by him and they wouldn't, they couldn't if they knew what he'd had to do to ensure peace. To ensure Luke's safety.