InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Can you fix my H-E-A-R-T?"

Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) (kitty_has_claws) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-05-13 21:52:00

Entry tags:

jack harkness, james howlett/logan, kitty pryde (aoa), pavel chekov (au), spike, ton phanan

Day 375 — Open Action/Private Video

[So much happened yesterday, but they were only dreams. Only dreams that she still remembers almost as vividly as memories even hours after waking up. Only dreams that everyone who shared them will also likely remember. Only dreams where she told at least three different men she loved them and none of them were Reid. Only dreams that are making her feel small and confused and violated today.

She doesn't blame anyone who made an appearance. She's trying not to blame herself, but that's easier said than done. No, this is on the warden's and the way they play with their minds and emotions. Which, that's all they are right now, isn't it? Their bodies are locked away in tanks and their minds are a playground for their robotic overlords. She's angry, but the anger isn't on the surface yet. There's too much guilt and worry and hurt...and longing on top of it.

Of course she dreamed about being with people. About openly saying she's in love. It's what she's been wanting to get back to with Reid. It's simple, right? Why doesn't it feel simple right now? Probably because she's locked herself up in her room with no one to talk to about any of this. She's either slept with all her friends or their significant others. And then there's Reid. She wants to see him. Wants him to hold her and tell her it's all okay, but she's afraid she'll hear, "I just can't do this." That doesn't leave a lot of people to lean on.

Not terribly long ago her reaction to this might have been doing something brash and impulsive. Maybe even reckless and self-destructive. She doesn't want that now. But she's not sure what she wants in place of it other than not feeling like this anymore.]

[Private | Logan]
You wanted to talk? I want to drink. Maybe we combine those.

[Action | Open]
[She finally makes her way out of the apartment, taking a long route to the Defense Force headquarters if only to avoid passing too closely to other apartments and popular sites. Who would be in the cemetery, right? When she gets to her office she gathers some things up to work on, not interested in staying long.]

(OOC: If your character would make a private call to her following the dreams please feel free to do that here too!)

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	action; candothat 2016-05-15 09:52 pm UTC (link)
	[Letting go was supposed to decrease the awkwardness or reinforce the idea that he doesn't want to interfere with her happiness with Reid or something! No missing! (He immediately misses it, too, and can't help but look a little wistful.)] What you're saying is that you want to make me cry. You would regret it. I cry very ugly...ly. [How do you English.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-17 01:09 pm UTC (link)
	[Feelings are weird and hard.] It's like you have your own defense system built in already. I might just be more curious now. [She never wants to make him cry.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-17 03:10 pm UTC (link)
	[Feelings are terrible and they should stop.] I do, and if you test me, you will come out the worst for it. Contain your curiosity. [She feels a little better, right? Because he's finding it increasingly difficult to be okay right now and it's going to start to show.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-17 03:13 pm UTC (link)
	[But what if they're also the best part?] Consider it contained. [You know what's not contained? The way she's watching him and picking up some of those little tells that say something is off.] Pavel? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-17 04:38 pm UTC (link)
	[Okay, maybe they should just let up once in a while.] Kitty? [They know names! She's too perceptive and he's not about to risk ruining things by telling her that, thanks to the dream, he's now missing something that he'll never have.] I realize that there is only so much control that any of us can have over this, but will you try not to leave me? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-17 05:11 pm UTC (link)
	[He doesn't need to tell her. She knows. And she's moving forward again to hug him. Maybe they should be working on being apart instead but she doesn't want that. She wants to hold him and be held.] I don't want to leave you. I won't. [To the extend she has control over. She doesn't think she could even if Reid did have a problem with it. Not now.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-17 07:03 pm UTC (link)
	[Being apart would be worse. He hugs her close and lets himself feel relieved that this is still okay and that she was able to say that she isn't going anywhere.] Thank you. I have said goodbye to many people and I don't want you to be one of them. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-19 02:32 pm UTC (link)
	I don't want that either. Not with anyone, but...really not with you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-23 04:42 am UTC (link)
	Really not with me? How did I become so special? [His heart's not in on the joke, but nothing remains difficult forever.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-27 01:23 am UTC (link)
	By being you. By being someone who is always there for me and always good to me and supportive and understanding and... [She's feeling so much right now. She's a little afraid of what she might say and what it might mean. It's bad enough that she can't looks away. Instead, she's meeting his eyes, searching them for answers she can't find in herself anymore.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-27 04:21 am UTC (link)
	[Nonono she can't keep saying things or he'll do something stupid like say things back or cry or kiss her.] I have no plans to stop trying to be those things. [She won't find any answers because he looks down (and maybe his eyes linger on her lips for a millisecond too long).] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-27 04:25 am UTC (link)
	[She wants to kiss him. Before she wasn't sure what she wanted and now she knows, but she doesn't know why she wants it. Is it really Chekov or is it the warden's manipulation? It's not fair to...to anyone if she isn't sure. But it doesn't feel fair this way either.] Good... Good. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

action;

candothat
2016-05-27 04:50 am UTC (link)

[He thinks he knows what he wants (spoiler: it involves kissing her), but it's not possible. Best to stay with the other Kitty-related thing that he wants, which is her being happy.

Except she doesn't look happy, and he's not helping.]

No, it isn't good today. [He's not referring to his plans, obviously. Just today in general. This situation in general.] Soon, though.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-27 04:52 am UTC (link)
	[She hugs him again if only to give herself something to do that isn't crossing lines they aren't ready to cross.] You're right. In a few days there will be more perspective at least. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-27 05:00 am UTC (link)
	I'm usually right. [Yes, hugging is good. Relatively safe, familiar territory.] If nothing else, the wardens will provide a distraction. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

action;

kitty_has_claws
2016-05-27 12:37 pm UTC (link)

I really shouldn't look forward to that, should I? [Right now she's never been more angry with them and wanting to tear this place down brick, by virtual brick and also...just wanting to slip back into some peaceful fantasy where things make sense for awhile. She'd never choose the second one. Never. But it's hard not to want to be away from the confusion her actual feelings bring.]

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-28 03:01 am UTC (link)
	Considering the kinds of distractions that they like to provide, no, maybe not. [But really, what else could they hit them with that would be worse?] I think, though, that they owe it to us to do something nice. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-28 03:04 am UTC (link)
	They probably will. False sense of security has to get built back up. There's a pattern of sorts. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-28 03:26 am UTC (link)
	A cynical but realistic perspective. [He lets her go and forces a smile.] Never change, Kitty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-28 03:30 am UTC (link)
	I think changing might be the only thing I'm good at here. Well, maybe not good, but I know I'm not the same as when I arrived. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-28 04:16 am UTC (link)
	Do you think that you have changed for the better? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-29 04:11 am UTC (link)
	I don't think it's for the worse. ...I guess I could just say yes. [It just sounds too positive.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-31 12:27 am UTC (link)
	Or you could just believe that, however you have changed, you're good as you are now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; kitty_has_claws 2016-05-31 12:36 am UTC (link)
	Good? That feels like a little too much. Not worse was easier. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	action; candothat 2016-05-31 02:04 am UTC (link)
	Not worse, then. Someday I will trick you into saying something kind about yourself. [Not today, it seems. They're okay, though, and he has no reason to feel at all unhappy about this conversation. They're still friends. It's not weird.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)