monstermatch: in character

Text Message to Lorelei:

Hey, want to go to a wedding after our groupon painting?

Okay, so who's excited for Captain America? It's coming out Friday, guys.

private: [kweenkillstreak/habibi]

Hey, Lady on Fire. So are you sick of me yet or can "Captain America, Saturday" maybe be a date?

private: [flymetothemoon/habibi]

Are you okay?

In this edition of Today I Learned:

TIL the best thing to have on your death certificate

TIL that Alanis Morissette has an advice column

What did you learn today, Las Vegas?

This is how we've decided to dissuade teenagers from smoking in 2016

( Thoughts? )

Answer these three very important Internet questions. I'll go first.

1. What did you learn on the Internet today?

This amazing insult: "Somewhere out there a tree is working very hard to replace the oxygen you consume. Now go apologize to it."

2. Favorite Internet meme?
pun dog

3. Personal Internet accomplishments.
I'm the self professed world champion of "5 Clicks to Jesus."

private to: [EEYORE] from [MEGALOS]

I found you. Do I get a prize?

How's Iron Man coming?

private to: [HEMICUDA70] from [MEGALOS]

This is terribly presumptuous but would you like to go out on a date?

For the monsters in attendance: what would you change about your species? Either as it applies to you, or as it applies to the others.

For the squishy cute little humans: if you could be any monster type, what would you be?

Good evening. Less than hour ago, I, a stock car driver from Las Vegas, joined others from around the world, not in victory, but in failure. For the first time ever I came in dead last. It's something that's happened to many of us throughout the history of mankind and our need for competition.

Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore.

We will be united in our common failures.

Perhaps its fate that today is the 21st of February, and like failure - February starts with F. And I am now fighting - which also starts with F. No, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but to save face. Which also starts with F.

I'm fighting for my right to win. My right to kick ass.

And next Sunday. When I win the day, with my best time ever, the month of February will no longer be known as the month I failed, but as the month when I declared:

"I will not go quietly into the night!

I will not vanish without a fight!

I'm going to drive on!

I'm going to win!"

Today, I celebrate my failure. And tomorrow, after I've eaten this whole pie, I'm going to drop the god damn hammer.

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