InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "i'm neurodivergent and a minor"

detectivespivot (detectivespivot) wrote in paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-06 19:13:00

Entry tags:

~barry allen (theflash), ~patty spivot (detectivespivot)

WHO: Patty Spivot and Barry Allen
WHERE: Patty's shelter
WHEN: Wednesday afternoon
WHAT: Probably angst. Sadness.
WARNINGS: Just the angst?
STATUS: Incomplete

I can't believe you let me down, But the proof is in the way it hurts.

Patty immediately regretted agreeing to see Barry, but there was no going back now. Things were going alright here. She managed to avoid Cisco as much as possible, something that she felt awful about but had to do for her own self preservation, and she even managed to make a few friends. She might have even caught the eye of Ray Palmer, the Ray Palmer, something that wouldn't have happened to her in her wildest dreams, and for the first time since she left Central City, Patty felt alright. No, she felt good, and that all came crashing down as soon as she saw his face.

She didn't know what made her more angry. The fact that he had told so many people his secret - Team Arrow, for one, since apparently that was a thing, Ray's ex, Cisco - and refused to trust her enough to let her in, or the fact that he was here. She knew that she had no right to be angry about it, considering she was here as well, but it was different. Barry was completely unwilling to open up which meant that he was unwilling to commit, and seeing her ex, someone she had fallen in love with, agree to go to 'sex island' to have as much no strings attached sex that he wanted after refusing to open up to her was infuriating. Patty didn't get angry, but Barry had certainly managed to get her there.

She was pacing outside of her shelter back and forth, arms crossed before her chest, and she was considering just leaving so she wouldn't be there when he arrived before she caught the sight of him out of the corner of her eye. She froze, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that she was wearing little more than cut up fabric tied in a makeshift bikini top and skirt, but she still tried to hold her head high as she eyed him. He was always so handsome. Why couldn't he have had a meaner face? It would have been so much easier to just send him away like that. "Barry..."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 06:20 am UTC (link)

She wished that he hadn't come back because the look on his face just made it that much harder for her to be angry with him. The way that he knelt down before her made Patty's hands tremble and the way that he brushed her tear off of her cheek made her eyes burn hotter than they were before. But she listened. She stared at him directly and she listened to him closely, hanging on his every word, and when he explained what happened to him in his lab she felt her heart twist painfully.

And then he finally said it. Three words, not the ones that she had always wanted to hear from him, but ones that held just as much importance to her because of what they had gone through. All she wanted was honesty. Patty needed to know that she could trust Barry, because Barry was good, he was kind and sweet and gentle, and if you couldn't trust someone like Barry than, really, who could you trust at all? Patty needed her faith restored in him or she would carry that with her for the rest of her life. She believed in Barry Allen so deeply that a betrayal from him cut her to her core, and it needed to be mended or she felt like she would never be able to trust that deeply ever again.

The confession seemed to tear down a wall in her, her strong demeanor crumbling and the flood gates opening. She was still telling herself not to cry despite the fact that her tears were falling freely now as she stared at him, biting her bottom lip hard to keep herself from making sound, and she only gave up when a small, quiet sob managed to slip it's way out. She hated how much she needed to believe in him. She hated how much she needed to believe that heroes were good.

With a sudden shift Patty moved forward and wrapped her arms around Barry's shoulders, embracing him tightly and pressing her face into his shoulder. Her fingers twisted in the back of his shirt, holding him close as she slipped off of her seat to instead kneel before him and cling onto him completely. She just wanted to turn back time, change everything and make it so he said that, exactly that, thirty days ago. A part of her understood why he didn't but a larger part didn't, because Barry knew her. She let him in further than she had let anyone, he saw parts of her that she tried to hide from the rest of the world, just like the part he was witnessing then. She wanted to believe that he knew he could have trusted her, but now a small part of her was doubting that. Maybe he didn't tell her because he didn't think he could trust her. Maybe she hadn't proven herself to be trustworthy enough.

She wouldn't let go of him until she was able to regain composure, cheeks flushed and eyes wet, and her hand moved up quickly to wipe her tears away before she looked up at him with a glassy shine still in them.

"Thank you."

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theflash
2016-04-07 06:29 am UTC (link)

It nearly broke Barry when he heard that little sob escape and then she was in his arms, face pressed against his shoulder, and all he could was wrap his arms around her, squeezing his own eyes closed tight to stave off tears as he stroked her back and let her get it all out.

For him, it was never about not trusting Patty with his secret. It was about not trusting himself to be able to keep her safe if she knew. About the complete terror he felt knowing that the fact that he loved her put her in harms way. He couldn't even let himself say the words to her because they would make him vulnerable in ways he couldn't begin to explain, at least back home. Things could be different here, but... well, Barry wasn't going to even let himself think that way. He didn't deserve Patty's forgiveness and he certainly didn't deserve a second chance.

When she finally pulled back and looked at him, he knew that his eyes were probably shining bright with unshed tears. He pressed his lips tight together and nodded, once again biting back another useless apology. "You're welcome."

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detectivespivot
2016-04-07 06:54 am UTC (link)

She scanned his face, studying his features after she pulled back, and it was so strange how simple a verbal disconnect could be. He still looked like Barry. They were the same eyes that stared at her in bed at night when he stayed over, tangled up in her, skin on skin, and it was the same mouth she could practically still remember tasting every time he kissed her a little too deeply at work just so he could laugh at her when she slapped his arm and told him to behave. Everything about him was so familiar, and maybe that was why it was so hard for her to get past what had happened. Patty was alone in the world, and somewhere along the line, Barry had become home for her. It was like staring at home, but he locked the door and told her that she was never allowed back inside again.

She let her hand move to brush against his cheek, a tender feathering of fingertips against skin, as if she was daring herself to be reminded of how things were before while also trying to limit herself from acting too familiar. She was feeling so raw, and in a moment of weakness her eyes flickered down to linger on his mouth for just a second too long before she tore them away to look at his face as a whole once more.

"I should go," she whispered, the words grudging even though she knew she was right. She couldn't fall back into him. An apology was appreciated. The truth was even better, but it didn't change the past. She had to respect herself enough to know that what he had done still wasn't okay, and Patty wasn't sure how long she could keep herself clear headed if she was this close to him. So she stood, arms crossed tightly again as she curled in on herself a little. "I'll talk to you later, Barry, but I - I need to go."

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theflash
2016-04-07 07:01 am UTC (link)

She wasn't the only one fighting the urge to slip into old habits. It might have been a little longer for him since their break up, but that didn't mean his feelings had dampened towards her, especially when she touched his cheek.

It would be so easy to lean in, close the distance between them, and kiss her like he had so many other times. But he knew that it would be a mistake, that she would hate herself if she let him and he would hate himself if he did anything else that hurt her after all he'd done already.

Barry stood when she did and took a step back. "Take care of yourself, Patty," he said. "I'll see you around."

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