Helium Raven (severity_softly) wrote in pervy_werewolf, @ 2008-05-23 07:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | #lmom 2008, author: severity_softly, remus/peter pettigrew |
LMOM: An Intimate Alliance of Contradictions, part 21/29 (Remus/Peter, Remus/Severus)
Title: An Intimate Alliance of Contradictions, part 21/29 (I hope)
Rating: R/NC-17
Characters/Pairing (this part): Remus/Peter
Characters/Pairing (overall fic): Remus/Peter, Remus/Severus
Summary: "It would take too long to explain the intimate alliance of contradictions in human nature which makes love itself wear at times the desperate shape of betrayal. And perhaps there is no possible explanation." ~ Joseph Conrad
Kinks/Warnings: ...love? *G* (and angst :P)
Overall warnings: Angst
Challenge: LMOM '08, day twenty-three
Word Count: 2200-ish
Notes: This part is set in the fall of '81. Going to be taking some major leaps in time here in the next few chapters. Stick with me! :D Thanks so so much to innerslytherin and mnemosyne_1 for the beta-reading!
Part 1 l Part 2 l Part 3 l Part 4 l Part 5 l Part 6 l Part 7 l Part 8 l Part 9 l Part 10 l Part 11 l Part 12 l Part 13 l Part 14 l Part 15 l Part 16 l Part 17 l Part 18 l Part 19 l Part 20 l Part 21
Lily and Alice both got pregnant in early 1980. Peter thought it was a bloody stupid thing to do, go off and get pregnant in the middle of a war. But James never did learn to think things through and Lily loved him, so Peter pretended to be happy for them. He felt both a sick sense of relief and a sinking feeling of horror when the Dark Lord targeted the Potters shortly after - relief that Peter hadn't had to be the one to choose who the Dark Lord killed next, and horror because he didn't want his friends killed. He'd been trying to avoid that. And now it was happening anyway, and Peter wasn't in the loop enough within the Death Eaters to even know why it was James and Lily that had fallen into Voldemort's bad graces.
Sirius and Emmeline had split up, and Sirius was drinking a lot more than before. People were starting to talk about the Marauders behind their backs: Sirius was a drunk with familial ties to Dark Wizards. Remus was a werewolf.
That was all they ever said about Remus when they thought someone might hear, but it meant so much more than that. Albus had asked Remus to spend time with Greyback's pack, and everyone in the Order knew it. Remus had come back to their flat the morning after his first full with the pack vomiting blood and begging Peter to run away with him. It had been a tempting thought, but Peter knew the Dark Lord would find him and kill both of them. And anyway, he knew Remus would rescind when he was well again, which he did. Remus didn't want to leave the fight any more than Peter wanted to be a spy.
In one foolishly hopeful moment that morning, Peter had wanted to tell Remus everything about what he'd done. Remus was a spy and a murderer now too. Peter managed to squash the thought quickly though, not unaware of the vast differences in their situations.
Still, the way people whispered about Remus made Peter want to hurt them. Bellatrix hadn't lied to him, not really. He hadn't, in fact, directly hurt anyone in this war. He just gave names and pointed fingers, stayed alive and hoped the Order would soon win the war and he could be free.
And nobody had anything to whisper about him. Peter heard them, as he crouched in a corner as Wormtail. Merlin, Lupin and Black might turn on poor Peter next, once they off Potter. Did you hear Lupin growl at Lily the other day?
They didn't whisper about Peter, and the looks of pity they gave him for keeping friends like Sirius and living with a 'beast' made Peter want to smash their faces in.
He didn't correct them, though. Not ever.
Once the war ended, Remus and Sirius' names could be cleared, but for now, the rumours kept Peter safe.
It was a cool October night when the silver stag burst through the wall of the flat. Peter jumped and splashed his tea in his lap, barely hearing James' voice telling him to come to Sirius' cottage as soon as he could. He cleaned himself up and Apparated away once his heart stopped hammering in his chest.
He was let in right away when he knocked, and he wandered inside, trying not to feel guilty at how tense James and Sirius looked. It wasn't his fault this time, but somehow that didn't matter. "Where's Remus?"
"He's not coming. Sit down, Wormy." Sirius had a bottle in his hand, which wasn't unusual these days, but he didn't appear drunk.
"What d'you mean he's not coming?"
"Peter, will you please just sit."
Peter frowned, but he sat anyway, glancing between his two friends. James looked resigned, but Sirius was pacing.
"We're moving," James said.
Peter's mouth fell open, and he turned to stare at James. "What do you mean moving? Where's Lily?"
"Godric's Hollow--"
"What's she doing in--"
"Wormy, shut up for a minute," Sirius snapped.
Peter narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything else, and James and Sirius started describing their plan to protect James and Lily from Voldemort. It had all seemed logical until they got to the last bit, the part where they wanted Peter to be their Secret Keeper. Well, Peter was sure even that part seemed logical to them, but Peter just stared at them.
They were looking at him with expectation, and Peter opened his mouth to speak, then shut it and shook his head. "No."
"What do you mean 'no'?" Sirius asked.
"Why can't it be you?" Peter demanded.
"Because everyone is expecting it to be me," Sirius countered, his gaze narrowing.
"What about Remus?"
"Peter, you've seen where he's been hanging about. You know what he's do--"
Peter was out of his seat in a flash, his temper flaring. "He does it because Dumbledore wants him to!"
"Still--"
"He does it for us! You've been his friend ten years and you're going to just think he'd turn on us like that!?" Peter's hands had balled at his side, and he ignored the nasty voice in his head that reminded him that he had turned on them, even though they'd been friends so long.
James held up his hands. "We don't want to believe--"
"Just because you're fucking him, doesn't mean he's everything you want him to be, Pete!" Sirius shouted, cutting James off. "You have to admit, you're a little close to be making--"
"Oh, if I'm close to the werewolf, how can you trust me?!" Peter yelled. Merlin, he shouldn't be saying anything to make himself look like a possible traitor. He turned it around. "Haven't you heard what people are saying about you, Pads?! What if we just stopped--"
"OI!" James shouted, rising to his feet too. "Peter, sit down. Sirius, calm down. This isn't going to help anything."
Peter didn't sit. His gaze was hard on Sirius. How could Sirius, of all people, think Remus wasn't trustworthy?!
"I knew he wouldn't do it," Sirius muttered to James, sitting. He slouched and took another drink from his bottle.
"What?!" Peter said, his jaw dropping.
"I've seen you, keeping your mouth shut, keeping out of the way, saving your own arse. Where were you when Dung's got raided?" Sirius snapped.
"I told you, no one sent me a Patronus," he lied, getting angrier by the moment. It was true, what Sirius was saying, but it still stung.
"Because you're bloody useless in combat," Sirius griped.
"Fuck you!" Peter shouted, and this time James had to jump in between Peter and Sirius before Peter hit him.
"I sent you a Patronus, Pete. I did," James said urgently, gripping Peter's shoulders.
"I didn't get it," Peter said, but James ignored him.
"You have to stop bloody hiding behind us some time and do something, Peter. This is a war, and if you're going to keep being a fucking coward, you should just get out of it."
Peter's jaw hurt with how tight it had gone, but even through his anger, he was sort of amazed that his friends had noticed he wasn't helping out as much, but still didn't suspect him. Oh, but James and Sirius never did think much of him, he remembered. They mistook his absences for cowardice.
"This is your chance to do something, Peter," James said, and Peter's eyes narrowed.
That old familiar resentment was racing through him. It was funny how it had lain dormant for so long, after he wasn't living with James and Sirius, but it was still there. Peter ground his teeth, staring angrily at James, and nodded.
It was all over. Peter left Godric's Hollow, the Fidelius charm still coursing through his body, and knew it was all over.
The Dark Lord would know he knew. James and Lily would be dead. Sirius would know Peter was the traitor. And Remus... Remus wouldn't love him anymore.
He should have let James and Sirius think what they wanted. Sod them. He should have let them think he was a coward. But he hadn't, and now it was all over.
Peter picked up a bouquet of roses on the way home, knowing Remus would be waiting for him. He'd never done anything so stupidly romantic - had, in fact, rolled his eyes when Remus brought him flowers before - but there was no telling how much longer he had with Remus now. Weeks, days, hours?
When he stepped into the flat, flowers in hand, Remus' brows had first risen in surprise, then lowered again. "What have you done?" he asked, though there was a dubious smile at the corners of his lips.
"I love you," Peter blurted, and this time, Remus looked almost alarmed.
Remus stood from his chair and crossed the room to hold Peter. "Has something happened?" he asked quickly.
"No, but you were right, I think. It could be over tomorrow and I could have never told you," Peter answered, nosing Remus' hair. He pulled back and held up the bouquet. "I got you flowers."
"I see that," Remus said, smiling faintly. "Are you sure nothing's happened?"
Everything's happened, Peter thought, but he nodded instead and kissed Remus. "I love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry I never said it before, it was just--"
"It's okay," Remus whispered back, and kissed Peter again. Remus pulled back, and now he was smiling broadly and his eyes were glassy. "We have the rest of our lives to say it some more."
Peter's stomach twisted, but he nodded again and kissed Remus hard, clinging to him. The roses were left on the sofa, and their clothes were dropped in a trail that led to their bedroom. By the time they toppled onto their bed, they were both naked and breathless.
Peter tried to memorize every last detail about Remus, the way he was smiling right now, like Peter had made his day (which made Peter feel brilliant, even though he knew he ought to feel rotten), the way Remus' fingers trailed down Peter's sides and caressed his prick, the way Remus knew exactly where to touch Peter to make him whimper and beg for more.
"Have me," Remus whispered, still smiling, even though his eyelids had drooped and he was looking at Peter from underneath his lashes. "Say it again."
"I love you," Peter said, and sank inside of Remus, loving the way Remus threw back his head and bit his lip, and how when Remus squirmed in pleasure, it sent shivers through Peter's entire body.
"Again," Remus whispered, and Peter didn't know if Remus meant the words or the way Peter had moved inside him, so Peter repeated both.
"God, Pete!" Remus gasped, and clung to Peter.
Peter picked up his pace, relishing the feel of Remus' pliant body beneath him. He'd never had anyone like Remus before, and he never would again, and he couldn't stop repeating those three little words the more he moved, and Remus's body invited him to move. They were both gasping with need when Peter came, and Remus was not long after, spilling his release over Peter's fist.
Peter collapsed, panting hard, but smiling for the first time all evening, and when he glanced up, Remus was wearing the stupidest grin he'd ever seen on his lover's face. "We forgot to put the roses in water," Remus mumbled, sounding drunk with happiness.
"I'll get them in a minute," Peter whispered, kissing Remus' jaw.
"I love you, Pete," Remus sighed.
"I know," Peter said, and he'd said as much to Remus just then probably a hundred times, so he didn't return it this time. He pulled out of Remus and slid off to his side, kissing Remus' shoulder.
Merlin, Remus looked happy. Peter settled against him as the haze of release started to dissipate. He wondered if there were a way for Remus to always think of Peter this way, if there were a way for the truth not to come out, like he knew it would. His smiled slipped a little as Remus started to doze, wondering if the Dark Mark would stay on his arm if he were dead, if he killed himself. Or maybe he could come up with a way to make everything look like it hadn't been his fault.
Peter lifted his head and looked at Remus, and Remus must not've been fully asleep yet, because he stirred at the movement. Remus blinked at Peter and smiled. "Hi."
Peter's smile bloomed once more at the way Remus looked at him. He would have to find a way not to tarnish the affection in Remus' gaze. He just had to. "Halloween's on Saturday," Peter murmured. "Do you think I could convince you to wear that cat suit again?"
Remus laughed and pulled Peter close, and Peter sealed his resolve with a kiss.
Part 22