InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Who let the dogs out?!"

detectivespivot (detectivespivot) wrote in paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-06 19:13:00

Entry tags:

~barry allen (theflash), ~patty spivot (detectivespivot)

WHO: Patty Spivot and Barry Allen
WHERE: Patty's shelter
WHEN: Wednesday afternoon
WHAT: Probably angst. Sadness.
WARNINGS: Just the angst?
STATUS: Incomplete

I can't believe you let me down, But the proof is in the way it hurts.

Patty immediately regretted agreeing to see Barry, but there was no going back now. Things were going alright here. She managed to avoid Cisco as much as possible, something that she felt awful about but had to do for her own self preservation, and she even managed to make a few friends. She might have even caught the eye of Ray Palmer, the Ray Palmer, something that wouldn't have happened to her in her wildest dreams, and for the first time since she left Central City, Patty felt alright. No, she felt good, and that all came crashing down as soon as she saw his face.

She didn't know what made her more angry. The fact that he had told so many people his secret - Team Arrow, for one, since apparently that was a thing, Ray's ex, Cisco - and refused to trust her enough to let her in, or the fact that he was here. She knew that she had no right to be angry about it, considering she was here as well, but it was different. Barry was completely unwilling to open up which meant that he was unwilling to commit, and seeing her ex, someone she had fallen in love with, agree to go to 'sex island' to have as much no strings attached sex that he wanted after refusing to open up to her was infuriating. Patty didn't get angry, but Barry had certainly managed to get her there.

She was pacing outside of her shelter back and forth, arms crossed before her chest, and she was considering just leaving so she wouldn't be there when he arrived before she caught the sight of him out of the corner of her eye. She froze, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that she was wearing little more than cut up fabric tied in a makeshift bikini top and skirt, but she still tried to hold her head high as she eyed him. He was always so handsome. Why couldn't he have had a meaner face? It would have been so much easier to just send him away like that. "Barry..."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 02:30 am UTC (link)

She stared at him expectantly when he greeted her, and Patty could feel her face burn at his compliment although she worked hard to keep that out of her expression. She hated that his approval still meant something to her but it hadn't been a very long time... their breakup was still quite fresh on her end. Patty waited for him to continue but when he didn't she couldn't keep herself from turning her head from him to look away, coyly diverting her eyes to the ground beneath them as she shifted from one foot to the other.

"Thank you," she responded quietly. Why couldn't he just let her be angry? Why did he have to be so disarming? Patty crossed her arms self consciously before forcing herself to look back up at him, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder to meet his eye directly. She didn't want to seem as shaken by his arrival as she was. "What did you want to talk about?"

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	theflash 2016-04-07 02:50 am UTC (link)
	Barry sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Can we sit down? And thank you for seeing me. I know you didn't have to and I wouldn't blame you if you had said no." He paused, realizing that he was kind of babbling and he should probably take a deep breath and get to the point. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

detectivespivot
2016-04-07 02:59 am UTC (link)

Patty glanced around on the ground when he asked of they could sit, and she really didn't want to. She just wanted him to talk and leave, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to tell him to do that. She told him that he could come, which meant that she should at least hear what he had to say.

She moved over to a fallen tree, sitting on the log and looking up at him expectantly for him to join her.

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theflash
2016-04-07 03:07 am UTC (link)

It didn't take a genius to see that Patty was uncomfortable with this whole thing. Part of Barry thought that maybe he should just leave now rather than attempting to explain himself. He knew his explanations weren't going to change anything, but he still cared about her. A lot. And since there was no danger here, he felt like he could actually be honest.

He sat down next to her and leaned forward on his legs. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know that doesn't mean a lot, but I wish I could make you understand how sorry I am. The last thing I wanted was for you to leave Central City, but... it wasn't about what I wanted. I had to do the right thing for you and that was letting you go."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 03:21 am UTC (link)

She stiffened a little when he sat beside her and Patty had to take a deep breath in through her nose to keep herself calm. It was the most conflicting feeling she'd ever experienced; she was angry with him but at the same time he still managed to make her heart flutter a little. She wanted to yell but felt those butterflies still moving around in her stomach. Barry was the only person who was ever able to make her feel that way.

He began to explain an she closed her eyes, swallowing hard past the lump that was already forming in her throat, and when he finished Patty knew she should have just forgave him and let it go. She knew that she should have just dismissed him, because anything other than that was just torturing herself. But she couldn't. "Right," she began quietly, eyes opening so she could look down at her hands folded on her knees. "You pushed me away because you needed to protect me. You lied to me about being The Flash, even though you knew that I knew, because it was easier than saying 'just leave'. You knew I would go if you lied. You knew that I knew you were lying."

Her fingers curled a little into fists and Patty finally managed to look over at him. "That wasn't your call to make," she said flatly, words that had been burning on her tongue for over a month. "I thought that we - we were getting serious, Barry. You don't get to decide whether or not I need to be 'protected'. I was on the Metahuman Taskforce, I put myself in that line of fire before I even started dating you. You don't get to say what's the 'right thing for me'." Her voice cracked, but instead of looking angry Patty's eyes just filled with hurt. "I get to decide what's right for me. And you took that decision away from me, in - in the worst way, Barry, you lied to my face and I tried."

Her voice turned weak, and the tension seemed to melt out of her, shoulders slumping in defeat. "...I tried so hard..."

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theflash
2016-04-07 03:42 am UTC (link)

"Letting you go was the hardest thing I ever did, Patty," Barry said. He knew that the words were little comfort and he certainly didn't expect her to forgive him for all the lies, both by omission and outright.

He resisted the urge to reach out and touch her shoulder in a gesture of comfort, knowing that it wouldn't be appreciated right now. "I almost told you so many times. I was planning to tell you. And then the Turtle took you. And he took you because he knew you were important to me." He sighed and forced himself to look up and meet her eyes. "If I told you the truth, if I let you stay in Central City, it would have been like painting a giant target on your back." The fear he felt that something would happen to her, because of him, was still palpable, even though it was long over.

"You have to understand. I watched my mother get murdered in front of me. My father went to jail for it because I couldn't make the authorities believe that he wasn't guilty. Two other people that I cared about, that people I love cared about, died because I couldn't save them. I couldn't go through that again." Talking about Eddie and Ronnie was still hard. He couldn't get over the feeling that he had failed Iris and Caitlin. Especially now that he failed Caitlin again with Jay.

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 04:50 am UTC (link)

"That wasn't your call to make," she repeated, her voice a little colder with a waver of anger at the end. Her eyes were starting to burn and Patty tried hard to keep her emotions at bay, because she knew that she was a crier when she got emotional. Not just when she was upset, but when she was angry, or happy... she didn't want to start crying right now. It would only make matters worse.

"I got kidnapped by a Metahuman, so what? Did you forget the fact that I had to stand in the middle of a street and shoot at a giant manshark on an average day? I was already a part of that world, I already had a target on my back. I let my father get murdered," her voice turned fierce quite suddenly, angrier than she ever had been, because that was something that truly hurt her, knowing that he listened to her talk about her past without even telling her who was truly listening. "I was willing to put myself out there for you, you were the first person after my father died that I allowed myself to get close to, I know how horrifying it is to take that chance. But I took it. If you weren't willing to take it then why did you drag me along in the first place?"

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theflash
2016-04-07 05:06 am UTC (link)

Barry knew that he couldn't argue with what Patty was saying. It wasn't his place to make that decision for her and he should have trusted her to make it for herself. But he couldn't change the past. Well, technically, he could but given how that worked out last time, he wasn't about to try.

"I wanted to, Patty. I l-... care about you. And I was selfish. Because I didn't want to take the risk of losing someone else that I care about. And I realize that wasn't fair to you."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 05:27 am UTC (link)

Patty stared at him with a disappointed frown when he caught himself from letting the 'L' word slip, and she looked away with a tired sigh. He had never said it before. He suggested that he had loved her, but he had never said the three words that Patty had always wanted to hear. The ones she was starting to think she would never hear.

"I don't want to fight with you, Barry," she confessed weakly, leaning forward on her knees and lifting a hand to rub her face. "I don't know what you want to hear, I know this. Despite how you acted and treated me, I'm not an idiot, I know why you did what you did. I know why you think you should have done it, I know your intentions were... good. What do you want me to say? That it's okay?" She forced her head to turn a little so she could look at him. "It's not. It's not okay, you really, really hurt me. What you did isn't okay. Do you want me to say that I forgive you?"

Patty wet her lips and sat back up, taking a moment to think. "...I can't. Maybe in the future but it just happened for me, not even a month ago. I can't forgive you for what you did yet, not after all of the chances I tried to give you. You can't just show up on the island of no strings attached sex and tell me that you're suddenly seeing clearly, you already hurt me. I trusted you with everything I had, I trusted you with everything and you - all I wanted was to feel like you cared about me. And I'm not saying that you didn't, I just wanted to feel like you did. Purposefully making sure that I left Central City, that wasn't caring."

She stared at him with a sorrowful gaze. "What do you want me to say?"

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theflash
2016-04-07 05:39 am UTC (link)

"Nothing," he said. "I don't expect you to forgive me. And I know that what I did wasn't okay. I just... I needed to say it."

Of all the things Barry screwed up in the past year, letting Patty go was the one that he regretted the most, even though deep down he knew that it was the only choice he could have made in that moment. Zoom was far too dangerous and had no qualms about going after the people who meant the most to Barry. And as competent as Patty was, Barry could barely take them out with all of his advantages.

"I'll stay out of your way," he said. "I know that asking if we can be friends is too much, but... if and when you feel like you're ready for that, let me know, okay?"

He stood, knowing there was no sense in staying any longer. Patty had every right to hate him for what he did and now that he said what he wanted to say, he didn't want to force his presence on her.

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 05:52 am UTC (link)

Patty stayed silent with her eyes falling downcast as Barry stood, her heart sinking into her stomach. It was closure, and she thought that that was supposed to make things better, but it was just worse. It all felt worse, like he had ripped a scab off of a wound that was just starting to heal, and she could feel her eyes starting to burn again with the threat of tears that, this time, she was having trouble holding back.

"I will," she managed to force out, her voice tiny, and despite how much she knew she shouldn't have meant it, she did. She knew that there was no way she was going to be able to stay away from Barry now that he was here, she gravitated towards him. It would have been healthy for her to never speak to him again but Patty couldn't let go of him that easily, not when he was standing right there, so real and, for the first time, so honest. She couldn't promise him a friendship in that moment, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep herself from forgiving him. She hated that part of herself.

At first she was just going to let him walk away as she concentrated on containing herself until he was gone, but with a sudden gasp she looked up as if words were trying to escape her before she could bite them back. "Barry?" She called out to him, still sitting on the log, and when she saw his face Patty stared at him with a silent plead in her eyes. A stray tear finally managed to escape, rolling hotly down her cheek. Her lips parted silently and when she found her voice it was rasped, and cracked.

"Admit to me that you're The Flash?"

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theflash
2016-04-07 06:07 am UTC (link)

Barry stopped when she called his name and when he realized that there were tears on her cheeks, his heart sunk. He hated knowing that he had caused her so much pain. It was the opposite of what he wanted to do. He sighed at her question and walked back over, crouching down in front of her, hand reaching up to brush away her tear.

"When the particle accelerator exploded, I was struck by lightning in my lab. I spent nine months in a coma. When I woke up... I discovered that I had abilities. And I chose to use those abilities to help others."

He paused, knowing that he needed to actually say the words, that she deserved to hear him admit it. Forcing himself to meet her eyes, he finally spoke, his voice low. "I'm The Flash."

There were more apologies on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them back, knowing that she didn't want or need to hear them again.

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 06:20 am UTC (link)

She wished that he hadn't come back because the look on his face just made it that much harder for her to be angry with him. The way that he knelt down before her made Patty's hands tremble and the way that he brushed her tear off of her cheek made her eyes burn hotter than they were before. But she listened. She stared at him directly and she listened to him closely, hanging on his every word, and when he explained what happened to him in his lab she felt her heart twist painfully.

And then he finally said it. Three words, not the ones that she had always wanted to hear from him, but ones that held just as much importance to her because of what they had gone through. All she wanted was honesty. Patty needed to know that she could trust Barry, because Barry was good, he was kind and sweet and gentle, and if you couldn't trust someone like Barry than, really, who could you trust at all? Patty needed her faith restored in him or she would carry that with her for the rest of her life. She believed in Barry Allen so deeply that a betrayal from him cut her to her core, and it needed to be mended or she felt like she would never be able to trust that deeply ever again.

The confession seemed to tear down a wall in her, her strong demeanor crumbling and the flood gates opening. She was still telling herself not to cry despite the fact that her tears were falling freely now as she stared at him, biting her bottom lip hard to keep herself from making sound, and she only gave up when a small, quiet sob managed to slip it's way out. She hated how much she needed to believe in him. She hated how much she needed to believe that heroes were good.

With a sudden shift Patty moved forward and wrapped her arms around Barry's shoulders, embracing him tightly and pressing her face into his shoulder. Her fingers twisted in the back of his shirt, holding him close as she slipped off of her seat to instead kneel before him and cling onto him completely. She just wanted to turn back time, change everything and make it so he said that, exactly that, thirty days ago. A part of her understood why he didn't but a larger part didn't, because Barry knew her. She let him in further than she had let anyone, he saw parts of her that she tried to hide from the rest of the world, just like the part he was witnessing then. She wanted to believe that he knew he could have trusted her, but now a small part of her was doubting that. Maybe he didn't tell her because he didn't think he could trust her. Maybe she hadn't proven herself to be trustworthy enough.

She wouldn't let go of him until she was able to regain composure, cheeks flushed and eyes wet, and her hand moved up quickly to wipe her tears away before she looked up at him with a glassy shine still in them.

"Thank you."

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theflash
2016-04-07 06:29 am UTC (link)

It nearly broke Barry when he heard that little sob escape and then she was in his arms, face pressed against his shoulder, and all he could was wrap his arms around her, squeezing his own eyes closed tight to stave off tears as he stroked her back and let her get it all out.

For him, it was never about not trusting Patty with his secret. It was about not trusting himself to be able to keep her safe if she knew. About the complete terror he felt knowing that the fact that he loved her put her in harms way. He couldn't even let himself say the words to her because they would make him vulnerable in ways he couldn't begin to explain, at least back home. Things could be different here, but... well, Barry wasn't going to even let himself think that way. He didn't deserve Patty's forgiveness and he certainly didn't deserve a second chance.

When she finally pulled back and looked at him, he knew that his eyes were probably shining bright with unshed tears. He pressed his lips tight together and nodded, once again biting back another useless apology. "You're welcome."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 06:54 am UTC (link)

She scanned his face, studying his features after she pulled back, and it was so strange how simple a verbal disconnect could be. He still looked like Barry. They were the same eyes that stared at her in bed at night when he stayed over, tangled up in her, skin on skin, and it was the same mouth she could practically still remember tasting every time he kissed her a little too deeply at work just so he could laugh at her when she slapped his arm and told him to behave. Everything about him was so familiar, and maybe that was why it was so hard for her to get past what had happened. Patty was alone in the world, and somewhere along the line, Barry had become home for her. It was like staring at home, but he locked the door and told her that she was never allowed back inside again.

She let her hand move to brush against his cheek, a tender feathering of fingertips against skin, as if she was daring herself to be reminded of how things were before while also trying to limit herself from acting too familiar. She was feeling so raw, and in a moment of weakness her eyes flickered down to linger on his mouth for just a second too long before she tore them away to look at his face as a whole once more.

"I should go," she whispered, the words grudging even though she knew she was right. She couldn't fall back into him. An apology was appreciated. The truth was even better, but it didn't change the past. She had to respect herself enough to know that what he had done still wasn't okay, and Patty wasn't sure how long she could keep herself clear headed if she was this close to him. So she stood, arms crossed tightly again as she curled in on herself a little. "I'll talk to you later, Barry, but I - I need to go."

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theflash
2016-04-07 07:01 am UTC (link)

She wasn't the only one fighting the urge to slip into old habits. It might have been a little longer for him since their break up, but that didn't mean his feelings had dampened towards her, especially when she touched his cheek.

It would be so easy to lean in, close the distance between them, and kiss her like he had so many other times. But he knew that it would be a mistake, that she would hate herself if she let him and he would hate himself if he did anything else that hurt her after all he'd done already.

Barry stood when she did and took a step back. "Take care of yourself, Patty," he said. "I'll see you around."

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