InsaneJournal

Hello, beautiful people of Oz! It's been quite some time since I've been able to grace these boards with the work of the Anonymous Author. I come bearing three treasures, straight from the brilliant mind of the Anonymous Author.

As always, I will direct any feedback, compliments, or gifts to the Anonymous Author. Enjoy!



When Magic and Science Meet, Sparks Fly

A tinkle of a bell shook Tara out of her daydreams of a certain dryad and shifted her attention to the door. A young man in glasses had walked in—not normally her type, but for some reason she found his intensity strangely compelling. She glanced away, embarrassed by the feelings she was having. Maybe her fantasies had gotten her a little too worked up. Blushing, she realized he was at her counter and she had to address him. "H-h-h-hello. C-can I h-h-he-help you?"

Dib found himself attracted to the girl, too. She was shy, sweet, Earthy—so unlike anyone from his home world, most of whom seemed to have some sort of neurological condition which resulted in them YELLING all of THE TIME.

"Hello, Miss," Dib addressed the pretty lady politely. "While I consider myself more of a scientific observer in the field of paranormal activity, there are a few items I find myself lacking." He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to talk to her like a person he wasn’t picturing topless. "Could you point me toward some dragonroot? It’s for a machine," he said quickly. "Not for any magic mumbo-blowjob." Wait. That didn’t sound right.

Tara blushed brightly, glancing away. "Um. Er. Dr-dr-dr-dr-dragon r-r-oot. Yes. We.. We ha-have s-some of th-that." She couldn’t really get out from behind her counter without brushing against him, which just flustered her even more.

"You know, all of that 'Freudian slip' stuff is scientifically unproven," Dib said, feeling a little embarrassed too. Really, though, the idea wasn’t a bad one.

"Um. Yeah," Tara said, not sure what she was agreeing to. She led him to one of the aisles and pointed out the dragonroot. "W-we have d-dr-dried and c-cr-crushed." Was that a Freudian slip, too? No, she really had meant crushed. The fact that she also had a crush was coincidental. She had been trying to avoid making eye contact this whole time, but when she looked up she noticed something about him. "My, wh-what a b-b-big head you have."

"The better to fu—-Oh. You mean the one on my shoulders. Yes, I get that a lot," Dib said, getting some of the herbs he needed. “But, you know.. There’s a reason I confused the word 'jumbo' and 'blowjob',” he said with a wink. "I suppose I could show you... For scientific inquiry, and all."

And they worked their magic mumbo-blowjob all night long.




Misanthropy Loves Company

Draco was sitting in a café drinking a cup of hot tea and thinking of how much better wizard tea tasted than this muggle stuff. Nearby, he heard a man murmuring about 'Homo superior'.. That certainly sounded interesting to Draco! He turned his chair around to join the other man’s table.

"Isn't it dreadful here? Mugg--humans walking around like they own the place, and wizards are expected.. what? To hide our gifts? Because their human brains are too tiny to comprehend?" Draco added, feeling his emotions being worked up into a fervor.

"Exactly!" Erik said, pounding a fist on the table. "Our gifts cannot remain unused. Mutantkind is far superior to these mere Homo sapiens. We will not become their slaves, speaking only when spoken to!"

Draco had stars in his eyes as he looked to the charismatic man. "Can I call you 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'?"

Erik looked puzzled. "Well.. My name is Erik. Or Magneto, if you prefer."

"How about 'Dark Lord'?" Draco suggested, feeling a stirring in his loins.

Erik shrugged. "That works, I suppose. I take it you would like to join my cause?"

"I'd like to join your something," Draco said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Erik raised an eyebrow masterfully. "Right here?" The café wasn't exactly empty. But then, none of these humans really mattered. Why should two extremely gifted men feel the need to restrain their love to back alleys and dirty hotel rooms?

"Why not?" Draco asked, echoing Erik's own thoughts. And Erik had always had a thing for mindreaders. The two men lunged for eachother, locking themselves in a passionate embrace. After a long kiss, Draco asked "Would you like to see my Dark Mark?"

"That tattoo on your arm?" Erik asked, pointing at the mark he could already see.

"No, my other one," Draco said, starting to unbutton his pants.




The Prince is Having a Ball

The announcement that the royal family was hosting an old-fashioned jousting tournament hadn't been universally popular. Some people treated it as a joke, and other, more sensitive-minded Brits complained that it was barbaric.

When they announced that the prince was to compete, however, ladies around the world gave a collective swoon, and all sorts of commemorative plates were made.

When Arthur saw his opponent for the final task, he first worried someone had let a child into the field. He was so short! But no, children didn't have beards. Varric proved to be a worthy opponent, and Arthur felt the strong need to speak with him afterwards—-in private.

"Varric, I'm impressed. Very impressed, indeed," Arthur said, stroking his chin as though he had a beard as luxurious as one the dwarf he sat across from.

"Most people are," Varric said with a shrug. "But you were pretty damn good, yourself. Not what I'd expect." He stroked his crossbow suggestively. "Now, if you had let me use Bianca here, I could have shown you things you’ve never imagined."

Arthur licked his lips, entranced by the way Varric was fondling his weapon. He just couldn't take the teasing anymore. "I'll be your Bianca tonight," he said, lunging toward Varric and kissing the dwarven man deeply.

Varric could have pretended to be surprised, but he'd seen the way the other man had been looking at him. Truth be told, he was pleased with the direction things were going. "Well, if you want to keep up with Bianca, you're going to have to put out more than that," he said when Arthur pulled away and started getting up.

"Would you join me on the round table?" Arthur asked, extending a hand to the dwarf. "Only my most trusted and.. intimate friends join me there."

Varric raised a brow. "Sounds juicy. I certainly can't turn down an offer like that." He let the other man lead him through a secret passage to the round table, which seemed to have been prepared for the occasion. There were silken pillows and rose petals everywhere.

"Oh, but first I'll have to knight you," Arthur said, starting to unbuckle his trousers. "Luckily your shoulders are just about the right height."