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Obi-Wan Kenobi (master_kenobi) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2013-08-12 22:36:00

Entry tags:

anakin skywalker, obi-wan kenobi, siri tachi

The Case Of The Disappearing Jedi In The Land Of Attachments
Who: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Siri Tachi and Anakin Skywalker
What: Anakin has taught Siri to silence her presence in the Force. Unfortunately nobody has told Obi-Wan that this can be done.
When: Tuesday, August 13, approx 2am.
Where: Obi-Wan's room, Siri's room and all over the place.
Rating/Warnings: PG with Jedi angst and inappropriate attachments
Status: Closed; Incomplete

Obi-Wan woke suddenly, sitting bolt upright, Siri's name on his lips before he consciously realized what his deeper subconscious had felt in the Force. Siri was gone. He frowned, closing his eyes again to reach out, intentionally looking for her presence in the Force, but it wasn't there. He got out of bed. He didn't even bother pulling on a housecoat or boots over his pyjamas. He went out into the hall, to her room, and banged on the door. When no answer came, he used the Force to push it open, stepping inside with a franticness that was barely hidden under his mildly uneasy exterior. She wasn't there.

Feeling extremely agitated at that point, he hurried out of Siri's room and headed for Anakin's. He banged on the door without any regard for the hour. He'd probably wake Padme, it occurred to him after he'd done it, but it also occurred to him that she'd survive.

Anakin, he projected forcefully. Come out here.

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darkforcerising
2013-08-16 09:41 am UTC (link)

Anakin wanted to roll his eyes again, of course Obi-Wan would try to de-legitimatize his own feelings.

But Anakin had more in his arsenal, if that's how Obi-Wan wanted to play.

I would have done it for you, or for Ani, or Ahsoka, or my- he stopped short of including his mother in that list because it might trigger unwanted questions at a later date. I'd do it for a number of other people.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-16 10:56 am UTC (link)

Siri was more relieved than she should have been that he stopped. That he didn’t pull away from her. That would have bothered her more than she cared to admit. Bothered her more than she should admit at all, even to herself. But she let her hand linger on his arm, making no move to let go.

I’m sorry. I should have told you. She looked startled for a moment, her eyes searching his. I’m not hiding from anything. Why would I? There was no one she would ever need to hide from, here. The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind; she hadn’t considered the possibilities of the technique Anakin had taught her until moments ago, when she’d instinctively hidden what she was feeling in the Force. But she wouldn’t – couldn’t – hide from Obi-Wan.

It’s a technique that didn’t exist when we were at the Temple. I just... wanted to learn it, for the sake of learning. There was no need to mention that it served as a pleasant distraction from nightmares and her inability to sleep.

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master_kenobi
2013-08-16 11:47 am UTC (link)

Anakin had a point, because Anakin himself is the other person whose absence would have been conspicuous enough to wake Obi-Wan from a dead sleep and send him searching.

Siri's answer was reassuring, if also maddening. And matches Anakin's enough that he speaks his reply out loud.

"Ah. Just... Because it occurred to me when we decided to look for you that perhaps you didn't want to be found."

Or, at least, by him.

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	darkforcerising 2013-08-16 10:19 pm UTC (link)
	With that Anakin realized there was a whole different conversation going on between Obi-Wan and Siri that he wasn't a part of. Nor should he be, this was there personal issue to work out. "I should get back to the castle," he said. Taking this moment to start stepping back down the outcropping. "I don't think either of you need me anymore tonight." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

neverlosefocus
2013-08-17 03:24 pm UTC (link)

Siri could almost hear what he left unsaid. Had he honestly believed that? She stepped closer without thinking, looking at him with complete seriousness. “No, Obi-Wan. It never even crossed my mind. I just wanted to put what I’d been taught into practice.” She shouldn’t have stepped closer, should have removed her hand from her arm. But she didn’t.

She looked at Anakin, offering him a small smile. He’d been dragged out of bed and away from Padmé because of all this. I’m sorry, Anakin. She hadn’t thought... would never have expected that her simple use of what he’d been teaching her would cause so much trouble. But she couldn’t have known that Obi-Wan would... that he would feel her absence in the Force so deeply.

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	master_kenobi 2013-08-17 06:13 pm UTC (link)
	Obi-Wan had already thanked Anakin, and has already apologized to him. He let him go, his attention on Siri. As awkward as that was. He cleared his throat. "Yes. Well. That was my mistake." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

darkforcerising
2013-08-18 05:53 am UTC (link)

Anakin sent back to Siri the impression that he wasn't put out about the misunderstanding. At least not more than was usual for such situations. He had been woken up at 2 am, after all. But beyond that, if it was a 'mistake' is was unintentional and ultimately forgivable.

Not having anything more to add, he slipped back down the outcropping and headed back to the castle.

He did hope Obi-Wan was willing to have an honest discussion about the root of this night time excursion.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-18 01:56 pm UTC (link)

Siri watched Anakin until he was out of sight, leaving her alone on the outcropping of rock with Obi-Wan. It made their closeness, the moonlight, her hand on his arm all the more... something she was keenly aware of, in a way that almost made her nervous. “It’s an understandable one,” she told him quietly. And it was... but she was having trouble with the cause of it. He’d felt her absence. And he’d felt it strongly enough that it woke him. That it... scared him.

That had to mean... It could only mean... Its possible meaning gave her far more hope than was appropriate for a Jedi.

But she felt it anyway.

“Thank you.” It wasn’t something she said, often. But she wanted him to know that she... appreciated it. Knowing that he would notice if... when she was gone. It was something she’d thought about once or twice, when the nightmare of her death had made her unable to sleep.

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master_kenobi
2013-08-18 02:49 pm UTC (link)

Though her closeness and the warmth of her expression made him feel a little light-headed, he managed something of a wry smile and his usual dry humour.

"For making the mistake? Think nothing of it; I seem to be specializing in them here."

He stilled slightly, his expression growing serious again.

"But... I'm... " Kriff, kriff, kriff. Everything he tried to say stuck in his throat. It made him too vulnerable. He could hear Master Yoda in the back of his mind admonishing him for the attachment the incident threw into stark relief and the uncontrolled emotions it dragged with it.

"I'm glad you're still here. I am. Glad."

Well done, Kenobi. Eloquent.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-19 12:23 am UTC (link)

Siri’s smile was bright, and more than a little bit fond. “Not that, Obi-Wan,” she told him, voice teasing, “Although that’s always appreciated.” It came as easily as the Force to her, teasing him. The smile faded, her expression turning serious. Uncertainty, a rare occurrence for her, made choosing the next words difficult. For caring enough to miss her, to look for her (although he must hate it)? For worrying? For... Their conversation regarding the younger Anakin was sharp in her mind. She could say none of it. “For coming to look for me.”

His arm was warm under her hand, and she was far too aware of it, aware of him. More than she should be. She didn’t mean to step closer to him, but she did it anyway. “I’m glad, too.” He was one of the few things that made sense there. She smiled. “Someone has to watch your back.”

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master_kenobi
2013-08-19 08:26 am UTC (link)

When she stepped still closer, a wave of warmth ran through his belly and he was uncomfortably certain that she must be able to sense how much she...distracted him at this proximity.

"I...wouldn't..." Make words, Kenobi. Complete the sentence. Why did she always smell so nice in the middle of the night? Well, she probably always did, these were just the times she was close enough to notice... Focus. Sentence. He had been saying something, hadn't he? Right. "I wouldn't choose anyone else."

He swallowed and tried to draw a breath that wasn't shaky.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-19 09:01 pm UTC (link)

Standing so close to him was always dangerous, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. It wasn’t something she could blame on habits picked up from lengthy undercover missions, either; she didn’t have a problem with it around anyone else. He just... drove her to distraction. Always had. She had disguising it down to an art. She hoped.

Oh.

And then he said things like that. Words that did interesting things to her heartbeat and the butterflies he always seemed to cause her. Surprise, relief, and countless other emotions bubbled up in her as she looked at him, blue eyes bright in the moonlight. She slid her hand down his arm and tangled her fingers with his, indicating the outcropping where she’d been sitting when they’d approached with a lift of her chin. “Sit with me?”

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	master_kenobi 2013-08-19 09:15 pm UTC (link)
	Sitting? She was holding his hand. It took him a moment to remember what sitting involved. Sitting. Yes. He could sit. He didn't trust his voice not to betray him, so he only nodded, letting her lead him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	neverlosefocus 2013-08-19 11:46 pm UTC (link)
	Siri was relieved when he nodded; she had wanted him to stay, hoped that he would stay, but he could have easily left. And she would have let him. But he didn’t. She was smiling as she led him to the edge of the outcropping, before she forced herself to let go of his hand and take a seat, one leg dangling over the edge. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

master_kenobi
2013-08-20 10:42 am UTC (link)

He lowered himself onto the rock surface beside her. It was cool through the thin cotton of his pyjamas, but it felt a little bracing. He felt more grounded, there on the ground. He looked at her.

"I suppose we could have confused the Sith Lord something fierce if we all learned how to do that and then did it all at once," he remarked. A weak half-joke, but an attempt at a normal conversation that didn't remark on how electric her contact with him had felt just then.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 02:55 am UTC (link)

Siri brushed blonde hair back off her face, looking at him with a fond smile. “Might have surprised him a little.” His presence was warm beside her, and she was far too aware of it, of him, and her hand itched to find his again. He was incredibly distracting. When she had first come out to the lake to put her lessons into practiced, she had considered the idea of going for a bit of a swim before her eventual return to her room, despite her lack of swimsuit. Clothes would dry.

It was beginning to seem like a very good idea. Perhaps her method of meditation would help keep her from being too distracted. And help to keep her from touching his hand again.

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master_kenobi
2013-08-21 10:19 am UTC (link)

"... So." He glanced over at her. "What now?" He wasn't sure what all this meant for them. He hadn't been demonstrating any particular skill at keeping to his end of their arrangement. "I mean, with our... deal. Did I break it?"

If he did, would she increase the distance between them? Would she stop calling on him when she couldn't sleep? ...Would she stop absently touching his shoulder when she was talking...?

Snap out of it, Kenobi. You're in enough trouble.

He looked down at the water, still and dark in the moonlight.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 12:30 pm UTC (link)

Siri’s ability to speak died momentarily at Obi-Wan’s words. She hadn’t expected him to bring it up. At all. For a very rare moment she was speechless. Absolutely without the ability to say anything at all. If she was honest she would admit her own failings, her own breaking of their deal. But if she admitted it, would he pull away from her? Would he find reasons to avoid spending time with together with her? Would the distance between them increase?

She could lie. It was possible; she could hide her tells in the Force and lie to him. Tell him no, there was no breaking of their deal. Postpone things a little bit longer. But watching him look down at the water she wasn’t sure she could do it. She wasn’t sure she could do it at all. She wasn’t sure she wanted to.

It was too easy to shift closer to him, to curl her legs under her and shift to face him. Her hand cupping his cheek, she gently turned his face to hers. “If you have... then I have.”

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master_kenobi
2013-08-21 01:08 pm UTC (link)

"I see," he said, managing to keep his voice even despite the fact that she was touching him again. But did he see? How was he supposed to process the fact that she was struggling with this as much as he was? Had she always been struggling with it as much as he had? Did she... Did she still...?

"Well." He swallowed uncomfortably, but not because he didn't find comfort in her touch, despite the way it made his pulse race. "Our choices were made quite clear to us back home. ...But they're decidedly less clear here. Everything is... disordered here." Confusing. Everything was confusing because there was no structure to turn to. To lean on. If the Jedi had anything that permeated their entire lives, it was structure. It was called an 'Order' for a reason.

"And I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means that I am if I'm even considering..."

Using the vision of the Order that Anakin gave them from the future to suggest that attachment was okay seemed like a weak justification, used only as an excuse to do what he wanted to do instead of his duty. If he was going to turn his back on the Code, he wasn't going to pretend it was because he'd embraced a new one. He couldn't do that.

"I'm not sure what's right."

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 04:05 pm UTC (link)

Siri’s thumb brushed lightly over his cheek, although she knew she shouldn’t, knew she should move her hand entirely. He was... they were conflicted enough without the adding physical contact making... making things worse. She couldn’t seem to make herself pull away. Not yet.

He was right. They’d made their choice all those years ago, and it had been the right one. She didn’t regret it. Had never regretted it. But... the feelings they’d agreed to set aside had never gone away. Not for her. She’d learned to live with them and let them go as much as she could. But it had been less let go and more deny. And it seemed... he’d not been able to either. Not entirely. Not if he was so concerned about breaking their deal. She’d thought he’d managed it far easier than she had. But she was wrong. This... she’d been so wrong. She’d been fully aware of the fact that she still... (loved him) cared a great deal for him, more than she should. But that he could... that he might still feel the same way... affected her in a way that she knew was wrong and decidedly un-Jedi-like but made her heart flutter in her chest anyway.

And since her sudden return to life she’d found herself... wondering. Wondering if maybe this wasn’t some sort of second chance. She was still a Jedi; she was always a Jedi. Her loyalty to the Order hadn’t faded simply because of her death. But now... She didn’t know. She just didn’t know. There were questions, and doubt... and feelings. Could they be both? Was it possible? She wanted it to be. Thought it could be, but maybe that was just her wanting it so desperately to be so.

But she could not, WOULD not, cause him pain, or push him towards something he wasn’t yet ready for or was uncomfortable with. Something that even she wasn’t sure of (or so she told herself). “Neither am I,” she told him quietly. It was the truth. “But if you need... space. Time...” She could give him that. No matter how much it would hurt her. She could hide it easily enough.

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master_kenobi
2013-08-21 04:18 pm UTC (link)

There it was: what he feared. The distance being imposed. He agreed, perhaps, that it did simplify things but it also...well, it just felt terrible. Empty.

"...How much space?" he managed to ask, his voice slightly choked.

What would time or space change anyway? They'd made their agreement years ago and neither time nor space had secured it the way they were supposed to.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 04:23 pm UTC (link)

“As much...” Siri’s voice faltered, and she swallowed, trying again. “As much or as little as you want.” It was entirely his choice. She didn’t want any at all. The thought of it hurt, a physical sort of ache in her chest that only threatened to get worse. But if he wanted it... he would have it. She could at least give him that. She had never been more thankful for what Anakin had taught her as she was in that moment. Because if he wanted space... she would need to use it.

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master_kenobi
2013-08-21 04:52 pm UTC (link)

As he wanted? 'Want' was tricky, but in a way also easy. He didn't want any. But was that the right answer? Was that what he needed? If he decided that...that he would pursue something clearly forbidden by the Code, should he just jump into it, unthinking? Anakin would and even Qui-Gon might, but Obi-Wan had never possessed the recklessness of his apprentice or the unwavering confidence in his own feelings over the Council and Code of his Master. Obi-Wan had thrived as a Jedi because its structure suited him. He rarely, if ever, felt the need to test it.

But there was no Temple or Council or Code here. People didn't even know what Jedi were. Did that mean he should remain more steadfast than ever or did it mean he should, perhaps, give a little? And why bring Siri from after her death? What was the Force trying to say?

"I... I don't..." He didn't know. He didn't know the answer. Any answer could be wrong and have profound repurcussions. "Siri, I'm not..." Not equipped, not prepared, not experienced, not sure of himself.

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neverlosefocus
2013-08-21 05:07 pm UTC (link)

Siri nodded. He was unsure. So very, very unsure. The smile that appeared on her face was small and crooked. “That’s okay, Obi-Wan.” She’d give him time. She could do that, at least. It wasn’t as though he didn’t know where to find her. They were neighbours, for star’s sake. Taking a breath, she rose gracefully to her feet, stepping back and holding out her hand to help him up. “Maybe we should call it a night? It’s been...” she trailed off for a moment. “A very long one.”

She would get him on his way back to the castle, and then she would go for a swim. Probably a lengthy one. It was sorely needed.

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	master_kenobi 2013-08-21 06:20 pm UTC (link)
	"Wait." He didn't get up. He accepted her hand only to tug her back down. He was missing information - important information - and how was he supposed to even begin to come to a decision without it? "What do you want?" It was a fair question. She'd asked it but not answered it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)